What did you see?

I’ll tell you what we saw, ratings gold! Go out and buy a hat, then get ready to hold the f**k onto it, because this is the next big thing. Maybe you noticed these commercials during tonight’s episode of Lost.

ABC is doing some early promotion for a series that it hasn’t officially announced yet. It’s called Flash Forward, and is based on the novel of the same name by Robert J. Sawyer. Let’s check out zap2it for more info!

The show is based on Robert J. Sawyer’s novel and follows the fallout from a cataclysm in which the world’s entire population blacks out for just over two minutes. In addition to dealing with the chaos that ensues when everyone wakes up — everything from car crashes to people walking off rooftops — people soon come to realize that they all had a vision of their futures. The network says that those investigating the event will have only “a huge mosaic of people’s flash forwards” to go on.

ABC has already set up a website you might want to check out. It’s sure to be all the rage at your office’s water cooler in the coming weeks, with everybody talking about what they saw and such. Check out Wikipedia for more on the book.

LOSTWATCH!! – “I’ll miss you, John. I really will.”

Jeremy Bentham is the author of the bestselling series, Parliamentary Reform Catecthism. After finishing his latest book, he’s taken a much-needed vacation in the middle of the desert. But one night, after being caught in a snowstorm and wrecking his car, things go horribly wrong. Jeremy wakes up to find he’s been taken in by Annie, his self-proclaimed, “number-one fan.” While at first she seems good-natured and helpful, things quickly change. When Jeremy tells Annie about his plan to bring his friends, even Sun, back to the island, Annie becomes angry!

Annie: I can’t let you go, Jeremy. You’ll stay here, and write a new episode of Lost. One where you don’t have to wear Jack’s dad’s shoes. Because, what the hell kind of sense does that make?

And yeah, she breaks his legs..

Bentham is eventually rescued by the enigmatic Desmond Mobay, who smashes Annie in the head with a pig trophy. He and Bentham take off on a whirlwind trip across five continents and twenty three countries town to try and convince the Oceanic 6 to come back to the island with them. First up is Sayid, who for some, *ahem* unexplained reason, has only been able to get work shingling roofs.

Sayid: John! Can you tell this guy I speak English?

Foreman: You take el shingles, okay?

Sayid: Do you understand me? I have a double doctorate in astrophysics and archaeology!

Foreman: No dinero today!

Well, Locke tried, I guess, but it just wasn’t meant to be. Next up is, Walt? Yep. He’s back. Walt is now 47 and living on New York’s Lower East Side. When Walt sees him, he can tell that Locke’s been under a lot of stress.

Walt: You know what you could use?

Locke: The gentle touch of a man?

Walt: Tyson’s Chicken Nuggets.

Locke: But the island — wait. What?

Walt: They’re Anytizers! You can have them anytime! Get it?

Locke: Are you kidding me? You know, if that explosion hadn’t killed your dad, this would have.

Walt: Dad’s dead?

Locke: Get away from me.

Locke leaves Walt to think about the choices he’s made. Next, he visits Hurley at the mental institution. After spending so much time wearing pajamas and a robe, and having other people clean up his mess for him, he’s really kind of let himself go.

Hurley: I just gave myself a Holy Frijole. Look it up.

Locke: Um, I forgot. The island doesn’t need you to come back.

Things really haven’t gone as well as Locke would have hoped. But he still has a few people to visit, and hopefully Kate will be more receptive. Surprise! She’s not.

Kate: Have you ever loved somebody, John?

Locke: Huh?

Kate: I think about you sometimes. About how desperate you were to stay on that island. Then I realized, it’s because you’ve never–

Locke: Blah blah blah you’re a bitch. Thanks anyway.

Locke is so upset that when he leaves Kate’s place he has a heart attack and passes out. When he comes to, he’s in the hospital, and you’ll never guess who he meets! It’s Jack, who’s begun a long downward spiral, apparantly.

Locke: Have you been drinking? It’s like ten in the morning.

Jack: Dude, you’re lucky I even showed, okay?

