LOSTWATCH!! (super extended edition) - “All of you have to go back.”

Lost’s stunning season finale picks up right where the last one left off. Jack summons Kate to a secret airport rendezvous to ask if she has any spare change. Nothing? Well, maybe they should head back to the island and check if there’s any there. Kate is furious. How dare he come back after all this time, after all he’s done, hat in hand with an obituary for Jonathan Lockeham and ask her to go back to the island?

Jack looks pathetic and says he thinks he has lice.

In the present, Jack and Sawyer find Hurley taking a wizz in the jungle. Sawyer watches a beat too long and the whole thing is really awkward. Luckily, Locke walks out of the bushes and they’re able to get down to business.

DANGER! looms on the freighter after Desmond finds 500 pounds of C4 ready to blow them all to itty-bits. Jin and Michael take a closer look.

Jin: Rook heah. Whyahs, boom. And heah, boom. Cee-foh, boom.

Desmond scratches his beard and turns to Michael. “Are ‘ye gettin’ any o’this, brutha?”

In the jungle, Kate stumbles out of the brush and into Keamy, who’s brought Ben to the chopper. Kate says she’s being chased by Ben’s people, so Keamy sends Goku and Cocoa Bean to check things out, and that’s when things get awesome. Everything about Keamy screams douchebag, so when he eventually dies you want it to be really satisfying. And satisfying this is. Sayid does a back flip out of the bushes and kicks him in the throat. Then he kills him just to watch him die. In return for helping them out, the Others have agreed to let Kate and Sayid and whoever else leave the island. They’ve all been through a lot together, and their farewell is bittersweet.

Sayid: Hey Ben, you’re awesome.

Ben: You’re awesome.

As everyone leaves, Keamy’s hand twitches. The end? In the future, Hurley gets a visit from a sassy black woman asking if he’s going to do anything crazy. He says that he doesn’t have any drugs, but wait, who is this? It’s WALT! He’s back, but kind of bummed.

Walt: ‘Sup dog. Wish you had come to see. That would have been a slaaaam dunk. Why ya’ll lyin’ about the crash?

Hurley: If we don’t lie, everyone who stayed on the island is DEAD! You got that? DEAD!

Walt: You a stone cold trip, ‘ya heard?

Back on the island, Jack and Locke continue their great, unending b**ch fight over what’s better, science or faith. Ben pops out of one of his secret tunnels and tells Jack there’s a chopper waiting to take him off the island. Jack sweats and John squints, and both will live to fight another day.

On the freighter, Michael suggests they use a tank of liquid nitrogen to freeze the bomb, that way, it won’t blow up until it explodes, and they won’t die until they’re all killed, possibly not until they’re dead. Everyone high-fives and congratulates each other on how innovative they are.

Faraday comes back to the island to pick up more castaways. Juliette thanks him for all the work he’s done. He thinks that maybe he loves her now.

Ben shows Locke the elevator shaft that leads to the Orchid Station. After a few minutes, Locke asks Ben how deep the shaft goes. Ben says it goes deep. Reeeeeeal deep. There are so many Dharma stations, Locke is curious as to what crazy purpose this new one serves. Ben gives him a videotape and we all take a stroll down Exposition Lane. What does the Orchid do? Nobody knows. But the endpoint isn’t really important, it’s how they get there. Anyway, they shouldn’t put metal in the weird transport chamber.

But wait, he’s back! Keamy’s roaming the halls of the Orchid station, trying to lure Ben and Locke out of their hiding places.

Keamy: You cannot hide forever, Ben.

Ben: I will not fight you.

Keamy: Give yourself to the Dark Side. It is the only way you can save your friends. Yes, your thoughts betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for… sister. So, you have a twin sister. Your feelings have now betrayed her too. Obi-Wan was wise to hide her from me. Now his failure is complete. If you will not turn to the Dark Side… perhaps she will!

Ben: NO!

Ben leaps out of the shadows and stabs Keamy in the neck with his lightsaber. When Locke tells him that along with Keamy, he may have killed his friends too, Ben’s voice goes down a few octaves. “Goooood.” With his dying breath, Keamy says that no matter where Ben goes, Widmore will follow him. “Goooood.”

On the beach, Charlotte tells Faraday that she’s decided to stay on the island. When Juliette says she’s also going to hang back, a dejected Faraday skulks off. He knows what this means. From now on, it’s guys only. Why the hell hasn’t he taken off his tie yet?

Oh noes! Jack, Kate and friends are so close to the freighter, but they’re losing fuel fast. Captain Ron yells that they need to get rid of any extra weight. Everyone looks around. Hey, how about that rope! Throw out those canisters! Here, toss out these fuel cans, they’re pretty heavy, with fuel. Alright, that’s it. That’s all the extra weight they could lose. Or is it?

Captain Ron: Hey Hurley, any more weight back there we could lose?

Hurley: No way, dude.

Captain Ron: Um… you sure?

Sawyer hears the call and decides to sacrifice his spot on the chopper so that the others can make it to the freighter. His clothes are pretty heavy, so he loses them first. The he leans over and kisses Kate in a way that makes us unsure who we’d like to trade places with. Then he jumps over the side.

In the future, Future Sayid comes to bust Hurley out of the mental hospital. Outside, there’s a man sitting alone in a car. Like a big, straight-haired cat, Sayid approaches.

Man: Do you have the time?

Sayid: Yes. Time… to die! Wait, that’s no good. It’s death o’clock!

Sayid busts into Hurley’s room and tells him that Jonathan Lockeham is dead and that they need to get somewhere safe. Hurley tells him he’s sees dead people. Before they leave, he looks down at a board game spread out on the table before him.

Hurley: Yahtzee, Abraham Lincoln.

