You’re busy.

This is what you’re doing tonight.

FlashForward – “D. Gibbons is a bad man.”`

The world is still trying to come to terms with the effects of the Flashforward. Some people are handling it better than others.

Aaron: You know, I could walk up to anyone and ask, “What did you see?” and they would all say—

Mark: Your beard! A**hole… *glugluglug*

Mark is still upset about Olivia’s vision and is becoming more paranoid about this Lloyd Simcoe character. Over at FBI headquarters, the Team is met by Deputy Secretary of Homeland Security Anastasia Markham, who’s none too pleased that they’ve taken it upon themselves to investigate the Flashforward.

Anastasia: You hope you’ll find out what happened during the blackout? No one spends millions of dollars on hope!

Stan: I guess someone forgot to tell Barack Obama! Ya burnt!

Demetri is still freaking out about his non-vision. Mark’s tried calming him down, but he hasn’t been much help. Things change when they meet up with the local police in Pigeon, Utah.

Cop: I didn’t see anything, either.

Demetri: Really?

Cop: Yeah.

Demetri: You know, I think thing’s are gonna be alright.

Then this happened…

At the hospital, Olivia’s finally met Lloyd. She swore to Mark that no matter what happened, she could never feel anything for this man, but she’s finding it tough to resist that windswept hair and saucy British accent!

Lloyd: How do I tell my son that his mum is dead?

Olivia: Make me feel like a real woman.

Lloyd: Huh?

Olivia: Gotta go!

This is the point in the show where someone turns on one of the Grey’s Anatomy soundtracks. We flip through quick shots of everyone winding down after a long day.

Stan stops by the office to drop off some cupcakes.

Janice: Flash forward to my ass ballooning two sizes LOL!

Demetri: Oooohohohohoha! I like you!

Stan: Hey guys shut up a minute. I don’t know if you saw this, but we triangulated the calls that Gibbons chick made on her cellphone, and it looks like she was talking to Suspect Zero…during the blackout!

Demetri: Woah!

Janice: Mmmphphphhpgoohcupcake…

A little birdie tells me that this week’s episode will have people everywhere asking when the characters will quit acting like cardboard cutouts! Tune in!

Things We Like #6: Heat Vision and Jack

I’ll let Ben Stiller and the trailer speak for themselves.

“Nut up or shut up.”

I’ve got a short Zombieland review and a long Zombieland review. The short review: Go see Zombieland. Go tonight. Hell, go right now. Not convinced? Read on for the long review.

Zombie movies have a long, proud, history. It stretches from the shambling, not-so-scary zombies of Dawn of the Dead (1978), to the running, scary-as-f**k zombies of Dawn of the Dead (2004). Of course, it’s valid to look at the majority of zombie fare out there and say, “Not much variety here.” Zombieland is one of a few movies that have come along and helped mix things up.

The movie is set in – as Colombus calls it – the United States of Zombieland, after a zombie virus has killed off most of civilization. Colombus (Jesse Eisenberg) is heading to Colombus, Ohio (do you get the name now?) to find his family. Along the way he meets Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson), a badass country boy who takes his rage and frustration out on the movie’s hoards of undead. Eventually they come across sisters Wichita (Emma Stone) and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin), who when they first meet take them for their car and supplies. Eventually they come together and head for Pacific Playland, a west coast amusement park which is still zombie-free.

I had been watching the movie for about five minutes before asking, “Is Jesse Eisenberg supposed to be playing Michael Cera?” Eisenberg as the stammering Colombus isn’t exactly mind-blowing, but watching him together with Woody Harrelson is comedy gold. The chemistry between the two characters almost makes the movie. And while Colombus’ relationship with bad girl Wichita is central to the character’s development, you’re always drawn back to his scenes with Tallahassee. And speaking of the cast, there’s a fantastic cameo in here that I won’t spoil for anyone. Let me just say that it’s probably one of the most brilliant things about the movie, and if Eisenberg and Harrelson weren’t doing enough for you, there’s no doubt this guy will.

The small glimpses we catch of the zombie apocalypse aren’t very realistic. We miss a lot of the large-scale destruction and zombie mobs, but it fits the movie fine. And there’s still plenty of violence and gore for those who are expecting it. But while other films may give you a sense of the trauma and destruction the world has gone through, that’s not what Zombieland is about. It’s about these four characters, their relationships with each other, and the things they do to help each other survive. They each build the group up, and rely on the group to do the same for them. The family dynamic between them is the most believable I’ve ever seen in a movie like this.

When you watch other zombie movies you realize that half, if not all, of the cast is there only to be killed off later on. You always find yourself asking, “Are they gonna survive?” That was never a question for me. Everyone is playing a bigger role here, and as a result, you find yourself caring about them more than characters from anything Romero ever did. Shaun of the Dead headed in this same direction, although I think Zombieland did a better job of pulling it off.