Jack has to totally, like, split, before his sponsor freaks out. So, Locke’s failed. None of the others have agreed to go back with him. A defeated man, who obviously takes things way too far, Locke goes back to his ratty apartment to hang himself. Of course, things never go as planned.

Locke: Well this isn’t working. I’m going back to the island.

One week later, on the island.

Caesar: So, how did you enjoy your trip, my main man?

Locke: It was… to DIE for?

Grab its greatness.

The good folks at Knopf were generous enough to send this over.

For the uninitiated, or those who can’t read, that’s James Ellroy’s (L.A. Confidential, The Black Dahlia) new book, Blood’s A Rover, which after many many years, will complete his Underworld USA trilogy. This summer, we’ll be reviewing all three books leading up to Rover’s release in September. Every time I crack open one of Ellroy’s books, I turn into a big slobbering idiot, so it’s really hard to articulate how excited I am to read this one.

The back cover is a letter from Ellroy to booksellers, written as only Ellroy can do it. You can read it for yourself below (click the picture for a bigger image).

If things weren’t bad before…

After falling even further in the ratings in its new, Saturday night timeslot, NBC is waiting until June to burn off the remaining episodes of Kings. Episode 1×06, “Brotherhood,” will air on June 13th, and the series will conclude its run on July 25th. We’ll be back with our reviews then, and in the meantime, will work hard not to write any Kings-related stories using the words “exiled,” “dethroned,” “deposed,” or “banished.” That’s our promise.

TRAILER MONDAY

Some Trailer Monday to go with your Tuesday? Let’s do it.

Moon stars Sam Rockwell as the sole custodian of a lunar mining station. It looks like someone beat me to the punch when I thought, “How about Castaway, in space!” My next project, “Castaway, with hookers!” It’s called Hooker Island and it’s sure to be the filthiest thing you’ve ever seen.

Extract is the latest comedy from Mike Judge. In it, some friends try to get Steve Carrell laid while at the same time planning a mall heist to get money to buy this big shipment of weed from a mob boss, who’s played by Gary Cole. The kicker is, Ron Livingston can’t smoke too much pot, or else he’ll be fired by his boss, who’s played by Gary Cole. The kicker is, Ron Livingston hates his job, and is planning on filming a porno movie with his roommate, Elizabeth Banks, to bring in extra cash. The porno’s called The Kicker, and it’s sure to be the filthiest thing you’ve ever seen.

The Taking of Pelham 1, 2, 3, a remake of the 1974 classic (?) has managed to bring two of my favorite things to the big screen. Public transportation and handlebar mustaches. At this point, fact that it’s John Travolta wearing the mustache and hijacking the subway is icing on the cake.

The Lost Symbol

This should make a few people out there happy, as long as they aren’t Catholic. Dan Brown’s long-awaited third novel in the Robert Langdon series, The Lost Symbol, finally has a release date. This is from the official press release…

New York, NY (April 20, 2009) Dan Brown’s new novel, the eagerly awaited follow-up to his #1 international phenomenon, The Da Vinci Code, which was the bestselling hardcover adult novel of all time with 81 million copies in print worldwide, will be published in the U.S. and Canada by Doubleday on September 15, 2009.

The Lost Symbol will have a first printing of 5 million copies, and it will once again feature Dan Brown’s unforgettable protagonist, Robert Langdon. The announcement was made today by Sonny Mehta, Chairman and Editor in Chief of the Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group.

“This is a great day for readers and booksellers,” said Mehta. “The Lost Symbol is a brilliant and compelling thriller. Dan Brown’s prodigious talent for storytelling, infused with history, codes and intrigue, is on full display in this new book. This is one of the most anticipated publications in recent history, and it was well worth the wait.”

In related news, Columbia Pictures is already moving forward with a film adaptation. Again, I’m not even sure this book has anything to do with the Catholic church, but they shouldn’t let that stop them from protesting it. And rightly so. We all knew that if there was ever anything capable of tearing down the Catholic church, it would probably have Tom Hank’s name attached to it.

