Lost: The Final Season

Call me late to the party, but I just found this poster that was unveiled at Comic Con for Lost’s sixth and FINAL (*sniff*) season. Take a look at how many characters are coming back! Oh yeah… spoilers.

LOSTWATCH!! – “Who’s gonna get my back?”

Well, we sure know who’s going to be getting Juliette’s back, amirite? Haaaaa. It’s the swingin’ 70’s. Dharma’s heyday. The Dharmafolks are busy conducting experiments on who’s mellow is more yellow and who’s got the loosest caboose. That is, until Horace comes in, harshin’ everyone’s buzz.

Phil: Is that Horace? Is he carrying dynamite?! Ruh-roh. Better call LaFleur.

Dharma Guy: (into phone) Hello? Get me Jean Philippe LaFleur… I don’t care! Interrupt him!

They’ve all had a bit to drink and things are getting out of hand. They don’t take kindly to Miles, who’s trying to get everyone to settle down.

Finally, they head out to meet LeFleur, the shadowy head of Dharma security. A moment later the door opens. We hear a scruffy voice and see a lone form cloaked in shadow. We widen to reveal…!

When LaFleur hears what’s wrong, he gets a wistful look in his eye. A smile plays across his lips and a slight breeze ruffles his hair.

LaFleur: This reminds me of something. A long time ago. The perfect end to the perfect day. A day just like this one this one this one this one…

Three Years Earlier

LaFleur: We were dropped into the middle of the jungle, dressed as civilians. We were doin’ one thang, and one thang only. Killin’ Hostiles.

LaFleur: We found two of them beatin’ up on Horace’s wife. After we took ‘em out, she wanted to bury ‘em. I didn’t like it. If we left ‘em out, the Hostiles couldn’t help but imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives.

Dharma Guy: That’s kind of f**ked up.

LaFleur: She seemed a little shady to me. And I was right not to trust her. Once we got to that sonic fence, she gave us what for. Almost zapped our brains out.

LaFleur: When we woke up we’s was with Horace. Had his knickers all up in a knot over that Richard guy. The fancy boy with the makeup. I told him not to worry. I’d set things straight.

Dharma Guy: Whad’ya do, LaFleur?

LaFleur: I told him we’s the ones killed his Hostile buddies, and if he weren’t careful, we’d kill him and the rest of his eyeliner-wearin’ buddies, too.

——————–

Richard: My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

LaFleur: What now?

Richard: Nuss’ing. Mistare LeFlooure, ve vequiah JUSTICE! You meh tell Horse he hat nuss’ing to fere from ‘ze Hostiles, zo longk az ve can bringk bek ze man zey killed in ze jungle zis afternoon.

LaFleur: Hoss, you are tryin’ mah patience.

——————–

LaFleur: So anyway, I told Horace what the deal was, and he told Amy that she was gonna have to give over her dead boyfriend.

Amy: Will they respect his body?

Horace: Oh no. They’ll do horrible, horrible things to it. And he’s just gonna lie there and take it.

LaFleur: Because we smoothed things out with the Hostiles, Horace said we could stay on the island a spell. We’d have to leave sometime, but there weren’t no rush, ya’ know? At first, Juliette was a little skeptical, but I straightened her out, if ya’ know what I mean…hehehe…

Miles: LaFleur, we’ve got visitors! You’re gonna want to see this!

LaFleur and Miles jump in The Mystery Machine and head down to the beach, where they’re met with an unexpected surprise.

Hurley: Dudes! Blast from the past, or is that the future? When do we eat?

LaFleur: You know, Miles, I think this may just be mah masterpiece.

Miles: The hell are you talking about, dude?

The return of Chaa-lee?

Apparently, the ABC house is like those commercials where women sitting around talking about how their birth control is making flowers grow out of their lady-parts. In this latest promo we’re given a hint as to what may be coming in Lost’s sixth and final season (only thirty-six months away!). In it, we see Patrick Dempsey, Ed O’Neil, Courtney Cox, and Dominic Monaghan playing foosball, laughing, and just having a good old time. At one point, Patrick looks up at Ed and says, “I thought you were dead.” Dominic leans over to Courtney and whispers, “I was dead once. Didn’t much care for it,” to which Courtney replies, “What’s that from?”

What does it all mean? Is it possible that Charlie isn’t dead and is in fact returning to Lost next season? Is it possible that Lost has turned into one big mindf**k and all bets are off next year? The former, maybe. The latter, definitely. Anyway, may the rumors spread like wildfire.

“These are the voyages…”

Commercials have been advertising the latest Trek movie as, “not your father’s Star Trek.” I hate that tagline. They might as well throw in some squealing guitar riffs playing over girls taking their shirts off. Well, some of the commercials have that, too. All of that aside, this definitely isn’t your father’s Star Trek, or is it? The answer is no, it’s not. Although there’s a good chance he’s gonna dig it.