The bomb on the freighter has another five minutes before it explodes. As soon as the chopper lands, they cram it full with the same people who were on it five minutes earlier, including Desmond, Sun and Aaron. They have to leave, NOW! But can they leave without Jin? Jack thinks so, and off they go.

Down below, Michael is alone with the bomb. Suddenly, Christian Shepherd appears to him and says that his entire arc this season was meant to be very anticlimactic. Boom, the bomb explodes and the freighter goes up in flames. On the chopper, Sun freaks out. She screaming and cussing at Jack, who tries calming her down. Who knows, maybe Jin survived. Jin’s head flies up and smashes into the chopper’s windshield. Nope, he’s dead.

In Korea, we see future Sun bump into Charles Widmore. He’s all smiles and handshakes, but Sun gets right down to the nitty-gritty.

Sun: I am a woman with great resources. If we work together, we shall banish the traitors to the Land of Wind and Ghosts. Hai!

What a b***h. It’ll be interesting to see how this one plays out.

In the Orchid, Ben’s stuffed the transporter full of metal, which blows it up somehow. But a big explosion isn’t even the cool part. It’s what’s behind the transporter. Secret tunnels (the island is full of them, don’t you know?) Ben kisses Locke on the mouth. This is goodbye. The Others are waiting to make Locke their new leader. Ben, on the other hand, is meant for a different fate. Look, he tells Locke. I have some real crazy s**t to take care of that nobody’s really going to understand. Why don’t you get out of here? And try not to set the island on fire or anything crazy like that LOL. Locke runs away and Ben crawls down one of the tunnels. What does he find on the other end? A wheel. But not just any wheel, a wheel of fortune. This is it for Ben. He knows that giving the wheel a spin means exiling himself from the island. With tears in his eyes, Ben buys a vowel, spins the wheel and the entire island disappears in a big flash of light.

The castaways on the chopper can’t believe their eyes, the island’s gone! Everyone’s freaked out, but not as much as the chopper, which spins out of control and crashes into the water. Surprisingly, Aaron takes charge of the whole situation. “We’ve got to swim!” he yells, diving out of the wreckage. Jack’s way out of breath, but is able to help everyone into an inflatable raft.

They spend most of their time alone arguing. Hurley can’t believe that Locke was actually able to move the island. No, he didn’t move the island, Jack says. Well then, what’s Jack’s explanation? Well, it wasn’t the island that disppeared, it was the chopper. Hurley hits him. We all knew there was a lot of pent up anger there. Slowly, the seriousness of their situation sinks in. They’re alone, in the middle of the south Pacific, with no one looking for them. What are they going to do?

???: Hello over there!

A boat! But not just any boat, it’s Penny’s boat! Of course, no one is more excited than Desmond to see her. How did she find them, he asks. She gives him the only answer that makes any sense, she followed her heart. True love triumphs in the face of overwhelming odds. It makes me want to puke. Together with Penny, they come up with a plan to get back to civilization, and cover up their entire experience on the island. They don’t want to do it, but who’s going to believe a crap story about a disappearing island? Together, the Oceanic 6 make their way back to civilization.

Years later, drunk Jack uses the powers of alcohol to break into the Hoffs/Drawlar Funeral Parlor. He spends a few minutes stumbling around, knocking things off of shelves before future Ben walks in, all decked out in some slick looking duds. He gives Jack a choice, he can take the blue or the red pill, but once he decides there’s no going back. Jack makes his choice, he’ll go back to the island. Ben tells him it’s not good enough. They all have to come back. It won’t be easy. Kate’s looking hot in someone else’s dress shirts, Aaron just graduated summa cum laude from Harvard, Hurley’s being held in the Baltimore Hospital for the Criminally Insane, Sun is working with Cobra Commander to try and take over the world, and Sayid is busy finishing off Treadstone after his wife, Nadia, was killed in India. Ben smiles. Goooood. Before they leave, Ben looks back to the coffin. The one from last season that set the internets abuzz with theories as to who was inside.

Ben: Have you ever seen Weekend At Bernie’s?

Jack: I’m thirsty.

Ben: Uhhh. Let’s just go.

And we find that the body in the coffin, the mysterious Jonathan Lockeham, is none other than John Locke! Wha? How does that fit into the grand scheme of things? What happened on the island? What does this all me–

Hopefully we all got our fill, because that’s it for the next seven months. With only 34 episodes left, it’s going to be quite a ride until the end. Hopefully you’ve enjoyed LOSTWATCH!! as much as we’ve enjoyed writing it. See you all in February. Sucks, doesn’t it?

LOSTWATCH!! - “We’re going to move the island.”

We hope you enjoyed getting hit upside the head with all that LOST as much as we did last night. So, please enjoy these special finale editions of LOSTWATCH!!

They’ve done it. After four years three months of fighting and struggling and watching their friends die, the Oceanic 6 have made it off the island. They’re on a cargo plane flying to another island in the south Pacific for a big press conference, because nothing is quite as entertaining as the pain and suffering of others. Jack’s giving them a pep-talk before they land.

Jack: Just stick to the story. And remember, rats get the pipe. You feel me?

When they land, their families are all waiting for them. Mr. Paik and his thugs, Jack’s mom who’s appeared out of nowhere (and who must really miss her husband) and Hurley’s stereotypical Mexican mom. Kate and Sayid hang back while everyone ignores them. At the press conference, they’re bombarded with questions: Why does Hurley look so healthy (read fat) after three months on a deserted island? Is it possible others have survived? What the hell was that smoke monster thing? Who was in the coffin? What coffin?

On the island, the castaways are surprised to see the chopper fly overhead. But instead of landing, a package is thrown over the side. It’s the sat-phone. Jack asks Faraday if he can do anything with it. Faraday picks it up and holds it to his forehead.

Faraday: Hmm. Science tells me that they’re headed that way. Maybe you all should check it out and I’ll hold things down here with Charlotte. And maybe we’ll hold one or two more things down, if you catch me.

