Glee, “Never Been Kissed”: Worst. Episode. Ever.

Get your coffee and settle in, because this isn’t going to be short. Usually my notes for an episode are between 10 and 15 bullet points, but my notes were two complete pages for this insulting, condescending, poorly constructed, steaming pile of crap. I’m confident in saying that this is Glee’s version of “Jack and Bai Ling’s Tattoo Time,” even without going back to watch old episodes (which would at least expose me to some the episodes that gave this show what used to be a good reputation for fun performances, quirky characters and boundary-pushing plots).

My criticisms started out lighthearted enough. I noted that Chord Overstreet is WAY better looking than Macaulay Culkin and wondered if Quinn doesn’t know better than to go to Sue for advice – I mean, the last time we saw these two characters interact, Quinn was essentially blackmailing Sue to let her back into the Cheerios and make her captain. Little did I know, things were about to get much, much worse.

I raised my eyebrow at the steel drums that conveniently appeared during Puck and Artie’s spontaneous lunchtime performance, but I was willing to give the performance a chance to overcome the absurdity. It didn’t. That scene was completely without set-up or justification, and ultimately, it didn’t even serve a purpose in the plot. If Puck had some grand plan for the money, fine. But he didn’t – and even after he got the money and developed the plan to take out the girls, he had no intention of paying, so why did he want the money?

I swear it’s like every week, the writers spin a wheel and decide which former enemies will team up this week – will it be Brittany and Artie? Artie and Puck? Mercedes and Santana?  Each week it’s someone new, and it would be believable if they didn’t all claim to hate one another, or if some vestige of the former friendship of convenience was acknowledged somewhere down the road. But no – it’s just a transparent plot contrivance to create a new superficial conflict each week. I get that we can’t keep going back to the Will vs. Sue well again and again because admittedly, that started to get stale in season one. But c’mon, there IS potential. Sunshine Corazon? WTF happened to her? Coach Beiste (more on her later) was set up as this slightly offbeat but nonetheless capable rival to Sue. Coach Beiste was supposed to be a force to be reckoned with. But like this show, her character to this point has been nothing but wasted potential.

I mean, seriously. This episode was bad – really bad, like, I-don’t-remember-why-I-watch-this-show-and-I-don’t-know-if-I-want-to-watch-it-again-bad. I haven’t felt this way about a show since Heroes. Getting a spot on my DVR series recording is as close as I get to marriage – it’s a serious commitment, and I don’t take the decision to remove lightly at all. But consider this a trial separation, Glee. Sue said that she’d have to go straight to the wound care center to get the image of Beiste in flagrante out of her mind. Well, I’m going to have to go watch a couple episodes of Two and a Half Men and According to Jim to cleanse my TV palate of this episode. This is what you’ve done to me, Glee.  

Let’s move on. Kurt goes to spy at the all boys’ school, where an impromptu concert with the Glee club rock stars has brought all the kids a runnin’. Horseshit. Hey Ryan Murphy – if we’re going to go for a semi-serious storyline about acceptance of homosexuality in high s chool, then try to get the plausibility factor somewhere south of dozens of high school guys come together to sing, sway, dance, snap and fist pump their way through a song that I’ve never actually heard but can still unhesitatingly call teeny bop, bubble gum, top 40 tripe. Nothing against top 40 pop – it’s Glee’s bread and butter – but if there was to be any semblance of reality in that room, and if we’re to take Kurt’s struggle seriously, then do not torpedo all authenticity and credibility with that performance because all I could think was “this is so gay.” And even Kurt thought so – next scene at Dalton, he asked if all three of the guys he was meeting with were gay. I’m not a gay man, and fortunately, I never had to deal with what I have no doubt is a traumatizing struggle, so I recognize that this comes from a place of ignorance, but if you want to make a dramatic and serious situation land with the audience, you can’t have it play in the most unrealistic and stereotypical surroundings possible.

Next scene. In the span of thirty seconds, Mike Chang tells Tina about how Sam uses Beiste to help him “cool down.” Tina suggests they get a room to… test that theory? As they’re making out, Mike suggests they cool down. Tina thinks about Beiste and lets her name slip, just like Sam did with Quinn earlier in the episode. And Mike acts completely bewildered. He has no idea where that came from, and omg, he’d better keep his eye on Beiste because clearly she’s after Tina? WTF? It doesn’t even make any sense, people!

