This week, we take a look at the movie that finally won Martin Scorsese an Oscar…
1. Cocaine and women.
What is it about the cocaine that makes people want to get on the floor and roll around in it? And as long as you’ve got it, it doesn’t matter how baggy and wrinkled your skin is, women will do anything you ask them to. It helps if you throw the cocaine in their face and tell them to do something humiliating. Movies show us this and we know it to be true.
2. Vera Farmiga
One thing The Departed brought to our attention was the delectable Vera Farmiga. Vera is tasty and spends most of the movie looking adorable (this applies only to The Departed and NOT to some of her other films). I’d gladly feed her Lemon Chiffon Cake at my study group while we discussed the Signet Society.
3. Boston accents.
“Sahgent, we need ahl of youhr undahcovah agents’ names if weah gonah take down Cahstello.” All the majors did a great job learning that crazy mish-mash Bostonians call English, except for Jack Nicholson, who we love so much that he could have filmed all his scenes in his Joker makeup and we wouldn’t have cared.
Lazio: Without asking for too many details, do you have anyone in with Costello presently?
Dignam: Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe f**k yourself. My theory on Feds is they’re like mushrooms. Feed ’em s**t and keep ’em in the dark. You girls have a good day.
Although he dazzled us in Fear and Planet of the Apes, Mark Wahlberg really broke out as Sgt. Sean Dignam. He reminded us all that the F-word is more funny than it could ever be offensive, and that just when you think the bad guy is going to get away, you can always sneak into his apartment and shoot him in the head. Which brings us to…
5. Getting shot in the head.
Make it stop! Were you rooting for Matt Damon? Leonardo DiCaprio? The black guy from K-Ville? It doesn’t matter, because everybody eventually gets shot in the head! Yes yes, Martin Sheen was dropped from the top of a building, but in the movie’s deleted scenes someone walks past his body and shoots it in the head, and is then immediately shot in the head.
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