All Good Things…

Tonight we say goodbye to one of the best shows in the history of television. Goodbye, Lost. There will never be another show like you, although that won’t stop ABC from trying to find one.

Oh yeah. I’ve got more of this stuff coming, too, for those of you who still care.

The end of an era.

From the Twitter accounts of Messirs @DamonLindelof and @CarltonCuse…

We’re done. Amen.

So say we all.

LOSTWATCH!! – “I think I’m remembering stuff.”

Eccentric millionaire and shut-in Hugo Reyes has it rough. He spends most of his time at award ceremonies, being honored for his various and sundry philanthropic work.

After this latest ceremony, his mother surprises him with an unexpected announcement.

So Hurley goes on his date.

And there went his first impression. Unfortunately, things don’t get much better.

Something’s obviously wrong with Libby, and it isn’t long before someone comes to take her away.

Now that Hurley sees there’s something wrong with her — and realizes they could never, ever be together — he must have her. His obsession consumes him and he sinks into a deep depression. And it’s in the throes of that depression that Desmond finds him stuffing his face in the middle of a Mr. Clucks.

Maybe Desmond’s got a point, or maybe the crazy Scotsman is just craaazy. But he does give Hurley an idea. If Libby can’t come to him, he’ll go to Libby, and visit her in the barrel! Or the bush. But then there would need to be two of them. Wait—nevermind. To the mental institution! Hurley’s first obstacle, getting past the stuffy, old institution keep!

Luckily, Hurley’s wise to the cut of his jib and makes himself look like a nubile fifteen year old.

Ugh. Haunting. Anyway, Libbey’s pretty happy to see him. And even happier to hear Hurley’s idea.

Well, maybe not that idea. But the next one is pretty good.

So they go to the beach that very moment!

And who’s that, spying our two lovers from afar?

But Desmond isn’t done yet. He’s spotted again, across town, spying on a bunch of kids Mr. Locke at the high school. But never fear. Mr. Linus is on the case!

W. T. F? Anyway, on the island Hurley is sharing a different kind of special moment with Libby when he’s interrupted by that jerk, Ilana.

And that’s exactly what happens. Ilana’s so sure that her idea is the best. She took some dynamite from the Black Rock. How hard could it be to use it to blow up the Ajira plane, right?

Ilana blowing herself up seemed so unlikely, that when Hurley volunteers to take over as leader, NO ONE OBJECTS.

And off they go. Jack looks resigned. Richard looks frustrated. Miles looks nervous. Lapidus is still there? And Sun, well, she still can’t speak English.

Things aren’t much better in Locke’s camp. After sitting still for days, Sawyer’s gotten restless, and Locke is sick of his lip.

Things perk up a bit when Sayid comes back to camp with a special surprise for Locke.

Locke tells Sayid that he has something to show Desmond, and the two go off alone into the jungle. As they’re walking, Desmond hears someone following them, but why the hell is the show throwing out more questions with only FIVE EPISODES LEFT? Seriously, who is this kid? And why is he dressed like one of the Lost Boys?

Anyway, they finally reach their destination. And what is it that Locke just HAD to show Desmond? It’s a…well? Where could this be going?

And PUSH!

His mission accomplished, Locke heads back to camp, and to more of Sawyer’s questions.

But wait. Who’s that coming out of the jungle?

LOSTWATCH!! – “What if this wasn’t supposed to be our life?”

Hey, does anyone remember that Desmond guy? No? Me neither. But it turns out that Widmore had him hidden on his submarine to use in his nefarious scheme. Let’s watch!

They’re not going to be able to do much with Desmond acting like this, so Widmore decides to move his SECRET TEST up a bit…like NOW!

So Desmond is prepped inside a box that looks like the raptor cage from Jurassic Park. Once everything’s ready, they flip the switch.

The discharge is so powerful that it drains energy from all over the station!

And we fade to white to reveal…

Desmond decides she isn’t worth the trouble and finds his limo driver. It ain’t no thang, because let’s face it, Desmond’s got problems, but a b***h ain’t one. Ya heard? Anyway, if he really needs a woman, Minkowski’s got it taken care of.