Let’s go macro for a minute. What does this show have against plot development? It’s like they dive in to the deep end of every storyline with little to no build-up or establishing scenes. And heaven forbid they should have any story arcs that run through several episodes (the Artie and Brittany thing is just the exception that proves the rule – whatever the hell that means). It’s like every episode they throw a bunch of characters, a bunch of storylines and a bunch of songs in three buckets, and they pull one out of each bucket until they have enough to fill 44 minutes. Slap a shaky structure around it and hot damn, you’ve got a Glee episode. I’m beginning to think Family Guy isn’t the only show written by manatees.

Kurt. A+ performance for Chris Colfer, as usual, but I’m done with the character’s self-righteous emo bullshit. Newsflash, Kurt – what you’re experiencing at the hands of the bully is not just harassment – it’s assault. You can’t bitch about how your school has a permissive culture toward harassment of homosexuals when you let yourself be physically assaulted every day and don’t tell anyone about it. I actually felt sad for Kurt – he clearly and genuinely belongs at a place like Dalton Academy – not just because it has a zero tolerance harassment policy (your school does, too, Kurt – especially when it’s assault and you report it) but also in terms of culture and sophistication. The writers created a chemistry there – or as much chemistry as a location or environment and a character can have, and they only have two ways out now. One, Kurt can leave McKinley and go to Dalton or two, he can spend more time at Dalton and find out that it’s not so perfect after all and he really belongs with the Glee kids at McKinley. If they just let it go, which they will, because they suck, the writers will have nipped another good, organic storyline in the bud.

Alright, more on Beiste, as promised.  Does anyone else feel bait and switched with her character? The writers set her up to be the Sue Sylvester to Sue Sylvester, shaking things up and making a stir at William McKinley High School, and instead she’s just another one of the moody, bratty kids. There is not a doubt in my mind that a woman who looks like that (and let’s not beat around the bush – she’s an unattractive woman; it’s not the worst thing that’s ever happened to anyone, and by refusing to acknowledge it, we’re just putting more of a taboo on it. Not everyone gets to be attractive. If you’re not, you find other ways to stand out and be accepted – Steve Buscemi is a movie star for God’s sake.) and is a high school football coach has faced adversity before because of her role in a male-dominated job, has faced teasing before because of her looks and has faced being the target of teenagers (pretty mild, all things considered) cruel insensitivity before. So stop trying to make me think that these are extraordinary circumstances – they’re not, and she needs to get the f over it. It’s one thing for the high school students to act like insufferable, immature kids. It’s another thing for the adults to do the same.  

Whew – let’s try some positivity for a second. I enjoyed Puck’s manipulation of Brittany and Santana, and I especially loved Brittany rubbing Artie’s leg at dinner and then asking innocently why he hadn’t responded. But then I got pissed off again when I realized Puck never had any intention of using the money anyway and that whole scene was a pointless meandering excuse to plug in a song and celebrate Puck’s return as the bad boy.  

Speaking of being bad… in a good way, Sue’s triumphant laugh through the confetti cannons was, no question, the best part of the episode.

Speaking of being bad… in a bad way, the Start Me Up/Livin’ on a Prayer mashup was just… clunky. It wasn’t particularly memorable or… what’s the auditory term for being aesthetically displeasing? Bad.

As for the surprise locker room kiss – it wasn’t exactly a revelation, and in fact, I had this weird sense of déjà vu as it was happening. I kept thinking maybe there had been some foreshadowing before, but then I realized I was thinking of an episode of Buffy, a comparison which does a disservice to the realistic plotlines and true-to-life character development of the vampires, slayers, witches and werewolves of the Buffyverse. I hope the writers do something meaningful with that little nugget – it could really have potential.

Okay, I’m wrapping it up, promise. Schu. Stupid, shit-eating grin Shu. Even though it was just a few of the Glee club members who were misappropriating Beiste’s image, let’s be sure to maximize her humiliation by telling EVERYONE in the Glee club about it and then making her the center of attention as the guys sing for her forgiveness. Unreal. Small concession: the guys’ Stop in the Name of Love/Free Your Mind mashup was better than the girls’, but not by much and mostly due to the fact that Free Your Mind is like the Chuck Norris of 90s songs – an eternal lyrical BAMF.