Jack packs his guts back into his stomach and sets off with Kate to find them. Before long they stumble into Miles and Sawyer. Kate’s shocked to see Sawyer with Aaron. Jack tells Kate to take him back to beach while him and Sawyer head off into the jungle to have a scruffy voice and panting contest. Kate, who’s fallen victim to her throbbing biological urges, is only too happy to. Meanwhile, Sayid has reached the island to ferry all those other castaways no one cares about back to the freighter. When he hears Jack and Sawyer are off chasing the chopper, he and Kate go after them.

In the future, Sun goes to see her father, who spends long days at the office yelling at people. He wasn’t expecting a visit from his daughter.

Mr. Paik: Hahaha! Ignorant donkey-faced woman, why are you not at home, tending to the cooking of foodstuffs and the cleaning of floors?

Sun: This morning I purchased a controlling interest in your company. Now it is you who will respect me.

Mr. Paik: Now it is you who shall feel the wrath of my samurai blade!

Hurley comes home to find his house deserted. He reaches into his waistband and pulls his glock. Before he can take anybody out, surprise! It’s a birthday party! Cheech thought it would be a funny joke to have the party be luau-themed.

Cheech: Hey, you guys thinking about starting a fire or hunting some boar? *snort*

Sayid: Or burying all our friends who died? You ASS.

Jack is finally able to eulogize his dad. After the wake, he’s approached by a woman who claims to be his father’s other woman, and she delivers a shocking revelation! It seems Jack had a half-sister who was also on Flight 815. What was her name? Clea. Cleo? No, Clee-ah. Clive? No, Klee-aaah-air. Ohh. Claire.

After Sayid took off into the jungle, Faraday helped bring the extras back to the freighter. Sun and Jin were in the first batch. Once they’re there, they find a face they never expected to see again. Michael. Sun asks if he’s working for Ben.

Michael: Nah, man. I’m like, no. I’m not working for, ‘ole, whatsisface.

Before things can get too awkward, Desmond runs out and says that there’s a bomb hooked up to the freighter’s engines. Jin tells Sun to tell their daughter that her father loved her very much. That’s a little cryptic, but what could possibly go wrong, right?

Locke, Ben and Hurley have reached the Orchid. They’re hiding from the freighter folk, who are already swarming the place. Ben, always the man with plan, give Locke instructions. He needs to walk straight ahead twenty paces, turn right, head for the fifth elevator, in case it doesn’t work, take the third or the sixth, but NOT the first. Go down three levels, stop, go out fifty paces, take the second left into the science lab, activate the monitors and the teleportation pad, the instruction manuals are in the third drawer. It’d be good to try everything on one of those numbered bunnies first, but if they’re all dead because no one’s been around to feed them for the past five years it’s not the end of the— ah s**t, Keamy found them.

Holy crap isn’t this exciting! Stay tuned for the stunning conclusion!

LOSTWATCH!! - “I’m not making any sense, am I?”

We begin in 1955, with Emily Locke swinging and hand-jiving all over her bedroom. When her mom walks in and asks her what she’s doing, Emily says that she’s going out with HIM, and that they’ll probably spend the entire night in an opium den fornicating each other. Upset, her mom chases her out into the rain, where Emily is promptly mowed down by a Buick, made by patriotic Americans in the good ole’ U.S. of A. Even though cars in he fifties were made of cast iron and bricks, Emily escapes with only a few cuts and bruises and a baby. Whaaaaa??

Flash forward. In the jungle, comical antics ensue as Locke, Ben and Hurley just can’t seem to find Jacob’s cabin. “Hey, I was following you!” “Well if you’re in front, and we’re following from behind–” “But I thought you… oh boy!” Ben pokes Hurley’s eyes who slaps Locke’s bald head.

Keamy and the rest of the Joes make it back to the freighter, albeit a little worse for wear. When the doc asks what happened to a member of their team, Keamy says that Lostzilla attacked them and ripped his guts out, then he puts a gun to his head and tells him to put his guts back in. When Captain House comes on deck, Keamy puts a gun to his head and asks if it was him who sold out their team to Ben.

House: You’re obviously suffering from some sort of delusional parasitosis.

Then he twirls his cane and pops a vicodin. He takes Keamy down to see Michael. When Keamy puts a gun to his head, Michael says, “I was just trying to help mah boy.” Sayid uses this opportunity to steal a boat and head back to the island.

In the jungle, Locke wakes up to the sound of someone chopping wood. Exploring a little bit, he finds Horace, the hippy-dippy guy who welcomed Ben to the island right after he graduated from Hogwarts.

Horace: You got to find me Lock–ah dammit I’m bleeding.

Locke leads Ben and Hurley to the mass grave where Ben dumped all the Dharma folks, including his Uncle Rico, who Ben killed after Rico threw a steak in his face. Locke jumps into the pile of rotting corpses like it ain’t no thang and rummages around until he finds a treasure map marking the location of Jacob’s cabin.

In his flashbacks, we find that Locke is some sort of wunderkind who’s been watched his entire life by the likes of Richard Alpert and Desmond Mobay. Alpert, because he thinks Locke may be their next leader. He visits a nine-year-old Locke, and spreads a few things out on the table in front of him. Included are a knife, a Playboy magazine, a Bible, a pack of cigarettes, a ottle of Crown Royale, and some fireworks. Alpert asks Little Johnny Locke which of these things belong to him. His answer is a little depressing.

Little Johnny Locke: I like tohtles.

Desmond Mobay, because he’s needs Locke’s help after killing an undercover cop.

Locke: Look, I just want to go back to my room.

Mobay: Locke mon, ‘ya gotta get me in good wid de bad’guys, ‘yafeelmee brudda?

