MOSCOW – Speaking this afternoon at a press conference in the Kremlin, Russian President Vladimir Putin announced that his country would be ending it’s 17-year relationship with the United States.
“You know, after such a long time, you get comfortable. And you kind of don’t want to admit that you might be doing something wrong,” Putin said. His remarks were met with suspicious glares from a throng of attending reporters. “It’s just that things are so messed up with this whole Prime Minister thing. I just don’t feel like I can handle a serious relationship right now,” he stammered. “I think we should see other people.” Looking as if a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders, Putin spoke heavily on how America had tried to change the former world power. “At first it was just small stuff, like only hanging out with their friends. They’d say ‘We’ll hang out with your friends next week,’ but it’d never happen. And then like the next day they’d tell me that I needed to start releasing political prisoners and providing jobs for people. It was just unhealthy, man.”
The Russian President said that his country would wait an appropriate amount of time before jumping back onto the international dating scene, stating his desire that Russia not “look like a slut.” Until then, Putin said the country would be taking a little time off. “I don’t know. Go on a road trip. Work out, read, consolidate political and military power. Just get my head straight.”
The press conference ended on an upbeat note, with Putin reiterating hopes that Russia and America would remain friends. “I mean, yeah. Like, definitely. Shoot me an e-mail, and we’ll like, go out for drinks or something,” he said, smiling unconvincingly.
America could not be reached for comment. In a prepared statement, America’s best friend, England, said, “They’re better off without that a**hole. Just watch, Russia and China will hook up like, next week. What a dick.”