5 Things We Love About Movies With Guns - The Matrix

Walking out of this movie, all the way back in 1997, I thought it would be a real funny prank to drop-kick my brother in the nuts and yell, “I know kung-fu!” He was none too pleased, as are his as-yet unborn children (sorry bro). This week, we take a look at…

1. Trinity.

What is it about a woman in leather that gives me hot pants? Trinity had me hoping she’d take the red pill, as in THE MORNING AFTER! ZOMGROFL!!1! …uuuhhhh. I’m sorry.

2. The clothes.

Morpheus showed us that you could beat the hell out of whoever you came up against, and look good doing it. Well, at least you could look good. He got his ass pretty well handed to him.

3. Joe Pantoliano.

We all enjoyed watching this guy, who for some reason, looks a lot like Jackie Earle Haley. In the movie’s final cut, he meets his end after Marcus Chong shoots a lightning bolt into his chest. There was a scene that got scrapped, however, where Cypher kills Tony Soprano’s horse and Chrissy cuts his head off. Good stuff.

4. “I know kung-fu.”

The Matrix is like the ultimate bit-torrent engine. So what would your Matrix powers be? I’ve got mine narrowed down to Drunken Boxing, Robot Boxing, doing the robot, doing the dew and keeping it real. And my Matrix name is Sandra Day O’Connor.

5. The Almighty Power of HACK.

How do you hack a computer? What about a system as complex as the Matrix? We’re not completely sure, but we do know a few things. First, you need like ten computer screens. This way you can look at, like, all the symbols and stuff. Then you need like twenty keyboards so you can hack everything at once. And make sure your OS shows everything in weird symbols that don’t do anything when you type in commands. And make sure you have a good place to take cover when the Internet explodes.

That’s all for this week. Will I get my act together and keep these things more regular? Tune in next week to find out!

5 Things We Love About Movies With Guns - The Fifth Element

This week, we take a look at the best science fiction movie Bruce Willis ever starred in, in his long, illustrious history of starring in big-budget sci-fi movies.

1. The future.

As long as my lunch is delivered by old Oriental guys in flying boats, the people at McDonald’s wear styrofoam uniforms and Deebo from Friday is President of the Galaxy, count me in.

2. “Leeloo Dallas multi-pass.”

“Yeah multi-pass, she knows it’s a multi-pass. Leeloo Dallas. My wife. We’re newlyweds. We just met. You know how it is, we bump into each other, sparks happen, yeah she knows it’s a multi-pass! Anyway, we’re in love.”

3. Hot alien women with crap coming out of their heads.

And this doesn’t just go for The Fifth Element. How many times have all you sci-fi nerds seen Deanna Troi dressed up as a Romulan or that chick with the three boobs in Total Recall and said to yourselves, “Yeah I could get with that.” Degenerates. All of you. But yeah I could get with that too.

4. Getting this from this.

Truly we live in an age of wonder when we can take a burnt piece of broken off hand, put it in a microwave and get Milla Jovovich. Like a big, sexy thing of Jiffy Pop.

5. Ruby Rhod.

How does he get his hair to do that? Ruby almost makes me want to say, screw the joke, let’s just quote stuff. But we’ll give it a shot anyway. He’s probably the only guy I know who could wear that leopard-print jumpsuit and still look straight– well… no I guess he was pretty gay. Forget it…

“This boy is hotter than hot. He’s hot-HOT!! The right size, right build, right hair, right on! Right on, right on!”

That’s all for this week! Remember to send suggestions to move.it.move@gmail.com.

Daddy horny Michael, pt. 2

It looks like the possibility of an Arrested Development movie just moved from the, “I’m pretty sure,” to the, “It’s a go!” phase. Entertainment Weekly caught up with Jeffrey Tambor at the premier of Hellboy 2 this weekend, who had this to say…

“After months of speculation, I think we have finally figured out for sure that we are indeed doing an Arrested Development movie. I am very excited about that. I love the cast and crew and felt like we had more to say.”

Hopefully we’ll get an official greenlight from the studio before too long. But right now, things are looking up. So, we can all breath a little easier. Our long, national nightmare is almost over.

5 Things We Love About Movies With Guns - Man On Fire

It’s a rare case when we get a movie that was more interesting than the book it was based off of, but that’s exactly what we got with…

Denzel Washington is a washed-up soldier. Dakota Fanning is the little girl that finally forces her way… into his heart. Along the way, lots of people get killed. Let’s take a look!