The entire press release can be read here.

KingsChat 1×05 – “Judgment Day”

Kings has made the big jump to the television graveyard that is Saturday night. I hope you guys are still watching. I was wondering, if Star Trek fans are called Trekkies, and Mad Men fans are called Maddicts, what are Kings fans called? Chumps? Oh, humor! But I digress…

This week we saw Judgment Day, in which King Silas chooses ten criminal or civic cases to preside over. This was only a small part of the episode, but I enjoyed hearing the names of the cases that were picked. These little glimpses the writers give of the world the characters live in have been really interesting to watch. I’d really like to see this show develop some sort of a mythos, much like Battlestar Galactica or Lost. Something to give us a little more history.

Of course, we were still dealing with the fall-out from David’s brother and the insurrection over Port Prosperity from last week’s episode. And if that one didn’t do it for me, this week’s sure did. I hate David’s family. If he’s not willing to support his idiot brother 100% in rebelling against the government, and then won’t do everything possible to get him off the hook afterward, he’s cut off! That little slap David’s mom gave him as she stormed out of the courtroom was just icing on the cake.

This week we were introduced to Andrew Cross, played by the forever-young Macaulay Culkin. He really didn’t have as big a roll in the episode as I thought he would, although I’m sure his character will be fleshed out later in the season. I’m not sure, but the way he was staring absently at that fork while he cleaned it with his napkin makes me wonder if there might be something wrong with him. Did anyone get what was with the shoe William found later in the episode?

With the cases against Reverend Samuels and Doctor Nayar, and then Silas’ visit to Vesper Abadon, I kind of saw this perfect storm coming together in regards to Silas’ relationship with God. While in the pilot, he was ready to be done with Him altogether, in this episode, it seemed like he was coming to terms with God’s role in his life. When Abadon tells him that, because he asked God to be king, he could never count on people being good to him for goodness’ sake, Silas wasn’t angry. It felt like it was something he knew he would have to accept, that he couldn’t change. He also seems ready to patch things up with Samuels, so I’m wondering which side the reverend will land on once William and Jack make their move against Silas.

Now, I know that, at the end of the episode, Katrina Ghent told Silas that she wanted a ministry because of all the “trappings” that came with it, but I thought there was maybe something more there she was just keeping to herself. At least, that’s what I was thinking. Since last week’s episode, she’s certainly turned into Jack’s lapdog, and playing a much more subservient role. Seems like she’s had a pretty big change of heart. Especially when she’s completely shuts Jack down at the end of the episode. And speaking of the prince, once Michelle realizes what he’s up to, that he’s purposely pitting her and David against each other, Jack tells her that with David, he’s fighting for his right to exist. He says he won’t let someone else’s ambition push him off into obscurity. Not after all he’s sacrificed. My question is, what the hell has he sacrificed? Isn’t this the guy who spends the treasury’s money on expensive watches and getting department store clerks to go down on his army buddies? Oh Jack, my heart bleeds for you.

A few more tidbit’s from the episode. Silas saved Ethan, which means that David’s family can finally be nice to him again. Michelle’s health care bill passed. It looks like she had a little help, and I’m wondering if it was Paul she was referring to at the end of the episode when she told David that they could never be together because of a promise she had made. I’m probably way off with that. More likely, it was something to do with the conversation she and Silas had in “Prosperity”. We also saw a little more of Jack’s affinity for men, which I’ve heard is going to be a big plot point in an upcoming episode. As in, Jack being a homosexual isn’t the only way to interpret his relationships. The suspense! Another great episode. The promo for next week was a little vague, so I’ll see you guys here after it airs.

EXTRA! EXTRA! Cartoon disappoints!

I imagine the meeting that led to FOX’s new animated comedy, Sit Down, Shut Up, went something like this…

Exec #1: You know what we should do? Let’s give Mitch Hurwitz–

Exec #2: The genius who gave us Arrested Development?

