Why isn’t Guy Ritchie making movies like this anymore? Please enjoy as much as we did…
1. The British mob.
Ultimately, the less threatening British mob will always be compared to the much cooler and more dangerous Italian mob, and rightly so. But still, after seeing Brick Top go to town on that guy in the opening credits with the hammer, or cut that guy’s hand at the boxing match, those big-toothed blokes are not ones we’d want to run afoul of.
We’re not sure if we love Tyrone because of his funny lines (Ah’course oi’am!), or the fact that fat people doing things is inherently funny. Whatever the reason, his role was comedy gold. And when Brick Top tells Vincent and Sol, “You can keep that silly fat wanker. The lads can’t lift him,” I think I crapped myself a little laughing.
3. Bare-knuckle boxing.
Boxing is a great sport, and not surprisingly, the more illegal it gets, the cooler it becomes. And where else besides the mob can you get a cool nickname like “The Gun,” or “Mad Fist”? Not sure if 80-pound Mickey would really be able to drop 260-pound Gorgeous George with one punch like that. We’re looking into it.
“You’re always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it’s no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, ‘as greedy as a pig’.”
Gorgeous George might fookin’ haight paikees, but we fookin’ love ’em! Why? They like camping, we have fun writing their lines phonetically (“Itsnahfermee, itsfermeema.”), and for being poor, they all dress nicely. Plus anyone who doesn’t like Brad Pitt is a Philistine and should be stoned.
How Jason Statham goes from Snatch to In the Name of the King we’ll never know. Maybe we don’t want to know. Anyway, we hope you enjoyed reading this week’s 5 Things as much as we enjoyed writing it. Until next week, and as always, if there’s something we’ve missed, write us at firstname.lastname@example.org.