Move It Move It

Jack was up all night drinking, and now he’s stumbling around making a fool of himself in front of everyone. Juliette tries calming him down, but it’s no use. He pushes her off and tries to catch his breath.

Jack: Jussasecon, jussasecon… Guys… umm, you know, like, we’re gonna get off the island. ‘Cause, I love you guys so much… an-and… *cries*

Juliette puts him to bed. She tells Kate that he’s had a lot to drink and that they might need to remove his liver. Kate tells her that it’s his appendix that needs to be removed, and that she’s an idiot and should stick to pediatrics.

In the future (!) Jack’s walking around naked in his big, expensive house. He checks himself out in a mirror and towels off his love-handles before jumping in the shower with Kate (yes!). Later, Kate walks around looking hot in one of Jack’s doctor shirts. Then they make out. I’m sure we all have jobs as fulfilling as Matthew Fox’s.

On the beach, Bernard is getting ready to throw down on Faraday and Charlotte. Faraday says that all they ever wanted was to help, but Charlotte tells him not waste his breath.

Charlotte: It’s pointless Daniel. We’ve been tried and convicted in the court of public opinion. *snicker*

Daniel: Charlotte, why don’t you just shut the f**k up, ‘kay?

Juliette breaks things up and tells everyone that Jack needs his appendix removed. Kate throws up her hands and walks away. Juliette says she’s going to need someone to go to the medical station to get a few supplies. Eager to show what a great guy he is, Faraday says that he and Charlotte will go. Juliette likes the cut of his jib, but doesn’t know if she can trust him. She hands Jin her gun and says to put them down if they try anything funny. Jin takes a look at the gun and says it’s the coolest ninja star he’s ever seen.

Jin and friends head off to the medical station and Juliette gives Jack a sponge bath. “You know what would be awesome?” he asks. “If you were Kate. Hey, have you ever performed an appendectomy?” “Sure I have,” Juliette answers. Jack winces. “Then why are you shaving those?”

In the future (!), Jack gets a call from the FBI’s Behavioral Science Unit and asked if he could give a little insight on a case they’ve been working. Jack agrees and heads over to the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane. Inside, a kindly old guard tells him, “Past the others. It’s the last cell. Stay to the middle. I put out a chair for you.” As Jack reaches the end of the hallway, he’s waiting for him. Like he knew he was coming.

Jack: Dr. Lecter.

Lecter: You’re worried, Jack. Worried that you’ve made the wrong choice. Worried that you’ve let down those who depend on you the most. It haunts you, Jack. I myself am also haunted. Our old friend, Charlie. He gave me a message, for you. Before the night is over, you will be visited by three ghosts.

Jack: Humbug!

Jack runs home and proposes to Kate, and man, it’s just awesome. Because, they’re so great, and just… man I wish I were on Lost!

At the medical station, Sun looks a little upset. When Jin asks her what’s the matter, she tells him that the baby’s kicking. Jin’s surprised. “You’re pregnant? What do you weigh, like fifty pounds?” After they get back to the beach, he corners Charlotte.

Jin: Now you risten, and risten good. I break all you finga — LOL I’m sorry I couldn’t resist. But seriously, you get Sun off this island, or I’m gonna f**k you up.

Charlotte: Could my forehead get any bigger?

Jin: What?

Juliette starts operating. “This is just like MASH,” she says. “I’m Hawkeye. Bernard, you’re Alan Alda. Jin’s Charlie. Get it?” Bernard looks over at her. “You know everybody hates you, right?”

Back at the hospital, where the only prerequisite to working there is that you look good in a white lab coat, Jack’s studying an x-ray when he hears a strange noise outside his office. Slowly, he creeps into the lobby. That’s when he sees him.

Jack: Wilfred Brimley?

One of Jack’s attractive doctor friends sneaks up on him. She asks if he’s feeling alright. Jack tells her that he’s totally cool, but wonders if she’d write him a prescription for cocaine. “Oh yeah, man. No worries.” She pulls out her doctor pad and scribbles something. They stand there for a minute. “Hey,” Jack asks. “How do you think I’d look in a beard?”

Kate walks in on Juliette and an unconscious Jack in the hospital tent. Juliette jumps up and hides something.

Juliette: Oh dammit! Kate. You scared the bejeezus out of me.

Kate: Juliette, what were you doing?

Juliette: What? Nothing. What? Jack said he loves you. I gotta go.

In the future (!), Kate comes home to find Jack asleep at his desk. He snaps awake and asks her where she’s been. When she won’t tell him, he chases her around and throws bowling balls at her.

Kate: Jack, I can’t have you acting like this around my son!

Jack: Kate, he’s just an orphan from a basket in the middle of the desert! Just a bastard in a basket!

As Kate picks up Aaron and storms off, their butler comes in.

Butler: Mr. Jack?

Jack: I’m finished!