Exec #1: That’s right. Let’s give him another show. We’ll team him up with Jason Bateman, Will Arnett, Will Forte, Kenan Thompson, Cheri Oteri, Kristin Chenowith, Henry Winkler, and Tom Kenny. THEN, we’ll take away all the comedy and humor! That’s thirteen on the air, amirite?

Exec #2: Terry, you’ve done it again! Let’s do some coke.

If his name is Terry, why I am calling him Exec #1? Anyway, so it goes. The new show, which is a reworking of the short-lived Australian sitcom of the same name, premiered tonight, and it… really wasn’t that good. Which is a shame, considering who it’s from and who’s in it. The show follows the exploits of the faculty and staff of a fictitious Florida high school, and while it really doesn’t deserve to be compared to Arrested Development, you look at Hurwitz, Bateman, and Arnett, and what do you expect? So let’s just go with that.

With Arrested, I felt like the humor, no matter how juvenile – read: anything that ever came out of Tobias’ mouth – was always delivered with subtlety and nuance. “Oh, I can just taste those meaty leading man parts in my mouth!” Not so here. The characters all fit into their stereotypes, from Miracle Grohe, the busty blonde who’s just too happy to be alive, to Stuart Proszakian, the tough guy gym teacher. The humor comes off as typical and unimaginative. What? The German teacher buys porn magazines? I bet he wouldn’t want his students to find out! Oh, they did! I bet he hates his job.

It turns out that he does, in fact, hate his job. The show is also suffering from some structure issues. The pilot episode just didn’t seem to have a focus. The jokes were so all over the place that before I knew it, they were at a football game, one of the teachers was taking steroids and had grown his own set of lady parts, they broke to commercial, and then I was watching Family Guy. I guess it works in the sense that, if you don’t like one joke, wait five seconds, but for those who are looking for some sort of coherency, you might be a little disappointed.

Of course, we’ve only seen one episode. I remember watching the first episode of American Dad after the Superbowl back in 2005, and thinking, “This will never last.” Surprise! It’s been renewed for a fifth season, so what the hell do I know? Perhaps Sit Down, Shut Up will eventually find its feet, and succeed. If for no other reason, the show deserves a chance because of its lineup. But then again, have any of you guys seen Southland?

LOSTWATCH!! – “You’re all going back to the island?”

It’s taken three years, but Jack and the others have finally made it back to the island. But there’s no time to celebrate. As Jack comes to, he hears a distant cry, and runs to investigate. He finds Hurley struggling to survive in two feet of water.

Jack: Hurley! Your body can be used as a flotation device!

Klaus: Get him out of ze f**king vater!

After Jack jumps in and hauls Hurley to shore, he finds Kate lying unconscious. A gentle nudge, and she wakes up.

Kate: Are we back?

Jack: No, we crashed on a completely different island! Are you serious? C’mon.

46 Hours Earlier

Eloise takes the castaways to her underground lair, which is decorated with lots of mysterious photos and graphs that no one would really take the time to draw on a chalk board. The Dharma folks called this place the Outpost, but obviously didn’t care that much about it, because they didn’t take the time to design one of their cool logos for it. I’m thinking a lighthouse, or maybe a castle.

Anyway, the Outpost’s entire purpose is to predict exactly which points in time the island is jumping to. Eloise has the coordinates of the next jump, and the castaways have 36 hours to get on the plane that will take them there. This makes Desmond a sad panda, and he takes a second to believe When Desmond hears that Jack and co. are planning on going back to the island, his accent, that he’s worked so hard to hide comes right back.

Desmond: So wha’ shu’ah do, brutha? Shu’ah jus’ shushu shu shu shu… !

Eloise says that the island isn’t done with Desmond either, so expect to see lots more of him later. Eloise also says that the castaways have to recreate the circumstances of the original crash as best they can in order to get back to the island. And that’s not all. She says that to recreate the castaway’s original flight, they’ll have to use Locke’s body as a stand-in for Jack’s dad.

Eloise: Isn’t that f**ked up?

He’ll also need his shoes, or something.

Jack: This is ridiculous!

Eloise: Then go watch Criminal Minds! Piss your Wednesday nights away!