The movie’s runtime is a little short – it clocks in at just under 90 minutes – but I didn’t walk out feeling shortchanged. This is a little comedy that delivers in a big way. The movie’s outrageousness is presented so that you never feel like anything is over the top or cliched. You connect with the characters, and although the landscape is bleak, the movie leaves you feeling hopeful. And it’s the funniest damn thing I’ve seen all year. As for whether or not you should check this one out in the theaters, refer back to my short review.

And holy hell, that cameo was awesome.

The Cleveland Show: And EVEN a bear?

I’m beginning to think The Cleveland Show fits into the same category as Law & Order: Personal Injury Lawyers and CSI: Sacramento. After watching Cleveland and his son, Cleveland Jr. — who looked like this the last time we saw him — reconnect with their roots in Stoolbend, Virginia, I thought to myself, “Wait a second, I don’t give a s**t about Cleveland!” The entire show, which follows the Family Guy formula a little too closely, spent much of its 30-minute premiere making a bunch of bad sex jokes. Don’t they know? Race is the last barrier!

Like I said, the show follows the Family Guy formula almost to the letter. There’s Cleveland, his wife Donna, and three kids. There’s even a little one who runs around and, well, I won’t tell you what he does, but man hehehahahaha…so the entire thing just feels derivative. I’m thinking MacFarlane and friends should have started from scratch and thought up something a little more fresh, but if The Cleveland Show was just screaming to get made, I wish they had taken the characters in different directions.

Cleveland Jr., like Chris Griffin and Steve Smith before him, is a socially awkward, angst-filled teen. Rallo, while a few years older than Stewie, fills the exact same role minus the humor. Donna’s daughter, Roberta, is a nice change of pace. Her personality is a lot different from Meg and Hayley, and that will help bring a different dynamic to the show. The supporting characters may prove to be funnier than they were in the pilot, but again, they really stick to that Family Guy formula. Three guys who hang out with Cleveland at the local bar. There are the talking bears, Tim and Arianna, Holt the hipster, Lester the redneck, and a family from England. There’s potential there, we’ll just have to see if it pays off.

A lot of shows start off shaky, so you can never make any real judgments after only a single episode. Having said that, I feel confident in saying that The Cleveland Show is the worst television show ever made. It really isn’t, but it’s going to have to get a lot better a lot faster to keep me interested.

Animation Domination

If you were Matt Groening, would this picture piss you off?

Grey’s Anatomy is back.

In case you missed Thursday’s episode…

Mmm, unconventional! I can’t wait to see what the season has in store!

FlashForward – “There are no more good days.”

EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES – DAY

A typical summer morning. Birds chirping. People on their way to work. Widen to reveal –

Four Hours Earlier

A typical summer morning. Birds chirping. People on their way to work. Mexicans trimming the trees and mowing the grass. Mark Benford kisses his wife Olivia before leaving for the day. Aaron Stark trims his beard. Bryce Varely sticks a gun to his head. The hot chick who was on Mad Men is taking her clothes off. Business as usual, right? WRONG. Today’s the day everything changes. Boom. Roasted.

FBI agent Mark and his sidekick Hikaru Sulu are chasing some stock terror suspect who will turn out to be central to the show’s plot halfway through the season when suddenly–!

For 2 minutes and 17 seconds, the entire world blacks out. No one’s sure what’s going on, but it’s like one of those Yellow Submarine things where even though it’s like one big acid trip, the music’s still pretty good so I just went with it. And then my aunt walked in and I was so high I hit on her, and she touched me in my swimsuit area.

When everyone wakes up LA is on fire. Sulu takes the helm while Mark tries to help all the people who are freaking out. Over at the hospital, Olivia is dealing with the same thing. Back at their house, Nicole the nanny pushes her boyfriend off of her long enough to make sure Charlie isn’t dead. She’s awake, clutching her teddy bear.

Nicole: Are you alright, sweety?

Charlie: I had a bad dream.

Nicole: What did you do?

Charlie: The malice of the act was base and I loved it–that is to say I loved my own undoing, I loved the evil in me–not the thing for which I did the evil, simply the evil: my soul was depraved, and hurled itself down from security in You into utter destruction, seeking no profit from wickedness but only to be wicked.

Nicole: Maybe I should call your mom.

Olivia’s got her own problems.

Later, at FBI headquarters, Mark and a stock task force gather in a conference room to figure out what’s happened. From what they know, the blackouts affected everyone on the planet.

Mark: No. It was more than a blackout. It was like a memory… of the future!

Everyone. At the Exact Same F’ing Time: You mean…a flash-forward?

Seth MacFarlane: Giggity.

Mark tells Demetri they need to figure out a way to see what everyone saw during the flashforward. They’re on it, and a plan comes together surprisingly fast.

Demetri: We’ll make a website!

Girl: And a TV show!

They take the idea to Stan, who’s quick to jump onboard.

Stan: Good job, guys. But let’s keep all this blackout business under wraps for now. We can’t let the public find out about this.

Mark: Uh, you realize the world knows, right?

Stan: Keep up the good work.

That night, Mark’s talking to Nicole. Ever since the blackout, she hasn’t been able to stop crying.