Last, but not least – I want to tell you a story. About the day I quit reality TV cold turkey. Anyone who has suffered from reality TV addiction knows that this affliction can be a crippling slippery slope to dark and terrifying places. I started light – I watched Flavor of Love. Then Flavor of Love 2. Then I Love New York. I Love Money, and finally, Charm School. But when Mo’Nique compared the journey of the Charm School contestants to the journey of the fleeing slaves in the Underground Railroad, I turned the television off, and with very few exceptions (I freaking love Scream Queens, ya’ll), I haven’t watched reality TV since. Several years earlier, I saw Spiderman, and when Tobey Maguire said “No Gobby – YOU’RE out. Out of your MIND,” my mind was made up. I never saw another Spiderman movie, or – come to think of it – another movie with either Kirsten Dunst or Tobey Maguire – again.

I tell you that to tell you this. When Coach Beiste said “Deep down inside, where no one can see…” I almost clicked my television off right then and there. I felt the bile rise in my throat, and I started to physically shake. That is 5th grade fan fic writing right there, and I was embarrassed for Glee, Fox, Ryan Murphy and most of all, Dot Jones.

Then, it got worse. In a truly painful example of audience pandering, Schu tells Beiste that she’s a beautiful and amazing woman, whose heart is just too big for most men to stand. Beiste replies, “You really think I’m pretty Will?” “Inside and out.” And at this point I scream at my TV – then date her, dick. If you are going to fuck with an emotionally vulnerable woman, and try to sell the audience on this trite “beauty is on the inside” bullshit, then you’d better be prepared to back it up mister. Make a real point and take a real stand – Glee writers, Schu, whomever – have Schu fall for Beiste and legitimize this ridiculous scene instead of passing off his insulting charity as kindness.   

This episode was irresponsible, offensive and nonsensical, and the songs sucked. Screw you guys, I’m going home…. To watch South Park, which has a much more plausible storyline. You see, BP opened the gates to a new dimension when they drilled on the moon and released Cthulhu….

P.S. I realize I didn’t mention Kurt’s budding relationship with Blaine. I was happy for Kurt. Simple as that. It was a relatively solid, if expected, storyline.  I was glad he found someone he could feel comfortable with because he was very obviously not finding that anywhere else, and I was relieved that this may herald the end of emo Kurt. It wasn’t groundbreaking, but it wasn’t bad (which in an episode like this, may have actually been worth noting). I hope it goes somewhere postitive and fun. I think a duet with them would be fantastic.

P.P.S. I make it a point not to read any other Glee reviews before I’ve written my own, so I read this after I’d written all of the above. I love this blog and its authors, and I 100 percent respect what they have to say here, and if only for the good it might have done for a popular culture that tends to either ignore or alternatively cartoonize (yes, it’s a word now) homosexuals, especially in content aimed at younger audiences, I might be convinced to give this episode a pass. It wasn’t good writing or good TV, but it may have served a greater purpose.

All Good Things…

Tonight we say goodbye to one of the best shows in the history of television. Goodbye, Lost. There will never be another show like you, although that won’t stop ABC from trying to find one.

Oh yeah. I’ve got more of this stuff coming, too, for those of you who still care.

The end of an era.

From the Twitter accounts of Messirs @DamonLindelof and @CarltonCuse…

We’re done. Amen.

So say we all.

LOSTWATCH!! – “I think I’m remembering stuff.”

Eccentric millionaire and shut-in Hugo Reyes has it rough. He spends most of his time at award ceremonies, being honored for his various and sundry philanthropic work.

After this latest ceremony, his mother surprises him with an unexpected announcement.

So Hurley goes on his date.

And there went his first impression. Unfortunately, things don’t get much better.

Something’s obviously wrong with Libby, and it isn’t long before someone comes to take her away.

Now that Hurley sees there’s something wrong with her — and realizes they could never, ever be together — he must have her. His obsession consumes him and he sinks into a deep depression. And it’s in the throes of that depression that Desmond finds him stuffing his face in the middle of a Mr. Clucks.