**LOSTWATCH!! will return in three weeks (ZOMG *dies*). The wife and I are headed to Europe, and I hear they don’t even have TV over there!

And we’re back! Last night we saw Indiana Linus and his ethnic friend Short Round on a dangerous trek through the sun-drenched Sahara Desert. Suddenly, they’re confronted by two nasty-looking Bedouin. Slowly reaching behind him, Ben asks, “What’s your favorite song? Mine’s ‘Whip It’!” In a flash he uncoils his whip (pun) and whips his two would-be attackers. One of their heads pops right off. The other yells, “It’s 1935! I don’t get that reference!”

Short Round: Haha Dakka Ben! You may doze bah’men pay!

Ben: That’s right, kid. Let’s get out of here.

They both ride off on horses.

On the island, Kate spies Jack out of the corner of her eye and nonchalantly shows off a little extra skin, because if a girl’s got it, she has to flaunt it. Jack’s even more out of breath than usual and doesn’t notice. Kate follows him inside a tent, where’s he rummaging through their remaining store of precious medicine.

Kate: Jack, is the helicopter ever coming back? Oops, my shirt fell off.

Their tryst is short-lived, because Bernard’s found a dead body in the water. It’s Doctor Ray, from the freighter. Daniel would love to call the freighter and get some answers, if only the sat phone were working.

Back in New Otherton, Locke, Sawyer and Hurley are under vicious attack, right? No! They’re just sittin’ around, playing a game of Monopoly. Locke smiles and says, “You sunk my battleship!” Sawyer pats him on the head and tells Hurley that grandpa needs his meds upped. Suddenly, the phone rings. When they pick it up, a computerized voice asks if they’d be interested in long-distance savings. Locke nods and answers, “Yes. Very interested.”

The Losties find Ben playing the piano. When they ask him what the crazy phone call was all about, he goes totally batsh*t. “WHAT?!” he screams. He jumps up and starts barricading the doors. “Sawyer, take this shotgun! Locke, there’s a C90-CR-BK rocket launcher inside the piano! Hurley, Aaron’s dead weight. You’ll have to eat him.” Sawyer needs someone to love and with Kate in Camp Jack, he runs off to rescue Claire.

The Tremors begin their attack on the camp, running out of the bushes with flares in their hands. An unsuspecting castaway is shot. “Hey!” another castaway yells before being shot. “Wha?” another castaway yells before being shot. “I’m shot!” another castaway yells before being shot.

Things are blowing up, unsuspecting castaways are being shot, and there’s Jeeves Tremor, holding a gun to Alex’s head. Ben tries to play it cool and is all like, “Whatevs,” until Jeeves really shoots her, then his big old bug eyes pop right the hell out of his head. Ben calls down the thunder. Lostzilla roars through the jungle and falls on the freighter folk, who are super freaked once they realize their guns can’t shoot clouds.

Once the excitement has died down, Ben tells Locke that they need to find Jacob. Sawyer’s fed up and says he and Claire are heading back to the beach. A fight breaks out over who gets custody of Hurley, and before you know it everyone has a gun pointed at someone’s head. Locke is like, “Hey!” and Sawyer is like, “Hey yourself!” and Mr. Orange is like, “He f**king shot me, Larry!” In the end, Hurley goes with Locke and Ben.

On the island, Faraday has concocted a plan to get the satellite phone working again. He says that at exactly 10:04 pm, lightning will strike the clock tower, providing the 1.21 gigawatt charge they need to recharge the phone. A moment later they answer back.

Jack: Are they coming for us?

Daniel: Hey, relax guy. Look over there.

Angry and out of breath, Jack grabs Daniel by that chicken neck of his and tells him he doesn’t want to see him when he gets angry.

Ben’s travels have led him to a dark hotel room. As he creeps inside, he whispers, “Charles?” A moment later…

Charles: Hello, old friend.

Ben: Quid pro quo, Charles. You killed my daughter, now I’m going to kill yours.

Charles: I feel nothing but pity for anyone who goes to that school looking for trouble.

Ben: Wait… What?

It’s the wrong Charles. Ben apologizes and leaves.

Next week: The race is on for who will control the island. Be there as the Queen herself throws the checkered flag!

Lost fans were blindsided tonight, as it was FINALLY revealed that Ben’s mysterious informant on the freighter was in fact Michael, the punk who sold out his friends to escape the island, but not before shooting both Libby, who we loved, and Anna Lucia, who we immediately forgave him for. Ben told Michael that if he followed an exact compass heading, he’d eventually find America. The exact details of that fateful trip are still unknown. All we see is the aftermath inside…

… the name on the street for the Oswald State Correctional Facility.

Lies. Regret. Michael lies in his cell asking himself how he got to this point. He’s let down his friends, but more importantly, his family. Now Walt’s joined the Homeboys and won’t talk to him. Michael goes to McManus and asks if he can visit his son in the Hole. McManus tells him that he’s tired of his crap, but that he hasn’t given up on him yet, and no, he can’t visit Walt. As Michael leaves, he takes one last look back, and can just spy his son watching him. Malcolm David Kelly’s age has gotten to be a problem in recent years, but at least it can’t get any worse.