1. Mexico City.

Maybe Mexico City doesn’t belong on a list of things we love, because it’s obviously the most dangerous city in the entire world (well, maybe behind Bahgdad. MAYBE.). You go outside, you get kidnapped. And probably have your ear cut off. After your parents are robbed of millions of dollars, you’re dumped in your underwear off the Av Insurgentes Nte. Which obviously is pretty horrible. It’s a pretty picture though.

2. Christopher Walken.

“Listen. Creasy. I live heah. In Mexico. I lihve. Like a king. Ovah heah. And. No. I hahve no ideah. If Gawd. Will fuhgive us. For waht. We’ve done. Heah. Hahve some ribs.”

I love Christopher Walken. And what’s not to love? This guy does nothing but hang out and barbecue.

3. Putting a punk in his place.

“I’m going to tear your family apart piece by piece! YOU UNDERSTAND ME?” Coolest line in the whole movie.

Maybe it’s a good thing the picture is a little blurry. Good guys spend plenty of time getting knocked around by the bad guys, while we in the audience can do little more than cringe and wish it weren’t so. Not in this movie. Creasy has a thing for tearing off people’s fingers, whether it be with a knife, or a sawed-off shotgun, as with this poor bastard.

4. Sticking a bomb up someone’s a**.

Not only did Creasy blow up the guy’s motorcade with a bazooka, he strapped him to the hood of a car in his underwear with a bomb up his butt. And then, when he tried the whole, “Leesten Senior Creesy, I am jus’ a profesional. I am sorry about ‘de leedle gurl,” Denzel roasted him. Fantastic.

5. Sacrificing yourself for the little girl.

He shot everybody’s hands off, and still got Dakota Fanning back. Of course, he had to trade himself to save her, but she’s worth it. And in the end, it didn’t matter. He had already been shot and was half dead anyway. So, just when the bad guys think they’re gonna go to work on him, they look, and he’s slumped over in his seat. It’s the ultimate f*** you! Linda Ronstadt’s Blue Bayou plays us out.

That’s all for this week. Until next time! Send suggestions to move.it.move@gmail.com.

Daddy horny Michael.

Move It Move It is reporting on a story reported on by The Moving Picture reported on by The Times Online. It looks like Arrested Development fans may be seeing the Bluth family again, as early as next year. In an interview with Jason Bateman, the co-star of next month’s Hancock has this to say…

“When it was on TV, if you missed one word the whole third act could be vlown for you. And TV is a different experience. You come home and you’ve got to finish a call so you miss the first ten minutes or you get snacky and you go to the fridge and you miss another two minutes, so it’s a different experience to film.”

A hint perhaps? Man I hope so. Thinking about such a great show being cancelled before it’s time makes me sad, and I cry. Here’s hoping!

FRAK ATTACK!! - “You are the harbinger of death Kara Thrace.”

Last time on Battlestar Galactica, tensions ran high as Starbuck and Lieutenant Commander Hunter faced-off over the launch keys to the Alabama’s nuclear missiles. Pushed to the breaking point, Helo and his band of Merry Men relieve Starbuck of duty. But before anyone can breathe a sigh of relief, big dumb Anders stumbles out of his quarters.

Anders: Man, I am so wasted right no– woah. What’s going on?

Anders is all whacked out on Jello-shooters. Needless to say, everything gets shot to s**t, and Gaeta gets shot in the leg.

Everyone’s standing around, with their sweaty muscles, breathing hard and holding guns to everyone’s heads. Starbuck has an idea - she and a few others will jump to Leoben’s baseship to see if his story checks out. Helo nods. That sounds reasonable. Gaeta says his leg hurts. Anyway, they jump to the baseship, or peices of the baseships.

Athena: Looks like we found what’s left of them.

Theoden: So much death.

President Roslin is in sickbay, undergoing diloxin treatments for her cancer. A few beds down, she hears another patient complaining about her treatment. She walks over to take a peek, and guess who it is? Major Kira Nerys from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine!

Roslin: Hi, I’m Laura Roslin. What’s your name?

Kira: We don’t have time for this! Tell the Captain there are five Dominion warships headed straight for the Station!

Roslin: I’m sorry, I don’t get that reference.

Kira tells her to make sure Quark isn’t up to any of his old tricks.

On the baseship, Starbuck and co. learn about the Cylon civil war from Natalie. Natalie says that if they can’t bring things to a decisive end within the next 24 hours, the rebels will seize the capitol. Athena is mobbed by a gaggle of Sharons. The whole thing brings back a lot of unpleasant memories for her.