I’ve been a Star Trek fan for years. I stuck with it through the soaring highs of The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine, and the excruciating lows of Voyager and Enterprise. I clapped wildly when I went to see First Contact, and hung my head in shame after seeing Insurrection. It was sad, but the franchise had been in decline in recent years. Star Trek 9 and 10 were lackluster at best, and although it was getting better toward the end, Enterprise was canceled after its fourth season. So when Paramount announced that JJ Abrams would be bringing the next Trek to the big screen, essentially rebooting the franchise, and that they were going to be giving him millions and millions of dollars to do it, the first thing that came to mind was, “What took you so long?”

And it begins. Star Trek fans are some of the whiniest, bitchiest, hard to please people on the planet, and once it was announced that Abrams would be going back to the days of Kirk and Spock, and recasting all of those iconic characters, message board were aflame with speculation that Abrams, a self-proclaimed non-fan, would do nothing but ruin the franchise. Abrams chose to go back to the very beginning, even before the original series, and make this new Star Trek an origin story. It follows Kirk and Spock, and tells how they both came to join Starfleet and be stationed on the Enterprise. In the film, Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise go up against Nero, a time traveling Romulan who has a grudge against the Federation for reasons we won’t spoil here.

How was it? Totally awesome! People talk about updating the look of the original series while still keeping the feeling, but Abrams was actually able to pull it off. The sets are new and slick, yet still have that retro 60s feel to them. The film’s special effects are top notch. And Michael Giacchino composed a beautiful soundtrack. The casting was inspired. Especially in the case of Zachary Quinto, who seems like he born to play Spock. Chris Pine was able to bring in Kirk’s brash hotheadedness, and Zoe Saldana really breathes life into Uhura, who in the original series I always felt was there just so there would be a woman in the main cast.

My problems with the film were very few. Scribes Robert Orci and Alex Kurtzman did a wonderful job with the script. After Transformers and Eagle Eye, it was better than anything I thought they could do. Still, they threw in the obligatory jokes and sight gags. Some of which worked, while others didn’t. For me, it was all a little hit or miss. I don’t mind comedy in my Trek, but there’s a cutoff point. Also, I had to wonder whether or not the filmmakers trusted the audience to understand the film’s plot. Some of the expository scenes were almost painful to watch. I also had a few problems with Karl Urban’s Doctor McCoy and Anton Yelchin’s Chekov, who at times seemed they were playing caricatures of their characters more than anything else.

Abrams promised he would deliver a movie that would respect all that came before it, while at the same time making it accessible to new fans. And you know what? That’s exactly what he did. Was it 100% perfect? No. But I think he did a hell of a better job than most thought he’d be able to do. Movies come in threes these days, and I’m sure we’ll be hearing about Star Trek XII before long. And rightfully so. This was a good movie. For me – and fans will know what I’m talking about – it was a complete gamechanger. What the filmmakers decided to do with the story really turned Trek into something I wasn’t expecting, but am incredibly excited to see play out over the next few years. I have to give this one an A+. Get out and see it now so that you’re not the only loser who doesn’t know what all your friends are talking about!

LOSTWATCH!! – “I’ll miss you, John. I really will.”

Jeremy Bentham is the author of the bestselling series, Parliamentary Reform Catecthism. After finishing his latest book, he’s taken a much-needed vacation in the middle of the desert. But one night, after being caught in a snowstorm and wrecking his car, things go horribly wrong. Jeremy wakes up to find he’s been taken in by Annie, his self-proclaimed, “number-one fan.” While at first she seems good-natured and helpful, things quickly change. When Jeremy tells Annie about his plan to bring his friends, even Sun, back to the island, Annie becomes angry!

Annie: I can’t let you go, Jeremy. You’ll stay here, and write a new episode of Lost. One where you don’t have to wear Jack’s dad’s shoes. Because, what the hell kind of sense does that make?

And yeah, she breaks his legs..

Bentham is eventually rescued by the enigmatic Desmond Mobay, who smashes Annie in the head with a pig trophy. He and Bentham take off on a whirlwind trip across five continents and twenty three countries town to try and convince the Oceanic 6 to come back to the island with them. First up is Sayid, who for some, *ahem* unexplained reason, has only been able to get work shingling roofs.

Sayid: John! Can you tell this guy I speak English?

Foreman: You take el shingles, okay?

Sayid: Do you understand me? I have a double doctorate in astrophysics and archaeology!

Foreman: No dinero today!

Well, Locke tried, I guess, but it just wasn’t meant to be. Next up is, Walt? Yep. He’s back. Walt is now 47 and living on New York’s Lower East Side. When Walt sees him, he can tell that Locke’s been under a lot of stress.

Walt: You know what you could use?

Locke: The gentle touch of a man?

Walt: Tyson’s Chicken Nuggets.

Locke: But the island — wait. What?

Walt: They’re Anytizers! You can have them anytime! Get it?

