5 Reasons FlashForward is a Flash in the Pan

I’ve been doing some soul-searching lately, trying to decide whether or not I’m as into FlashForward as I thought I’d be. I have to tell you, I don’t think I am. It’s possible that more soul searching may be required. Anyway, Cinema Blend posted an article today that sums up a lot of my problems with the show perfectly. Par exemple…

The (yawn) characters (yaaaawwwwnn) are “yaaaaaaawwwwwnnnnn”:

Benford is an alcoholic. Demetri might die. After that, do we really care about anyone else in this show? I know I don’t. Benford’s wife is having an affair with some villain? Who cares. The other FBI agent is going to get pregnant? Snooze. Here is the biggest indictment of the whole cast: I have seen every episode and I needed to go on the website to find out any of the other characters’ names. That is bad, bad, bad. Maybe it is my fault for not paying enough attention, but honestly do you know what Mark’s wife’s name is? His sponsor? Anyone else? I know I don’t.

The entire article is compelling, and rich. Check it out here.

V kicks off tomorrow

ABC’s remake of the classic sci-fi miniseries begins tomorrow, so you’ve got an important decision to make: Will you instead watch So You Think You Can Dance, or The Biggest Loser? I keeed, I keeed. I’m sure the show is going to be great. Well, scratch that. I’m not sure, actually. Every time I see that promo with Muse playing in the background I ask myself what exactly it is that ABC wants the show to be. Do they want something gritty and realistic, a show about people who slowly come to realize that these aliens are planning on taking over the planet, or do they want…a music video…for Muse. Add that to the fact that the show is going to take a months-long break after airing only the first four episodes, and I start feeling sad.

But of course I’ll be watching. And when the show is wildly successful I’ll put up with its seven-month long breaks in between seasons, and the questions that it won’t answer until its last couple of episodes. Why do I keep dating the same girl?

FlashForward – “D. Gibbons is a bad man.”`

The world is still trying to come to terms with the effects of the Flashforward. Some people are handling it better than others.

Aaron: You know, I could walk up to anyone and ask, “What did you see?” and they would all say—

Mark: Your beard! A**hole… *glugluglug*

Mark is still upset about Olivia’s vision and is becoming more paranoid about this Lloyd Simcoe character. Over at FBI headquarters, the Team is met by Deputy Secretary of Homeland Security Anastasia Markham, who’s none too pleased that they’ve taken it upon themselves to investigate the Flashforward.

Anastasia: You hope you’ll find out what happened during the blackout? No one spends millions of dollars on hope!

Stan: I guess someone forgot to tell Barack Obama! Ya burnt!

Demetri is still freaking out about his non-vision. Mark’s tried calming him down, but he hasn’t been much help. Things change when they meet up with the local police in Pigeon, Utah.

Cop: I didn’t see anything, either.

Demetri: Really?

Cop: Yeah.

Demetri: You know, I think thing’s are gonna be alright.

Then this happened…

At the hospital, Olivia’s finally met Lloyd. She swore to Mark that no matter what happened, she could never feel anything for this man, but she’s finding it tough to resist that windswept hair and saucy British accent!

Lloyd: How do I tell my son that his mum is dead?

Olivia: Make me feel like a real woman.

Lloyd: Huh?

Olivia: Gotta go!

This is the point in the show where someone turns on one of the Grey’s Anatomy soundtracks. We flip through quick shots of everyone winding down after a long day.

Stan stops by the office to drop off some cupcakes.

Janice: Flash forward to my ass ballooning two sizes LOL!

Demetri: Oooohohohohoha! I like you!

Stan: Hey guys shut up a minute. I don’t know if you saw this, but we triangulated the calls that Gibbons chick made on her cellphone, and it looks like she was talking to Suspect Zero…during the blackout!

Demetri: Woah!

Janice: Mmmphphphhpgoohcupcake…

A little birdie tells me that this week’s episode will have people everywhere asking when the characters will quit acting like cardboard cutouts! Tune in!

Grey’s Anatomy is back.

In case you missed Thursday’s episode…

Mmm, unconventional! I can’t wait to see what the season has in store!

FlashForward – “There are no more good days.”

EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES – DAY

A typical summer morning. Birds chirping. People on their way to work. Widen to reveal –

Four Hours Earlier

A typical summer morning. Birds chirping. People on their way to work. Mexicans trimming the trees and mowing the grass. Mark Benford kisses his wife Olivia before leaving for the day. Aaron Stark trims his beard. Bryce Varely sticks a gun to his head. The hot chick who was on Mad Men is taking her clothes off. Business as usual, right? WRONG. Today’s the day everything changes. Boom. Roasted.

