Category Archives: FRAK ATTACK!!

FRAK ATTACK!! – “You are the harbinger of death Kara Thrace.”

Last time on Battlestar Galactica, tensions ran high as Starbuck and Lieutenant Commander Hunter faced-off over the launch keys to the Alabama‘s nuclear missiles. Pushed to the breaking point, Helo and his band of Merry Men relieve Starbuck of duty. But before anyone can breathe a sigh of relief, big dumb Anders stumbles out of his quarters.

Anders: Man, I am so wasted right no– woah. What’s going on?

Anders is all whacked out on Jello-shooters. Needless to say, everything gets shot to s**t, and Gaeta gets shot in the leg.

Everyone’s standing around, with their sweaty muscles, breathing hard and holding guns to everyone’s heads. Starbuck has an idea – she and a few others will jump to Leoben’s baseship to see if his story checks out. Helo nods. That sounds reasonable. Gaeta says his leg hurts. Anyway, they jump to the baseship, or peices of the baseships.

Athena: Looks like we found what’s left of them.

Theoden: So much death.

President Roslin is in sickbay, undergoing diloxin treatments for her cancer. A few beds down, she hears another patient complaining about her treatment. She walks over to take a peek, and guess who it is? Major Kira Nerys from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine!

Roslin: Hi, I’m Laura Roslin. What’s your name?

Kira: We don’t have time for this! Tell the Captain there are five Dominion warships headed straight for the Station!

Roslin: I’m sorry, I don’t get that reference.

Kira tells her to make sure Quark isn’t up to any of his old tricks.

On the baseship, Starbuck and co. learn about the Cylon civil war from Natalie. Natalie says that if they can’t bring things to a decisive end within the next 24 hours, the rebels will seize the capitol. Athena is mobbed by a gaggle of Sharons. The whole thing brings back a lot of unpleasant memories for her.

Athena: I’d really just like to be left alone right now.

Sharon #1: Me too.

Sharon #2: Me three.

Athena: Please. Stop.

Sharon #3: Me four.

Sharon #4: Me five.

Athena: I hate my life.

Back in sickbay, Roslin tries talking to Major Kira again. This whole cancer thing has got her on a religious kick, and she thinks maybe the two of them can find some common ground. Again, she’s disappointed.

Kira: Everyone says he’s just another Starfleet captain, but he’ll always be the Emmisary to me.

Leoben has convinced the other Cylons to let Starbuck see the Hybrid, who’s been coming up with some crazy stuff lately. Her room looks like a Friday night at the UC-Berkeley student union. Smoke, jazz, bohemians snapping their fingers, with the Hybrid right in the middle.

Hybrid: People packed in metal tubes. Cigarettes, death sticks, a clever ruse. The will to live sucked out of me. Teacher never told us this is how life would be. Groovy man.

Crowd: *snap* *snap* *snap* *snap*

Natalie: Screw this. Let’s just unbox D’Anna.

Leoben: Cool beans.

The clock’s just about run out on the Demetrius, and Helo is getting ready to jump back to the Galactica. But suddenly, just before they take off, the baseship appears. Success!

Starbuck: Looks like everything worked out just fine, Helo.

Helo: It sure did, Starbuck. It sure did.

Late that night, Adama and Roslin sit up talking to each other. Adama asks if she’s met anyone or had any experiences that have changed her perspective on things lately.

Roslin: There was this one woman I met in sickbay.

Adama: Tell me about her.

Roslin: Hmm? Oh. Nothing. She’s dead now.

The End

FRAK ATTACK!! – “Bad. This is really bad.”

We open up on the Demetrius, two months into her mission to find Earth. Helo’s telling Starbuck that they’re due to meet the Galactica soon. Starbuck motions him over and shows him a starchart.

Helo: Starbuck, we’ve searched these grids twice already. You really think we’re going to find something this time?

Starbuck: Oh no. There’s no way we’ll find anything. But we just might find something.

Helo: ??

Back on the Galatica, Tyrol’s jumping rope. He realizes that with Cally gone, nobody’s going to want a bald, overweight ex-hangar chief who’s now been relegated to changing lightbulbs. Nicky’s been neglected and crawls around in a diaper that hasn’t been changed in two weeks.