Locke: Are you kidding me? You know, if that explosion hadn’t killed your dad, this would have.

Walt: Dad’s dead?

Locke: Get away from me.

Locke leaves Walt to think about the choices he’s made. Next, he visits Hurley at the mental institution. After spending so much time wearing pajamas and a robe, and having other people clean up his mess for him, he’s really kind of let himself go.

Hurley: I just gave myself a Holy Frijole. Look it up.

Locke: Um, I forgot. The island doesn’t need you to come back.

Things really haven’t gone as well as Locke would have hoped. But he still has a few people to visit, and hopefully Kate will be more receptive. Surprise! She’s not.

Kate: Have you ever loved somebody, John?

Locke: Huh?

Kate: I think about you sometimes. About how desperate you were to stay on that island. Then I realized, it’s because you’ve never–

Locke: Blah blah blah you’re a bitch. Thanks anyway.

Locke is so upset that when he leaves Kate’s place he has a heart attack and passes out. When he comes to, he’s in the hospital, and you’ll never guess who he meets! It’s Jack, who’s begun a long downward spiral, apparantly.

Locke: Have you been drinking? It’s like ten in the morning.

Jack: Dude, you’re lucky I even showed, okay?

Jack has to totally, like, split, before his sponsor freaks out. So, Locke’s failed. None of the others have agreed to go back with him. A defeated man, who obviously takes things way too far, Locke goes back to his ratty apartment to hang himself. Of course, things never go as planned.

Locke: Well this isn’t working. I’m going back to the island.

One week later, on the island.

Caesar: So, how did you enjoy your trip, my main man?

Locke: It was… to DIE for?

LOSTWATCH!! – “You’re all going back to the island?”

It’s taken three years, but Jack and the others have finally made it back to the island. But there’s no time to celebrate. As Jack comes to, he hears a distant cry, and runs to investigate. He finds Hurley struggling to survive in two feet of water.

Jack: Hurley! Your body can be used as a flotation device!

Klaus: Get him out of ze f**king vater!

After Jack jumps in and hauls Hurley to shore, he finds Kate lying unconscious. A gentle nudge, and she wakes up.

Kate: Are we back?

Jack: No, we crashed on a completely different island! Are you serious? C’mon.

46 Hours Earlier

Eloise takes the castaways to her underground lair, which is decorated with lots of mysterious photos and graphs that no one would really take the time to draw on a chalk board. The Dharma folks called this place the Outpost, but obviously didn’t care that much about it, because they didn’t take the time to design one of their cool logos for it. I’m thinking a lighthouse, or maybe a castle.

Anyway, the Outpost’s entire purpose is to predict exactly which points in time the island is jumping to. Eloise has the coordinates of the next jump, and the castaways have 36 hours to get on the plane that will take them there. This makes Desmond a sad panda, and he takes a second to believe When Desmond hears that Jack and co. are planning on going back to the island, his accent, that he’s worked so hard to hide comes right back.

Desmond: So wha’ shu’ah do, brutha? Shu’ah jus’ shushu shu shu shu… !

Eloise says that the island isn’t done with Desmond either, so expect to see lots more of him later. Eloise also says that the castaways have to recreate the circumstances of the original crash as best they can in order to get back to the island. And that’s not all. She says that to recreate the castaway’s original flight, they’ll have to use Locke’s body as a stand-in for Jack’s dad.

Eloise: Isn’t that f**ked up?

He’ll also need his shoes, or something.

Jack: This is ridiculous!

Eloise: Then go watch Criminal Minds! Piss your Wednesday nights away!

Jack finds Ben in the chapel. Who is this woman? Why is she helping them? All of this would be a little easier for Jack to digest if he had a little proof that what she was saying was true. Ben motions toward a painting on the wall.

Ben: Thomas.

Jack: The Apostle?

Ben: No. Dave Thomas. Wendy’s. Let’s get a  Frosty, and one of those disgusting Caesar salads they sell.

That night, Jack goes home to find Kate in his bed, which is something we’ve all wished would happen to us. She tells him she’s decided to go back to the island with them. What changed her mind?

Kate: Teach a man to fish, you know?

Jack: That doesn’t make any sense. Where’s Aaron?

Kate: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Jack: I’m not sure you know what words mean.

Jack gets a phone call from Ben, who has had the ever-loving s**t knocked out of him. It all kind of makes you wonder how long it’ll be until he snaps and shoots everyone up. Anyway, Ben needs Jack to pick up Locke’s body. It’s being kept in the back of a Saltgrass Steak House.

Jack: You stuck a rotting corpse in the cook room of a steakhouse?! What the hell were you thinking?

Ben: I can’t hear you, Jack. There’s too much blood in my ears.

Jack gets to the steak house and meets Jill. She’s stashed Locke’s body for Ben.

Jack: I’m here to see the body, and a menu! Oh, I’m bad!

