Sometimes I wish everyone ever would leave me alone. I try to wear a scowl as much as possible, and am still not sure what about it causes people to stop and talk to me. This was this past weekend at Wal-Mart, while I stopped to flip through their posters. I was just passing the same old Jessica Simpson from The Dukes of Hazzard poster that’s been there for twenty years when this old guy comes up behind me and puts his hand on my shoulder. He says to me, he says…
“Whoa there! Flip back, let an old man dream, let an old man dream. Oh, yeah. She’s hot. Man, she is smokin’. But you know what’s wrong with her? She’s a Barbie doll. You know what I mean by that? That she’s a Barbie doll? That’s right, she looks fake. She’s probably more plastic than any Barbie doll out there is, I tell ‘ya. You know, I was at the Q-Mart – that’s an open-air market near where I live – the other day because I go down to see what they got, because sometimes they’ve got some really old collectible stuff there, you know?”
“Anyways, I was there and I was talking to this woman who was all done up just like that broad in the poster there, and I told her that. That she looked just like a Barbie doll. Man, there are some weird people there, I tell ‘ya. I saw this one guy there who had like, five or six parrots on his arms and shoulders, just walkin’ around. Ain’t that the weirdest thing? I don’t know. There’s something weird about that place. It attracts all the weirdos. They thrive in that kind of atmosphere. I was actually down there looking for the Sonny Chiba “Street Fighter” movies, but I couldn’t find them anywhere! I wanted to see them because they were talking about it in that one movie Pulp Fiction, where the guy is talking to the girl and he says ‘If I had to screw any guy, it would be Elvis’. You ever see that?”
“Oh yeah, that’s right, it wasn’t Pulp Fiction. It was True Romance. I love that movie, Pulp Fiction. I remember when it first came out, everybody started saying ‘My nigga!’ like the one character in that movie, where he yells to John Travolta, ‘My nigga!’ Of course, the blacks, they’re just like the Jews, you can’t use their words or they get all upset. Blacks can say ‘my nigga’ to other blacks, but if a white says it he gets his ass handed to him. Hey listen, am I holding you up or anything? Because if I am, then just say somethin’, I don’t want to keep you from anything, you know? Man, that was a sweet movie. Say, I’m gonna let you go now. Man, that broad is hot. I wouldn’t mind having that poster, you know? Just hang it up on my door or something. The wife would kill me though. Alright, I’m gonna let you go. It’s been nice talking to ‘ya!”
And with that, he left. I paid for my Beef Tips, jumped in my car and did 80 all the way home. Now it’s my wife that handles the shopping. If going to the store, or even outdoors, means I have to run that weirdo gauntlet, then count me out.