LOSTWATCH!! – “I’m not making any sense, am I?”

We begin in 1955, with Emily Locke swinging and hand-jiving all over her bedroom. When her mom walks in and asks her what she’s doing, Emily says that she’s going out with HIM, and that they’ll probably spend the entire night in an opium den fornicating each other. Upset, her mom chases her out into the rain, where Emily is promptly mowed down by a Buick, made by patriotic Americans in the good ole’ U.S. of A. Even though cars in the fifties were made of cast iron and bricks, Emily escapes with only a few cuts and bruises and a baby. Whaaaaa??

Flash forward. In the jungle, comical antics ensue as Locke, Ben and Hurley just can’t seem to find Jacob’s cabin. “Hey, I was following you!” “Well if you’re in front, and we’re following from behind–” “But I thought you… oh boy!” Ben pokes Hurley’s eyes who slaps Locke’s bald head.

Keamy and the rest of the Joes make it back to the freighter, albeit a little worse for wear. When the doc asks what happened to a member of their team, Keamy says that Lostzilla attacked them and ripped his guts out, then he puts a gun to his head and tells him to put his guts back in. When Captain House comes on deck, Keamy puts a gun to his head and asks if it was him who sold out their team to Ben.

House: You’re obviously suffering from some sort of delusional parasitosis.

Then he twirls his cane and pops a vicodin. He takes Keamy down to see Michael. When Keamy puts a gun to his head, Michael says, “I was just trying to help mah boy.” Sayid uses this opportunity to steal a boat and head back to the island.

In the jungle, Locke wakes up to the sound of someone chopping wood. Exploring a little bit, he finds Horace, the hippy-dippy guy who welcomed Ben to the island right after he graduated from Hogwarts.

Horace: You got to find me Lock–ah dammit I’m bleeding.

Locke leads Ben and Hurley to the mass grave where Ben dumped all the Dharma folks, including his Uncle Rico, who Ben killed after Rico threw a steak in his face. Locke jumps into the pile of rotting corpses like it ain’t no thang and rummages around until he finds a treasure map marking the location of Jacob’s cabin.

In his flashbacks, we find that Locke is some sort of wunderkind who’s been watched his entire life by the likes of Richard Alpert and Desmond Mobay. Alpert, because he thinks Locke may be their next leader. He visits a nine-year-old Locke, and spreads a few things out on the table in front of him. Included are a knife, a Playboy magazine, a Bible, a pack of cigarettes, a ottle of Crown Royale, and some fireworks. Alpert asks Little Johnny Locke which of these things belong to him. His answer is a little depressing.

Little Johnny Locke: I like tohtles.

Desmond Mobay, because he’s needs Locke’s help after killing an undercover cop.

Locke: Look, I just want to go back to my room.

Mobay: Locke mon, ‘ya gotta get me in good wid de bad’guys, ‘yafeelmee brudda?

Finally, our heroes find Jacob’s cabin. When Locke goes inside, he finds Jacob who promptly answers all his questions about the island. Oh wait, that never happened. Jacob’s cabin is under new management, namely Christian Shephard and Claire, who’s just happy that she finally has something to do. Locke gets right to the point.

Locke: How do we get our hands on more of that ranch dressing Hurley likes so much?

Christian tells Locke that he’s an idiot. When he finally emerges from the cabin, Ben can hardly contain himself. “Did he tell you what we’re supposed to do?” he asks.

Locke: He did.

Ben: Well?

Locke: He wants us to move the island.

Ben/Hurley: Here we go again!

Almost done! Be back tomorrow for this season’s exciting conclusion!


2 responses to “LOSTWATCH!! – “I’m not making any sense, am I?”

  1. “Alpert, because he thinks Locke may be there next leader.”

    Alpert, because he thinks Locke may be their next leader.

  2. You got a lot of nerve, ‘ya little punk!

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