A rip-off is only a rip-off if it sucks. If the movie is actually good, it’s an homage. This week’s movie was able to rise above that, to be categorized on a level of kick-assery all it’s own.
1. Gun Kata.
“Through analysis of thousands of recorded gunfights, the Cleric has determined that the geometric distribution of antagonists in any gun battle is a statistically-predictable element. The Gun Kata treats the gun as a total weapon, each fluid position representing a maximum kill zone, inflicting maximum damage on the maximum number of opponents, while keeping the defender clear of the statistically-traditional trajectories of return fire. By the rote mastery of this art, your firing efficiency will rise by no less than 120%. The difference of a 63% increased lethal proficiency makes the master of the Gun Katas an adversary not to be taken lightly.”
2. Taye Diggs’ face getting sliced off.
Taye Diggs is a good actor, and in Equilibrium he didn’t lay things on too thick. You didn’t hate his character, you just wanted to give him a good kick in the nuts. Fortunately, Christian Bale took care of that for us. Except instead of kicking him in the nuts he cut off his face (note, not his head, but his face) with a sword.
3. Gun Kata!
And then there was that part when Preston is out in The Nethers and the cops find him smuggling puppies in the trunk of his car, and he’s all like wa-BLAM! He’s spinning around and shooting everything and then these spikes come out of the butt of his gun for some reason and he smashes everyone’s bike helmets and KILLS. EVERYONE. And what made it even better was that six soldiers with automatic weapons couldn’t do anything besides yell, spin around, shoot EACH OTHER and die. A million fanboys are heard creaming their pants.
4. This thing…
We all get special effects, but still paused the movie and scratched our heads and asked, “How could they get them to do that?”
HOLY **** DID YOU ******* SEE THAT? Dood they’re like fighting and slapping guns out of each other’s face and then he like grabs him and it’s like they’re dancing but then they keep slapping the guns and you make the whooshing noises with your mouth like whoo whoo whoo whoo and then Preston kills him and you’re all like DIES AND IZ DED. And of course we ran out to Wal-Mart and bought the laser tag sets that come with the little sensors. And we stuck them to our foreheads and had Gun Kata fights with our friends, but since we’re all homos, we looked like retards in a sissy slap fight… and the sensors kept falling off.
Many movies have attempted to show us what fun shooting people can be, but Equilibrium really drove the message home. We hope you enjoyed this week’s edition of 5 Things. If there’s something we missed, shoot us an email at firstname.lastname@example.org.