Maybe Desmond’s got a point, or maybe the crazy Scotsman is just craaazy. But he does give Hurley an idea. If Libby can’t come to him, he’ll go to Libby, and visit her in the barrel! Or the bush. But then there would need to be two of them. Wait—nevermind. To the mental institution! Hurley’s first obstacle, getting past the stuffy, old institution keep!

Luckily, Hurley’s wise to the cut of his jib and makes himself look like a nubile fifteen year old.

Ugh. Haunting. Anyway, Libbey’s pretty happy to see him. And even happier to hear Hurley’s idea.

Well, maybe not that idea. But the next one is pretty good.

So they go to the beach that very moment!

And who’s that, spying our two lovers from afar?

But Desmond isn’t done yet. He’s spotted again, across town, spying on a bunch of kids Mr. Locke at the high school. But never fear. Mr. Linus is on the case!

W. T. F? Anyway, on the island Hurley is sharing a different kind of special moment with Libby when he’s interrupted by that jerk, Ilana.

And that’s exactly what happens. Ilana’s so sure that her idea is the best. She took some dynamite from the Black Rock. How hard could it be to use it to blow up the Ajira plane, right?

Ilana blowing herself up seemed so unlikely, that when Hurley volunteers to take over as leader, NO ONE OBJECTS.

And off they go. Jack looks resigned. Richard looks frustrated. Miles looks nervous. Lapidus is still there? And Sun, well, she still can’t speak English.

Things aren’t much better in Locke’s camp. After sitting still for days, Sawyer’s gotten restless, and Locke is sick of his lip.

Things perk up a bit when Sayid comes back to camp with a special surprise for Locke.

Locke tells Sayid that he has something to show Desmond, and the two go off alone into the jungle. As they’re walking, Desmond hears someone following them, but why the hell is the show throwing out more questions with only FIVE EPISODES LEFT? Seriously, who is this kid? And why is he dressed like one of the Lost Boys?

Anyway, they finally reach their destination. And what is it that Locke just HAD to show Desmond? It’s a…well? Where could this be going?

And PUSH!

His mission accomplished, Locke heads back to camp, and to more of Sawyer’s questions.

But wait. Who’s that coming out of the jungle?

LOSTWATCH!! – “What if this wasn’t supposed to be our life?”

Hey, does anyone remember that Desmond guy? No? Me neither. But it turns out that Widmore had him hidden on his submarine to use in his nefarious scheme. Let’s watch!

They’re not going to be able to do much with Desmond acting like this, so Widmore decides to move his SECRET TEST up a bit…like NOW!

So Desmond is prepped inside a box that looks like the raptor cage from Jurassic Park. Once everything’s ready, they flip the switch.

The discharge is so powerful that it drains energy from all over the station!

And we fade to white to reveal…

Desmond decides she isn’t worth the trouble and finds his limo driver. It ain’t no thang, because let’s face it, Desmond’s got problems, but a b***h ain’t one. Ya heard? Anyway, if he really needs a woman, Minkowski’s got it taken care of.

Desmond tells Minkowski to just drive him to the boss’s office. Just who is this boss, you may be wondering. Well, Desmond’s boss is none other than…Zoe?

Just kidding. It’s Widmore.

Widmore sends Desmond to pick up Charlie Pace, who’s hair is all buzzed and gross now. Charlie’s band is supposed to play with Widmore’s son at some fancy-schmancy party. What follows is the dumbest and most cliched scene we’ve ever seen in Lost.

Inside some sh***y little dive bar…

Which he’ll do on his way to Widmore’s expensive, rich-people party. As they’re driving, Charlie’s band SOULSTORM comes on the radio.

A sudden attack of conscience forces Desmond back down to rescue Charlie. But as he reaches the car, he sees a mysterious vision.

Desmond calls “the boss” (his secret name for Widmore) to tell him the bad news.

Widmore’s a busy man and can’t be bothered with things like talking to his family, so Desmond’s charged with disappointing him. He doesn’t care because there are much weightier things to be discussed!

How the hell did Faraday make that jump? I had a dream I made out with Scarlett Johansson once, but that doesn’t mean I broke into her house the next day to tell her that we were lovers in another life (yes I did). All I’m saying is that it’s very convenient that he figured out EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING ON. And from what, deja vu?

So Desmond goes to meet Penny, who for some reason isn’t scared to death by being approached by a man in a completely empty sports stadium.