Jack finds Ben in the chapel. Who is this woman? Why is she helping them? All of this would be a little easier for Jack to digest if he had a little proof that what she was saying was true. Ben motions toward a painting on the wall.

Ben: Thomas.

Jack: The Apostle?

Ben: No. Dave Thomas. Wendy’s. Let’s get a  Frosty, and one of those disgusting Caesar salads they sell.

That night, Jack goes home to find Kate in his bed, which is something we’ve all wished would happen to us. She tells him she’s decided to go back to the island with them. What changed her mind?

Kate: Teach a man to fish, you know?

Jack: That doesn’t make any sense. Where’s Aaron?

Kate: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Jack: I’m not sure you know what words mean.

Jack gets a phone call from Ben, who has had the ever-loving s**t knocked out of him. It all kind of makes you wonder how long it’ll be until he snaps and shoots everyone up. Anyway, Ben needs Jack to pick up Locke’s body. It’s being kept in the back of a Saltgrass Steak House.

Jack: You stuck a rotting corpse in the cook room of a steakhouse?! What the hell were you thinking?

Ben: I can’t hear you, Jack. There’s too much blood in my ears.

Jack gets to the steak house and meets Jill. She’s stashed Locke’s body for Ben.

Jack: I’m here to see the body, and a menu! Oh, I’m bad!

After a deeply satisfying, if a little overpriced meal, Jack takes the body to the airport to load it on the plane. After he’s finished filling out some paperwork, he sees that one guy from Three Kings.

Caesar: I’m sorry joo los’ jour friend my main man. Mi nombre Ceasar Gutierrez, and I’m 100% Spanish praise Allah.

Jack: You look like someone I know.

Miraculously, and ironically with no explanation at all, Sayid and Hurley also show up at the airport, and with tickets for the exact flight they need to take to get back to the island! As they’re all settling in for the flight, Ben comes aboard, and Hurley totally flips.

Huley: Who told him he could come!

The flight attendant tells Jack that if he can’t keep his pet bear under control, they’re going to have to move him to the cargo hold.

Jack sits down next to Kate, who’d be able to get rid of those bags under her eyes if she tried a little makeup.

Jack: This is great, huh? All together again. It’s a good feeling. Like way back, a week ago, when I was into all that coedine. I mean, that’s horrible. I would never get into that stuff again. No siree.

Kate: What’s the point, Jack? We’re all on the same plane, but we’re not together.

Jack: Uh… okay. Bummer.

When the pilot of the plane comes over the intercom, Jack recognizes him as Lapidus. He goes up to say hi. The stewardess asks him to stand back. They’re on a high terror alert because of the Three Kings. A beshaven Frank comes out to meet Jack.

Frank: Hey, doc. Is that Sayid? And Kate? And Hurley? And Sun? But if they’re here… then where are we… uh-oh!

Jack: Why isn’t anybody as excited as I am?

It doesn’t matter because the plane flies through the Langoliers hole in the sky anyway, and they crash back on the island. Or rather, on the runway that Kate and Sawyer were helping to build in season 3. Eh? Eh? Screw you, haters. So, back on the island, Jack alone, he saves Hurley, Kate wakes up, and a van! Who is it? It’s Jin, or rather it’s 1977 Jin, with a hole mess of Soul Glo in his hair.

Jin: Hey groovy cats!

LOSTWATCH!! – “This place is death!”

The episode begins with Sun sitting in her car, watching as the other castaways meet with Ben on the dock. She spends twenty minutes looking down at her gun, trying to pump herself up.

Sun: Alright alright alright alright. Alright! Let’s do this. Leeeerrrroyyyy uhJjjjennnnnnnkiiiiiinnsss!

Level 1 Paladin: Oh man, she just ran in.

Of course, Sun and her guild are wiped out by a group of proto-dragons. Oh, and Jin’s still alive. He’s back on the island, having washed up with Rousseau and her band of traveling Frenchmen in the last episode. They’re a little nervous once they find out that Jin had been to the island before, but told him that if he helped them find the radio tower, they’d help him find his camp.