Desmond tells Minkowski to just drive him to the boss’s office. Just who is this boss, you may be wondering. Well, Desmond’s boss is none other than…Zoe?

Just kidding. It’s Widmore.

Widmore sends Desmond to pick up Charlie Pace, who’s hair is all buzzed and gross now. Charlie’s band is supposed to play with Widmore’s son at some fancy-schmancy party. What follows is the dumbest and most cliched scene we’ve ever seen in Lost.

Inside some sh***y little dive bar…

Which he’ll do on his way to Widmore’s expensive, rich-people party. As they’re driving, Charlie’s band SOULSTORM comes on the radio.

A sudden attack of conscience forces Desmond back down to rescue Charlie. But as he reaches the car, he sees a mysterious vision.

Desmond calls “the boss” (his secret name for Widmore) to tell him the bad news.

Widmore’s a busy man and can’t be bothered with things like talking to his family, so Desmond’s charged with disappointing him. He doesn’t care because there are much weightier things to be discussed!

How the hell did Faraday make that jump? I had a dream I made out with Scarlett Johansson once, but that doesn’t mean I broke into her house the next day to tell her that we were lovers in another life (yes I did). All I’m saying is that it’s very convenient that he figured out EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING ON. And from what, deja vu?

So Desmond goes to meet Penny, who for some reason isn’t scared to death by being approached by a man in a completely empty sports stadium.

And of course Desmond quantum leaps just as he’s about to bag the girl. When he comes to on the island, he’s a changed man.

Huh? But suddenly…!

Desmond just watches her go, that big, charming Scotsman grin plastered on his face.

Yep. That’s the one. When he gets back to the limo, he has a question for Minkowski.

LOSTWATCH!! – “I don’t like secrets.”

When we last saw Sun and Jin, they had been held for questioning by Homeland Security. From the defeated look on Jin’s face, we can only assume the experience was less than pleasant for him.

They get a warmer reception at their hotel, although it still isn’t doing much for their perception of Americans.

Once they get up to their room, Sun tries to loosen the mood.

But in the end, Jin’s bruised confidence in his masculinity is no match for Sun’s feminine wiles.

And he’s back. It’s amazing what a night of passion and unbridled ecstasy can do for a person.

And if you can believe it, Sun’s even happier than he is.

Before Jin has to come up with an excuse, he’s saved by a knock at the door.

When Sun opens the door, she finds an old friend (new friend? I don’t know anymore).

It’s Martin Keamy, who can be a real EGGHEAD. But don’t piss him off, ’cause you wouldn’t want him to CRACK your SHELLS legs! He tells Jin that if he doesn’t get his money, things will not end well for him.

And the same goes for Sun.

The Federales confiscated all of Jin’s money at the airport, so Sun is going to have to bail them out with her private account. She’ll head to the bank with Keamy’s weird translator friend while Jin goes with Keamy to his next business appointment. Things aren’t looking good once they get there. Keamy’s tied Jin up inside a refrigerator while he deals with another matter.

Outside, Jin can hear a struggle — and gunshots! Jin chews through his restraints, then chews through the refrigerator door for some reason. We he goes out into the kitchen, everyone’s dead. Everyone except for the translator guy, who’s come back with Sun and is now sticking a gun in Jin’s back. But Jin’s got the upper hand, because he knows KARATE. Well, he doesn’t really, but he’s Asian, so he tricks the translator by pretending he knows KARATE.

One lucky shot.

Sorry, sorry. That was the last one. I promise. Anyway, what do Jin and Sun do now?

Yeah! So on the island, Jin is packing up to get the hell out of Dodge. Locke is out foraging in the jungle for berries or twigs or some crazy crap like that, so now’s the perfect time to go. He could have gotten out in time, but Sawyer held him up.

Suddenly, they’re attacked! Guess by who.

While he’s unconscious, Jin is plagued by horrible nightmares of this crazy man-woman violating him. When he wakes up, he’s alone in her dark sex dungeon.

Jin turns the movie on, but it takes him a minute to get the reference.

Suddenly the lights turn on and the woman from the jungle comes inside.

Zoe runs her hand seductively down her adam’s apple. The air is electric with sexual energy. The tiny hairs of her mustache stand on end. But Jin just isn’t having it.