FBI agent Mark and his sidekick Hikaru Sulu are chasing some stock terror suspect who will turn out to be central to the show’s plot halfway through the season when suddenly–!

For 2 minutes and 17 seconds, the entire world blacks out. No one’s sure what’s going on, but it’s like one of those Yellow Submarine things where even though it’s like one big acid trip, the music’s still pretty good so I just went with it. And then my aunt walked in and I was so high I hit on her, and she touched me in my swimsuit area.

When everyone wakes up LA is on fire. Sulu takes the helm while Mark tries to help all the people who are freaking out. Over at the hospital, Olivia is dealing with the same thing. Back at their house, Nicole the nanny pushes her boyfriend off of her long enough to make sure Charlie isn’t dead. She’s awake, clutching her teddy bear.

Nicole: Are you alright, sweety?

Charlie: I had a bad dream.

Nicole: What did you do?

Charlie: The malice of the act was base and I loved it–that is to say I loved my own undoing, I loved the evil in me–not the thing for which I did the evil, simply the evil: my soul was depraved, and hurled itself down from security in You into utter destruction, seeking no profit from wickedness but only to be wicked.

Nicole: Maybe I should call your mom.

Olivia’s got her own problems.

Later, at FBI headquarters, Mark and a stock task force gather in a conference room to figure out what’s happened. From what they know, the blackouts affected everyone on the planet.

Mark: No. It was more than a blackout. It was like a memory… of the future!

Everyone. At the Exact Same F’ing Time: You mean…a flash-forward?

Seth MacFarlane: Giggity.

Mark tells Demetri they need to figure out a way to see what everyone saw during the flashforward. They’re on it, and a plan comes together surprisingly fast.

Demetri: We’ll make a website!

Girl: And a TV show!

They take the idea to Stan, who’s quick to jump onboard.

Stan: Good job, guys. But let’s keep all this blackout business under wraps for now. We can’t let the public find out about this.

Mark: Uh, you realize the world knows, right?

Stan: Keep up the good work.

That night, Mark’s talking to Nicole. Ever since the blackout, she hasn’t been able to stop crying.

Nicole: I’ve been watching the news all day, except for when I was…nevermind. I just don’t know what to think, you know? I’m scared. I’m horny.

Mark: You really should go. I’m already a recovering alcoholic, I don’t need–you know. That other stuff coming up.

Nicole: What other stuff?

Mark: Please leave.

And she’s not the only one acting strange. Mark told Olivia what he saw during his blackout, but Olivia’s kept quiet.

Mark: What did you see, babe?

Olivia: I don’t want to talk about it.

Mark: But–

Olivia: He made me feel like a real woman!

Back in the office, whatshername calls Demetri over. She points to her computer.

Girl: Did you know every security camera in the world feeds into the FBI database?

Demetri: Really?

Girl: Yeah. I just finished looking through it. Check out what I found!

Demetri: That wasn’t taken during the blackout. It’s an Astros game. But it’s kind of cool that you found such a huge clue so quickly.

Girl: I know, right?

What does it all mean? Who’s the mysterious Suspect 0? What role will the kangaroo play? Was my Astros joke topical? More importantly, will FlashForward be as commercially viable as Lost? Tune in next week!

Cougar Town, “Pilot”: Pow!

“Maybe what really drives you nuts is that you couldn’t bag a young stud if you tried,” Josh Hopkins tells Courtney Cox in Cougar Town’s pilot episode. “You don’t think I could?” asks Cox, right before calling out to a kid riding by on his bike. “Pow!” She pulls open her robe, and the kid, who will be telling this story to his friends well into college, plows head-on into a parked car.

I just watched the pilot again and I’m still cleaning up the Dr. Pepper I spit all over my TV. I’m not sure what ABC did to deserve it, but as far as good TV goes, their cup runneth over this season.

Cougar Town stars Courtney Cox as Jules Cobb, a 40-year old single mom who’s trying to jump back in to the dating scene. Being single, being 40 with a 17-year old son, she’s (understandably) a little anxious. There to push her into the deep end is her best friend Laurie, played by Busy Phillips. After working some kinks out at the local discotheque, Jules hooks up with Matt. After moving things back to her place, they’re interrupted by Jule’s ex-husband Bobby and her son Travis.

