LOSTWATCH!! (extended edition) – “He changed the rules.”

And we’re back! Last night we saw Indiana Linus and his ethnic friend Short Round on a dangerous trek through the sun-drenched Sahara Desert. Suddenly, they’re confronted by two nasty-looking Bedouin. Slowly reaching behind him, Ben asks, “What’s your favorite song? Mine’s ‘Whip It’!” In a flash he uncoils his whip (pun) and whips his two would-be attackers. One of their heads pops right off. The other yells, “It’s 1935! I don’t get that reference!”

Short Round: Haha Dakka Ben! You may doze bah’men pay!

Ben: That’s right, kid. Let’s get out of here.

They both ride off on horses.

On the island, Kate spies Jack out of the corner of her eye and nonchalantly shows off a little extra skin, because if a girl’s got it, she has to flaunt it. Jack’s even more out of breath than usual and doesn’t notice. Kate follows him inside a tent, where’s he rummaging through their remaining store of precious medicine.

Kate: Jack, is the helicopter ever coming back? Oops, my shirt fell off.

Their tryst is short-lived, because Bernard’s found a dead body in the water. It’s Doctor Ray, from the freighter. Daniel would love to call the freighter and get some answers, if only the sat phone were working. 😦

Back in New Otherton, Locke, Sawyer and Hurley are under vicious attack, right? No! They’re just sittin’ around, playing a game of Monopoly. Locke smiles and says, “You sunk my battleship!” Sawyer pats him on the head and tells Hurley that grandpa needs his meds upped. Suddenly, the phone rings. When they pick it up, a computerized voice asks if they’d be interested in long-distance savings. Locke nods and answers, “Yes. Very interested.”

The Losties find Ben playing the piano. When they ask him what the crazy phone call was all about, he goes totally batsh*t. “WHAT?!” he screams. He jumps up and starts barricading the doors. “Sawyer, take this shotgun! Locke, there’s a C90-CR-BK rocket launcher inside the piano! Hurley, Aaron’s dead weight. You’ll have to eat him.” Sawyer needs someone to love and with Kate in Camp Jack, he runs off to rescue Claire.

The Tremors begin their attack on the camp, running out of the bushes with flares in their hands. An unsuspecting castaway is shot. “Hey!” another castaway yells before being shot. “Wha?” another castaway yells before being shot. “I’m shot!” another castaway yells before being shot.

Things are blowing up, unsuspecting castaways are being shot, and there’s Jeeves Tremor, holding a gun to Alex’s head. Ben tries to play it cool and is all like, “Whatevs,” until Jeeves really shoots her, then his big old bug eyes pop right the hell out of his head. Ben calls down the thunder. Lostzilla roars through the jungle and falls on the freighter folk, who are super freaked once they realize their guns can’t shoot clouds.

Once the excitement has died down, Ben tells Locke that they need to find Jacob. Sawyer’s fed up and says he and Claire are heading back to the beach. A fight breaks out over who gets custody of Hurley, and before you know it everyone has a gun pointed at someone’s head. Locke is like, “Hey!” and Sawyer is like, “Hey yourself!” and Mr. Orange is like, “He f**king shot me, Larry!” In the end, Hurley goes with Locke and Ben.

On the island, Faraday has concocted a plan to get the satellite phone working again. He says that at exactly 10:04 pm, lightning will strike the clock tower, providing the 1.21 gigawatt charge they need to recharge the phone. A moment later they answer back.

Jack: Are they coming for us?

Daniel: Hey, relax guy. Look over there.

Angry and out of breath, Jack grabs Daniel by that chicken neck of his and tells him he doesn’t want to see him when he gets angry.

Ben’s travels have led him to a dark hotel room. As he creeps inside, he whispers, “Charles?” A moment later…

Charles: Hello, old friend.

Ben: Quid pro quo, Charles. You killed my daughter, now I’m going to kill yours.

Charles: I feel nothing but pity for anyone who goes to that school looking for trouble.

Ben: Wait… What?

It’s the wrong Charles. Ben apologizes and leaves.

Next week: The race is on for who will control the island. Be there as the Queen herself throws the checkered flag!

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4 responses to “LOSTWATCH!! (extended edition) – “He changed the rules.”

  1. Funniest post ever. Seriously.

    I found NOTHING wrong with it!

  2. Ahaha, that first picture almost makes me not hate Ben. How long, do you think, before Kate goes after him? Hussie.

  3. Haha! I love these recaps. “Oh no! Guns can’t shoot smoke!” I can almost see an “ICanHasCheezburger” pic from that: “Oh Noez! I Cant Haz Smoke Monster?”

    And love the Charles Xavier reference. Good stuff.

  4. ^ As long as people are reading, I’ll be writing them. 🙂

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