Michael’s about to hit the gym with Beecher when McManus tells him he’s got a visitor. It’s Tom, who’s uncharacteristically light in the loafers.

Michael: You! What do you want?

Tom: Oh hey Tom, how are you? How’sth the island? Oh great Michael, thanksth.

Michael: How did you find me?

Tom: LOL. We let you go sthilly-buns. Did you seriously think we wouldn’t be keeping tabsth? ^__^

Tom tells Michael about the fake Flight 815 wreckage and says that he’s got one chance at getting out of Oz alive. Infiltrate Charles Widmore’s boat, which is getting ready to set sail for Lost island. Michael agrees, but he doesn’t like it. Tom stages a prison riot and Michael escapes through one of Busmalis’s tunnels. When we see him again he’s no longer Michael Dawson but mild-mannered deckhand Kevin Johnson. When he gets to the freighter, Naomi tells him he’s got a package the lads have just unloaded off the lorrie. It’s from Tom. “Wait a day or two before opening it,” he says. “Until then, enjoy Fiji. I spent a week there one night, if you catch me.” When Michael finally opens the package he finds enough C4 to kill everyone on the ship ten times before they hit the ground. He takes the bomb down to the engine room, sets it up, and…

Ever since Oz, Michael’s been so wound up. This was Tom’s way of telling him to relax. He’s on a boat in the middle of the south Pacific, for Heaven’s sake. He should enjoy himself. Michael laughs and decides to hit the shuffleboard court. He goes up top, where he finds the Tremor brothers shooting things with semi-automatic weapons.

Michael: Hey fellas, I thought this was a rescue mission.

Jeeves: Don’t you have something to mop?

Michael: What?! I ain’t your damn field ******. You lucky ’cause I’m gonna let that one slide.

Fast-forward to the engine room, where Micheal has been telling this entire story to Sayid and Desmond. Sayid is royally pissed and drags Michael by the scruff of his neck up to House’s office, where he tells the doc that “Kevin Johnson” isn’t “Kevin Johnson” at all! He’s Michael Johns– I mean Dawson! Michael just stands there all like, “Dude, shhhut up.” House sits back and twirls his cane before saying, “Intracranial berry aneurysm.” Sayid doesn’t understand. “It’s what killed Minkowski.” House pops a vicodin then heads over to Cuddy’s office.

Back on the island, John calls a Family Council and tells the kids that he’s sorry he’s been so crazy at work lately, and that no, he and their mother aren’t getting a divorce. Ben uses this opportunity to tell Alex that people are coming to the island and everyone is going to die, and because she’s his daughter, she’s sure to suffer more than anyone else. He tells her to take Carl and go to the Temple, which is right next to Space Mountain inside Tomorrowland. She’ll be safe there. Rousseau is cool with it, but asks if there will be any time to stop and build traps.

On their way, they stop at a concession stand to buy a funnel cake. Carl tells Alex, “Look babe, don’t ever forget — brrbbbllleb!” just as a bullet rips right through his neck, tearing it apart just like a stick of butter would be ripped apart by a bullet. Rousseau looks up from her trap and yells, “It’s a trap!” before being shot herself. With her last breath, she tells Alex to run as fast as she can, to which Alex replies, “I surrender!”

And before we knew it, it was over. Five weeks until the next new episode. It sucks, but is still better than the seven months we’ll have to wait before the start of season 5. We’re down, but not out, so stay tuned to this space for more new (and maybe not so new, *wink*) editions of LOSTWATCH!!.

“We now go to Brian Fantana, with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian.”

Pandawatch! Moods are tense as Lost fans everywhere begin the slow recovery process from one of the biggest mindf***s in the show’s impressive twenty year run. Jin, dead somehow. Sun, dating Hurley. We’ve seen flashbacks and we’ve seen flashforwards, but never before have we been so thoroughly and painfully double-teamed. One has to wonder, did Hurley kill Jin in an attempt to steal his wife? Is Hurley really the father of Sun’s newborn daughter? Is Jin one of the Oceanic Six? Why am I still so confused? Thanks for nothing, Lost jerks!

“Great story, Brian. Compelling, and rich.”

And now, LOSTWATCH!!

On the freighter, Desmond and Sayid have been left to rot inside their room, passing the time any way they can.

Sayid: Okay, if you were trapped on a desert island–

Desmond: Shut up.

After a few days, Dr. Ray tells them the captain wants to see them. Just who is the captain, you ask? None other than House MD. He pulls his usual tricks, but is more forthcoming than you’d think.

Desmond: Who’s boot is this, brutha?