After a deeply satisfying, if a little overpriced meal, Jack takes the body to the airport to load it on the plane. After he’s finished filling out some paperwork, he sees that one guy from Three Kings.

Caesar: I’m sorry joo los’ jour friend my main man. Mi nombre Ceasar Gutierrez, and I’m 100% Spanish praise Allah.

Jack: You look like someone I know.

Miraculously, and ironically with no explanation at all, Sayid and Hurley also show up at the airport, and with tickets for the exact flight they need to take to get back to the island! As they’re all settling in for the flight, Ben comes aboard, and Hurley totally flips.

Huley: Who told him he could come!

The flight attendant tells Jack that if he can’t keep his pet bear under control, they’re going to have to move him to the cargo hold.

Jack sits down next to Kate, who’d be able to get rid of those bags under her eyes if she tried a little makeup.

Jack: This is great, huh? All together again. It’s a good feeling. Like way back, a week ago, when I was into all that coedine. I mean, that’s horrible. I would never get into that stuff again. No siree.

Kate: What’s the point, Jack? We’re all on the same plane, but we’re not together.

Jack: Uh… okay. Bummer.

When the pilot of the plane comes over the intercom, Jack recognizes him as Lapidus. He goes up to say hi. The stewardess asks him to stand back. They’re on a high terror alert because of the Three Kings. A beshaven Frank comes out to meet Jack.

Frank: Hey, doc. Is that Sayid? And Kate? And Hurley? And Sun? But if they’re here… then where are we… uh-oh!

Jack: Why isn’t anybody as excited as I am?

It doesn’t matter because the plane flies through the Langoliers hole in the sky anyway, and they crash back on the island. Or rather, on the runway that Kate and Sawyer were helping to build in season 3. Eh? Eh? Screw you, haters. So, back on the island, Jack alone, he saves Hurley, Kate wakes up, and a van! Who is it? It’s Jin, or rather it’s 1977 Jin, with a hole mess of Soul Glo in his hair.

Jin: Hey groovy cats!

LOSTWATCH!! – “This place is death!”

The episode begins with Sun sitting in her car, watching as the other castaways meet with Ben on the dock. She spends twenty minutes looking down at her gun, trying to pump herself up.

Sun: Alright alright alright alright. Alright! Let’s do this. Leeeerrrroyyyy uhJjjjennnnnnnkiiiiiinnsss!

Level 1 Paladin: Oh man, she just ran in.

Of course, Sun and her guild are wiped out by a group of proto-dragons. Oh, and Jin’s still alive. He’s back on the island, having washed up with Rousseau and her band of traveling Frenchmen in the last episode. They’re a little nervous once they find out that Jin had been to the island before, but told him that if he helped them find the radio tower, they’d help him find his camp.

Frenchie #1: Gerard Depardieu? Baguette! Aaahaha!

Frenchie #2: Smoke break!

They’re making their way through the jungle when they hear the smoke monster. Of course, the French don’t know it’s a smoke monster, but once they realize its hostile intentions, they immediately surrender (jokes!)! Not one to be appeased, Smokie rips one of their arms off.

In the end it doesn’t matter, because there’s a sudden flash, and Jin finds himself alone in the jungle. But he’s not alone! Once he gets back to the beach, he finds Rousseau, who’s obviously PMS’ing, because she’s waving a gun around and shooting people. Wokka wokka! Things turn south when she recognizes Jin.

Rousseau: You’re him! The disappearing Chinaman!

Jin: The Donger?

There’s another flash, and Jin finds Sawyer, who spends a few awkward moments trying to pantomime what’s going on. After five years three months on the island, Jin’s really getting tired of this shit. Locke explains that they need to go back to the Orchid, and that he’s going to try bringing Jack and everyone else back to the island. He looks at Sawyer.

Locke: You think he got all that?

Back on the dock, Sun is obviously PMS’ing because she’s waving a gun around. Ben says that if would just chill the f**k out, he can prove to her that Jin’s still alive. Sun is intrigued by this new development, and decides to see how things play out. When everyone else finds out that Jack was only being friends with them so they’d come back to the island, they all storm off in a tizzy.

On the island, the flashes are coming quicker and quicker. Charlotte isn’t dealing with this very well. Whatever’s messed up in her brain isn’t getting any better, and she’s taking breaks from gushing blood out of her nose only to slip into these wierd hallucination/flashbacks.

Charlotte: This place is death! *blaaah*

Sawyer: What do you suppose that means?

Locke and the others have to get to the Orchid, so they leave Faraday to take care of Charlotte while they go ahead. After they leave, Charlotte reveals a stunning secret!

Charlotte: Dan, I grew up here, on the island. But I left when I was a little girl. I spent years trying to find it again. One day, a man with a creepy beard came and told me that I could never return, or else I’d die!

Faraday: Wha-?

Charlotte: That man was you, Daniel! Don’t grow your beard! It creeps the shit out of people!