And of course Desmond quantum leaps just as he’s about to bag the girl. When he comes to on the island, he’s a changed man.

Huh? But suddenly…!

Desmond just watches her go, that big, charming Scotsman grin plastered on his face.

Yep. That’s the one. When he gets back to the limo, he has a question for Minkowski.

LOSTWATCH!! – “I don’t like secrets.”

When we last saw Sun and Jin, they had been held for questioning by Homeland Security. From the defeated look on Jin’s face, we can only assume the experience was less than pleasant for him.

They get a warmer reception at their hotel, although it still isn’t doing much for their perception of Americans.

Once they get up to their room, Sun tries to loosen the mood.

But in the end, Jin’s bruised confidence in his masculinity is no match for Sun’s feminine wiles.

And he’s back. It’s amazing what a night of passion and unbridled ecstasy can do for a person.

And if you can believe it, Sun’s even happier than he is.

Before Jin has to come up with an excuse, he’s saved by a knock at the door.

When Sun opens the door, she finds an old friend (new friend? I don’t know anymore).

It’s Martin Keamy, who can be a real EGGHEAD. But don’t piss him off, ’cause you wouldn’t want him to CRACK your SHELLS legs! He tells Jin that if he doesn’t get his money, things will not end well for him.

And the same goes for Sun.

The Federales confiscated all of Jin’s money at the airport, so Sun is going to have to bail them out with her private account. She’ll head to the bank with Keamy’s weird translator friend while Jin goes with Keamy to his next business appointment. Things aren’t looking good once they get there. Keamy’s tied Jin up inside a refrigerator while he deals with another matter.

Outside, Jin can hear a struggle — and gunshots! Jin chews through his restraints, then chews through the refrigerator door for some reason. We he goes out into the kitchen, everyone’s dead. Everyone except for the translator guy, who’s come back with Sun and is now sticking a gun in Jin’s back. But Jin’s got the upper hand, because he knows KARATE. Well, he doesn’t really, but he’s Asian, so he tricks the translator by pretending he knows KARATE.

One lucky shot.

Sorry, sorry. That was the last one. I promise. Anyway, what do Jin and Sun do now?

Yeah! So on the island, Jin is packing up to get the hell out of Dodge. Locke is out foraging in the jungle for berries or twigs or some crazy crap like that, so now’s the perfect time to go. He could have gotten out in time, but Sawyer held him up.

Suddenly, they’re attacked! Guess by who.

While he’s unconscious, Jin is plagued by horrible nightmares of this crazy man-woman violating him. When he wakes up, he’s alone in her dark sex dungeon.

Jin turns the movie on, but it takes him a minute to get the reference.

Suddenly the lights turn on and the woman from the jungle comes inside.

Zoe runs her hand seductively down her adam’s apple. The air is electric with sexual energy. The tiny hairs of her mustache stand on end. But Jin just isn’t having it.

Widmore tells Jin that there’s so much he’s missed in the years he and Sun have been separated. To prove it — because the fact that Jin’s missed things in three years is something that needed to be proved — Widmore shows him a bunch of creepy pictures he’s taken of Sun and their daughter.

And speaking of Sun, things have been kind of hard on her these past few years, and it’s all starting to bubble up to the surface.

A woman just can’t win, can she? Always the fixer, Jack goes to see if there’s anything he can do to help.

I think that went really well. But if for some reason Jack only pissed Sun off more, wait until you see what happens when Locke drops by.

When Jack and the others finally get Sun back to camp, they discover that she can’t speak English.

It looks like they’ve got a little bit of time to kill, so that night Jack tries smoothing things over with Sun.

LOSTWATCH!! – “El Diablo!”

This week Last week, we find found our Castaways regrouping and planning their next move.

Magically, we’re transported back to a simpler time. A time without islands, magic and evil monsters. We find Richard Alpert as a poor farmer living on a small island. His wife is sick and he has precious little time to get the magic elixir from the village doctor, who’s a real evil monster!

For his song, the doctor gives Richard a cure for all that ails ‘ya.

He got what he needed, but Richard grew up on the streets, so he beats the doctor half to death and robs him anyway. As quickly as he can, Richard gets the medicine to his wife, but alas, he’s too late!