House: It belongs to one Charles Widmore. Don’t worry, he didn’t come out here looking for you. Now get over to Minkowski’s house and see if you can find anything strange under his sink or in the toolshed out back.

House twirls his cane and passes out from taking too many Vicodin. A nice enough fellow perhaps, but Sayid and Desmond are still unsure what to think, because of a mysterious note that was passed to them during homeroom.

Dr. Ray takes them to their room, and this is where things get awesome. We’ve been waiting for weeks to find out who Ben’s man on the boat is. Fans everywhere had their theories. Subtle hints were dropped. Those who listen to the Official LOST Podcast knew that this week we’d finally get answers. Dr. Ray shows Sayid and Desmond their room, which looks like something out of Silent Hill. Noticing a big, disgusting blood stain on the wall, he calls for a lone figure mopping the floor at the far end of the hallway.

Ray: Hey Dawson, I mean, Johnson, get over here. Clean up all this blood that’s mysteriously smeared around for some reason.

Michael: Oh, right away massah. I clean it up right nice fo’yuh.

Ray: Well, I didn’t mean–

Michael: I know what you meant. Get the hell out of my face, stupid cracker. I’m goin’ up top.

Unfortunately, the identity of Ben’s spy remains unknown. As does almost everything else about the freighter.

Back on the island, since nobody’s being shot at or chased or beaten, the castaways are catching up on some much needed R&R. All except Sun and Jin, that is. With the possibility of rescue becoming more and more unlikely, they’ve decided to defect to Locke’s camp on Snake Mountain. Juliet, who just wants everyone to like her, will have none of it. She begs and pleads with Sun to stay, telling her that if she leaves, her and her unborn child won’t survive. Sun tells Juliette to get bent, and that she could never make Jack as happy as Kate could. To get back at her, Juliette tells Jin about the time Sun was totally schlepping around behind his back, and Sun is all standing there, and Juliette is like, “That’s how I roll.” And right then, Bernard runs into the middle of things and says, “Hey Sun, I overheard something about you cheating… on… Jin…? Oooooh, sorryyyy.” Of course, Jin is a better man than I am and totally forgives her, lending credence to the theory that Asian people are better than everyone.

Man, we sure did have some fun this episode, didn’t we? Yeah, we did. So let’s ruin it all in the last five minutes. Sun, her new daughter, and Hurley go to a cemetery to visit who? Jin. Who’s dead. Not really sure what happened after that, because I couldn’t hear the TV over my crying. Why did Jin have to die? Will Sun recover? Will I recover? Will Hurley have to wait long before putting the moves on Sun? Dry your eyes, and join us next week for LOSTWATCH!!

Hello, and welcome to Tales of Ribaldry! I’m your host, Evelyn Quince. Tonight, we have a particularly randy tale of a philandering chemical engineer who finds himself under the care of a wanton fertility doctor. Will she use her powders and elixirs to restore his health? Methinks he may require medicine of a different sort! Let’s watch!

Juliette: Oh excuse me! Excuse me! Sir?

Goodwin: Hello doctor. Apologies. I thought I was alone.

Juliette: Oh my, you’ve hurt yourself. Look. Your arm is red and swollen.

Goodwin: I must be in need of medical attention. I’m beginning to notice another swelling of the extremities as we speak.

Juliette: Oh my!

Oooh! I’m blushing like a schoolgirl! Imagine, the doctor, isolated and alone on a mysterious island. Desperate for affection, she turns to the able-bodied chemical engineer. Will they set out to solve the island’s mysteries together, or will they be content investigating the mysteries of the flesh? Such passion! Such excitement! Such delightful debauchery!

Juliette: Oh Goodwin, won’t you join me for a swim?

Goodwin: In a moment, love. Come. Have a glass of wine.

Juliette: Ahh, the perfect day! Made all the more perfect by the absence of your wife! Haha!

Goodwin: Haha!

Such delicious infidelity! But this episode does beg the question, where, pray tell, is the engineer’s therapist wife? Out making house calls while her husband undergoes therapy of another sort? Oh the rrribaldry is almost too much to bear!

Harper: I know what you’ve done, Juliette! Sleeping with my husband like some common trollop!

Juliette: Why so surprised? Rather than go wanting, your husband sought satisfaction with me! ‘Twas no fault of my own.

Harper: Harlot!

Rrrreeeeeerrrrrrr! Hssssss! Of course, the most ribald tales involve not only another woman, but another man as well. Slighted by his friend, he pines for his love, and plots his revenge! Deliciously dangerous? Indeeed!

Ben: You are mine, Juliette! You belong to me!

Juliette: Wrong Benjamin. I am a woman, and belong to no man. Besides, I belong to Goodwin!

Ben: I’m afraid your tawdry affair with the late Master Goodwin is quite at an end.

Juliette: The late Goodwin? What do you mean?

Ben: Don’t you know? He was run through… by my own sword!