And then she died. Faraday gets all weepy and it’s very touching. Anyway, Locke and the others find the Orchid. While they’re all patting each other on the back and congratulating themselves on finding it, it disappears. Heartbreaking.

Locke: Well, we’ll just have to look for the well. *snicker* See what I did there?

Miles: Shut up

To get underground, Locke will have to climb down the well. Before he goes, Jin makes him promise he won’t bring his wife back.

Locke: Yeah. Sure thing, Jin. I won’t bring Sun back.

Jin: Promise, John.

Locke: Huh? I’m too far down!

As Locke moves down the well, there’s yet another flash, and this time, the well disappears. Locke falls down a good four hundred feet, and busts his leg open. Luckily Christian Shepherd lives down there, and can probably help him out.

Christian: I’m here to help you the rest of the way.

Locke: Good! Can you please help me up?

Christian: I’m sorry, all questions must be submitted in writing. Come on over here and give this wheel a yank.

Locke: I don’t know if you saw, the bone is sticking out.

Christian: You really are a whiner, huh?

Locke stumbles around, but finally grabs hold of the wheel, and spins it around. There’s another flash

Christian: Say ‘hello’ to my son!

Locke: For all your help with my leg? Blow me.

After hemming and hawing the entire episode, Ben’s taken Jack and Sun to the person who can help them get back to the island. As they’re going inside, they meet Desmond.

Desmond: Wha’ ah the chances, mates? Let’s goo grab a pint tah celebrate. You wid’ me?

Sun: Why do we hang out with him again?

They go inside and find Eloise Hawking, who I guess is also Faraday’s mother. She looks at Ben and his friends.

Eloise: I thought I said to bring them all back.

Ben: This was all I could get on short notice.

Eloise: Alright. Let’s break these fools.

LOSTWATCH!! – “I have to make them come back.”

It’s been a long couple of days. Jack’s standing on the deck of Penny’s boat, thinking about how hard the next few are going to be when Kate sidles up next to him, a sleeping Aaron in her arms. She tells Jack that if anyone is going to believe their story when they get home, they’re going to have to say that Aaron’s her son.

Kate: Did you know Claire was going to LA to give him up for adoption?

Jack: For reals? Dude. Sucks.

Jack agrees. Before Kate heads off to bed, he tells her one last thing. Tomorrow, he’s going to have to convince everyone that they’re going to have to lie about their time on the island, and that’s not all.

Jack: We have to have sex, Kate. If we don’t, no one is going to believe us. Are you with me, Kate? Tell me you’re with me.

Kate: I’ve always been with you, Jack.

Jack: I’m glad Sawyer’s dead.

Three years later, Kate’s eating lunch with Sun in her hotel. Sun’s going to keep an eye on Aaron while Kate goes to meet with the lawyer who’s been trying to get their blood samples. Kate thanks Sun for being such a good friend.

Sun: Don’t worry, Kate. I have 100 channels on TV and lots of disgusting Korean food to keep him occupied. It’s gonna be great.

Back on the island, Charlotte is still unconscious. Daniel tries to explain what’s going on to Juliette.

Faraday: This is how her brain is reacting to the flashes. Just think of it as… really bad jet lag.

Juliette: Jet-lag? Uh-oh! Maybe we should let her sleep, you know? Can you hand me that napkin? She’s got a little schmutz.

Locke tells Sawyer that they need to head back to the Orchid station. He thinks that if he can get back there, he can figure out a way to get Jack and the others back to the island, he can fix everything that’s happened.

Locke: I have to get them back. Even if it kills me. Get it? Oh wait, nevermind.

First they’ll head back to camp, and take the zodiac around the island. A few moments later, Charlotte finally wakes up. She’s in a daze, and not sure of where she is. Daniel’s right there, by her side.

Charlotte: Who are you?

Faraday: I’m your… husband.

Charlotte: What happened?

Faraday: Nothing. Let’s snuggle.

Another jump, and we see Jack in the hospital with Sayid, pumping horse tranquilizer out of his system. He gets a phone call from Hurley, who says he’s in lockup, but safe from you-know-who.

Hurley: Don’t worry, dude. That no-good so-and-so ain’t never gonna lay his hands on me.

Jack: Hur–

Hurley: So I’m just gonna keep talking really fast so you can’t say anything and then I’ll hang up so we won’t get anything figured out and that’ll give you more crap to do in next week’s episode.

In the next room, a shady male nurse checks in on Sayid, saying he’s got some of his meds. Sayid sees through the clever ruse and goes all Jason Bourne on him. A few moments later, Jack and Ben bust in the room.

Jack: What happened?

Sayid: Sorry, doc. He’s DOA.

Everyone laughs and high-fives, but once Jack finds out the guy had a piece of paper with Kate’s address on it in his pocket, he really freaks out. Jack, Ben, and Sayid all run out to the parking lot.