Finally, our heroes find Jacob’s cabin. When Locke goes inside, he finds Jacob who promptly answers all his questions about the island. Oh wait, that never happened. Jacob’s cabin is under new management, namely Christian Shephard and Claire, who’s just happy that she finally has something to do. Locke gets right to the point.

Locke: How do we get our hands on more of that ranch dressing Hurley likes so much?

Christian tells Locke that he’s an idiot. When he finally emerges from the cabin, Ben can hardly contain himself. “Did he tell you what we’re supposed to do?” he asks.

Locke: He did.

Ben: Well?

Locke: He wants us to move the island.

Ben/Hurley: Here we go again!

Almost done! Be back tomorrow for this season’s exciting conclusion!

LOSTWATCH!! - “You’re not even related to him!”

Jack was up all night drinking, and now he’s stumbling around making a fool of himself in front of everyone. Juliette tries calming him down, but it’s no use. He pushes her off and tries to catch his breath.

Jack: Jussasecon, jussasecon… Guys… umm, you know, like, we’re gonna get off the island. ‘Cause, I love you guys so much… an-and… *cries*

Juliette puts him to bed. She tells Kate that he’s had a lot to drink and that they might need to remove his liver. Kate tells her that it’s his appendix that needs to be removed, and that she’s an idiot and should stick to pediatrics.

In the future (!) Jack’s walking around naked in his big, expensive house. He checks himself out in a mirror and towels off his love-handles before jumping in the shower with Kate (yes!). Later, Kate walks around looking hot in one of Jack’s doctor shirts. Then they make out. I’m sure we all have jobs as fulfilling as Matthew Fox’s.

On the beach, Bernard is getting ready to throw down on Faraday and Charlotte. Faraday says that all they ever wanted was to help, but Charlotte tells him not waste his breath.

Charlotte: It’s pointless Daniel. We’ve been tried and convicted in the court of public opinion. *snicker*

Daniel: Charlotte, why don’t you just shut the f**k up, ‘kay?

Juliette breaks things up and tells everyone that Jack needs his appendix removed. Kate throws up her hands and walks away. Juliette says she’s going to need someone to go to the medical station to get a few supplies. Eager to show what a great guy he is, Faraday says that he and Charlotte will go. Juliette likes the cut of his jib, but doesn’t know if she can trust him. She hands Jin her gun and says to put them down if they try anything funny. Jin takes a look at the gun and says it’s the coolest ninja star he’s ever seen.

Jin and friends head off to the medical station and Juliette gives Jack a sponge bath. “You know what would be awesome?” he asks. “If you were Kate. Hey, have you ever performed an appendectomy?” “Sure I have,” Juliette answers. Jack winces. “Then why are you shaving those?”

In the future (!), Jack gets a call from the FBI’s Behavioral Science Unit and asked if he could give a little insight on a case they’ve been working. Jack agrees and heads over to the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane. Inside, a kindly old guard tells him, “Past the others. It’s the last cell. Stay to the middle. I put out a chair for you.” As Jack reaches the end of the hallway, he’s waiting for him. Like he knew he was coming.

Jack: Dr. Lecter.

Lecter: You’re worried, Jack. Worried that you’ve made the wrong choice. Worried that you’ve let down those who depend on you the most. It haunts you, Jack. I myself am also haunted. Our old friend, Charlie. He gave me a message, for you. Before the night is over, you will be visited by three ghosts.

Jack: Humbug!

Jack runs home and proposes to Kate, and man, it’s just awesome. Because, they’re so great, and just… man I wish I were on Lost!

At the medical station, Sun looks a little upset. When Jin asks her what’s the matter, she tells him that the baby’s kicking. Jin’s surprised. “You’re pregnant? What do you weigh, like fifty pounds?” After they get back to the beach, he corners Charlotte.

Jin: Now you risten, and risten good. I break all you finga — LOL I’m sorry I couldn’t resist. But seriously, you get Sun off this island, or I’m gonna f**k you up.

Charlotte: Could my forehead get any bigger?

Jin: What?

Juliette starts operating. “This is just like MASH,” she says. “I’m Hawkeye. Bernard, you’re Alan Alda. Jin’s Charlie. Get it?” Bernard looks over at her. “You know everybody hates you, right?”

Back at the hospital, where the only prerequisite to working there is that you look good in a white lab coat, Jack’s studying an x-ray when he hears a strange noise outside his office. Slowly, he creeps into the lobby. That’s when he sees him.

Jack: Wilfred Brimley?

One of Jack’s attractive doctor friends sneaks up on him. She asks if he’s feeling alright. Jack tells her that he’s totally cool, but wonders if she’d write him a prescription for cocaine. “Oh yeah, man. No worries.” She pulls out her doctor pad and scribbles something. They stand there for a minute. “Hey,” Jack asks. “How do you think I’d look in a beard?”

Kate walks in on Juliette and an unconscious Jack in the hospital tent. Juliette jumps up and hides something.

Juliette: Oh dammit! Kate. You scared the bejeezus out of me.

Kate: Juliette, what were you doing?

Juliette: What? Nothing. What? Jack said he loves you. I gotta go.

In the future (!), Kate comes home to find Jack asleep at his desk. He snaps awake and asks her where she’s been. When she won’t tell him, he chases her around and throws bowling balls at her.

Kate: Jack, I can’t have you acting like this around my son!

Jack: Kate, he’s just an orphan from a basket in the middle of the desert! Just a bastard in a basket!

As Kate picks up Aaron and storms off, their butler comes in.

Butler: Mr. Jack?

Jack: I’m finished!

**LOSTWATCH!! will return in three weeks (ZOMG *dies*). The wife and I are headed to Europe, and I hear they don’t even have TV over there!

LOSTWATCH!! (extended edition) - “He changed the rules.”