Widmore tells Jin that there’s so much he’s missed in the years he and Sun have been separated. To prove it — because the fact that Jin’s missed things in three years is something that needed to be proved — Widmore shows him a bunch of creepy pictures he’s taken of Sun and their daughter.

And speaking of Sun, things have been kind of hard on her these past few years, and it’s all starting to bubble up to the surface.

A woman just can’t win, can she? Always the fixer, Jack goes to see if there’s anything he can do to help.

I think that went really well. But if for some reason Jack only pissed Sun off more, wait until you see what happens when Locke drops by.

When Jack and the others finally get Sun back to camp, they discover that she can’t speak English.

It looks like they’ve got a little bit of time to kill, so that night Jack tries smoothing things over with Sun.

LOSTWATCH!! – “El Diablo!”

This week Last week, we find found our Castaways regrouping and planning their next move.

Magically, we’re transported back to a simpler time. A time without islands, magic and evil monsters. We find Richard Alpert as a poor farmer living on a small island. His wife is sick and he has precious little time to get the magic elixir from the village doctor, who’s a real evil monster!

For his song, the doctor gives Richard a cure for all that ails ‘ya.

He got what he needed, but Richard grew up on the streets, so he beats the doctor half to death and robs him anyway. As quickly as he can, Richard gets the medicine to his wife, but alas, he’s too late!

To serve out his sentence, Richard is sent to the island prison of…

There, after years of imprisonment, he meets a man who promises him the thing he wants most: escape! All he asks for in return is help digging his secret tunnels.

Now, Richard is the property of Magnus Hanso, but he’s having a harder time adjusting to slavery than he thought he would.

So anyway, they head off across the Atlantic. But when a storm brews up they drift off course, toward a mysterious island!

A massive tidal wave tosses them on the shore. When Richard finally regains consciousness, they’re killing the prisoners! They’re killing the prisoners!

But before Richard can be struck down, the ship is attacked by a familiar face. The Man in Black releases Richard from his chains in exchange for a favor.

Richard accepts (because, seriously, what else was he going to do?) and now he’s off to meet Jacob.

Jacob takes Richard back to the statue and explains what he’s gotten himself caught up in.

Ever since the Man in Black moved out of their apartment, Jacob’s been looking for a new wingman. Someone to hit the clubs with. Richard’s got just the right mix of Latin flair and sweet dumb foreigner to be a real chick magnet.

But there’s one more thing.

So Richard goes to tell the Man in Black that he’s switched sides.

In the present day, Richard’s gone back to the same spot where he spoke to the Man in Black all those years before.

But someone’s followed him. It’s Hurley! He’s come to give Richard some extra motivation.

{coda}

LOSTWATCH!! – “Is there something you want to tell me?”

And now we know that the Lost writers have really gone off the deep end. In last week’s episode, the craziness in Bizarro World continued with…Sawyer? In bed? With a woman? What kind of Twilight Zone BS is this!??

That’s right. Sawyer’s a…cop. And guess who his scrappy sidekick is.

It’s fun to play “what might’ve been” and see where the Losties have all ended up in the new timeline, but I don’t think anyone bought Sawyer as a cop.

In addition to coffee, Miles also got Sawyer a woman. Well, it’s a blind date, but Sawyer knows how to close a deal, so to speak.

And before you know it, Sawyer’s busy deposing the witness (having sex). But things go wrong when Charlotte goes looking for a t-shirt.

Things don’t go much better the next day when Miles confronts him over his trip to Sydney.

Feelin’ blue, Sawyer goes to Charlotte’s apartment to try and smooth things over. But just like Miles, she’s not having it, or is she?

That’s right. As long as you’re good looking and keep a healthy amount of stubble, some women will let you walk all over them. Anyway. On the island, Locke’s plans are beginning to come together. He tells Sawyer that he’s got a special mission for him.

Locke leaves Sawyer to it. He can’t go with him, because it looks like trouble may be brewing back at camp! Claire’s introducing Kate to her “special little guy.”

Kate finally realizes that Claire is good and crazy, so she figures that now’s the perfect time to tell her the truth about Aaron. Claire takes the news about as well as you’d expect.

