I’m Hot for Teacher – Douchebag Anthem

I was listening to this song on the radio the other day and was tricked. I was tricked by the snazzy bass drum intro into thinking, “Hey, this is pretty cool!” FALSE. The more I listened, the angrier I got. I noticed I was grinding me teeth and my palms were sweating — I realized it wasn’t my wedding night, it was the song. I hate this song because it reminds me of every douche bag I’ve ever EVER dealt with. It’s not the music. The music’s not bad. And it’s not Sammy Hagar. I saw him on Cribs a while back and he seems like a pretty nice guy. The thing that pisses me off are the spoken lyrics they sprinkle like turds in my drink throughout the song. Let’s listen read…

Oh, wow, man, I said
Wait a second, man
What do you think the teacher’s gonna look like this year?

There are the underachievers, sitting with their feet up on the desks. Their ripped up jean shorts showing off half their thighs. Their pastel-colored, stone-washed, button-up shirts over their pastel-colored, stone-washed undershirts. Their greasy beach bum haircuts covered up by their big dumb OU caps. And because they’re inside, in the middle of the afternoon, they’re wearing sunglasses. One guy who fancies himself the joker of the group throws a paper airplane. The teacher walks in. She’s the one they’re all hot for. I mean it says it IN THE TITLE. So I’m guessing she looks good, or as one of these puds might say, she’s a stone fox.

Hey, I heard you missed us
We’re back! (Hey!)
I brought my pencil
Give me something to write on, man!

Hey! Whoa! The lyrics read, “I brought my pencil.” But the song makes it sound like, “Ah brawt mah PEN-sooooooooooooool!!1!” This part really makes my sphincter clench because it’s one of those things people yell whenever they’ve opened their mouths without really knowing what was going to come out. A few years ago, I worked at a high school with a bunch of “at-risk” kids. These were kids who needed some extra help getting work done and staying on track in class. What it amounted to was six months of me getting yelled at and made fun of by a bunch of punk gangbangers. One day, these two boys were screwing around and I had to send them back to class. One of them called me a “trick” (I don’t get their words) and the other one, before leaving, didn’t really say anything so much as squealed. It was a high-pitch “aaaaahhh,” and he put his hands up in the air like so…

Cool, right? WRONG!

In these situations, I try and keep a witty retort on hand so the kids won’t think I’ve fallen off the trolley. This time though, I was so befuddled at what I had just seen that I just stood there slack-jawed while these two cholos walked off high-fiving each other. I was speechless. I thought I was in a movie or something. Anyway, the songs over now, right? Ahh sh–

Oh man, I think the clock is slow
(What are you doin’ this weekend?) I don’t feel tardy
Class dismissed!

Yeah my main man, I didn’t even know I was tardy because I was trolling for tail when the bell rang! Give me some skin! What? Yeah class dismissed! The entire school erupts into some messed up Rock n’ Roll High School orgy. Kids are running through the halls. The teacher is standing there like a big dumb idiot with her glasses crooked and her hair all messed up, and even though this a Van Halen song, the Ramones are there walking through the halls PLAYING THEIR GUITARS WALKING THROUGH THE HALLS. Look the song up on any lyrics site, and you’ll see that the rest is made up mostly of “Ooh yeah!”s and “Woo!”s — or go rent Rock n’ Roll High School. That should help you visualize all of this a little better.


2 responses to “I’m Hot for Teacher – Douchebag Anthem

  1. So you do realize that this song came out 2 years before Sammy Hagar joined the band, right? And that the lyrics are SUPPOSED to evoke your average at-risk high school jerks? So it’s safe to say, at least in your case, that it worked.

  2. ^ And now you know how many Van Halen albums I own.

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