Athena: I’d really just like to be left alone right now.

Sharon #1: Me too.

Sharon #2: Me three.

Athena: Please. Stop.

Sharon #3: Me four.

Sharon #4: Me five.

Athena: I hate my life.

Back in sickbay, Roslin tries talking to Major Kira again. This whole cancer thing has got her on a religious kick, and she thinks maybe the two of them can find some common ground. Again, she’s disappointed.

Kira: Everyone says he’s just another Starfleet captain, but he’ll always be the Emmisary to me.

Leoben has convinced the other Cylons to let Starbuck see the Hybrid, who’s been coming up with some crazy stuff lately. Her room looks like a Friday night at the UC-Berkeley student union. Smoke, jazz, bohemians snapping their fingers, with the Hybrid right in the middle.

Hybrid: People packed in metal tubes. Cigarettes, death sticks, a clever ruse. The will to live sucked out of me. Teacher never told us this is how life would be. Groovy man.

Crowd: *snap* *snap* *snap* *snap*

Natalie: Screw this. Let’s just unbox D’Anna.

Leoben: Cool beans.

The clock’s just about run out on the Demetrius, and Helo is getting ready to jump back to the Galactica. But suddenly, just before they take off, the baseship appears. Success!

Starbuck: Looks like everything worked out just fine, Helo.

Helo: It sure did, Starbuck. It sure did.

Late that night, Adama and Roslin sit up talking to each other. Adama asks if she’s met anyone or had any experiences that have changed her perspective on things lately.

Roslin: There was this one woman I met in sickbay.

Adama: Tell me about her.

Roslin: Hmm? Oh. Nothing. She’s dead now.

The End

5 Things We Love About Movies With Guns (flashback edition) - 300

How did people hurt each other before guns were invented? Unfortunately, we don’t know. “Records” and “history” are spotty and unreliable, so we’re forced to turn to comic books for our information, and in extreme cases, movie adaptations of comic books. So this week, let’s jump in the Way-back Machine and take a look at…

1. The finest male specimens this side of Thermopylae.

Ha ha! Why use armor when the enemies’ spears will be deflected by our rock hard abs! Ah yes, you’ve noticed our capes. Scarlet. The color of Persian blood. Ha ha! Yes, we keep our packages carefully bound in strips of leather! Much more accessible when our enemies are in need of a good pecker-slap! Ha ha!

2. BLOOD.

Fighting is all well and good, but we pay for blood. And not just a little. When someone gets slammed in the face with a shield, we want blood splattered on the ground, when they get their leg chopped off, we want buckets of the stuff flying through the air. Thankfully, the movie was in no short supply.

3. The filmmakers’ secret prejudice against Iran.

C’mon. If it’s Iraq now, it’s Iran later. Thankfully, the filmmakers had to the foresight to warn us freedom-loving Americans that if the Iranians had their way, the first thing they’d do is steal all of our gold then take our women and children as slaves. The first thing I did after watching the movie was salute the American flag, and then register for the Army. And speaking of Iran and how evil it is…

4. Monsters.

Oh s**t is this what they’re bringing with them!? How’d they do that to his arms? It’s off to Canada with me!

5. “This. Is. SPARTAAAA!!”

And just like that, the internet community was changed forever. This ranks right up there with other meme fads like All Your Base and the Star Wars Kid. One of my favorites…

Hope you enjoyed this week’s entry! As always, send suggestions for future articles to move.it.move@gmail.com.

5 Things We Love About Movies With Guns - Judge Dredd

Shut up. You, like everyone else, went to Best Buy or Fry’s or wherever, found it in the Bargain Bin, and said, “Awesome!” This week, we take a look at one of Sylvester Stallone’s best roles (because honestly, how many really good ones were there?)…

1. The ABC War Robot.

What would life be like if we were followed around by an 8 ft. tall robot with machine guns in it’s hands and who did everything we told it to? Awesome. It would be awesome.

2. Mutants.

We all know that if there’s ever some sort of nuclear disaster, and we somehow survive it, we’re more than likely to be transformed into hideous mutant monsters. He can only hope that our uber-Christian preacher fathers will be able to outfit us with Six Million Dollar Man cybernetic implants, and that there will be enough airplane crash victims for us to eat.