Locke gets back from the beach just in time to take care of bidness.

Now that’s what I call a STICKY situation! What? Anyway, Sawyer’s on Monster Hydra Island, and makes a grim discovery!

Then suddenly, someone jumps out of the bushes! Remember all those fantasies you had about being trapped on a deserted island with the hottest person you know? This is nothing like that.

Well, Sawyer can dig that, maybe if the lights were turned off, so he and his new friend head off down the beach.

I think we ALL know that’s not true.

Sawyer’s not buying it. Deep down, neither is she.

The woman takes off her wig and glasses to reveal…Charles Widmore?

Widmore tells Sawyer that he’s got BIG plans for the island. He can get in on the ground floor, but he’ll have to betray everyone he cares about. Sawyer’s surprisingly cool with it and heads back to the main island. When he gets back, Locke asks him how things went.

How will it all play out? I think the answer to that may be completely unsatisfying! But enough with the trickery and double-crossing. Tonight’s episode ends on a lighter note, and really reminds us why we’re so connected to these characters.

LOSTWATCH!! – “I’ll have you.”

In this week’s episode, Ben and Arzt get together at lunch to piss and moan like a couple of schoolgirls. Principal Reynolds doesn’t like Ben’s history club and he’s being a real douche about it. Mr. Locke’s been eavesdropping and pipes in with a novel idea.

Of course, the life of a high school teacher is full of glamor and lots of hot tail, but Ben doesn’t care much for all of that. No, he does what he does for the kids. Kids like Alex Rousseau, who really need Ben’s help.

At their tutoring session, Alex lets a secret about Principal Reynolds slip.

I’m not sure if that secret says more about Principal Reynolds or Alex. Anyway, Ben comes up with a plan to get rid of Reynolds and save his history club at the same time. Blackmail! It’s foolproof, or so he thinks. Reynolds doesn’t exactly have the reaction Ben was expecting.

Wow. Haunting. Anyway, on the island the Ajira folks are running through the jungle, trying to get away from Locke. They stop to catch their breath, and Ilana takes the opportunity to satisfy some curiosity.

They make their way to the beach and start setting up camp. Ben’s happy because he finally feels like he belongs. But he soon finds out that Ilana isn’t just going to let the whole Jacob thing go.

INTERMISSION

Elsewhere on the island, Jack and Hurley have met up with Richard, and are anxious to get some answers.

Guess we’ll just have to wait!

Anyway, Ilana leaves Ben to his grim task. Needless to say, the whole thing’s really harshed his mellow. And when Ben’s upset, everyone knows it.

But suddenly, while he’s working, Locke appears out of nowhere with a special offer.

Ben’s not havin’ it. So Locke tells him that if he wants, there’s a gun in the jungle he can use to get away from Ilana. Whatever. He’s done. Peace out, a-hole. Ben takes his chance. He darts into the jungle, with Ilana close behind him. He grabs the gun. It looks like he just might make it!

But the heroics quickly fade to a sloppy, blubbery mess of tears and self pity.

So they head back to the beach. Finally, Ben’s a part of the team…right?

Awww. Sad. But our problems don’t end there. Just off the coast of Lost Island, trouble’s afoot!

LOSTWATCH!! – “He’s coming and they can’t stop him.”

On this week’s Lost we find Sayid visiting some family whom he loves dearly and would NEVER hurt.

Things are awkward enough after Sayid brought Nadia a bouquet of flowers and a lace negligee. Unfortunately, his kids niece and nephew aren’t making things any easier on him.

Later that night Omar wakes Sayid up and delivers some bad news.

Tragedy strikes when the mobsters attack Omar and put him in the hospital. Nadia and Sayid rush to the hospital.

Later that night, Sayid shatters a vase, but Nadia shatters her inhibitions!

And we slowly fade to black. The next day, Sayid’s wearing Omar’s clothes and watering the lawn when a van pulls up to the house and a strange man steps out.

Sayid, whose parents never taught him better, gets in the van. The creepy guy drives him to a shady backroom and it’s there we meet Martin Keamy, and because he spends the entire time talking about eggs I’m guessing he’s one of the real mobster’s cousins and part of some program where they let people who aren’t right in the head come to work for a day. It’s kind of sad, really.