Starbuck and Hot Dog are out exploring when they pick up a Cylon Heavy Raider on DRADIS. It’s Leoben, who tells Starbuck that it really is him. He’s been to Earth, and he’s going to take them here. What? Why the hell should we have to wait a year to find out what happens? Leoben comes aboard the Demetrius and tells Starbuck that she needs to see the Hybrid. She’s been to Earth, and she’s going to take them there.

Tory has a habit of finding members of the Tyrol family standing alone in viper launch tubes. That’s where she finds the chief, contemplating the strange circumstances surrounding his wife’s death.

Tory: You don’t want to do this. Galen, he’s your son.

Tyrol: What?

Tory: Oh, I’m sorry. I was thinking of something else. So… what’s up?

On the Demetrius, Anders walks in to find Starbuck and Leoben listening to Unchained Melody and making pottery. Anders goes totally bats**t and slams Leoben up against a wall. Leoben proposes an alliance between the Cylons and the Colonials. Anders flexes his muscles and is all like, “As if.”

Tyrol takes a trip down to Baltar’s lair to listen to one of his sermons. Baltar spots him and says that if Cally were here, she would want the two of them to be friends. As Tyrol leaves, Baltar calls out, “If you’d like, I can tell you about a few other things your wife, ‘liked’.” *snicker* Tyrol crushes his windpipe.

Leoben’s heavy raider blows up, killing sergeant Mathias, who was out there walking around on it for some reason. Starbuck flips out, which seems to be getting popular on the Demetrius. She goes down and takes it out of Leoben. Starbuck asks him what happened to her during the two months she was gone.

Leoben: You’re an angel, and you’re going to lead your people home.

Starbuck: Oh yeah well I guess I can see-bwaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh?!

Baltar feels real bad for what he said to Tyrol, so he goes down to his quarters to apologize for the whole thing. He says he’s sorry, then talks about his plans for when they get to Earth and he even reads a little from a screenplay he’s writing. Tyrol’s asleep and misses the whole thing.

Starbuck comes out from her cave to ramble a little bit about Mathias and and duty and honor, and how everything will be alright once they hook up with Leoben’s basestar.

Helo: Oh well I guess that sounds pretty goo-bwaaaaaaaaaahhhhh?!

What will happen next time? Stay tuned over the next few weeks as I struggle to catch up with FRAK ATTACK!!

FRAK ATTACK!! – “You are perfect just as you are.”

Friday’s episode opened with Cally’s memorial service. As Tyrol stares off into space, Roslin leans over to Adama and says, “All this pomp. When I die just put me in a box and bury me in the backyard.” Adama tells her that he could never do that, which is what Roslin wanted to hear in the first place. Tyrol continues to stare at the wall, and people eventually get uncomfortable and leave. It’s all very sad. As Tigh and Tory try and slip out the door, Tyrol grabs them.

Tyrol: Cylons!

Tigh: Sorry about your loss, Chief.

Tory: Yeah. Sorry, Chief.

Tyrol: Cylons!

Tigh: … the Hell?

Tigh’s been visiting Six in the brig and asking her what it’s like to be a Cylon. When she asks why he won’t stop bothering her, he says, “Pssh. You think I want to be here?” Then he sits down on her bed.

Tory pays a visit to Baltar, who’s looking more and more like Chris McDonald from Requiem for a Dream. He brings Tory up on stage.

Baltar: We gotta winnah! I said we got a winnah!

Audience: Juice by Tory! Juice by Tory! Ooooooooooh, Tory!

But before Tory’s awarded the grand prize, a bunch of Mad Max extras run in and paint all over the walls and pull everyone’s hair.

Down in the hangar deck, Tyrol’s forgotten to replace a crucial component in Racetrack’s raptor, and when they take it out, one of the engines blows and they’re forced to make a crash landing. The raptor smashes into the deck and explodes. As the wreckage burns and explodes even more, Racetrack and Skulls’ screams are drowned out only by the roar of the flames… and boy are they mad when they WALK OUT OF IT five minutes later. Tyrol is like whatevs, and asks Figursky what his major malfunction is.

In return for being humiliated on his show, Baltar and his followers attack a local church, which made us all wonder, what the hell was this chick drawing? A bird? An ass?

Tigh wanders into the brig nonchalantly. Six asks him what he’s doing there, again.

Tigh: Oh… heeey. I didn’t know you’d be here. So… what’s goin’ on?