And we’re back! Last night we saw Indiana Linus and his ethnic friend Short Round on a dangerous trek through the sun-drenched Sahara Desert. Suddenly, they’re confronted by two nasty-looking Bedouin. Slowly reaching behind him, Ben asks, “What’s your favorite song? Mine’s ‘Whip It’!” In a flash he uncoils his whip (pun) and whips his two would-be attackers. One of their heads pops right off. The other yells, “It’s 1935! I don’t get that reference!”

Short Round: Haha Dakka Ben! You may doze bah’men pay!

Ben: That’s right, kid. Let’s get out of here.

They both ride off on horses.

On the island, Kate spies Jack out of the corner of her eye and nonchalantly shows off a little extra skin, because if a girl’s got it, she has to flaunt it. Jack’s even more out of breath than usual and doesn’t notice. Kate follows him inside a tent, where’s he rummaging through their remaining store of precious medicine.

Kate: Jack, is the helicopter ever coming back? Oops, my shirt fell off.

Their tryst is short-lived, because Bernard’s found a dead body in the water. It’s Doctor Ray, from the freighter. Daniel would love to call the freighter and get some answers, if only the sat phone were working.

Back in New Otherton, Locke, Sawyer and Hurley are under vicious attack, right? No! They’re just sittin’ around, playing a game of Monopoly. Locke smiles and says, “You sunk my battleship!” Sawyer pats him on the head and tells Hurley that grandpa needs his meds upped. Suddenly, the phone rings. When they pick it up, a computerized voice asks if they’d be interested in long-distance savings. Locke nods and answers, “Yes. Very interested.”

The Losties find Ben playing the piano. When they ask him what the crazy phone call was all about, he goes totally batsh*t. “WHAT?!” he screams. He jumps up and starts barricading the doors. “Sawyer, take this shotgun! Locke, there’s a C90-CR-BK rocket launcher inside the piano! Hurley, Aaron’s dead weight. You’ll have to eat him.” Sawyer needs someone to love and with Kate in Camp Jack, he runs off to rescue Claire.

The Tremors begin their attack on the camp, running out of the bushes with flares in their hands. An unsuspecting castaway is shot. “Hey!” another castaway yells before being shot. “Wha?” another castaway yells before being shot. “I’m shot!” another castaway yells before being shot.

Things are blowing up, unsuspecting castaways are being shot, and there’s Jeeves Tremor, holding a gun to Alex’s head. Ben tries to play it cool and is all like, “Whatevs,” until Jeeves really shoots her, then his big old bug eyes pop right the hell out of his head. Ben calls down the thunder. Lostzilla roars through the jungle and falls on the freighter folk, who are super freaked once they realize their guns can’t shoot clouds.

Once the excitement has died down, Ben tells Locke that they need to find Jacob. Sawyer’s fed up and says he and Claire are heading back to the beach. A fight breaks out over who gets custody of Hurley, and before you know it everyone has a gun pointed at someone’s head. Locke is like, “Hey!” and Sawyer is like, “Hey yourself!” and Mr. Orange is like, “He f**king shot me, Larry!” In the end, Hurley goes with Locke and Ben.

On the island, Faraday has concocted a plan to get the satellite phone working again. He says that at exactly 10:04 pm, lightning will strike the clock tower, providing the 1.21 gigawatt charge they need to recharge the phone. A moment later they answer back.

Jack: Are they coming for us?

Daniel: Hey, relax guy. Look over there.

Angry and out of breath, Jack grabs Daniel by that chicken neck of his and tells him he doesn’t want to see him when he gets angry.

Ben’s travels have led him to a dark hotel room. As he creeps inside, he whispers, “Charles?” A moment later…

Charles: Hello, old friend.

Ben: Quid pro quo, Charles. You killed my daughter, now I’m going to kill yours.

Charles: I feel nothing but pity for anyone who goes to that school looking for trouble.

Ben: Wait… What?

It’s the wrong Charles. Ben apologizes and leaves.

Next week: The race is on for who will control the island. Be there as the Queen herself throws the checkered flag!

LOSTWATCH!! - “Meet Kevin Johnson.”

Lost fans were blindsided tonight, as it was FINALLY revealed that Ben’s mysterious informant on the freighter was in fact Michael, the punk who sold out his friends to escape the island, but not before shooting both Libby, who we loved, and Anna Lucia, who we immediately forgave him for. Ben told Michael that if he followed an exact compass heading, he’d eventually find America. The exact details of that fateful trip are still unknown. All we see is the aftermath inside…

… the name on the street for the Oswald State Correctional Facility.

Lies. Regret. Michael lies in his cell asking himself how he got to this point. He’s let down his friends, but more importantly, his family. Now Walt’s joined the Homeboys and won’t talk to him. Michael goes to McManus and asks if he can visit his son in the Hole. McManus tells him that he’s tired of his crap, but that he hasn’t given up on him yet, and no, he can’t visit Walt. As Michael leaves, he takes one last look back, and can just spy his son watching him. Malcolm David Kelly’s age has gotten to be a problem in recent years, but at least it can’t get any worse.

Michael’s about to hit the gym with Beecher when McManus tells him he’s got a visitor. It’s Tom, who’s uncharacteristically light in the loafers.

Michael: You! What do you want?

Tom: Oh hey Tom, how are you? How’sth the island? Oh great Michael, thanksth.

Michael: How did you find me?

Tom: LOL. We let you go sthilly-buns. Did you seriously think we wouldn’t be keeping tabsth? ^__^

Tom tells Michael about the fake Flight 815 wreckage and says that he’s got one chance at getting out of Oz alive. Infiltrate Charles Widmore’s boat, which is getting ready to set sail for Lost island. Michael agrees, but he doesn’t like it. Tom stages a prison riot and Michael escapes through one of Busmalis’s tunnels. When we see him again he’s no longer Michael Dawson but mild-mannered deckhand Kevin Johnson. When he gets to the freighter, Naomi tells him he’s got a package the lads have just unloaded off the lorrie. It’s from Tom. “Wait a day or two before opening it,” he says. “Until then, enjoy Fiji. I spent a week there one night, if you catch me.” When Michael finally opens the package he finds enough C4 to kill everyone on the ship ten times before they hit the ground. He takes the bomb down to the engine room, sets it up, and…

Ever since Oz, Michael’s been so wound up. This was Tom’s way of telling him to relax. He’s on a boat in the middle of the south Pacific, for Heaven’s sake. He should enjoy himself. Michael laughs and decides to hit the shuffleboard court. He goes up top, where he finds the Tremor brothers shooting things with semi-automatic weapons.