Jack: Alright! I’ll go rescue Kate. Ben, you get Hurley out of lockup. Sayid, go buy some more leather jackets and walk around all pissed off. Okay? Break!

Back in the jungle, the castaways are making their way back to camp. Faraday asks Charlotte how she’s holding up.

Charlotte: Oh I’m good. Nothing like sore feet to take your mind off a brain aneurysm, amirite?

Farday: Oh! Ahahahahahaha! *cough* I mean… yeah. Totally.

Suddenly, a scream! Sawyer runs ahead to see what’s going on and finds they’ve jumped back two months, when Claire was giving birth to Kate. Seeing his lady love gets Sawyer all weepy, and makes for an awkward moment when Locke asks him what he saw.

Sawyer: Oh it don’t matter no way no how.

In the future, Jack meets up with Kate, who’s been trying to find out who’s trying to take Aaron away.

Kate: Hey, Jack. You shaved your beard.

Jack: No I didn’t! Oh, wait. Sorry. I’m still pretty high.

Kate eventually comes clean about what she’s doing, and Jack’s able to convince her to let him tag along. They tail the lawyer who tried getting the blood samples to a hotel, only to find him meeting with Claire’s mom. Once he leaves, Jack goes inside to talk to her. He says that she has every right to be upset that Kate has stolen her grandson, but maybe she could just be cool about the whole thing. Claire’s mom has no idea what he’s talking about.

Jack: What? You don’t? Wait… did I say your dead grandson? I meant me and Kate were gonna head out, grab something to eat. Well, I should be going.

The castaways come back to find the camp deserted. They discover canoes that someone’s pulled up onshore, and decide to take those around the island to get to the Orchid. They’ve just gotten under way when the mytereous strangers start shooting at them.

Charlotte: Who are they?

Sawyer: Other Others *snicker*. Get it?

Ben and Sayid are heading off to rescue Hurley. Sayid’s been burned one too many times and has trust issues, and we’re not sure if he’ll ever really be able to love again. Even though Ben says things are all cool now, he just can’t believe it. Ben has similar misgivings.

Ben: Why are you trying to rescue Hugo?

Sayid: I had to make sure he was safe.

Ben: … You know that doesn’t really answer my question, right?

The two meet with Ben’s lawyer, who has his fingers in a few different pies, and finds out that Hurley will probably be released the next day. After that, they head to the pier to meet up with Jack and Kate. Of course, Kate isn’t happy to see Ben, which sets Sayid off again. All this is being watched by Sun, who’s sitting a little ways away in her car. She looks back at Aaron and tosses him a gun.

Sun: Okay let’s do this.

Has Sun gone crazy? Will Aaron save the day? Tune in next time to find out!

LOSTWATCH!! – “Jacob sent me.”

The episode opens with Desmond, the drunken Scot, running like a drunk through some sort of ethnic flea market. Did we mention he was drunk?

Desmond: Hwahaheeey! Ah need ah doctah! Mah wife is havin’ a bay-beh! Is thea n’ary a doctah in tha’ hooooose! Wha? Five quid for peanuts? Gedouddahere!

Luckily, a doctor follows Desmond to his boat, where he finds Penny, drunk! in the midst of childbirth!

Desmond: Can ‘ye help hah, brotha?

Doctor: Ah yesh. I use, anchen’ Chinee seekaret.

Penny gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. Unfortunately, the doctor and his advanced island medicine think he’s a witch and throws him off a cliff.

Now it’s later, and Desmond has a new kid. They’re on their way to an island. A very special island, that Desmond thought he’d never see again. It’s called the Land of the Lost, and it’s filled with the biggest dinosaurs you ever imagined. As Desmond tells all this to his son, Penny comes out.

Desmond: And yah dahd’s jus’ gonna look a’roun’ for a few hours, an’ then we’ah off.

Penny: Hey kid, yer dad tell ‘ya who he’s gonna be lookin’ for? Go on, Des, tell yer son about the whore!

Desmond: Don’ worry. Mum’s jus’ had a wee bit too much to drink. Yeah? Funny mommy.

On the island, Charlotte’s not doing so hot. She has a headache, double-vision, and a burning feeling that she just can’t explain. Unfortunately, so does Faraday.

Faraday: Don’t worry. Nothing’s going to happen to you. I won’t let it. And we’re gonna get out of this, and go away together. And we’ll be happy. And, man, you’re just so pretty.

Faraday’s moment is interrupted by this big f’ing explosion, and savages armed with bows and arrows spring out of the jungle. Their leader, who’s jaw is wired shut for some reason, demands to know hhmhmhmpphmhmh.

Ellie: Whmmmaamma iss ymuh leeedddma?

Faraday: Um… what?

Ellie: Mpph!

Faraday: Huh?

Ellie: Mmmddpp!

Faraday: What?

Ellie: Bbbppmmmppppph!

Faraday: Say again?