3. Rob Schneider.

I think it’s great that Rob Schneider has given up success and a career of his own so that he could focus on co-opting the success of others who are still relevant and still making good movies. Anyway, he was decent in this movie and some of his lines were pretty funny. Little did he know that the s**tfest that was Deuce Bigalow would have a retroactive effect on all his previous work, also moving it into the s**t catagory. We’ll make an exception for Judge Dredd… and for SNL.

4. Block war, man!

Don’t you hear ‘em out there? It’s block war, man!

5. The Lawgiver.

I thought it would be kind of obvious to do an article on things we loved about movies with guns, and then have one of those things be the guns themselves. But this time around I couldn’t resist. The Lawgiver does everything. It shoots flairs, grenades, standard rounds, armor-piercing rounds, and in the movie’s deleted scenes, you see it actually make Dredd a ham sandwich. Who wouldn’t want one of these things? Don’t pick it up though, because they’re booby-trapped.

Be back next week for a new edition of 5 Things We Love About Movies With Guns. As always, if you’d like to see a movie reviewed, write us at move.it.move@gmail.com.

LOSTWATCH!! - “We’re going to move the island.”

We hope you enjoyed getting hit upside the head with all that LOST as much as we did last night. So, please enjoy these special finale editions of LOSTWATCH!!

They’ve done it. After four years three months of fighting and struggling and watching their friends die, the Oceanic 6 have made it off the island. They’re on a cargo plane flying to another island in the south Pacific for a big press conference, because nothing is quite as entertaining as the pain and suffering of others. Jack’s giving them a pep-talk before they land.

Jack: Just stick to the story. And remember, rats get the pipe. You feel me?

When they land, their families are all waiting for them. Mr. Paik and his thugs, Jack’s mom who’s appeared out of nowhere (and who must really miss her husband) and Hurley’s stereotypical Mexican mom. Kate and Sayid hang back while everyone ignores them. At the press conference, they’re bombarded with questions: Why does Hurley look so healthy (read fat) after three months on a deserted island? Is it possible others have survived? What the hell was that smoke monster thing? Who was in the coffin? What coffin?

On the island, the castaways are surprised to see the chopper fly overhead. But instead of landing, a package is thrown over the side. It’s the sat-phone. Jack asks Faraday if he can do anything with it. Faraday picks it up and holds it to his forehead.

Faraday: Hmm. Science tells me that they’re headed that way. Maybe you all should check it out and I’ll hold things down here with Charlotte. And maybe we’ll hold one or two more things down, if you catch me.

Jack packs his guts back into his stomach and sets off with Kate to find them. Before long they stumble into Miles and Sawyer. Kate’s shocked to see Sawyer with Aaron. Jack tells Kate to take him back to beach while him and Sawyer head off into the jungle to have a scruffy voice and panting contest. Kate, who’s fallen victim to her throbbing biological urges, is only too happy to. Meanwhile, Sayid has reached the island to ferry all those other castaways no one cares about back to the freighter. When he hears Jack and Sawyer are off chasing the chopper, he and Kate go after them.

In the future, Sun goes to see her father, who spends long days at the office yelling at people. He wasn’t expecting a visit from his daughter.

Mr. Paik: Hahaha! Ignorant donkey-faced woman, why are you not at home, tending to the cooking of foodstuffs and the cleaning of floors?

Sun: This morning I purchased a controlling interest in your company. Now it is you who will respect me.

Mr. Paik: Now it is you who shall feel the wrath of my samurai blade!

Hurley comes home to find his house deserted. He reaches into his waistband and pulls his glock. Before he can take anybody out, surprise! It’s a birthday party! Cheech thought it would be a funny joke to have the party be luau-themed.

Cheech: Hey, you guys thinking about starting a fire or hunting some boar? *snort*

Sayid: Or burying all our friends who died? You ASS.

Jack is finally able to eulogize his dad. After the wake, he’s approached by a woman who claims to be his father’s other woman, and she delivers a shocking revelation! It seems Jack had a half-sister who was also on Flight 815. What was her name? Clea. Cleo? No, Clee-ah. Clive? No, Klee-aaah-air. Ohh. Claire.

After Sayid took off into the jungle, Faraday helped bring the extras back to the freighter. Sun and Jin were in the first batch. Once they’re there, they find a face they never expected to see again. Michael. Sun asks if he’s working for Ben.

Michael: Nah, man. I’m like, no. I’m not working for, ‘ole, whatsisface.