Roslin takes a few minutes to visit Baltar in the brig. Now that she’s dying again the gloves are coming off, and if Baltar doesn’t check his s**t, she’s gonna take him down, all the way to China Town. Baltar tells her that he hairsprays his hair at least five times a day and he can still run his fingers through it.

Adama goes down to Joe’s to show everyone what a normal guy he is. When he sees Tyrol staring off into space, he again tries consoling him about Cally. Tyrol flips out and starts screaming about how a life on a Battlestar isn’t the life he chose. All he ever wanted to do was move down to Cabo, live on a fishing boat and bang waitresses. So, thanks life.

Lee’s rousing rabbles at another Quorum meeting, railing against the ban on free assembly that President Roslin’s imposed. Roslin, who’s looking more and more like Howard Hughes, complains about germs and unveils a plan to disenfranchise minorities. She’s also talking about setting aside money and buying up casinos along the Strip.

Later, Six wakes up to find Tigh unpacking his things in her cell. He’s real sorry he woke her up. She gets mean and lays hands on him. Not one to be made a fool of, Tigh gets mean right back. Then he gets mean all the way down to the floor in a puddle of his own blood. And we see his gross eye hole. It’s all very sexual.

Baltar and his fan club make their way back to their dungeon, but are blocked by a marine. He says that the maximum allowable number of people are already inside, and no one else can go in. He tells them all to leave, but Baltar beats himself up then throws himself into a glass table and some shelves. He crawls, bloody and broken, laughing and clutching at the Marine’s legs.

All of the sudden, Lee pops out of a trashcan and announces that a stunning blow has been struck against the forces of religious persecution. Everyone claps and a party is planned for later that evening. After having the s**t knocked out of him, Baltar makes a speech and tells everyone that their homework assignment is to get in a fight and lose. All his girlfriends stand around and cry. In the back, Six is checking out Tory. I have a feeling that even in it’s final season, BSG will take us to new sexual heights.

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FRAK ATTACK!! – “I wanna frak.”

Are we interested in being taken to new sexual heights aboard a Cylon resurrection ship? Yes. Veeery interested.

Down in Tyrol’s quarters, Nicholas is crying. Always the responsible mother, Cally stumbles around, drinking booze and popping pills. Things haven’t been so great with Tyrol lately. Cally knows it’s her fault and is trying to chase her guilt away with the brownest of the brown liquors. She decides to go down to Joe’s bar to find her husband and apologize, only to find him with that whore Tory! Tyrol’s indignant; can’t two friends have a drink, stroke each other’s arms and talk about all these new feelings they’re having? How insecure is she?

Lee’s just taken his Quorum position. He anxious to get down to business, but Zarek tells him that after the Baltar trial, President Roslin will probably keep him on the sidelines.

Lee: I had some bills I wanted to discuss. Projects Delegate Cowen was pushing before she died.

Roslin: Mr. Adorma, why don’t you discuss us all up some coffee. Thaaanks.

Meanwhile, Nicholas is crying. On the Demetrius, emo-Starbuck has gone batsh*t insane and spends most of her time skulking in the shadows and smearing poop on the walls of her quarters. Anders finds her painting a face on a volleyball. Starbuck says his name is Wilson and he’s going to help them on their way to Earth. Anders is skeptical. In a totally unforeseen plot twist, they yell at each other and have sex.

Back on the Basestar, the Brothers Cavil announce that they’ve seen the error of their ways and want to end the feud between the seven Cylon models. They agree to stop lobotomizing the raiders and unbox the D’Anna line.

Cavil: We’ll just need to travel to a secret location to upload her information.

Natalie: Well I don’t forsee any problems with that. Agreed.

In her quarters, Cally finds a mysterious note about a meeting in weapons locker 1701D (ZOMGEASTEREGGZFTW!!1!). Now’s her chance to catch Tyrol and Tory in the act. Because her diet consists mainly of booze and pills, she’s able to squeeze in between a crack in the wall and spy on Tigh, Tyrol and Tory, who are still meeting every week to talk about how weird it is now that they they’re Cylons. Their meetings always follow a strict schedule. First, Tigh yells at someone. The Chief paces around and looks like he’s deep in thought, then Tory says something weird. Tigh tells them all to go frak themselves, and they break. Anyway, it certainly seems to be raining s**t on Cally.

