LOSTWATCH!! – “Tales of Ribaldry”

Hello, and welcome to Tales of Ribaldry! I’m your host, Evelyn Quince. Tonight, we have a particularly randy tale of a philandering chemical engineer who finds himself under the care of a wanton fertility doctor. Will she use her powders and elixirs to restore his health? Methinks he may require medicine of a different sort! Let’s watch!

Juliette: Oh excuse me! Excuse me! Sir?

Goodwin: Hello doctor. Apologies. I thought I was alone.

Juliette: Oh my, you’ve hurt yourself. Look. Your arm is red and swollen.

Goodwin: I must be in need of medical attention. I’m beginning to notice another swelling of the extremities as we speak.

Juliette: Oh my!

Oooh! I’m blushing like a schoolgirl! Imagine, the doctor, isolated and alone on a mysterious island. Desperate for affection, she turns to the able-bodied chemical engineer. Will they set out to solve the island’s mysteries together, or will they be content investigating the mysteries of the flesh? Such passion! Such excitement! Such delightful debauchery!

Juliette: Oh Goodwin, won’t you join me for a swim?

Goodwin: In a moment, love. Come. Have a glass of wine.

Juliette: Ahh, the perfect day! Made all the more perfect by the absence of your wife! Haha!

Goodwin: Haha!

Such delicious infidelity! But this episode does beg the question, where, pray tell, is the engineer’s therapist wife? Out making house calls while her husband undergoes therapy of another sort? Oh the rrribaldry is almost too much to bear!

Harper: I know what you’ve done, Juliette! Sleeping with my husband like some common trollop!

Juliette: Why so surprised? Rather than go wanting, your husband sought satisfaction with me! ‘Twas no fault of my own.

Harper: Harlot!

Rrrreeeeeerrrrrrr! Hssssss! Of course, the most ribald tales involve not only another woman, but another man as well. Slighted by his friend, he pines for his love, and plots his revenge! Deliciously dangerous? Indeeed!

Ben: You are mine, Juliette! You belong to me!

Juliette: Wrong Benjamin. I am a woman, and belong to no man. Besides, I belong to Goodwin!

Ben: I’m afraid your tawdry affair with the late Master Goodwin is quite at an end.

Juliette: The late Goodwin? What do you mean?

Ben: Don’t you know? He was run through… by my own sword!

What? This won’t do at all. Our bawdy tale has been transformed into one of murder and villainy! Hmmph! No matter. Join me next week when our tale will be that of Desmond Hume and the Nobelman’s Daughter. The Scotsman’s erotic adventure definitely proves that old Scottish dictum, ’empty barrels make the most noise’! How delightfully suggestive! I can hardly wait! Until then, I’m Evelyn Quince. Goodbye everybody, goodbye!

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3 responses to “LOSTWATCH!! – “Tales of Ribaldry”

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  2. To quote 10 Things I Hate About You–“Does this chick have beer-flavored nipples or something?”

  3. PANDAWATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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