Michael: Hey fellas, I thought this was a rescue mission.

Jeeves: Don’t you have something to mop?

Michael: What?! I ain’t your damn field ******. You lucky ’cause I’m gonna let that one slide.

Fast-forward to the engine room, where Micheal has been telling this entire story to Sayid and Desmond. Sayid is royally pissed and drags Michael by the scruff of his neck up to House’s office, where he tells the doc that “Kevin Johnson” isn’t “Kevin Johnson” at all! He’s Michael Johns– I mean Dawson! Michael just stands there all like, “Dude, shhhut up.” House sits back and twirls his cane before saying, “Intracranial berry aneurysm.” Sayid doesn’t understand. “It’s what killed Minkowski.” House pops a vicodin then heads over to Cuddy’s office.

Back on the island, John calls a Family Council and tells the kids that he’s sorry he’s been so crazy at work lately, and that no, he and their mother aren’t getting a divorce. Ben uses this opportunity to tell Alex that people are coming to the island and everyone is going to die, and because she’s his daughter, she’s sure to suffer more than anyone else. He tells her to take Carl and go to the Temple, which is right next to Space Mountain inside Tomorrowland. She’ll be safe there. Rousseau is cool with it, but asks if there will be any time to stop and build traps.

On their way, they stop at a concession stand to buy a funnel cake. Carl tells Alex, “Look babe, don’t ever forget — brrbbbllleb!” just as a bullet rips right through his neck, tearing it apart just like a stick of butter would be ripped apart by a bullet. Rousseau looks up from her trap and yells, “It’s a trap!” before being shot herself. With her last breath, she tells Alex to run as fast as she can, to which Alex replies, “I surrender!”

And before we knew it, it was over. Five weeks until the next new episode. It sucks, but is still better than the seven months we’ll have to wait before the start of season 5. We’re down, but not out, so stay tuned to this space for more new (and maybe not so new, *wink*) editions of LOSTWATCH!!.

PANDAWATCH!! - “I need another panda.”

“We now go to Brian Fantana, with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian.”

Pandawatch! Moods are tense as Lost fans everywhere begin the slow recovery process from one of the biggest mindf***s in the show’s impressive twenty year run. Jin, dead somehow. Sun, dating Hurley. We’ve seen flashbacks and we’ve seen flashforwards, but never before have we been so thoroughly and painfully double-teamed. One has to wonder, did Hurley kill Jin in an attempt to steal his wife? Is Hurley really the father of Sun’s newborn daughter? Is Jin one of the Oceanic Six? Why am I still so confused? Thanks for nothing, Lost jerks!

“Great story, Brian. Compelling, and rich.”

And now, LOSTWATCH!!

On the freighter, Desmond and Sayid have been left to rot inside their room, passing the time any way they can.

Sayid: Okay, if you were trapped on a desert island–

Desmond: Shut up.

After a few days, Dr. Ray tells them the captain wants to see them. Just who is the captain, you ask? None other than House MD. He pulls his usual tricks, but is more forthcoming than you’d think.

Desmond: Who’s boot is this, brutha?

House: It belongs to one Charles Widmore. Don’t worry, he didn’t come out here looking for you. Now get over to Minkowski’s house and see if you can find anything strange under his sink or in the toolshed out back.

House twirls his cane and passes out from taking too many Vicodin. A nice enough fellow perhaps, but Sayid and Desmond are still unsure what to think, because of a mysterious note that was passed to them during homeroom.

Dr. Ray takes them to their room, and this is where things get awesome. We’ve been waiting for weeks to find out who Ben’s man on the boat is. Fans everywhere had their theories. Subtle hints were dropped. Those who listen to the Official LOST Podcast knew that this week we’d finally get answers. Dr. Ray shows Sayid and Desmond their room, which looks like something out of Silent Hill. Noticing a big, disgusting blood stain on the wall, he calls for a lone figure mopping the floor at the far end of the hallway.

Ray: Hey Dawson, I mean, Johnson, get over here. Clean up all this blood that’s mysteriously smeared around for some reason.

Michael: Oh, right away massah. I clean it up right nice fo’yuh.

Ray: Well, I didn’t mean–

Michael: I know what you meant. Get the hell out of my face, stupid cracker. I’m goin’ up top.

Unfortunately, the identity of Ben’s spy remains unknown. As does almost everything else about the freighter.

Back on the island, since nobody’s being shot at or chased or beaten, the castaways are catching up on some much needed R&R. All except Sun and Jin, that is. With the possibility of rescue becoming more and more unlikely, they’ve decided to defect to Locke’s camp on Snake Mountain. Juliet, who just wants everyone to like her, will have none of it. She begs and pleads with Sun to stay, telling her that if she leaves, her and her unborn child won’t survive. Sun tells Juliette to get bent, and that she could never make Jack as happy as Kate could. To get back at her, Juliette tells Jin about the time Sun was totally schlepping around behind his back, and Sun is all standing there, and Juliette is like, “That’s how I roll.” And right then, Bernard runs into the middle of things and says, “Hey Sun, I overheard something about you cheating… on… Jin…? Oooooh, sorryyyy.” Of course, Jin is a better man than I am and totally forgives her, lending credence to the theory that Asian people are better than everyone.

