by Andy Rooney
It’s funny how people change as they get older. Take me, for example. As I get older I ask myself more and more, who am I, and what am I doing here?
Last week while watching TV I was surprised to see myself on 60 Minutes. I was talking about how great umbrellas are at keeping the rain off my head, but not off the back of my legs. I called my daughter and asked her if this was some sort of magician’s trick. She told me that it wasn’t, and that I had been working on 60 Minutes for almost thirty years. I told her that I didn’t understand all these new breakfast cereals I see at the grocery store these days. So much sugar. I’ll stick to my Wheat Mash, thank you.
Another time I opened my eyes and found myself surrounded by bright lights and people with television cameras. The people with the cameras were very helpful, but the lights scared me, and hurt my eyes. To cover, I started talking about this funny-looking dog I saw once. I kept getting checks in the mail, so I guess no one noticed. I called my daughter to ask her about it, and she told me that I had been working on 60 Minutes for almost thirty years. Acting on television is all well and good, but what I’d really like to do is direct. I asked my daughter about that too. She told me that she was the operator and not my daughter.
She told me that if I signed up for their new long-distance service, I could receive a free cell phone — a Razor, I think she called it. I enjoy a good shave as much as the next man, but I don’t understand all these new razors companies are selling. One of them has three blades, this other one has five. They say that the extra blades give you a closer shave. I told the operator that if I wanted three shaves, I would shave with the same blade three times, thank you. She told me that she was my daughter, not the operator.
I’m sorry, what was I saying? Anyway, what I’ve learned from all this is that dogs really do look like their owners. Especially the funny-looking ones.