Natalie’s basestars jump to the specified coordinates. For some reason, the resurrection ship doesn’t follow. In a move that surprises no one, Natalie and friends are ambushed by a group of Cavil’s basestars and destroyed. As the ship blows up around her, the camera closes in and Natalie says, “Ay dios mio.” Nicholas starts crying.

Cally runs. Runs, runs to her quarters and grabs Nicholas, who starts crying. She takes him down to the hangar deck and locks both of them in a launch tube. Suddenly Tory appears. She plays nice, inches closer and closer, and then CYLON PUUUUUNNCCH!!1! She knocks Cally clear across the room and runs out with Nicholas, who starts crying. A minute later she opens the tube hatch and launches Cally out into space. Will the crew of the Galactica be able to rescue her? Tune in next week to find out!

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FRAK ATTACK!! – “We’re going the wrong way!”

When we left off last week, Starbuck was holding a gun to President Roslin’s head. In typical womanly fashion, Starbuck lays a total guilt trip on her, bringing up all those times Roslin wanted her to go to Caprica for this or that, and Starbuck just did it. Now Starbuck needs Roslin to do something, and where is she? Also like a typical woman, Roslin tries shooting Starbuck in the face. Before things get too out of control, the marines bust down the door and haul Starbuck to the brig.

Meanwhile, the Cylons take a break from playing piano and dancing naked to argue over what needs to be done with the Raiders, who have all registered as Conscientious Objectors to the war since they’ve discovered the Final Five inside the Colonial Fleet. Natalie, a new Number 6 model, sees this as a glorious leap forward in Cylon evolution. Cavil just wants to cut something up. They decide to hold free elections. Both go out to stump for their prospective parties.

Back on Galactica, Tigh, Tyrol, Anders and Tory continue with their weekly Cecret Cylon meetings. They’ve ruled out the possibility that Starbuck is the fifth Cylon, and figure there’s a chance Baltar might know something. Tigh will do anything to get the information he needs. And he means anything.

Tigh: Anders, you’re the prettiest one here. You know what you have to do.

Anders: Couldn’t we just send Tory?

Tigh: … Wait, what did I say?

Adama visits Starbuck, who’s eating her hair. Adama’s been drinking and slaps her around for a while.

On the Basestar, the Cylons have voted on what to do with the Raiders. While Natalie and her group won the popular vote, Cavil was able to steal it with some tricky electoral math. Simon says the quickest way to do things would be to lobotomize the Raiders one. At. A. Time. Battlestar Hostel ensues as we watch Simon drill and hack away at a Raider’s brains.

Baltar is eating in the mess hall with his army of Fembots when he catches Tory spying on him from across the room. He comes over and strikes up a conversation, and that leads to a whole bunch of sex, which is great because it’s about time Gaius got some. After Tory leaves, Baltar is paid a visit by Head Baltar. He tells him that Tory is “fragile” and that if he plays his cards right, he just might get lucky. *Wink*. Hate the game, not the player.

Meanwhile, at the Adama’s, Laura and Bill are discussing what they should do with their daughter, Starbuck. Laura wishes Bill would grow a pair and show the girl some discipline. Bill reminds Roslin that she couldn’t shoot Starbuck even though she was holding a gun right in her face. Roslin’s opening the mail.

Roslin: Thirty-five cubits? Bill, did you pay the water?

Adama: I thought I had.

Roslin: Dammit Bill.

Lee has quit his job as CAG to go off and be professionally good looking. He visits Starbuck in the brig, and the whole thing looks like an Abercrombie and Fitch photo shoot. Before leaving, they kiss passionately, I’m sure for the last time.

Natalie confronts Cavil, Simon and Doral on the Basestar. She gives them one last chance to stop lobotomizing the Raiders, or else they’ll be sorry. They all guffaw and Cavil snarls, “Or else what?” Natalie trots out two Centurions and says that she’s had their Telencephalic Inhibitors removed and that they’re now self-aware… and pissed off! Cavil spits out a mouthful of Cristal, yelling, “Jigga what!?” There’s a big, awesome, slow motion shoot-out and everyone dies. Natalie wonders whether or not it’s lonely at the top.

In the hangar deck, Adama and Helo meet secretly with Starbuck. Adama says he wishes he could quit her, but he can’t take the chance she really knows something about Earth. He gives her the toilet ship and tells her to go — go out and show them all. Will she? Tune in over the next few years to find out!
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FRAK ATTACK!! – “We’re Cylons.”

