“Knowing is half the battle.”

Now available in toys stores everywhere, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra© action figures! Reenact your favorite scenes from G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra© with this great selection of figures and vehicles, only from Hasbro!

It turns out the only reason the Joes pulled half of the crazy crap they did in this movie was so Hasbro would have enough toys to last them until the next one comes out. It has to be, because this movie was so over the top insane that that could be the only reason. It might even be the only reason they made the movie in the first place. I remember watching Kill Bill, where Uma Thurman slices up the Crazy 88s and thinking to myself, “Wow. This is so over the top insane!” For some reason, saying it then was different from saying it now.

G.I. Joe is an elite group of soldiers – the best of the best, if you will – taken from military groups all over the world, who for some reason still report to the U.S. government. As team leader Dennis Quaid says, “When all else fails, we don’t.” When it’s discovered that weapons magnate James McCullen is using nanotechnology to build an army of super soldiers, the Joes spring into action, and even manage to have a few laughs along the way.

Caught in the middle of all this international intrigue is Duke Dukington, played by Channing Tatum. Tatum’s casting was a stroke of genius, as it’s almost impossible to tell him apart from a plastic action figure. Duke has a personal stake in all of this, when he realizes that his former fiance Anna is helping McCullen carry out his nefarious plans. This leads to some great flashbacks sequences and shots of Tatum staring off into space and looking conflicted. Rounding out the cast are Marlon Wayans, Rachel Nichols, Said Taghmaoui, and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, who all manage to play their parts with a straight face.

We’ll return to our review of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra© right after this message from Hasbro Toys, makers of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra© action figures!

G.I. Joe is so full of trite action movie conventions that after about 45 minutes, you stop trying to count them and just go with it. I’m still trying to figure out if that makes the movie better or worse. But it’s not all bad. Hmm. Good stuff, good stuff… oh yeah! The movie does have a few impressive visual FX sequences that are a lot of fun to watch. And some of the comedy doesn’t feel as forced or as cheesy as other movies like this. But seriously, Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Cobra Commander? Why not cast Topher Grace as He-Man? Or Haley Joel Osment as Lion-O. And is it just me, or is it getting to the point where if a movie has Marines or the President of the United States in it, you know it’s not going to be good?

I gave this movie a chance. I mean, c’mon, I went and saw it even after I had seen the trailer. And it’s important to remember that I don’t hate G.I. Joe. Without it, I wouldn’t fully understand what makes movies like No Country For Old Men so special. I think movies like G.I. Joe serve an important purpose, because without the bad we wouldn’t recognize the good, or how hot Rachel Nichols is.

In the end, I give No Country For Old Men an A G.I. Joe a D. For me, it’s like one of those crazy 10-layer candy bars. By themselves, chocolate or peanuts or caramel or pretzels or marshmallows are all good things. Mixing a few of them up is also good. But when you eat them all together, you crash and end up in a diabetic coma. That’s what G.I. Joe is like. The over the top action, bad acting, bad jokes, miscast characters, two-hour runtime and marshmallow filling all sent me into a diabetic coma. I would approach this only as a TBS Saturday afternoon movie, and maybe not even then. So now you know. And knowing is half the battle! G.I. Joooooooooe!

TRAILER MONDAY

The summer movie craziness is upon us. Here’s a little taste.

First up this week, the full trailer for Transformers 2, now with 67% more Transformers. And now that Megan Fox is more plastic than person, she’ll be bowing as one of the newly-introduced Disgusticons.

Also released recently was the full trailer for G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. This looks like some sort of weird mix between Bioshock and Iron Man, and by that I mean that the movie is going to make no f**king sense whatsoever. I can’t wait.

The super secret and super cool District 9 is about aliens who land in South Africa and are forced to work as manual labor. It takes place in a crazy world where aliens exist, and where South Africa can tell people to do things.

TRAILER MONDAY – Superbowl Edition

Last night’s football match between the Pittsburgh Iron Workers and the Arizona Redbirds offered up a look at some of this year’s hottest new movies, and since all of this blog’s success comes vicariously through the hard work of others, we’ve got them all for you, right here in one spot! Now that’s what I call a touchdown.

First up, the much-anticipated teaser for Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. In this one, there’s a special transformer who carries around Linkin Park, who once again provides the smokin’ soundtrack. And then there’s another transformer who tries to convince you that the movie’s title doesn’t suck. Anyway, there’ll be a lot of explosions.

In May, the follow-up to 2006′s The DaVinci Code, Angels and Demons, will be released. I’m not really sure what this one is about, but I do know that it doesn’t feature an albino monk flagellating himself, so I really have no interest in seeing it.

Well, it took them long enough, but a live-action adaptation of G.I. Joe is finally coming to the big screen. In The Rise of Cobra, boobs, guns, and explosions all come together into one… well, they sure do come together. Take a look, and we’ll see you next week.