LOSTWATCH!! – “Only eight of us survived.”

Tonight’s episode starts off in New Otherton. Locke has thrown in the towel with all his mystical Jacob’s cabin mumbo jumbo and opened up a bed and breakfast. Satisfied with this new direction his life has taken, he makes Ben an omelet. Ben, on the other hand, is none too pleased. He throws John’s omelet against the wall and tells him he wants a ham sammich. John has a few questions about the island, which Ben refuses to answer. Surprisingly, not all of the island’s secrets were revealed tonight.

Later, Kate comes to Locke and asks to see Miles, who Locke has “locke”d up in a chicken coop. Locke tells her that it’s the dawning of a new age and declares himself High Chancellor of New Otherton. But hope is not lost. Kate is able to trick Hurley into revealing where Miles is hidden. Hurley tells Kate that she “Scooby-Doo’ed” him. Not exactly sure what that means, but it sounds sexual.

In tonight’s flash-forward, we see that Kate has finally been called to account for all that stuff she did before the crash. This is where the story gets crazy. In a surprising twist, Kate tells her lawyer that she doesn’t want her son in the courtroom. This begs the question, just who is Kate’s lawyer? Fret not though, because the surprise her lawyer has up his sleeve is better than ten Super Bowls! In a surprising twist, he calls future-Jack to the stand as a character witness. Jack goes on to recount what happened that fateful day in September 2004. Oceanic flight 815 crashed in the ocean? Only eight of them survived? Kate rescued Jack and nursed him back to health? Jack doesn’t love Kate? What is this? All will be explained later, in a surprising twist.

Kate talks to Miles, who says he’ll answer all of her questions if she’ll get him a minute of face time with Ben. Kate agrees, and gets Sawyer to distract Locke with a game Dance Dance Revolution. Miles tells Ben that the people he works for really want to find him. Like, they really REALLY want to find him. Miles is willing to tell them that one Benjamin Linus died if he will agree to give him a million-bajillion dollars. Ben squints through the one eye that isn’t swollen and is like, “Dude, WTF?” but ultimately agrees. Once Locke finds out what Kate has done, he votes her off the island, using his inherit powers as High Chancellor.

Back on the beach, Daniel and Charlotte are playing Three-card Monte. Daniel can’t remember the cards Charlotte has laid down, and this is distressing for some reason. Jack and Juliette come up, and after Jack catches his breath, he asks why he can’t get in touch with anyone on their boat. Charlotte calls an emergency number to ask about Sayid and Desmond. Regina (their confederate on the boat) says they never showed up! Will the craziness ever stop? The show has to end sometime, I guess.

Miles, safely tied back up, is paid a visit by Locke. He’s pretty pissed that there are all these people walking around not answering any of his questions. He shoves a grenade in Miles’ mouth, says “C’est la vie, beetches,” and takes off. Miles mumbles incoherently.

In the future, Kate’s lawyer is able to strike a deal and get her off with only a slap on the wrist, showing the inherent flaws in the US legal system. On her way out of the courthouse she’s met by Jack. He tells her that he loves her, that he’s always loved her, and that she makes him a complete person. Kate’s only interested if Jack can settle down and be a good baby’s daddy. Jack, in typical make fashion, tells Kate that he has this thing he has to go to, but he has her e-mail address, and that he’ll shoot her a line sometime this weekend. Kate gets in a cab and takes off.

On the island, things are getting awesome. Before heading back to the beach, Kate pays a visit to a bare-chested Sawyer, who’s just chillin’, reading a copy of the Kama Sutra he “found lying around”. The rest of the episode? Porno porno porno! It took three years, but it was better than we ever could have imagined. In a deleted scene, Hurley (also shirtless) comes out of the bathroom and says, “Alright let’s do this,” then proceeds to Scooby-Doo them both.

NOW, the kicker. In the future, Kate goes home to her son (who was alluded to earlier). Our first glimpse of him reveals blond hair! Sawyer’s the father! But wait, the baby’s really cute! Jack’s the father! “Hi mommy,” he says, to which Kate replies, “Aaron, you so crazy.”

Bwaah? What happens to Clair?(!) Her impending doom lends credence to the theory that all attractive women on the island die in some way. Or it’s entirely possible she’ll show up in the next episode and tell Kate that she’s sorry her pilates class ran so long. Of course, for answers to our questions, we’ll have to wait another week. I give tonight’s episode an A++. Compelling, and rich.

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