Just for good measure, Sayid shoots him in the head.

He’s embraced his rage and hate and is now one step closer to the Dark Side. Things aren’t going much better for him in our universe. Over there, he’s finally had it with Dogan and his secrets and he decides that it’s time for some answers.

Outside, Kate’s come back to the temple. Miles is happy to see her, because ever since Hurley left he hasn’t had much to do besides play tic-tac-toe with coconuts and banana leaves.

It doesn’t take Kate long to realize that Claire’s gone batsh*t bonkers, so there’s not really any point trying to convince her of anything, right?

But enough pointless filler. Outside, Sayid is on a mission. If Dogan can’t kill him, he figures Locke might be able to, so he’s sent him on a suicide mission. Kill Locke, save the temple.

All Sayid’s got to do is deliver a message. That and kill a few people, which he’s more than happy to do. He head’s back to the temple and delivers Locke’s message.

Then he goes and kills Dogan and Lennon. Things just got real. Mad real. When the Ajira folks get to the temple, Ben finds Sayid sitting alone, admiring his handiwork.

And the horror begins. Locke races through the temple destroying everything in his path and anyone standing in his way.

Luckily, Ilana knows the temple’s secrets and show’s everyone where to hide!

So the dust finally settles and Locke’s got to be feeling pretty good about himself. Pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty good. All of his new homeboys gather ’round and they set of into the jungle to go start some major shit. Kate tags along even though she knows she’s powerless to stop him. Locke’s got 99 problems, but a b**ch ain’t one, amirite?

LOSTWATCH!! – “That’s not John. This is my friend.”

In Bizarro World, we discover that not only is Jack a father, but he looks good doin’ it! Unfortunately, it’s sooo hard raising a kid and Jack’s having a tough time getting through to the little guy.

While Jack’s at his mom’s place, Jack Jr. packs a bag and runs away. Jack’s not sure what’s happened, but he fears the worst.

Now that’s he’s good and plastered, he starts drunk-dialing all his friends and screaming at them, Mel Gibson style.

He gets it in his head that his ex-wife came to pick him up (Man, that would be so like her, too. Seriously, does she think she can just pull this crap and there won’t be any consequences?), so he heads over to the heartless shrew’s house to get him back. As he’s ripping the place up the phone rings and he hears a sobering message.

Jack rushes to the performance just in time to see his son play. It’s touching. It’s beautiful. Jack catches him out in the parking lot.

On the island, there’s not a lot to do. Everyone’s just kind of bumming around, hanging out.

Hurley realizes that Miles is really starting to annoy the s**t out of him, so he goes off to explore. As he’s shuffling through the temple’s catacombs he sees Jacob, who tells him that he needs to take Jack on a secret mission.

It takes some doing, but Hurley’s able to convince Jack to go with him. They’re making their way through the jungle when they stumble upon Kate washing her nubile body in the river. All that sexual tension is a lot to keep stuffed down inside, and I’m wondering how they don’t just rip their clothes off right there.

Fun’s fun, but Kate’s keepin’ it real. This ain’t no time for jokes and she’s got to get back on the trail.

Women, huh? Jack and Hurley continue toward wherever the hell it is they’re going, which turns out to be a lighthouse. Why did they never see it before? Because they weren’t looking for it, that’s why! I love you, Lost. The two go inside.

When they get to the top, they find a mysterious compass, with mysterious names written around it. Hurley’s ready to go with it, but Jack’s had enough.

Jack collapses in a pile of spent rage and sissy tears. Outside, Jacob appears again and tells Hurley that everything went according to plan. I had a feeling it would.

When we last left Jin, he had gotten his foot stuck in a bear trap after trying to steal one of Claire’s pickinik baskets. Claire sets him free and takes Jin and the Other Other to her weird Jodie Foster teepee out in the jungle. It’s clear right from the start that she’s gone a little stir-crazy.

Jin has to be very careful or else he’ll set Claire off and have her go all Misery on him. She’s questioning the Other Other, convinced that they’re the ones who stole Aaron away from her. When he won’t answer her questions…

This is all par for the course for our timid little Claire, and she tells Jin that everything’s going to be alright.

Then, as if on cue…