Before things can get too awkward, Desmond runs out and says that there’s a bomb hooked up to the freighter’s engines. Jin tells Sun to tell their daughter that her father loved her very much. That’s a little cryptic, but what could possibly go wrong, right?

Locke, Ben and Hurley have reached the Orchid. They’re hiding from the freighter folk, who are already swarming the place. Ben, always the man with plan, give Locke instructions. He needs to walk straight ahead twenty paces, turn right, head for the fifth elevator, in case it doesn’t work, take the third or the sixth, but NOT the first. Go down three levels, stop, go out fifty paces, take the second left into the science lab, activate the monitors and the teleportation pad, the instruction manuals are in the third drawer. It’d be good to try everything on one of those numbered bunnies first, but if they’re all dead because no one’s been around to feed them for the past five years it’s not the end of the— ah s**t, Keamy found them.

Holy crap isn’t this exciting! Stay tuned for the stunning conclusion!

LOSTWATCH!! - “I’m not making any sense, am I?”

We begin in 1955, with Emily Locke swinging and hand-jiving all over her bedroom. When her mom walks in and asks her what she’s doing, Emily says that she’s going out with HIM, and that they’ll probably spend the entire night in an opium den fornicating each other. Upset, her mom chases her out into the rain, where Emily is promptly mowed down by a Buick, made by patriotic Americans in the good ole’ U.S. of A. Even though cars in he fifties were made of cast iron and bricks, Emily escapes with only a few cuts and bruises and a baby. Whaaaaa??

Flash forward. In the jungle, comical antics ensue as Locke, Ben and Hurley just can’t seem to find Jacob’s cabin. “Hey, I was following you!” “Well if you’re in front, and we’re following from behind–” “But I thought you… oh boy!” Ben pokes Hurley’s eyes who slaps Locke’s bald head.

Keamy and the rest of the Joes make it back to the freighter, albeit a little worse for wear. When the doc asks what happened to a member of their team, Keamy says that Lostzilla attacked them and ripped his guts out, then he puts a gun to his head and tells him to put his guts back in. When Captain House comes on deck, Keamy puts a gun to his head and asks if it was him who sold out their team to Ben.

House: You’re obviously suffering from some sort of delusional parasitosis.

Then he twirls his cane and pops a vicodin. He takes Keamy down to see Michael. When Keamy puts a gun to his head, Michael says, “I was just trying to help mah boy.” Sayid uses this opportunity to steal a boat and head back to the island.

In the jungle, Locke wakes up to the sound of someone chopping wood. Exploring a little bit, he finds Horace, the hippy-dippy guy who welcomed Ben to the island right after he graduated from Hogwarts.

Horace: You got to find me Lock–ah dammit I’m bleeding.

Locke leads Ben and Hurley to the mass grave where Ben dumped all the Dharma folks, including his Uncle Rico, who Ben killed after Rico threw a steak in his face. Locke jumps into the pile of rotting corpses like it ain’t no thang and rummages around until he finds a treasure map marking the location of Jacob’s cabin.

In his flashbacks, we find that Locke is some sort of wunderkind who’s been watched his entire life by the likes of Richard Alpert and Desmond Mobay. Alpert, because he thinks Locke may be their next leader. He visits a nine-year-old Locke, and spreads a few things out on the table in front of him. Included are a knife, a Playboy magazine, a Bible, a pack of cigarettes, a ottle of Crown Royale, and some fireworks. Alpert asks Little Johnny Locke which of these things belong to him. His answer is a little depressing.

Little Johnny Locke: I like tohtles.

Desmond Mobay, because he’s needs Locke’s help after killing an undercover cop.

Locke: Look, I just want to go back to my room.

Mobay: Locke mon, ‘ya gotta get me in good wid de bad’guys, ‘yafeelmee brudda?

Finally, our heroes find Jacob’s cabin. When Locke goes inside, he finds Jacob who promptly answers all his questions about the island. Oh wait, that never happened. Jacob’s cabin is under new management, namely Christian Shephard and Claire, who’s just happy that she finally has something to do. Locke gets right to the point.

Locke: How do we get our hands on more of that ranch dressing Hurley likes so much?

Christian tells Locke that he’s an idiot. When he finally emerges from the cabin, Ben can hardly contain himself. “Did he tell you what we’re supposed to do?” he asks.

Locke: He did.

Ben: Well?

Locke: He wants us to move the island.

Ben/Hurley: Here we go again!

Almost done! Be back tomorrow for this season’s exciting conclusion!