To serve out his sentence, Richard is sent to the island prison of…

There, after years of imprisonment, he meets a man who promises him the thing he wants most: escape! All he asks for in return is help digging his secret tunnels.

Now, Richard is the property of Magnus Hanso, but he’s having a harder time adjusting to slavery than he thought he would.

So anyway, they head off across the Atlantic. But when a storm brews up they drift off course, toward a mysterious island!

A massive tidal wave tosses them on the shore. When Richard finally regains consciousness, they’re killing the prisoners! They’re killing the prisoners!

But before Richard can be struck down, the ship is attacked by a familiar face. The Man in Black releases Richard from his chains in exchange for a favor.

Richard accepts (because, seriously, what else was he going to do?) and now he’s off to meet Jacob.

Jacob takes Richard back to the statue and explains what he’s gotten himself caught up in.

Ever since the Man in Black moved out of their apartment, Jacob’s been looking for a new wingman. Someone to hit the clubs with. Richard’s got just the right mix of Latin flair and sweet dumb foreigner to be a real chick magnet.

But there’s one more thing.

So Richard goes to tell the Man in Black that he’s switched sides.

In the present day, Richard’s gone back to the same spot where he spoke to the Man in Black all those years before.

But someone’s followed him. It’s Hurley! He’s come to give Richard some extra motivation.

{coda}

LOSTWATCH!! – “Is there something you want to tell me?”

And now we know that the Lost writers have really gone off the deep end. In last week’s episode, the craziness in Bizarro World continued with…Sawyer? In bed? With a woman? What kind of Twilight Zone BS is this!??

That’s right. Sawyer’s a…cop. And guess who his scrappy sidekick is.

It’s fun to play “what might’ve been” and see where the Losties have all ended up in the new timeline, but I don’t think anyone bought Sawyer as a cop.

In addition to coffee, Miles also got Sawyer a woman. Well, it’s a blind date, but Sawyer knows how to close a deal, so to speak.

And before you know it, Sawyer’s busy deposing the witness (having sex). But things go wrong when Charlotte goes looking for a t-shirt.

Things don’t go much better the next day when Miles confronts him over his trip to Sydney.

Feelin’ blue, Sawyer goes to Charlotte’s apartment to try and smooth things over. But just like Miles, she’s not having it, or is she?

That’s right. As long as you’re good looking and keep a healthy amount of stubble, some women will let you walk all over them. Anyway. On the island, Locke’s plans are beginning to come together. He tells Sawyer that he’s got a special mission for him.

Locke leaves Sawyer to it. He can’t go with him, because it looks like trouble may be brewing back at camp! Claire’s introducing Kate to her “special little guy.”

Kate finally realizes that Claire is good and crazy, so she figures that now’s the perfect time to tell her the truth about Aaron. Claire takes the news about as well as you’d expect.

Locke gets back from the beach just in time to take care of bidness.

Now that’s what I call a STICKY situation! What? Anyway, Sawyer’s on Monster Hydra Island, and makes a grim discovery!

Then suddenly, someone jumps out of the bushes! Remember all those fantasies you had about being trapped on a deserted island with the hottest person you know? This is nothing like that.

Well, Sawyer can dig that, maybe if the lights were turned off, so he and his new friend head off down the beach.

I think we ALL know that’s not true.

Sawyer’s not buying it. Deep down, neither is she.

The woman takes off her wig and glasses to reveal…Charles Widmore?

Widmore tells Sawyer that he’s got BIG plans for the island. He can get in on the ground floor, but he’ll have to betray everyone he cares about. Sawyer’s surprisingly cool with it and heads back to the main island. When he gets back, Locke asks him how things went.

How will it all play out? I think the answer to that may be completely unsatisfying! But enough with the trickery and double-crossing. Tonight’s episode ends on a lighter note, and really reminds us why we’re so connected to these characters.

LOSTWATCH!! – “I’ll have you.”

In this week’s episode, Ben and Arzt get together at lunch to piss and moan like a couple of schoolgirls. Principal Reynolds doesn’t like Ben’s history club and he’s being a real douche about it. Mr. Locke’s been eavesdropping and pipes in with a novel idea.

Of course, the life of a high school teacher is full of glamor and lots of hot tail, but Ben doesn’t care much for all of that. No, he does what he does for the kids. Kids like Alex Rousseau, who really need Ben’s help.