Man, we sure did have some fun this episode, didn’t we? Yeah, we did. So let’s ruin it all in the last five minutes. Sun, her new daughter, and Hurley go to a cemetery to visit who? Jin. Who’s dead. Not really sure what happened after that, because I couldn’t hear the TV over my crying. Why did Jin have to die? Will Sun recover? Will I recover? Will Hurley have to wait long before putting the moves on Sun? Dry your eyes, and join us next week for LOSTWATCH!!

LOSTWATCH!! - “Tales of Ribaldry”

Hello, and welcome to Tales of Ribaldry! I’m your host, Evelyn Quince. Tonight, we have a particularly randy tale of a philandering chemical engineer who finds himself under the care of a wanton fertility doctor. Will she use her powders and elixirs to restore his health? Methinks he may require medicine of a different sort! Let’s watch!

Juliette: Oh excuse me! Excuse me! Sir?

Goodwin: Hello doctor. Apologies. I thought I was alone.

Juliette: Oh my, you’ve hurt yourself. Look. Your arm is red and swollen.

Goodwin: I must be in need of medical attention. I’m beginning to notice another swelling of the extremities as we speak.

Juliette: Oh my!

Oooh! I’m blushing like a schoolgirl! Imagine, the doctor, isolated and alone on a mysterious island. Desperate for affection, she turns to the able-bodied chemical engineer. Will they set out to solve the island’s mysteries together, or will they be content investigating the mysteries of the flesh? Such passion! Such excitement! Such delightful debauchery!

Juliette: Oh Goodwin, won’t you join me for a swim?

Goodwin: In a moment, love. Come. Have a glass of wine.

Juliette: Ahh, the perfect day! Made all the more perfect by the absence of your wife! Haha!

Goodwin: Haha!

Such delicious infidelity! But this episode does beg the question, where, pray tell, is the engineer’s therapist wife? Out making house calls while her husband undergoes therapy of another sort? Oh the rrribaldry is almost too much to bear!

Harper: I know what you’ve done, Juliette! Sleeping with my husband like some common trollop!

Juliette: Why so surprised? Rather than go wanting, your husband sought satisfaction with me! ‘Twas no fault of my own.

Harper: Harlot!

Rrrreeeeeerrrrrrr! Hssssss! Of course, the most ribald tales involve not only another woman, but another man as well. Slighted by his friend, he pines for his love, and plots his revenge! Deliciously dangerous? Indeeed!

Ben: You are mine, Juliette! You belong to me!

Juliette: Wrong Benjamin. I am a woman, and belong to no man. Besides, I belong to Goodwin!

Ben: I’m afraid your tawdry affair with the late Master Goodwin is quite at an end.

Juliette: The late Goodwin? What do you mean?

Ben: Don’t you know? He was run through… by my own sword!

What? This won’t do at all. Our bawdy tale has been transformed into one of murder and villainy! Hmmph! No matter. Join me next week when our tale will be that of Desmond Hume and the Nobelman’s Daughter. The Scotsman’s erotic adventure definitely proves that old Scottish dictum, ‘empty barrels make the most noise’! How delightfully suggestive! I can hardly wait! Until then, I’m Evelyn Quince. Goodbye everybody, goodbye!

LOSTWATCH!! - “Why does he think it’s 1996?”

We catch up with Desmond and Sayid tonight, who have been flying around the Pacific for two weeks looking for the boaties’ freighter. On their way, a wicked storm brews up. With lightning flashing all around them, Captain Ron figures the safe thing to do is to “ride the snake, man” all the way to the boat. He’s wrong though. There’s a flash of lightning, and Desmond quantum leaps eight years in the past, during his stint with the Royal Scots. When he leaps back, he’s lost all memory of where and who he is. Although he still remembers who he is. Captain Ron is barely able to wrestle the helicopter back onto the freighter’s helipad. They’re met by the guy from Smokin’ Aces, who gets Desmond to stop screaming long enough to convince him that he needs to be locked in the sickbay. During all this, Desmond keeps leaping back to his army days. His bush-league behavior is really pissing off the sarge, who asks Desmond what his major malfunction is.

On the island, Jack and Juliette pay a visit to Daniel and Charlotte. Jack, out of breath, demands to know why they haven’t heard from Sayid and Desmond, who’ve been gone, like, forever. Daniel and Charlotte exchange awkward glances. Daniel kicks some sand around, then alludes cryptically to some… thing, that may or may not be coming to kill them all. Charlotte is all, like, “Shhhh!” and Daniel tells her not to boss him. He tells Jack that the way people experience time on the island may not be the way people experience time off the island. He says that if Cap’n Ron didn’t follow the exact bearing out that they flew in on, the people on the helicopter could suffer “horrible side effects,” but that he shouldn’t worry about all the secrets they’re keeping. I mean, look at this island. Beautiful, right? Why worry about anything? Jack and Juliette agree, then go off and enjoy each other’s company somewhere.

Sayid and Desmond, on the other hand, aren’t happy to take all this sitting down. Sayid gets Captain Ron to lend him his iPhone under penalty of torture and calls Faraday on the island. After Desmond explains his time jumps, Daniel tells him to travel to Oxford University and find his younger self, who will be able to help somehow. Desmond instead travels to Hogwarts, but finds Daniel anyway. He introduces himself as a visitor from the World of Tomorrow! Daniel doesn’t believe a word of it and storms off, telling Desmond, “Beat it kid. I’m working here.” Desmond expected as much, and so tells past-Daniel a personal story future-Daniel said to use if his past-self didn’t believe him. Daniel was hanging a clock over his toilet. He slipped, hit his head on the sink, and when he woke up drew the first plans for the flux capacitor, which is what makes time travel possible. Daniel is stunned, and quickly agrees to help Desmond get his parents back together at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance.