What? This won’t do at all. Our bawdy tale has been transformed into one of murder and villainy! Hmmph! No matter. Join me next week when our tale will be that of Desmond Hume and the Nobelman’s Daughter. The Scotsman’s erotic adventure definitely proves that old Scottish dictum, ‘empty barrels make the most noise’! How delightfully suggestive! I can hardly wait! Until then, I’m Evelyn Quince. Goodbye everybody, goodbye!

We catch up with Desmond and Sayid tonight, who have been flying around the Pacific for two weeks looking for the boaties’ freighter. On their way, a wicked storm brews up. With lightning flashing all around them, Captain Ron figures the safe thing to do is to “ride the snake, man” all the way to the boat. He’s wrong though. There’s a flash of lightning, and Desmond quantum leaps eight years in the past, during his stint with the Royal Scots. When he leaps back, he’s lost all memory of where and who he is. Although he still remembers who he is. Captain Ron is barely able to wrestle the helicopter back onto the freighter’s helipad. They’re met by the guy from Smokin’ Aces, who gets Desmond to stop screaming long enough to convince him that he needs to be locked in the sickbay. During all this, Desmond keeps leaping back to his army days. His bush-league behavior is really pissing off the sarge, who asks Desmond what his major malfunction is.

On the island, Jack and Juliette pay a visit to Daniel and Charlotte. Jack, out of breath, demands to know why they haven’t heard from Sayid and Desmond, who’ve been gone, like, forever. Daniel and Charlotte exchange awkward glances. Daniel kicks some sand around, then alludes cryptically to some… thing, that may or may not be coming to kill them all. Charlotte is all, like, “Shhhh!” and Daniel tells her not to boss him. He tells Jack that the way people experience time on the island may not be the way people experience time off the island. He says that if Cap’n Ron didn’t follow the exact bearing out that they flew in on, the people on the helicopter could suffer “horrible side effects,” but that he shouldn’t worry about all the secrets they’re keeping. I mean, look at this island. Beautiful, right? Why worry about anything? Jack and Juliette agree, then go off and enjoy each other’s company somewhere.

Sayid and Desmond, on the other hand, aren’t happy to take all this sitting down. Sayid gets Captain Ron to lend him his iPhone under penalty of torture and calls Faraday on the island. After Desmond explains his time jumps, Daniel tells him to travel to Oxford University and find his younger self, who will be able to help somehow. Desmond instead travels to Hogwarts, but finds Daniel anyway. He introduces himself as a visitor from the World of Tomorrow! Daniel doesn’t believe a word of it and storms off, telling Desmond, “Beat it kid. I’m working here.” Desmond expected as much, and so tells past-Daniel a personal story future-Daniel said to use if his past-self didn’t believe him. Daniel was hanging a clock over his toilet. He slipped, hit his head on the sink, and when he woke up drew the first plans for the flux capacitor, which is what makes time travel possible. Daniel is stunned, and quickly agrees to help Desmond get his parents back together at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance.

Faraday takes Desmond to his office and shows him a time machine he’s built out of an industrial blow-dryer. He says that he hasn’t actually sent anything back through time yet, but that PETA is bringing him up on ethics charges. Although his time machine doesn’t really work, he had a feeling that if it did, there’s a teensy possibility that Desmond could die if he travels back and forth too much. To prevent spontaneous death, Desmond needs a “constant”, something familiar in the past and the future that will anchor him down, whatever that means. It’s Lost, and even though it doesn’t always make sense we love it and will follow it straight into the gaping jaws of Hell, so we’ll forgive it it’s flaws.

Desmond realizes the only thing familiar to him in both the past and the future is Penny. In the past, Penny is still hurting from their break-up and Desmond has to go into stalker-mode trying to track her down. He finds her father at an auction, bidding on the diary from one of the officers of the Black Pearl Rock. He gives Desmond Penny’s new address and doesn’t even act like a dick or anything. No one’s paying attention to any of this because we’re all talking about the Black Rock. When Desmond finally finds Penny, she ain’t having none of that and almost slams the door in his face. Desmond begs her for her phone number, saying that he’ll call her in exactly eight years. Penny finally gives it to him, but the emotion is just too much for her.

Back on the freighter, Bobcat Goldthwait, the ship’s communications officer and another leaper, has also been trapped in sickbay. He convinces Desmond and Sayid to untie him before they make their escape. They’ll find the captain, steal his hat, and whomp him good! Sayid says he’d rather go the communications room. Bobcat says it’s all good in the hood, as long as he’s untied. They make it to the communications room just in time for Bobcat to die. Sayid can’t be bothered with any of that though. The ship’s radio system is all busted to Hell and he’s busy jerry-rigging a phone from tin cans and coconuts. It all works somehow and Desmond is able to call Penny, exactly eight years later. Penny tells Desmond that his phone call truly is a Christmas miracle. They tell each other that they’ll never ever let anything separate them, ever. Right before the coconut phone dies, Desmond remembers that he’s stuck on Mystery Island in the fifth dimension and if his chronic time-traveling doesn’t kill him, some other crazy-ass thing probably will. S**t.