BSG? More like OMG! As in **** **** last night’s premiere was ******* awesome! It began where last season left off, with Jimi Hendrix revealing four of the final five Cylon models

The show’s new opening sequence promises that one more will be revealed, probably sometime in 2009.

SO, the Fleet is under attack and hotshot newbie Anders is eager to prove himself. When he finally joins the fight, he trails Seelix, saying, “Next one’s mine. Next one’s mine. Wait, wait… Next one’s mine.” By this point, half the Fleet is dead. Before Anders knows it he’s face to face with a Cylon raider.

After a long staring contest, the raider winks at him and the entire Cylon fleet jumps away. Even stranger than the Cylons running away is the return of Starbuck, who might as well have Earth chained to the back of her viper for that big, dumb grin on her face. Lee’s happy because he has someone to cheat on his wife with, but everyone else is afraid that this is another Cylon trick.

Once Starbuck is back on the ship, she’s all like “Surprise!”. Anders is like, “I see dead people,” and Lee is like, “ZOMGHUGZ!!1!” Adama, Tyrol and others check out Starbuck’s viper. Tyrol’s making with the jokes, but Admiral Adama is in no mood.

Tyrol: Man she must have found like a viper store on Earth because this thing is cherry LOL! Gimme some.

Adama: I hate you so much.

Even though she was lost over two months ago, Starbuck swears she’s only been gone a few hours. She tells everyone that there was a moon, and a gas giant, and you- and you- and you were there.

Meanwhile, Gaius Baltar’s life has gotten awesome. He’s kidnapped by a group of hot chicks who whisk him away to their secret love dungeon. They spend their time praying, sleeping on big piles of pillows and having sex, in groups. He can die now because things can only go down from there.

In the middle of all this, Adama and Lee find the time to say that they still love each other. Lee is wearing this sweater he bought at Express, to remind the old man that he’s quit his job as CAG. Adama takes Lee’s wings out from his pocket and is like, “For old times’ sake?” Lee tells him that he can’t, that he needs to get his head on straight, figure out who he really is and what he wants in life. He’s gonna travel, go to Europe or something. Take a semester off.

Starbuck’s telling everyone that she doesn’t know the way to Earth so much as she feels it, but everytime the Fleet makes a jump in the wrong direction, that feeling gets harder and harder to hold onto. Because she’s a lying b***h, Adama is jumping the Fleet in the complete opposite direction. Starbuck is royally pissed and so takes a walk with Anders, who’s feeling major guilt after realizing he’s a Cylon.

Anders: You know babe, if I found out you were a Cylon, I’d be like… totally cool with it. Totally. So like, do you… think you’re a Cylon, too — I mean, a Cylon?

Starbuck: Sam, if I found out you were a Cylon, I’d shoot you just to watch you die.

Anders starts sweating, but can’t show that he’s nervous, so he’s all like, “Man, you are DARK!”, and ruffles Starbuck’s hair. It’s here that Starbuck realizes only after she murders the President will everyone realize how sane and rational she is, and how she only has the Fleet’s best interests in mind. So, after beating up the most ineffectual marines you ever imagined, she makes her way to Adama’s quarters, where the President’s been shacking up. President Roslin wakes up to find a gun in her face. Who’s gun? That, and more, will be revealed in next week’s episode!

Better than ten Superbowls! If SCI-FI decides to air the back ten episodes in 2009, I am just gonna snap. Anyway, join us again next week, for another FRAK ATTACK!!

Battlestar is Back(lestar)

The fourth season of Battlestar Galactica is a scant two weeks away, so if you need to get caught up, here’s a video that recaps the series to this point. Of course, if you don’t watch the show, stop reading this right now and run back to your big, dumb, homo Lipstick Jungle.

In other Battlestar-related news, the SCIFI Channel announced at their upfronts this week that they’ve given the greenlight to Caprica, a BSG prequel series that will chronicle events leading up to the First Cylon War. But fans shouldn’t expect a BSG rip-off. In a recent interview, executive-producer Ron Moore said, “If Battlestar Galactica is Black Hawk Down, I would say that Caprica is American Beauty.” At this point, it hasn’t been confirmed whether or not Bill Adama will leave his wife to cheat with Starbuck’s 16-year-old best friend.

Starting April 4th, you’ll be able to find recaps of each new episode right here, because we don’t want our readership to shrivel up and die once Lost goes into re-runs.