Faraday takes Desmond to his office and shows him a time machine he’s built out of an industrial blow-dryer. He says that he hasn’t actually sent anything back through time yet, but that PETA is bringing him up on ethics charges. Although his time machine doesn’t really work, he had a feeling that if it did, there’s a teensy possibility that Desmond could die if he travels back and forth too much. To prevent spontaneous death, Desmond needs a “constant”, something familiar in the past and the future that will anchor him down, whatever that means. It’s Lost, and even though it doesn’t always make sense we love it and will follow it straight into the gaping jaws of Hell, so we’ll forgive it it’s flaws.

Desmond realizes the only thing familiar to him in both the past and the future is Penny. In the past, Penny is still hurting from their break-up and Desmond has to go into stalker-mode trying to track her down. He finds her father at an auction, bidding on the diary from one of the officers of the Black Pearl Rock. He gives Desmond Penny’s new address and doesn’t even act like a dick or anything. No one’s paying attention to any of this because we’re all talking about the Black Rock. When Desmond finally finds Penny, she ain’t having none of that and almost slams the door in his face. Desmond begs her for her phone number, saying that he’ll call her in exactly eight years. Penny finally gives it to him, but the emotion is just too much for her.

Back on the freighter, Bobcat Goldthwait, the ship’s communications officer and another leaper, has also been trapped in sickbay. He convinces Desmond and Sayid to untie him before they make their escape. They’ll find the captain, steal his hat, and whomp him good! Sayid says he’d rather go the communications room. Bobcat says it’s all good in the hood, as long as he’s untied. They make it to the communications room just in time for Bobcat to die. Sayid can’t be bothered with any of that though. The ship’s radio system is all busted to Hell and he’s busy jerry-rigging a phone from tin cans and coconuts. It all works somehow and Desmond is able to call Penny, exactly eight years later. Penny tells Desmond that his phone call truly is a Christmas miracle. They tell each other that they’ll never ever let anything separate them, ever. Right before the coconut phone dies, Desmond remembers that he’s stuck on Mystery Island in the fifth dimension and if his chronic time-traveling doesn’t kill him, some other crazy-ass thing probably will. S**t.

On the island, Faraday is looking through an old journal. He flips to an entry that reads, “Find the jade monkey before the next full moon.” Then he flips to another one that says, “If anything go wrong, Desmond Hume will be my constant.” It’s possible that this is some veiled homosexual reference. It’s all a rich tapestry, and we’ll be on the edge of our seats until next week’s episode, and next week’s LOSTWATCH!!.

LOSTWATCH!! - “Only eight of us survived.”

Tonight’s episode starts off in New Otherton. Locke has thrown in the towel with all his mystical Jacob’s cabin mumbo jumbo and opened up a bed and breakfast. Satisfied with this new direction his life has taken, he makes Ben an omelet. Ben, on the other hand, is none too pleased. He throws John’s omelet against the wall and tells him he wants a ham sammich. John has a few questions about the island, which Ben refuses to answer. Surprisingly, not all of the island’s secrets were revealed tonight.

Later, Kate comes to Locke and asks to see Miles, who Locke has “locke”d up in a chicken coop. Locke tells her that it’s the dawning of a new age and declares himself High Chancellor of New Otherton. But hope is not lost. Kate is able to trick Hurley into revealing where Miles is hidden. Hurley tells Kate that she “Scooby-Doo’ed” him. Not exactly sure what that means, but it sounds sexual.

In tonight’s flash-forward, we see that Kate has finally been called to account for all that stuff she did before the crash. This is where the story gets crazy. In a surprising twist, Kate tells her lawyer that she doesn’t want her son in the courtroom. This begs the question, just who is Kate’s lawyer? Fret not though, because the surprise her lawyer has up his sleeve is better than ten Super Bowls! In a surprising twist, he calls future-Jack to the stand as a character witness. Jack goes on to recount what happened that fateful day in September 2004. Oceanic flight 815 crashed in the ocean? Only eight of them survived? Kate rescued Jack and nursed him back to health? Jack doesn’t love Kate? What is this? All will be explained later, in a surprising twist.

Kate talks to Miles, who says he’ll answer all of her questions if she’ll get him a minute of face time with Ben. Kate agrees, and gets Sawyer to distract Locke with a game Dance Dance Revolution. Miles tells Ben that the people he works for really want to find him. Like, they really REALLY want to find him. Miles is willing to tell them that one Benjamin Linus died if he will agree to give him a million-bajillion dollars. Ben squints through the one eye that isn’t swollen and is like, “Dude, WTF?” but ultimately agrees. Once Locke finds out what Kate has done, he votes her off the island, using his inherit powers as High Chancellor.

Back on the beach, Daniel and Charlotte are playing Three-card Monte. Daniel can’t remember the cards Charlotte has laid down, and this is distressing for some reason. Jack and Juliette come up, and after Jack catches his breath, he asks why he can’t get in touch with anyone on their boat. Charlotte calls an emergency number to ask about Sayid and Desmond. Regina (their confederate on the boat) says they never showed up! Will the craziness ever stop? The show has to end sometime, I guess.

Miles, safely tied back up, is paid a visit by Locke. He’s pretty pissed that there are all these people walking around not answering any of his questions. He shoves a grenade in Miles’ mouth, says “C’est la vie, beetches,” and takes off. Miles mumbles incoherently.

In the future, Kate’s lawyer is able to strike a deal and get her off with only a slap on the wrist, showing the inherent flaws in the US legal system. On her way out of the courthouse she’s met by Jack. He tells her that he loves her, that he’s always loved her, and that she makes him a complete person. Kate’s only interested if Jack can settle down and be a good baby’s daddy. Jack, in typical make fashion, tells Kate that he has this thing he has to go to, but he has her e-mail address, and that he’ll shoot her a line sometime this weekend. Kate gets in a cab and takes off.

On the island, things are gett