On the island, Faraday is looking through an old journal. He flips to an entry that reads, “Find the jade monkey before the next full moon.” Then he flips to another one that says, “If anything go wrong, Desmond Hume will be my constant.” It’s possible that this is some veiled homosexual reference. It’s all a rich tapestry, and we’ll be on the edge of our seats until next week’s episode, and next week’s LOSTWATCH!!.

Tonight’s episode starts off in New Otherton. Locke has thrown in the towel with all his mystical Jacob’s cabin mumbo jumbo and opened up a bed and breakfast. Satisfied with this new direction his life has taken, he makes Ben an omelet. Ben, on the other hand, is none too pleased. He throws John’s omelet against the wall and tells him he wants a ham sammich. John has a few questions about the island, which Ben refuses to answer. Surprisingly, not all of the island’s secrets were revealed tonight.

Later, Kate comes to Locke and asks to see Miles, who Locke has “locke”d up in a chicken coop. Locke tells her that it’s the dawning of a new age and declares himself High Chancellor of New Otherton. But hope is not lost. Kate is able to trick Hurley into revealing where Miles is hidden. Hurley tells Kate that she “Scooby-Doo’ed” him. Not exactly sure what that means, but it sounds sexual.

In tonight’s flash-forward, we see that Kate has finally been called to account for all that stuff she did before the crash. This is where the story gets crazy. In a surprising twist, Kate tells her lawyer that she doesn’t want her son in the courtroom. This begs the question, just who is Kate’s lawyer? Fret not though, because the surprise her lawyer has up his sleeve is better than ten Super Bowls! In a surprising twist, he calls future-Jack to the stand as a character witness. Jack goes on to recount what happened that fateful day in September 2004. Oceanic flight 815 crashed in the ocean? Only eight of them survived? Kate rescued Jack and nursed him back to health? Jack doesn’t love Kate? What is this? All will be explained later, in a surprising twist.

Kate talks to Miles, who says he’ll answer all of her questions if she’ll get him a minute of face time with Ben. Kate agrees, and gets Sawyer to distract Locke with a game Dance Dance Revolution. Miles tells Ben that the people he works for really want to find him. Like, they really REALLY want to find him. Miles is willing to tell them that one Benjamin Linus died if he will agree to give him a million-bajillion dollars. Ben squints through the one eye that isn’t swollen and is like, “Dude, WTF?” but ultimately agrees. Once Locke finds out what Kate has done, he votes her off the island, using his inherit powers as High Chancellor.

Back on the beach, Daniel and Charlotte are playing Three-card Monte. Daniel can’t remember the cards Charlotte has laid down, and this is distressing for some reason. Jack and Juliette come up, and after Jack catches his breath, he asks why he can’t get in touch with anyone on their boat. Charlotte calls an emergency number to ask about Sayid and Desmond. Regina (their confederate on the boat) says they never showed up! Will the craziness ever stop? The show has to end sometime, I guess.

Miles, safely tied back up, is paid a visit by Locke. He’s pretty pissed that there are all these people walking around not answering any of his questions. He shoves a grenade in Miles’ mouth, says “C’est la vie, beetches,” and takes off. Miles mumbles incoherently.

In the future, Kate’s lawyer is able to strike a deal and get her off with only a slap on the wrist, showing the inherent flaws in the US legal system. On her way out of the courthouse she’s met by Jack. He tells her that he loves her, that he’s always loved her, and that she makes him a complete person. Kate’s only interested if Jack can settle down and be a good baby’s daddy. Jack, in typical make fashion, tells Kate that he has this thing he has to go to, but he has her e-mail address, and that he’ll shoot her a line sometime this weekend. Kate gets in a cab and takes off.

On the island, things are getting awesome. Before heading back to the beach, Kate pays a visit to a bare-chested Sawyer, who’s just chillin’, reading a copy of the Kama Sutra he “found lying around”. The rest of the episode? Porno porno porno! It took three years, but it was better than we ever could have imagined. In a deleted scene, Hurley (also shirtless) comes out of the bathroom and says, “Alright let’s do this,” then proceeds to Scooby-Doo them both.

NOW, the kicker. In the future, Kate goes home to her son (who was alluded to earlier). Our first glimpse of him reveals blond hair! Sawyer’s the father! But wait, the baby’s really cute! Jack’s the father! “Hi mommy,” he says, to which Kate replies, “Aaron, you so crazy.”

Bwaah? What happens to Clair?(!) Her impending doom lends credence to the theory that all attractive women on the island die in some way. Or it’s entirely possible she’ll show up in the next episode and tell Kate that she’s sorry her pilates class ran so long. Of course, for answers to our questions, we’ll have to wait another week. I give tonight’s episode an A++. Compelling, and rich.