Jules getting caught doing that thing she always told Bobby she hated but really doesn’t sums up a lot of show. It’s that, “Oh s**t. I’m doing this and people can see me,” feeling that makes Jules so hesitant to start dating again. Bobby and Travis aren’t making it any easier for her. Bobby looks on, amused, while Travis — the teenager who’s still getting picked on at school — can only watch in horror, especially after his dad gets a job at his school…cutting the grass.

The show was created by Scrubs alums (or as I call them, Scrubs Scribes) Bill Lawrence and Kevin Biegel, so fans of that show will definitely recognize the humor, although it’s a bit more reined in here. Reined in, but every bit as funny. We all knew Courtney Cox could do comedy, but this seems like a role she was almost born to, especially when you consider what all of the ex-Friends have gone on to do after that show completed its run.

Structurally, the show’s still working out a few kinks. I think it’s something all sitcoms go through in their first few episodes, and I don’t think the show is going to have any problems settling into its own rhythm. It’s a great premise, and while Cox is clearly the star, she’s got some talent backing her up. Brian Van Holt as Cox’s absent-minded ex-husband provides some of the show’s laugh-out-loud moments, as do Christa Miller and Ian Gomez, Cox’s neighbors who have settled into a life of utterly predictable marital bliss.

On the Working Title TV-Meter, we give Cougar Town–just kidding. Could you imagine something so ridiculous? Anyway, on the Working Title TV-Meter we give Cougar Town a B++, which is basically an A. I just hesitate giving any show an A right out of the gate, even though this one really had me laughing. Anyway, on Wednesday nights ABC is definitely the place to be. Cougar Town and the network’s other freshman comedy, Modern Family, seem to be a good pair. Considering the ratings, they’re both off to a good start. Hopefully that’ll keep up. I’d hate to buy a DVD next year that said Cougar Town: The Complete Series.

Lost: The Final Season

Call me late to the party, but I just found this poster that was unveiled at Comic Con for Lost’s sixth and FINAL (*sniff*) season. Take a look at how many characters are coming back! Oh yeah… spoilers.

LOSTWATCH!! – “Who’s gonna get my back?”

Well, we sure know who’s going to be getting Juliette’s back, amirite? Haaaaa. It’s the swingin’ 70’s. Dharma’s heyday. The Dharmafolks are busy conducting experiments on who’s mellow is more yellow and who’s got the loosest caboose. That is, until Horace comes in, harshin’ everyone’s buzz.

Phil: Is that Horace? Is he carrying dynamite?! Ruh-roh. Better call LaFleur.

Dharma Guy: (into phone) Hello? Get me Jean Philippe LaFleur… I don’t care! Interrupt him!

They’ve all had a bit to drink and things are getting out of hand. They don’t take kindly to Miles, who’s trying to get everyone to settle down.

Finally, they head out to meet LeFleur, the shadowy head of Dharma security. A moment later the door opens. We hear a scruffy voice and see a lone form cloaked in shadow. We widen to reveal…!

When LaFleur hears what’s wrong, he gets a wistful look in his eye. A smile plays across his lips and a slight breeze ruffles his hair.

LaFleur: This reminds me of something. A long time ago. The perfect end to the perfect day. A day just like this one this one this one this one…

Three Years Earlier

LaFleur: We were dropped into the middle of the jungle, dressed as civilians. We were doin’ one thang, and one thang only. Killin’ Hostiles.

LaFleur: We found two of them beatin’ up on Horace’s wife. After we took ‘em out, she wanted to bury ‘em. I didn’t like it. If we left ‘em out, the Hostiles couldn’t help but imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives.

Dharma Guy: That’s kind of f**ked up.

LaFleur: She seemed a little shady to me. And I was right not to trust her. Once we got to that sonic fence, she gave us what for. Almost zapped our brains out.

LaFleur: When we woke up we’s was with Horace. Had his knickers all up in a knot over that Richard guy. The fancy boy with the makeup. I told him not to worry. I’d set things straight.

Dharma Guy: Whad’ya do, LaFleur?

LaFleur: I told him we’s the ones killed his Hostile buddies, and if he weren’t careful, we’d kill him and the rest of his eyeliner-wearin’ buddies, too.

——————–

Richard: My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

LaFleur: What now?

Richard: Nuss’ing. Mistare LeFlooure, ve vequiah JUSTICE! You meh tell Horse he hat nuss’ing to fere from ‘ze Hostiles, zo longk az ve can bringk bek ze man zey killed in ze jungle zis afternoon.

LaFleur: Hoss, you are tryin’ mah patience.

