PANDAWATCH!! – “I need another panda.”

“We now go to Brian Fantana, with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian.”

Pandawatch! Moods are tense as Lost fans everywhere begin the slow recovery process from one of the biggest mindf***s in the show’s impressive twenty year run. Jin, dead somehow. Sun, dating Hurley. We’ve seen flashbacks and we’ve seen flashforwards, but never before have we been so thoroughly and painfully double-teamed. One has to wonder, did Hurley kill Jin in an attempt to steal his wife? Is Hurley really the father of Sun’s newborn daughter? Is Jin one of the Oceanic Six? Why am I still so confused? Thanks for nothing, Lost jerks!

“Great story, Brian. Compelling, and rich.”

And now, LOSTWATCH!!

On the freighter, Desmond and Sayid have been left to rot inside their room, passing the time any way they can.

Sayid: Okay, if you were trapped on a desert island–

Desmond: Shut up.

After a few days, Dr. Ray tells them the captain wants to see them. Just who is the captain, you ask? None other than House MD. He pulls his usual tricks, but is more forthcoming than you’d think.

Desmond: Who’s boot is this, brutha?

House: It belongs to one Charles Widmore. Don’t worry, he didn’t come out here looking for you. Now get over to Minkowski’s house and see if you can find anything strange under his sink or in the toolshed out back.

House twirls his cane and passes out from taking too many Vicodin. A nice enough fellow perhaps, but Sayid and Desmond are still unsure what to think, because of a mysterious note that was passed to them during homeroom.

Dr. Ray takes them to their room, and this is where things get awesome. We’ve been waiting for weeks to find out who Ben’s man on the boat is. Fans everywhere had their theories. Subtle hints were dropped. Those who listen to the Official LOST Podcast knew that this week we’d finally get answers. Dr. Ray shows Sayid and Desmond their room, which looks like something out of Silent Hill. Noticing a big, disgusting blood stain on the wall, he calls for a lone figure mopping the floor at the far end of the hallway.

Ray: Hey Dawson, I mean, Johnson, get over here. Clean up all this blood that’s mysteriously smeared around for some reason.

Michael: Oh, right away massah. I clean it up right nice fo’yuh.

Ray: Well, I didn’t mean–

Michael: I know what you meant. Get the hell out of my face, stupid cracker. I’m goin’ up top.

Unfortunately, the identity of Ben’s spy remains unknown. As does almost everything else about the freighter.

Back on the island, since nobody’s being shot at or chased or beaten, the castaways are catching up on some much needed R&R. All except Sun and Jin, that is. With the possibility of rescue becoming more and more unlikely, they’ve decided to defect to Locke’s camp on Snake Mountain. Juliet, who just wants everyone to like her, will have none of it. She begs and pleads with Sun to stay, telling her that if she leaves, her and her unborn child won’t survive. Sun tells Juliette to get bent, and that she could never make Jack as happy as Kate could. To get back at her, Juliette tells Jin about the time Sun was totally schlepping around behind his back, and Sun is all standing there, and Juliette is like, “That’s how I roll.” And right then, Bernard runs into the middle of things and says, “Hey Sun, I overheard something about you cheating… on… Jin…? Oooooh, sorryyyy.” Of course, Jin is a better man than I am and totally forgives her, lending credence to the theory that Asian people are better than everyone.

Man, we sure did have some fun this episode, didn’t we? Yeah, we did. So let’s ruin it all in the last five minutes. Sun, her new daughter, and Hurley go to a cemetery to visit who? Jin. Who’s dead. Not really sure what happened after that, because I couldn’t hear the TV over my crying. Why did Jin have to die? Will Sun recover? Will I recover? Will Hurley have to wait long before putting the moves on Sun? Dry your eyes, and join us next week for LOSTWATCH!!

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One response to “PANDAWATCH!! – “I need another panda.”

  1. Dear Mr. Lost,
    What is it going to take to get someone to beat Juliette’s stupid face into a bloody pulp? A wussy little slap, seriously? Your husband beat and killed people for a living and you didn’t pick up anything along the way?
    PS could Michael’s complexion have been any worse? Hello.

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