The WTF’s are flying hot and heavy this week, so let’s get right down to the nitty-gritty. We learn right at the start of tonight’s episode that Sayid is the fourth member of the Oceanic Six. The airline company has given him a large cash settlement, which he’s obviously put to good use. He’s bumming around Europe, eating in expensive restaurants, wearing expensive clothes, and capping people who cramp his golf game.

On the island, Sayid strikes a deal with Captain Ron, true as the North Star. He’ll bring him the head of Colonel Montoya Charlotte, in exchange for a helicopter ride off the island. Captain Ron agrees, but lets Sayid know that the Curse won’t be lifted until they’ve found the rest of Cortez’s gold. Sayid sets out with Kate and Miles to track down Locke and his Merry Band of Christians.

Slowly, we’re learning more of the island’s mysteries. It turns out that Daniel, who’s real name is Ray Stanz, is a Ghostbuster. He sets up a small experiment in the hopes that, if he’s successful, the university won’t cut off Dr. Spengler’s funding and they can continue their studies into the paranormal. Daniel radios one of his confederates on the freighter and tells her to “launch the payload.” She fires something, and counts down as it closes in on it’s target. The problem is, it never gets there. At least not for another thirty minutes, or something. It’s not really clear. In any case, all this lends more credence to theories saying that time on Lost Island and time in the real world aren’t necessarily one in the same.

Sayid and company make it to New Otherton, only to find Hurley tied up in a closet. Hurley tells them that Locke got sick of all the lip he was giving him, so they tied him up and left him there. Sayid is really gullible and falls for the whole thing. Smart move, right? WRONG. It was ALL a trick. Locke sneaks up on everybody, then throws Sayid in the Other’s rec-room with Ben. Ben looks pathetic and asks Sayid not to hit him.

In the future, Sayid has met a woman named Elsa, who’s job is just as mysterious as his. She tells him her employer is an economist, and that one day, he’ll call on her. Until then, she’s content to carry around a beeper and fall in love with Sayid. How is this going to pan out? My gut tells me not good, and of course, I’m right. Elsa finally gets that page from her employer, and tells Sayid that she has to rush out to meet him. Sayid shifts into secret agent mode and tells her to get out of town, quick. That way, she won’t have to answer any questions when her employer turns up dead. In a surprise move, Elsa pulls out a gat and shoots Sayid. ZOMGDOUBLECROSS!1 She pulls out her cell phone and in rapid fire German tells her employer that she wasn’t able to find out who Sayid is working for, but that he’s still alive and she’ll bring him to him. Sayid ain’t having none of that. He pulls out his own gun and shoots her. I fully expect everyone to be dead by the time the show ends.

Back on the island, Sayid makes it back to the helicopter with Charlotte in tow. He tells Captain Ron that Locke gave him Charlotte, but only in exchange for Miles. Nobody cares about Miles anyway so it’s all cool. Sayid jumps in the helicopter along with Desmond (who’s really angry about the whole “not Penny’s boat” thing) and Naomi’s dead body, which is starting to look pretty bad. As the helicopter flies back to the freighter, Sayid reflects on all the lasting friendships and strong bonds he’s formed during his time on the island.

In the future, Sayid stumbles into an animal clinic. A mysterious figure with an uncharacteristically deep voice tells him to take off his shirt so he can patch up that gunshot wound. Who is it? Bern! I mean Ben! Isn’t that f****d up!? Sayid is an assassin for Ben! Who for some reason calls him Clarice and asks him if the lambs have stopped screaming yet. I love this show.

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Yes! The season is a fourth of the way over! How long will we have to wait for new episodes this time? Let’s worry about that tomorrow… and read LOSTWATCH!! today!

This week, we got a glimpse of Naomi’s friends; the ones who are there to rescue the castaways. I gotta feeling the only people they’re there to rescue is… no one! Lost Squad, roll call!

Daniel Faraday - Lost Island’s mysteries just got more mysterious, because we can’t understand a thing this guy says. “Well, um… haha, see… thing about that is, well, I mean, I don’t do the packing. And that gun… well, um… hehehe.”

Miles Straume - Miles does a great job at getting pissed off and pulling guns on people. He does an even better job of getting pwned by Sayid and Juliette. He has about 20 seconds of screen time before you want to hit him.

Charlotte Lewis - After stealing the Declaration of Independence, Charlotte and her friend find a polar bear skeleton buried in the desert wearing a collar emblazoned with the Dharma logo. WTFs galor.

Captain Ron - Played by Kurt Russell. The Cap’n helps the castaways escape from pirates who want to steal their boat and take it to Cuba. Along the way, the Losties also learn that Martin Short really is a great dad after all, and that they shouldn’t give him such a hard time.

Lost Squad, assemble! And who put together this crack team? Naomi and… Matthew Abbadon! The plot thickens!

