Arthur C. Clarke: 1917-2008

We’ve lost a giant. Arthur C. Clarke was one of the Founding Fathers of science fiction and the author of such classics as 2001, Rendezvous with Rama and Childhood’s End. He passed away at his home in Sri Lanka after breathing complications. He was 90 years old.

Join or Die, pt. 2

Here’s the full trailer for HBO’s John Adams miniseries, which starts this Sunday night. Make sure you’re back here next week, and every week after that for our coverage of America’s sexiest president.

Where am I?

by Andy Rooney

It’s funny how people change as they get older. Take me, for example. As I get older I ask myself more and more, who am I, and what am I doing here?

Last week while watching TV I was surprised to see myself on 60 Minutes. I was talking about how great umbrellas are at keeping the rain off my head, but not off the back of my legs. I called my daughter and asked her if this was some sort of magician’s trick. She told me that it wasn’t, and that I had been working on 60 Minutes for almost thirty years. I told her that I didn’t understand all these new breakfast cereals I see at the grocery store these days. So much sugar. I’ll stick to my Wheat Mash, thank you.

Another time I opened my eyes and found myself surrounded by bright lights and people with television cameras. The people with the cameras were very helpful, but the lights scared me, and hurt my eyes. To cover, I started talking about this funny-looking dog I saw once. I kept getting checks in the mail, so I guess no one noticed. I called my daughter to ask her about it, and she told me that I had been working on 60 Minutes for almost thirty years. Acting on television is all well and good, but what I’d really like to do is direct. I asked my daughter about that too. She told me that she was the operator and not my daughter.

She told me that if I signed up for their new long-distance service, I could receive a free cell phone — a Razor, I think she called it. I enjoy a good shave as much as the next man, but I don’t understand all these new razors companies are selling. One of them has three blades, this other one has five. They say that the extra blades give you a closer shave. I told the operator that if I wanted three shaves, I would shave with the same blade three times, thank you. She told me that she was my daughter, not the operator.

I’m sorry, what was I saying? Anyway, what I’ve learned from all this is that dogs really do look like their owners. Especially the funny-looking ones.

Russia to US: “I think we should see other people.”

MOSCOW - Speaking this afternoon at a press conference in the Kremlin, Russian President Vladimir Putin announced that his country would be ending it’s 17-year relationship with the United States.

“You know, after such a long time, you get comfortable. And you kind of don’t want to admit that you might be doing something wrong,” Putin said. His remarks were met with suspicious glares from a throng of attending reporters. “It’s just that things are so messed up with this whole Prime Minister thing. I just don’t feel like I can handle a serious relationship right now,” he stammered. “I think we should see other people.” Looking as if a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders, Putin spoke heavily on how America had tried to change the former world power. “At first it was just small stuff, like only hanging out with their friends. They’d say ‘We’ll hang out with your friends next week,’ but it’d never happen. And then like the next day they’d tell me that I needed to start releasing political prisoners and providing jobs for people. It was just unhealthy, man.”

The Russian President said that his country would wait an appropriate amount of time before jumping back onto the international dating scene, stating his desire that Russia not “look like a slut.” Until then, Putin said the country would be taking a little time off. “I don’t know. Go on a road trip. Work out, read, consolidate political and military power. Just get my head straight.”

The press conference ended on an upbeat note, with Putin reiterating hopes that Russia and America would remain friends. “I mean, yeah. Like, definitely. Shoot me an e-mail, and we’ll like, go out for drinks or something,” he said, smiling unconvincingly.

America could not be reached for comment. In a prepared statement, America’s best friend, England, said, “They’re better off without that a**hole. Just watch, Russia and China will hook up like, next week. What a dick.”