Nicole: I’ve been watching the news all day, except for when I was…nevermind. I just don’t know what to think, you know? I’m scared. I’m horny.

Mark: You really should go. I’m already a recovering alcoholic, I don’t need–you know. That other stuff coming up.

Nicole: What other stuff?

Mark: Please leave.

And she’s not the only one acting strange. Mark told Olivia what he saw during his blackout, but Olivia’s kept quiet.

Mark: What did you see, babe?

Olivia: I don’t want to talk about it.

Mark: But–

Olivia: He made me feel like a real woman!

Back in the office, whatshername calls Demetri over. She points to her computer.

Girl: Did you know every security camera in the world feeds into the FBI database?

Demetri: Really?

Girl: Yeah. I just finished looking through it. Check out what I found!

Demetri: That wasn’t taken during the blackout. It’s an Astros game. But it’s kind of cool that you found such a huge clue so quickly.

Girl: I know, right?

What does it all mean? Who’s the mysterious Suspect 0? What role will the kangaroo play? Was my Astros joke topical? More importantly, will FlashForward be as commercially viable as Lost? Tune in next week!

LOSTWATCH!! – “Who’s gonna get my back?”

Well, we sure know who’s going to be getting Juliette’s back, amirite? Haaaaa. It’s the swingin’ 70’s. Dharma’s heyday. The Dharmafolks are busy conducting experiments on who’s mellow is more yellow and who’s got the loosest caboose. That is, until Horace comes in, harshin’ everyone’s buzz.

Phil: Is that Horace? Is he carrying dynamite?! Ruh-roh. Better call LaFleur.

Dharma Guy: (into phone) Hello? Get me Jean Philippe LaFleur… I don’t care! Interrupt him!

They’ve all had a bit to drink and things are getting out of hand. They don’t take kindly to Miles, who’s trying to get everyone to settle down.

Finally, they head out to meet LeFleur, the shadowy head of Dharma security. A moment later the door opens. We hear a scruffy voice and see a lone form cloaked in shadow. We widen to reveal…!

When LaFleur hears what’s wrong, he gets a wistful look in his eye. A smile plays across his lips and a slight breeze ruffles his hair.

LaFleur: This reminds me of something. A long time ago. The perfect end to the perfect day. A day just like this one this one this one this one…

Three Years Earlier

LaFleur: We were dropped into the middle of the jungle, dressed as civilians. We were doin’ one thang, and one thang only. Killin’ Hostiles.

LaFleur: We found two of them beatin’ up on Horace’s wife. After we took ‘em out, she wanted to bury ‘em. I didn’t like it. If we left ‘em out, the Hostiles couldn’t help but imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives.

Dharma Guy: That’s kind of f**ked up.

LaFleur: She seemed a little shady to me. And I was right not to trust her. Once we got to that sonic fence, she gave us what for. Almost zapped our brains out.

LaFleur: When we woke up we’s was with Horace. Had his knickers all up in a knot over that Richard guy. The fancy boy with the makeup. I told him not to worry. I’d set things straight.

Dharma Guy: Whad’ya do, LaFleur?

LaFleur: I told him we’s the ones killed his Hostile buddies, and if he weren’t careful, we’d kill him and the rest of his eyeliner-wearin’ buddies, too.

——————–

Richard: My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

LaFleur: What now?

Richard: Nuss’ing. Mistare LeFlooure, ve vequiah JUSTICE! You meh tell Horse he hat nuss’ing to fere from ‘ze Hostiles, zo longk az ve can bringk bek ze man zey killed in ze jungle zis afternoon.

LaFleur: Hoss, you are tryin’ mah patience.

——————–

LaFleur: So anyway, I told Horace what the deal was, and he told Amy that she was gonna have to give over her dead boyfriend.

Amy: Will they respect his body?

Horace: Oh no. They’ll do horrible, horrible things to it. And he’s just gonna lie there and take it.

LaFleur: Because we smoothed things out with the Hostiles, Horace said we could stay on the island a spell. We’d have to leave sometime, but there weren’t no rush, ya’ know? At first, Juliette was a little skeptical, but I straightened her out, if ya’ know what I mean…hehehe…

Miles: LaFleur, we’ve got visitors! You’re gonna want to see this!

LaFleur and Miles jump in The Mystery Machine and head down to the beach, where they’re met with an unexpected surprise.

Hurley: Dudes! Blast from the past, or is that the future? When do we eat?

LaFleur: You know, Miles, I think this may just be mah masterpiece.

Miles: The hell are you talking about, dude?

Family G– Americ– The Cleveland Show

Looks like Seth MacFarlane is going back to the well with his set-up for The Cleveland Show. An awkward son. Crazy neighbors. A baby. When I saw this on American Dad all those years ago, I thought, “This will never last.” Now, American Dad is easily funnier than Family Guy (most of the time, anyway). Maybe it’ll work for him again, here. He must be doing something right. Didn’t FOX just sign him to a million-bajillion dollar contract? That MacFarlane. He’s so hot right now.