LOSTWATCH!! – “You’re not even related to him!”

Jack was up all night drinking, and now he’s stumbling around making a fool of himself in front of everyone. Juliette tries calming him down, but it’s no use. He pushes her off and tries to catch his breath.

Jack: Jussasecon, jussasecon… Guys… umm, you know, like, we’re gonna get off the island. ‘Cause, I love you guys so much… an-and… *cries*

Juliette puts him to bed. She tells Kate that he’s had a lot to drink and that they might need to remove his liver. Kate tells her that it’s his appendix that needs to be removed, and that she’s an idiot and should stick to pediatrics.

In the future (!) Jack’s walking around naked in his big, expensive house. He checks himself out in a mirror and towels off his love-handles before jumping in the shower with Kate (yes!). Later, Kate walks around looking hot in one of Jack’s doctor shirts. Then they make out. I’m sure we all have jobs as fulfilling as Matthew Fox’s.

On the beach, Bernard is getting ready to throw down on Faraday and Charlotte. Faraday says that all they ever wanted was to help, but Charlotte tells him not waste his breath.

Charlotte: It’s pointless Daniel. We’ve been tried and convicted in the court of public opinion. *snicker*

Daniel: Charlotte, why don’t you just shut the f**k up, ‘kay?

Juliette breaks things up and tells everyone that Jack needs his appendix removed. Kate throws up her hands and walks away. Juliette says she’s going to need someone to go to the medical station to get a few supplies. Eager to show what a great guy he is, Faraday says that he and Charlotte will go. Juliette likes the cut of his jib, but doesn’t know if she can trust him. She hands Jin her gun and says to put them down if they try anything funny. Jin takes a look at the gun and says it’s the coolest ninja star he’s ever seen.

Jin and friends head off to the medical station and Juliette gives Jack a sponge bath. “You know what would be awesome?” he asks. “If you were Kate. Hey, have you ever performed an appendectomy?” “Sure I have,” Juliette answers. Jack winces. “Then why are you shaving those?”

In the future (!), Jack gets a call from the FBI’s Behavioral Science Unit and asked if he could give a little insight on a case they’ve been working. Jack agrees and heads over to the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane. Inside, a kindly old guard tells him, “Past the others. It’s the last cell. Stay to the middle. I put out a chair for you.” As Jack reaches the end of the hallway, he’s waiting for him. Like he knew he was coming.

Jack: Dr. Lecter.

Lecter: You’re worried, Jack. Worried that you’ve made the wrong choice. Worried that you’ve let down those who depend on you the most. It haunts you, Jack. I myself am also haunted. Our old friend, Charlie. He gave me a message, for you. Before the night is over, you will be visited by three ghosts.

Jack: Humbug!

Jack runs home and proposes to Kate, and man, it’s just awesome. Because, they’re so great, and just… man I wish I were on Lost!

At the medical station, Sun looks a little upset. When Jin asks her what’s the matter, she tells him that the baby’s kicking. Jin’s surprised. “You’re pregnant? What do you weigh, like fifty pounds?” After they get back to the beach, he corners Charlotte.

Jin: Now you risten, and risten good. I break all you finga — LOL I’m sorry I couldn’t resist. But seriously, you get Sun off this island, or I’m gonna f**k you up.

Charlotte: Could my forehead get any bigger?

Jin: What?

Juliette starts operating. “This is just like MASH,” she says. “I’m Hawkeye. Bernard, you’re Alan Alda. Jin’s Charlie. Get it?” Bernard looks over at her. “You know everybody hates you, right?”

Back at the hospital, where the only prerequisite to working there is that you look good in a white lab coat, Jack’s studying an x-ray when he hears a strange noise outside his office. Slowly, he creeps into the lobby. That’s when he sees him.

Jack: Wilfred Brimley?

One of Jack’s attractive doctor friends sneaks up on him. She asks if he’s feeling alright. Jack tells her that he’s totally cool, but wonders if she’d write him a prescription for cocaine. “Oh yeah, man. No worries.” She pulls out her doctor pad and scribbles something. They stand there for a minute. “Hey,” Jack asks. “How do you think I’d look in a beard?”

Kate walks in on Juliette and an unconscious Jack in the hospital tent. Juliette jumps up and hides something.

Juliette: Oh dammit! Kate. You scared the bejeezus out of me.

Kate: Juliette, what were you doing?

Juliette: What? Nothing. What? Jack said he loves you. I gotta go.

In the future (!), Kate comes home to find Jack asleep at his desk. He snaps awake and asks her where she’s been. When she won’t tell him, he chases her around and throws bowling balls at her.

Kate: Jack, I can’t have you acting like this around my son!

Jack: Kate, he’s just an orphan from a basket in the middle of the desert! Just a bastard in a basket!

As Kate picks up Aaron and storms off, their butler comes in.

Butler: Mr. Jack?

Jack: I’m finished!

**LOSTWATCH!! will return in three weeks (ZOMG *dies*). The wife and I are headed to Europe, and I hear they don’t even have TV over there!

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2 responses to “LOSTWATCH!! – “You’re not even related to him!”

  1. “bastard in a basket” … priceless.

  2. These are awesome recaps! I agree with bill, “bastard in a basket” was hilarious!

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