I ♥ He-Man

Do you remember better, simpler times when the cartoons you watched on TV didn’t have to make sense, or even be that good? Pepperidge Farm remembers. I recently spent some of my wife’s hard-earned money on some Masters of the Universe DVDs, and they’re about as senseless as people who respect Carlos Mencia as an entertainer.

One particular low point (high point?) in the series’ two-year run is the He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special. Skeletor, up to his old tricks, is planning on using giant Transformers rip-offs to take over Eternia. It’s up to He-Man and two kids to stop him and save Christmas somehow.

Who are these kids? How did they get here? When was the last time you knew a white kid named Miguel? It doesn’t matter! It’s He-Man. And when he finds out that Skeletor is trying to get rid of Christmas, he’s going to be PISSED.

Of course, everything works out in the end. The Transformers are destroyed. Christmas is saved, and Skeletor’s heart grows three sizes too big and he ends up adopting a puppy or whatever the hell this thing is…

He-Man and all of his buddies throw some sort of Secret Santa party, and the two kids are never heard from again. Everyone just assumes they got back home safely. A clip from the final scene…

Orko: He-Man, have you seen Miguel and Alisha, snarf snarf?

He-Man: You know Orko, I have a feeling they’re going to be juuust fine.

Orko: Hey, why do you fight with a sword when there are spaceships and lasers lying around all over the place?

He-Man: LOL.

Terrific. Did the show make sense? Never, and it didn’t need to. At the end of every episode, Skeletor threw his hands up in defeat while He-Man and Man-At-Arms high-fived and Man-At-Arms said, ‘Spicy!”, and I made my parents go out and spend money on He-Man action figures and bedsheets and those fake He-Man muscles you could strap to your body. I was He-Man for Halloween seven or eight years in a row.

They don’t make cartoons like this anymore. After Nickelodeon dumped the original Nicktoons for junk like SpongeBob and Fairly Odd Parents, it was all downhill, and cartoons have never really been the same. At least we have the DVDs, for our kids.

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4 responses to “I ♥ He-Man

  1. All I can say to this is…”The penis.” Good memories.

  2. I want my money back.

  3. I was watching Transformers the other day and it hurt my brain. I dont know how we watched those crazy cartoons. Denver the Last Dinosaur!!!!!

  4. PinappleUndertheSea

    If you’re strapped for matieral sometime, Id love to hear what your beef is w/ Songebob. I actually feel like that particular show has captured a lot of the Ren and Stimpy magic that I was robbed of when Nic realized how horribly “inapprporiate” that show was for children.

    P.S. F’ the FairlyOdd Pareents, I agree with you there.

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