Sawyer, Juliette, and Locke were also ambushed, but Locke would have none of it, and went all First Blood on their ass. Juliette questions them, and is surprised to find they both speak a strange, archaic language.

Brit #1: Quien son estas gentes?

Brit #2: Callete!

Before Brit #1 can give away too much information, Brit #2 snaps his neck and runs into the jungle. Locke just watches, because it’s all part of the plan. Sawyer gets so mad his giant muscles tear right through his shirt.

Sawyer: Why didn’t you shoot him?

Locke: I think you mean, WHEN didn’t I shoot him!

The Brits lead Faraday, Charlotte, and Miles to their camp, which look strangely like anOTHER (*wink*) camp we’ve seen before. They’re greeted by a familiar face. It’s Richard Alpert, who’s wondering if they’ve come back for their bomb.

Faraday: Bomb?

Richard: Yeah. The Fast and the Furious 2? HI-YO!

Faraday: That’s horrible.

Richard: I know.

Desmond’s search for Faraday’s mother has led him to Oxford. Where, strangely, there’s no record of her or Faraday ever working for the university. Desmond goes snooping around, and breaks in to Faraday’s old laboratory. All he finds is a bunch of boxed up equipped, and garbage bags full of freeze-dried hamsters. A janitor catches him snooping around. When Desmond asks what he could do to keep this whole thing quiet, the janitor gets a wicked look on his face.

Janitor: You and me, in my tool shed. Fifteen minutes, no rules.

So it turns out that whoever was on the island before Richard and his band of merry englishmen left a hydrogen bomb. The housing’s cracked, and Richard has no idea what to do with it. Well, Faraday’s a scientist, and he’ll get rid of it! Richard asks him how he can trust him. Faraday looks longingly at Charlotte.

Faraday: Well, there’s this girl. And she’s very special. And I would never do anything to hurt her. And the only hydrogen bomb going off, is the one in my heart.

Charlotte: Oh holy hell.

Outside, Brit#2 has come back to camp. Richard is none too pleased. What if his captors followed him back?

Brit #2: WTF, mate? You think that old buggah knows this island bettah’ than me?

Locke: Hey, guys.

Brit #2: Dammit!

Richard: Smooth move… Widmore!

Locke: *gasp*

Locke and Richard go off to talk. Locke tells him that he’s their leader, and he needs to know how to get off the island. Richard’s confused. If Locke is their leader, why would he want to leave the island.

Locke: Uhhh… um. Oh no! Another flash is coming! Scary! Tell me before it’s too late!

Richard: Bull. S**t.

Ellie leads Faraday to the bomb. He goes over it carefully and sees where the housing has cracked open. He runs over.

Faraday: Hurry, we need to bury this thing!

Ellie: Huh? The two of us?

Faraday: Yeah, we’ll bury it right behind you!

Ellie: Wha?

Sawyer: Ha!

Sawyer jumps up and smashes her in the face, and we can only hope she died. As they make their way back to the Other’s camp, there’s another flash, and the camp disappears.

Faraday: Charlotte!

As Charlotte spins around, blood gushes out of her nose and she passes out. Faraday rushes over and hugs her limp body.

Faraday: She loves me too.

After a long day of searching, Desmond comes back to his boat empty handed. Penny looks concerned.

Penny: And?

Desmond: Uh, Faraday’s mum is dead. Oh, I saw yah fahtha’.

Penny: What? Why didn’t you write anything aboot that?

Desmond: Meh.

Stay tuned for another LOSTWATCH!! coming soon!

LOSTWATCH!! – “Oh yeah. Libby says ‘hi.’”

Jack, Kate, and the rest of the Oceanic Six are sunning themselves on the upper deck of Penny Widmore’s yacht, weaving the delicate web of lies they’re going to have to put out there once they make it back to civilization. Jack goes around the circle, making sure everyone is in agreement, but Hurley’s having reservations.

Hurley: Lying’s not cool, dude.

Jack: You know what, dude? You’re really harshin’ everyone’s mellow here.

Not now, but three years in the future, Hurley and Sayid are racing down the street when they’re pulled over by a cop. But this isn’t just any cop. It’s Anna-Lucia, who, in one of Lost’s more awesome moments, was shot and killed in season 2. It was good. It was right. But now she’s back. And she comes around to Hurley’s window and stares at him with those big, terrible, Frankenstein eyes. And we don’t hear what she’s saying because we’re wondering if it’s normal for a woman’s eyebrows to be that thick. And then Libby says hi and oh good it’s over.

On the island, Faraday’s finally made his way back to camp. Sawyer’s always ready with a witty retort. But this time, his nicknames go too far.

Sawyer: Welcome back, Dr. Wizard.

Miles: I think it’s Mr. Wizard.

Sawyer: Nobody’s talkin’ to you, slant-eyes.

Miles: Are you f**king KIDDING me?!

Sawyer: Well, I mean, eehehehehe. What I meant was…

Everyone just kind of walks away. This show has taken a serious wrong turn somewhere.

