FRAK ATTACK!! – “Bad. This is really bad.”

We open up on the Demetrius, two months into her mission to find Earth. Helo’s telling Starbuck that they’re due to meet the Galactica soon. Starbuck motions him over and shows him a starchart.

Helo: Starbuck, we’ve searched these grids twice already. You really think we’re going to find something this time?

Starbuck: Oh no. There’s no way we’ll find anything. But we just might find something.

Helo: ??

Back on the Galatica, Tyrol’s jumping rope. He realizes that with Cally gone, nobody’s going to want a bald, overweight ex-hangar chief who’s now been relegated to changing lightbulbs. Nicky’s been neglected and crawls around in a diaper that hasn’t been changed in two weeks.

Starbuck and Hot Dog are out exploring when they pick up a Cylon Heavy Raider on DRADIS. It’s Leoben, who tells Starbuck that it really is him. He’s been to Earth, and he’s going to take them here. What? Why the hell should we have to wait a year to find out what happens? Leoben comes aboard the Demetrius and tells Starbuck that she needs to see the Hybrid. She’s been to Earth, and she’s going to take them there.

Tory has a habit of finding members of the Tyrol family standing alone in viper launch tubes. That’s where she finds the chief, contemplating the strange circumstances surrounding his wife’s death.

Tory: You don’t want to do this. Galen, he’s your son.

Tyrol: What?

Tory: Oh, I’m sorry. I was thinking of something else. So… what’s up?

On the Demetrius, Anders walks in to find Starbuck and Leoben listening to Unchained Melody and making pottery. Anders goes totally bats**t and slams Leoben up against a wall. Leoben proposes an alliance between the Cylons and the Colonials. Anders flexes his muscles and is all like, “As if.”

Tyrol takes a trip down to Baltar’s lair to listen to one of his sermons. Baltar spots him and says that if Cally were here, she would want the two of them to be friends. As Tyrol leaves, Baltar calls out, “If you’d like, I can tell you about a few other things your wife, ‘liked’.” *snicker* Tyrol crushes his windpipe.

Leoben’s heavy raider blows up, killing sergeant Mathias, who was out there walking around on it for some reason. Starbuck flips out, which seems to be getting popular on the Demetrius. She goes down and takes it out of Leoben. Starbuck asks him what happened to her during the two months she was gone.

Leoben: You’re an angel, and you’re going to lead your people home.

Starbuck: Oh yeah well I guess I can see-bwaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh?!

Baltar feels real bad for what he said to Tyrol, so he goes down to his quarters to apologize for the whole thing. He says he’s sorry, then talks about his plans for when they get to Earth and he even reads a little from a screenplay he’s writing. Tyrol’s asleep and misses the whole thing.

Starbuck comes out from her cave to ramble a little bit about Mathias and and duty and honor, and how everything will be alright once they hook up with Leoben’s basestar.

Helo: Oh well I guess that sounds pretty goo-bwaaaaaaaaaahhhhh?!

What will happen next time? Stay tuned over the next few weeks as I struggle to catch up with FRAK ATTACK!!

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