——————–

LaFleur: So anyway, I told Horace what the deal was, and he told Amy that she was gonna have to give over her dead boyfriend.

Amy: Will they respect his body?

Horace: Oh no. They’ll do horrible, horrible things to it. And he’s just gonna lie there and take it.

LaFleur: Because we smoothed things out with the Hostiles, Horace said we could stay on the island a spell. We’d have to leave sometime, but there weren’t no rush, ya’ know? At first, Juliette was a little skeptical, but I straightened her out, if ya’ know what I mean…hehehe…

Miles: LaFleur, we’ve got visitors! You’re gonna want to see this!

LaFleur and Miles jump in The Mystery Machine and head down to the beach, where they’re met with an unexpected surprise.

Hurley: Dudes! Blast from the past, or is that the future? When do we eat?

LaFleur: You know, Miles, I think this may just be mah masterpiece.

Miles: The hell are you talking about, dude?

The return of Chaa-lee?

Apparently, the ABC house is like those commercials where women sitting around talking about how their birth control is making flowers grow out of their lady-parts. In this latest promo we’re given a hint as to what may be coming in Lost’s sixth and final season (only thirty-six months away!). In it, we see Patrick Dempsey, Ed O’Neil, Courtney Cox, and Dominic Monaghan playing foosball, laughing, and just having a good old time. At one point, Patrick looks up at Ed and says, “I thought you were dead.” Dominic leans over to Courtney and whispers, “I was dead once. Didn’t much care for it,” to which Courtney replies, “What’s that from?”

What does it all mean? Is it possible that Charlie isn’t dead and is in fact returning to Lost next season? Is it possible that Lost has turned into one big mindf**k and all bets are off next year? The former, maybe. The latter, definitely. Anyway, may the rumors spread like wildfire.

Some thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy

An out of town wedding kept me from watching the Grey’s finale for a couple of days, but if my Facebook friends’ statuses were any indication, something BIG had happened. Honestly, after slogging through the train wreck that the show had become these past couple of seasons, I was hoping the big surprise would be that the hospital blew up for some mysterious reason and everybody died, and then HBO brought back Deadwood. But alas, it wasn’t meant to be. Anyway, after watching the show and seeing what really happened, I could almost forgive it for its WTF storylines and horrible acting…almost.

A few weeks ago, as I was watching the show’s 100th episode and telling my wife that I really felt I could see the show disappearing up its own a**hole, it hit me. I finally understood why the show was making me grind my teeth in my sleep. It wasn’t necessarily that Izzie was having sex with her dead boyfriend, or that the writers couldn’t do anything that made sense with Callie’s sex life, it was that everybody on this show (with only a few exceptions) is a conceded piece of sh*t. So when Meredith confronts Christina, complaining that she isn’t excited enough about her engagement to Derek, all Christina can do is stare her down and say, “You know what? I broke up with Owen you BI*CH!” Everyone is convinced that their problems outweigh everyone else’s, and will only back down when their friends guilt them into it.

Dr. Robbins: You might not like it when I say that George joining the Army is awesome, but 9/11!

Callie: … I-I’m sorry.

And the problem isn’t only with the main characters. Every episode invariably features some patient who’s had a straw driven through his throat or was kicked in the face by a horse. But it’s never the one patient. It’s them and some hapless bystander who’s been caught up in it all, so when the injured one is rolled out of the ambulance, they’re right behind them, falling out of their gurney and asking if everything’s going to be alright. And of course, whatever’s happened has ruined someone’s big plans. Like the astronaut who was supposed to be on a shuttle flight that night, before the guy she was standing next to at the bus stop was hit by a car and got a hood ornament stuck in his brain.

Astronaut: You don’t understand doctor, I was supposed to go to the moon tonight. It was my chance to… *sniff* … be a star. (cries)

But while every episode of Grey’s Anatomy is guaranteed to have its dips, it also has its rises. Because Dr. Bailey constantly needs to be reminded that she has a good reason for neglecting her son and guaranteeing him a long future in therapy, there’s the token scene in the end of a doctor giving someone good news, and people hugging, then someone smiles and says, “That right there, ladies and gentlemen, is why we do what we do. Now let’s go cut!” and then everybody jumps up and high fives.

Like I said, I was able to forget about most of this after watching the season finale. I mean, wow, huh? Can’t wait for those DVDs. In any case, one thing’s for sure: Kate Walsh should grow her hair long again and gain five pounds… and come back to the show. I’m still not sure why she ran off to LA to work in that sperm bank or whatever the hell it is. But I loves me some Addison.