Back in L.A., Hurley’s stopped at a Love’s truck stop to pick up some clean clothes. He comes out with a pair of Carhartts and the first season of Ice Road Truckers on DVD. And then he eats at the Shoney’s inside. Those places just smell like garbage.

At the hotel, Ben unscrews an air vent where he’s hidden the maltese falcon. Jack comes out of the bathroom, digging through his pockets.

Jack: Umm. Ben, have you seen my medicinal cocaine? I have it for, like, headaches. And my cocaine addiction.

Ben: Get your stuff, Jack. We’re leaving.

Jack: Where are we going?

Ben: You’re going home.

Jack: Where are you going?

Ben: Where do you think? I’m getting rid of that rotting corpse in my van. It’s been like three days, and we’re in California. Maggots are having babies in his eyes.

Jack: Dammit, Ben. Why do you have to say it like that?

Elsewhere, Hurley’s dad is making himself a sandwich when the doorbell rings. He comes to the door.

Hurley’s dad: Who is it?

Hurley: Dad? It’s me. Hurley.

Hurley’s dad: Hurley’s not home, man. Just kidding. WTF, son? Who’s the terrorist? Haha, I got jokes!

Hurley tells his dad about the safe house, and asks if they can hide out for a few days. His dad knows that he’s escaped from a mental institution and probably killed three people, but they can totally crash with them. A couple of minutes later, Hurley’s mom walks in and asks, “Hoogo, what is this terrorista on my houch?” They’re so Spanish.

To get rid of Locke’s body, Ben goes to see the Wolf, who says he can take care of it as long as Ben can keep his spurs from jingling and jangling. Quentin Tarantino tells him he looks like a dork and then they all take a picture together.

The castaways on the island have been trying to start a fire all day to cook all the food they don’t have anymore. Neil, who before crashing on the island, had a very successful career chasing tornadoes with Helen Hunt, freaking out.

Rose: Why don’t you chill out, jive muthafu**a.

Neil: No, Rose. I will not chill out. We’re stuck. We have no food. When I smile you see way too much of my gums. And Bernard here can’t even make a FIIIIIIIYYYYYYYYEEEE!

In a very unfortunate twist of irony, Neil is shot with a flaming arrow. Then, at his funeral, nobody showed up, except for Rose. Even though they fought all the time, they were best friends. More irony. Anyway, everyone scatters into the jungle as flaming arrows rain down on the beach.

Kate’s visiting Sun, who’s in L.A. for some sinister reason. Kate tells her that someone knows Aaron isn’t really her child, and that they’re trying to take him away.

Sun: Are you going to do anything about it?

Kate: Of course! What kind of person do you think I am?.

Sun: What kind of person? Well, the sort of person who can make hard decisions. Like the time you told me to get on the helicopter, so that you could go get Jin.

Kate: And it begins! You always pull this shit, Sun. “My poor husband who got blown up.” I don’t know why I put up with it.

Hurley’s asked Jack to take care of Sayid, who’s still passed out from the poison dart. As they’re loading him into Jack’s jeep, he pauses.

Hurley’s dad: Dr. Shepherd?

Jack: (out of breath) Yeah?

Hurley’s dad: After we’re done here, can I still be in a couple of episodes? Ever since they canceled Nash Bridges, I got nothin’, man.

Jack’s able to get Sayid back to the hospital and wake him up. Things have changed in the three years since they got off the island, and Sayid isn’t very happy to see him. See, Jack’s a drug addict posing as a doctor, and Sayid is a former member of the Republican Guard. You bet they don’t get along! And what’s worse, they were both charged with disorderly conduct after getting into a fight a couple of years back, and a judge ordered them to move in together. Can you imagine all the nutty situations they’ll get into? Well, you won’t have to, because their new sitcom will be airing this Fall on ABC.

Ben goes to see Hurley, and tells him that he needs to come back to the island. Hurley looks right into the camera and says, “I feel so… Lost?” *wink* I’m really starting to hate this show.

The crowd of fleeing castaways has thinned out a bit, and now Sawyer and Juliet are all alone, sneaking through the underbrush. Suddenly, they’re bushwhacked by a group of British soldiers. They tie up Sawyer and are going to do all sort of disgusting shit to Juliette when a knife flies out of the jungle, catching one of the soldiers in the neck. Sawyer busts through his ropes and his shirt and takes the rest of them out. He and Juliette peer into the jungle. Locke mozies out, pulls his knife from the dead soldier’s body, and cleans it on his pants. He smiles at the other two.

Locke: The hunt. Begins.

Ben visits a church that has a laboratory in the basement for some reason. I bet they’re about to answer all sorts of questions for us. Hey! It’s that chick you took Desmond in the Way Back Machine from season 3.

Ben: I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get them all.

Eloise: Well, then. I guess we’ll have to go to the OTHER island.

Okay. I really hate this show now.