At their tutoring session, Alex lets a secret about Principal Reynolds slip.

I’m not sure if that secret says more about Principal Reynolds or Alex. Anyway, Ben comes up with a plan to get rid of Reynolds and save his history club at the same time. Blackmail! It’s foolproof, or so he thinks. Reynolds doesn’t exactly have the reaction Ben was expecting.

Wow. Haunting. Anyway, on the island the Ajira folks are running through the jungle, trying to get away from Locke. They stop to catch their breath, and Ilana takes the opportunity to satisfy some curiosity.

They make their way to the beach and start setting up camp. Ben’s happy because he finally feels like he belongs. But he soon finds out that Ilana isn’t just going to let the whole Jacob thing go.

INTERMISSION

Elsewhere on the island, Jack and Hurley have met up with Richard, and are anxious to get some answers.

Guess we’ll just have to wait!

Anyway, Ilana leaves Ben to his grim task. Needless to say, the whole thing’s really harshed his mellow. And when Ben’s upset, everyone knows it.

But suddenly, while he’s working, Locke appears out of nowhere with a special offer.

Ben’s not havin’ it. So Locke tells him that if he wants, there’s a gun in the jungle he can use to get away from Ilana. Whatever. He’s done. Peace out, a-hole. Ben takes his chance. He darts into the jungle, with Ilana close behind him. He grabs the gun. It looks like he just might make it!

But the heroics quickly fade to a sloppy, blubbery mess of tears and self pity.

So they head back to the beach. Finally, Ben’s a part of the team…right?

Awww. Sad. But our problems don’t end there. Just off the coast of Lost Island, trouble’s afoot!

LOSTWATCH!! – “He’s coming and they can’t stop him.”

On this week’s Lost we find Sayid visiting some family whom he loves dearly and would NEVER hurt.

Things are awkward enough after Sayid brought Nadia a bouquet of flowers and a lace negligee. Unfortunately, his kids niece and nephew aren’t making things any easier on him.

Later that night Omar wakes Sayid up and delivers some bad news.

Tragedy strikes when the mobsters attack Omar and put him in the hospital. Nadia and Sayid rush to the hospital.

Later that night, Sayid shatters a vase, but Nadia shatters her inhibitions!

And we slowly fade to black. The next day, Sayid’s wearing Omar’s clothes and watering the lawn when a van pulls up to the house and a strange man steps out.

Sayid, whose parents never taught him better, gets in the van. The creepy guy drives him to a shady backroom and it’s there we meet Martin Keamy, and because he spends the entire time talking about eggs I’m guessing he’s one of the real mobster’s cousins and part of some program where they let people who aren’t right in the head come to work for a day. It’s kind of sad, really.

Just for good measure, Sayid shoots him in the head.

He’s embraced his rage and hate and is now one step closer to the Dark Side. Things aren’t going much better for him in our universe. Over there, he’s finally had it with Dogan and his secrets and he decides that it’s time for some answers.

Outside, Kate’s come back to the temple. Miles is happy to see her, because ever since Hurley left he hasn’t had much to do besides play tic-tac-toe with coconuts and banana leaves.

It doesn’t take Kate long to realize that Claire’s gone batsh*t bonkers, so there’s not really any point trying to convince her of anything, right?

But enough pointless filler. Outside, Sayid is on a mission. If Dogan can’t kill him, he figures Locke might be able to, so he’s sent him on a suicide mission. Kill Locke, save the temple.

All Sayid’s got to do is deliver a message. That and kill a few people, which he’s more than happy to do. He head’s back to the temple and delivers Locke’s message.

Then he goes and kills Dogan and Lennon. Things just got real. Mad real. When the Ajira folks get to the temple, Ben finds Sayid sitting alone, admiring his handiwork.

And the horror begins. Locke races through the temple destroying everything in his path and anyone standing in his way.

Luckily, Ilana knows the temple’s secrets and show’s everyone where to hide!

So the dust finally settles and Locke’s got to be feeling pretty good about himself. Pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty good. All of his new homeboys gather ’round and they set of into the jungle to go start some major shit. Kate tags along even though she knows she’s powerless to stop him. Locke’s got 99 problems, but a b**ch ain’t one, amirite?