Frenchie #1: Gerard Depardieu? Baguette! Aaahaha!

Frenchie #2: Smoke break!

They’re making their way through the jungle when they hear the smoke monster. Of course, the French don’t know it’s a smoke monster, but once they realize its hostile intentions, they immediately surrender (jokes!)! Not one to be appeased, Smokie rips one of their arms off.

In the end it doesn’t matter, because there’s a sudden flash, and Jin finds himself alone in the jungle. But he’s not alone! Once he gets back to the beach, he finds Rousseau, who’s obviously PMS’ing, because she’s waving a gun around and shooting people. Wokka wokka! Things turn south when she recognizes Jin.

Rousseau: You’re him! The disappearing Chinaman!

Jin: The Donger?

There’s another flash, and Jin finds Sawyer, who spends a few awkward moments trying to pantomime what’s going on. After five years three months on the island, Jin’s really getting tired of this shit. Locke explains that they need to go back to the Orchid, and that he’s going to try bringing Jack and everyone else back to the island. He looks at Sawyer.

Locke: You think he got all that?

Back on the dock, Sun is obviously PMS’ing because she’s waving a gun around. Ben says that if would just chill the f**k out, he can prove to her that Jin’s still alive. Sun is intrigued by this new development, and decides to see how things play out. When everyone else finds out that Jack was only being friends with them so they’d come back to the island, they all storm off in a tizzy.

On the island, the flashes are coming quicker and quicker. Charlotte isn’t dealing with this very well. Whatever’s messed up in her brain isn’t getting any better, and she’s taking breaks from gushing blood out of her nose only to slip into these wierd hallucination/flashbacks.

Charlotte: This place is death! *blaaah*

Sawyer: What do you suppose that means?

Locke and the others have to get to the Orchid, so they leave Faraday to take care of Charlotte while they go ahead. After they leave, Charlotte reveals a stunning secret!

Charlotte: Dan, I grew up here, on the island. But I left when I was a little girl. I spent years trying to find it again. One day, a man with a creepy beard came and told me that I could never return, or else I’d die!

Faraday: Wha-?

Charlotte: That man was you, Daniel! Don’t grow your beard! It creeps the shit out of people!

And then she died. Faraday gets all weepy and it’s very touching. Anyway, Locke and the others find the Orchid. While they’re all patting each other on the back and congratulating themselves on finding it, it disappears. Heartbreaking.

Locke: Well, we’ll just have to look for the well. *snicker* See what I did there?

Miles: Shut up

To get underground, Locke will have to climb down the well. Before he goes, Jin makes him promise he won’t bring his wife back.

Locke: Yeah. Sure thing, Jin. I won’t bring Sun back.

Jin: Promise, John.

Locke: Huh? I’m too far down!

As Locke moves down the well, there’s yet another flash, and this time, the well disappears. Locke falls down a good four hundred feet, and busts his leg open. Luckily Christian Shepherd lives down there, and can probably help him out.

Christian: I’m here to help you the rest of the way.

Locke: Good! Can you please help me up?

Christian: I’m sorry, all questions must be submitted in writing. Come on over here and give this wheel a yank.

Locke: I don’t know if you saw, the bone is sticking out.

Christian: You really are a whiner, huh?

Locke stumbles around, but finally grabs hold of the wheel, and spins it around. There’s another flash

Christian: Say ‘hello’ to my son!

Locke: For all your help with my leg? Blow me.

After hemming and hawing the entire episode, Ben’s taken Jack and Sun to the person who can help them get back to the island. As they’re going inside, they meet Desmond.

Desmond: Wha’ ah the chances, mates? Let’s goo grab a pint tah celebrate. You wid’ me?

Sun: Why do we hang out with him again?

They go inside and find Eloise Hawking, who I guess is also Faraday’s mother. She looks at Ben and his friends.

Eloise: I thought I said to bring them all back.

Ben: This was all I could get on short notice.

Eloise: Alright. Let’s break these fools.