Abaddon: Naomi mon, here’s de team we gonna send to de eyeland.

Naomi: This is bloody madness. Are ‘ye daft, man?

Abaddon: Feelin’ eyrie.

What are these guys doing on the island? All of their flashbacks begin with some sort of radio/tv news broadcast, reporting that Oceanic Flight 815 has been recovered at the bottom of the ocean. But, as Sayid observes, none of them are particularly surprised to find them alive. If their primary objective isn’t to rescue the castaways, what is it then? To capture Ben of course. Ben, who has spent the last three episodes getting the s**t knocked out of him by everybody, pulls the old reach around and lets the would be rescuers know that he has a man on their boat. Well played, Benjamin. Well played, even though you look like a pedophile in your file photo.

For the time being, I think Daniel, Miles and Captain Ron can breathe easy. Jack and Kate and the others wish them no harm. Matter of fact, I think Jack plays the nice guy role almost to a fault, as evidenced in this dialogue between him and Miles, who spends most of the episode in a hissy fit…

Jack: Hey guy, take it easy. Tell me what you’re doing here, and I’ll give you the sat phone.

Miles: As if. Give me the sat phone, and I’ll tell you what we’re doing here.

Jack: K. Don’t ask about your sister lol.

Miles: (takes phone) Hello? Put my sister on.

Charlotte, on the other hand, is royally f****d. Ben gets a hold of Carl’s gun and busts a cap, and Charlotte is forced to reveal that she’s wearing a bullet-proof vest when she doesn’t fall over dead. Locke had already decreed that he and his half of the castaways didn’t want to be rescued, and now that they know Charlotte and her friends are there under false pretenses, her prospects for survival aren’t looking too good. How will all this play out? Who cares! Just drink it in, because it always goes down smooth. And join us again next week, for another exciting LOSTWATCH!!

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And it’s back! And oh, how sweet it is. Since it’s been announced that LOST will be ending after it’s sixth season, we can all rest assured that answers to questions we’ve had for the past three years will be forthcoming, maybe sooner than we think. Still, that didn’t stop the new season premier from throwing a whole slew of new questions right in our stupid faces. “The Beginning of the End” begins with another flash-forward, this one Hurley-centric. I wasn’t sure who we were going to be seeing this week. I thought it likely that we’d see Sawyer either drinking the orange juice or driving the Camaro. Instead, we see Hurley, leading police on an OJ-style car chase. When he’s finally caught, he’s dragged away screaming, “I’m one of the Oceanic Six!”

Obviously, the Oceanic Six are the Losties who got off the island. Already, some new questions.

1. Why only six? This implies that, either, there were only five others who decided to leave the island with Jack (two of which are Kate and Hurley). Or, a lot of people get killed before Jack and company get off the island. The latter is probably the safer bet.

2. What changed Hurley’s mind? Originally, he chose to go with Locke. Later, in the flash-forward, he apologizes to Jack about his decision. Why so sorry?

Hurley’s hallucinating. Charlie, back from the dead, is telling him that “they” need him. He’s institutionalized, and shortly thereafter receives a visit from the mysterious Matthew Abbadon, who some of you may recognize as Desmond Mobay (the undercover cop with the fake Jamaican accent) from HBO’s Oz.

Abbadon: Lissen, brodda. We wanna get’cha anew hospital room, ‘ya hear? One wid a view of ‘de oshawn.

Hurley: Can I see some business cards dude?

Abbadon: … Adebisi’s ‘gon make a move on ‘ya, brodda.

Obviously, Abbadon isn’t on the up and up. More questions.

3. Who does Abbadon represent? Why is he harassing Hurley?

Back on the island, Hurley gets lost in the jungle and stumbles upon Jacob’s cabin. Peeking in through the window, he spies two people. There’s Locke, who is able to convince Hurley that he’s not such a bad guy, just misunderstood. Then there’s Jacob, or is it… CHRISTIAN SHEPHERD!? Take a look at the picture. It doesn’t look like the snippet we saw of Jacob in last season’s “The Man Behind the Curtain”. Another question.

4. WTF?

Locke convinces a bunch of the castaways that Naomi and her group might not be who they say they are. He says he’s going to take his group back to New Otherton to hunker down until things cool off. Of course, things won’t work out that way, because on LOST island, that’s just not how the game’s played. Locke and his group leave, as Jack and company wait for Naomi’s crew to come rescue them. Flash-forward, and we see Jack visiting Hurley in the mental hospital. Hurley says he’s sorry for choosing to go with Locke over Jack, and thinks they have unfinished business back on the island. Jack doesn’t like that at all and leaves. Jack’s lack of a beard shows that this flash-forward is set before the one we saw in the season three closer. What does it all mean? Only time will tell.

It’s back, and like sweet, sweet heroin, you’re left wanting more. Can I die a happy man now? Of course not, stupid, because there’s more LOST (and another LOSTWATCH!!) next week!