FRAK ATTACK!! – “I wanna frak.”

Are we interested in being taken to new sexual heights aboard a Cylon resurrection ship? Yes. Veeery interested.

Down in Tyrol’s quarters, Nicholas is crying. Always the responsible mother, Cally stumbles around, drinking booze and popping pills. Things haven’t been so great with Tyrol lately. Cally knows it’s her fault and is trying to chase her guilt away with the brownest of the brown liquors. She decides to go down to Joe’s bar to find her husband and apologize, only to find him with that whore Tory! Tyrol’s indignant; can’t two friends have a drink, stroke each other’s arms and talk about all these new feelings they’re having? How insecure is she?

Lee’s just taken his Quorum position. He anxious to get down to business, but Zarek tells him that after the Baltar trial, President Roslin will probably keep him on the sidelines.

Lee: I had some bills I wanted to discuss. Projects Delegate Cowen was pushing before she died.

Roslin: Mr. Adorma, why don’t you discuss us all up some coffee. Thaaanks.

Meanwhile, Nicholas is crying. On the Demetrius, emo-Starbuck has gone batsh*t insane and spends most of her time skulking in the shadows and smearing poop on the walls of her quarters. Anders finds her painting a face on a volleyball. Starbuck says his name is Wilson and he’s going to help them on their way to Earth. Anders is skeptical. In a totally unforeseen plot twist, they yell at each other and have sex.

Back on the Basestar, the Brothers Cavil announce that they’ve seen the error of their ways and want to end the feud between the seven Cylon models. They agree to stop lobotomizing the raiders and unbox the D’Anna line.

Cavil: We’ll just need to travel to a secret location to upload her information.

Natalie: Well I don’t forsee any problems with that. Agreed.

In her quarters, Cally finds a mysterious note about a meeting in weapons locker 1701D (ZOMGEASTEREGGZFTW!!1!). Now’s her chance to catch Tyrol and Tory in the act. Because her diet consists mainly of booze and pills, she’s able to squeeze in between a crack in the wall and spy on Tigh, Tyrol and Tory, who are still meeting every week to talk about how weird it is now that they they’re Cylons. Their meetings always follow a strict schedule. First, Tigh yells at someone. The Chief paces around and looks like he’s deep in thought, then Tory says something weird. Tigh tells them all to go frak themselves, and they break. Anyway, it certainly seems to be raining s**t on Cally.

Natalie’s basestars jump to the specified coordinates. For some reason, the resurrection ship doesn’t follow. In a move that surprises no one, Natalie and friends are ambushed by a group of Cavil’s basestars and destroyed. As the ship blows up around her, the camera closes in and Natalie says, “Ay dios mio.” Nicholas starts crying.

Cally runs. Runs, runs to her quarters and grabs Nicholas, who starts crying. She takes him down to the hangar deck and locks both of them in a launch tube. Suddenly Tory appears. She plays nice, inches closer and closer, and then CYLON PUUUUUNNCCH!!1! She knocks Cally clear across the room and runs out with Nicholas, who starts crying. A minute later she opens the tube hatch and launches Cally out into space. Will the crew of the Galactica be able to rescue her? Tune in next week to find out!

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