FRAK ATTACK!! – “We’re Cylons.”

BSG? More like OMG! As in **** **** last night’s premiere was ******* awesome! It began where last season left off, with Jimi Hendrix revealing four of the final five Cylon models

The show’s new opening sequence promises that one more will be revealed, probably sometime in 2009.

SO, the Fleet is under attack and hotshot newbie Anders is eager to prove himself. When he finally joins the fight, he trails Seelix, saying, “Next one’s mine. Next one’s mine. Wait, wait… Next one’s mine.” By this point, half the Fleet is dead. Before Anders knows it he’s face to face with a Cylon raider.

After a long staring contest, the raider winks at him and the entire Cylon fleet jumps away. Even stranger than the Cylons running away is the return of Starbuck, who might as well have Earth chained to the back of her viper for that big, dumb grin on her face. Lee’s happy because he has someone to cheat on his wife with, but everyone else is afraid that this is another Cylon trick.

Once Starbuck is back on the ship, she’s all like “Surprise!”. Anders is like, “I see dead people,” and Lee is like, “ZOMGHUGZ!!1!” Adama, Tyrol and others check out Starbuck’s viper. Tyrol’s making with the jokes, but Admiral Adama is in no mood.

Tyrol: Man she must have found like a viper store on Earth because this thing is cherry LOL! Gimme some.

Adama: I hate you so much.

Even though she was lost over two months ago, Starbuck swears she’s only been gone a few hours. She tells everyone that there was a moon, and a gas giant, and you- and you- and you were there.

Meanwhile, Gaius Baltar’s life has gotten awesome. He’s kidnapped by a group of hot chicks who whisk him away to their secret love dungeon. They spend their time praying, sleeping on big piles of pillows and having sex, in groups. He can die now because things can only go down from there.

In the middle of all this, Adama and Lee find the time to say that they still love each other. Lee is wearing this sweater he bought at Express, to remind the old man that he’s quit his job as CAG. Adama takes Lee’s wings out from his pocket and is like, “For old times’ sake?” Lee tells him that he can’t, that he needs to get his head on straight, figure out who he really is and what he wants in life. He’s gonna travel, go to Europe or something. Take a semester off.

Starbuck’s telling everyone that she doesn’t know the way to Earth so much as she feels it, but everytime the Fleet makes a jump in the wrong direction, that feeling gets harder and harder to hold onto. Because she’s a lying b***h, Adama is jumping the Fleet in the complete opposite direction. Starbuck is royally pissed and so takes a walk with Anders, who’s feeling major guilt after realizing he’s a Cylon.

Anders: You know babe, if I found out you were a Cylon, I’d be like… totally cool with it. Totally. So like, do you… think you’re a Cylon, too — I mean, a Cylon?

Starbuck: Sam, if I found out you were a Cylon, I’d shoot you just to watch you die.

Anders starts sweating, but can’t show that he’s nervous, so he’s all like, “Man, you are DARK!”, and ruffles Starbuck’s hair. It’s here that Starbuck realizes only after she murders the President will everyone realize how sane and rational she is, and how she only has the Fleet’s best interests in mind. So, after beating up the most ineffectual marines you ever imagined, she makes her way to Adama’s quarters, where the President’s been shacking up. President Roslin wakes up to find a gun in her face. Who’s gun? That, and more, will be revealed in next week’s episode!

Better than ten Superbowls! If SCI-FI decides to air the back ten episodes in 2009, I am just gonna snap. Anyway, join us again next week, for another FRAK ATTACK!!


3 responses to “FRAK ATTACK!! – “We’re Cylons.”

  1. Great start….could be better but then again I guess criticizm is only constructive if you actually say WHY it could be better. Ahhh to being the same at all the other grains of salt people take me with.

  2. I’ve officially grown to hate Starbuck. Less Starbuck, more Tyrol and Adama boxing.

    Billy, you’re stupid.

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