LOSTWATCH!! – “We’re going to move the island.”

We hope you enjoyed getting hit upside the head with all that LOST as much as we did last night. So, please enjoy these special finale editions of LOSTWATCH!!

They’ve done it. After four years three months of fighting and struggling and watching their friends die, the Oceanic 6 have made it off the island. They’re on a cargo plane flying to another island in the south Pacific for a big press conference, because nothing is quite as entertaining as the pain and suffering of others. Jack’s giving them a pep-talk before they land.

Jack: Just stick to the story. And remember, rats get the pipe. You feel me?

When they land, their families are all waiting for them. Mr. Paik and his thugs, Jack’s mom who’s appeared out of nowhere (and who must really miss her husband) and Hurley’s stereotypical Mexican mom. Kate and Sayid hang back while everyone ignores them. At the press conference, they’re bombarded with questions: Why does Hurley look so healthy (read fat) after three months on a deserted island? Is it possible others have survived? What the hell was that smoke monster thing? Who was in the coffin? What coffin?

On the island, the castaways are surprised to see the chopper fly overhead. But instead of landing, a package is thrown over the side. It’s the sat-phone. Jack asks Faraday if he can do anything with it. Faraday picks it up and holds it to his forehead.

Faraday: Hmm. Science tells me that they’re headed that way. Maybe you all should check it out and I’ll hold things down here with Charlotte. And maybe we’ll hold one or two more things down, if you catch me.

Jack packs his guts back into his stomach and sets off with Kate to find them. Before long they stumble into Miles and Sawyer. Kate’s shocked to see Sawyer with Aaron. Jack tells Kate to take him back to beach while him and Sawyer head off into the jungle to have a scruffy voice and panting contest. Kate, who’s fallen victim to her throbbing biological urges, is only too happy to. Meanwhile, Sayid has reached the island to ferry all those other castaways no one cares about back to the freighter. When he hears Jack and Sawyer are off chasing the chopper, he and Kate go after them.

In the future, Sun goes to see her father, who spends long days at the office yelling at people. He wasn’t expecting a visit from his daughter.

Mr. Paik: Hahaha! Ignorant donkey-faced woman, why are you not at home, tending to the cooking of foodstuffs and the cleaning of floors?

Sun: This morning I purchased a controlling interest in your company. Now it is you who will respect me.

Mr. Paik: Now it is you who shall feel the wrath of my samurai blade!

Hurley comes home to find his house deserted. He reaches into his waistband and pulls his glock. Before he can take anybody out, surprise! It’s a birthday party! Cheech thought it would be a funny joke to have the party be luau-themed.

Cheech: Hey, you guys thinking about starting a fire or hunting some boar? *snort*

Sayid: Or burying all our friends who died? You ASS.

Jack is finally able to eulogize his dad. After the wake, he’s approached by a woman who claims to be his father’s other woman, and she delivers a shocking revelation! It seems Jack had a half-sister who was also on Flight 815. What was her name? Clea. Cleo? No, Clee-ah. Clive? No, Klee-aaah-air. Ohh. Claire.

After Sayid took off into the jungle, Faraday helped bring the extras back to the freighter. Sun and Jin were in the first batch. Once they’re there, they find a face they never expected to see again. Michael. Sun asks if he’s working for Ben.

Michael: Nah, man. I’m like, no. I’m not working for, ‘ole, whatsisface.

Before things can get too awkward, Desmond runs out and says that there’s a bomb hooked up to the freighter’s engines. Jin tells Sun to tell their daughter that her father loved her very much. That’s a little cryptic, but what could possibly go wrong, right?

Locke, Ben and Hurley have reached the Orchid. They’re hiding from the freighter folk, who are already swarming the place. Ben, always the man with plan, give Locke instructions. He needs to walk straight ahead twenty paces, turn right, head for the fifth elevator, in case it doesn’t work, take the third or the sixth, but NOT the first. Go down three levels, stop, go out fifty paces, take the second left into the science lab, activate the monitors and the teleportation pad, the instruction manuals are in the third drawer. It’d be good to try everything on one of those numbered bunnies first, but if they’re all dead because no one’s been around to feed them for the past five years it’s not the end of the— ah s**t, Keamy found them.

Holy crap isn’t this exciting! Stay tuned for the stunning conclusion!

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One response to “LOSTWATCH!! – “We’re going to move the island.”

  1. Just to say I’m loving these, looking forward to what you do with the final episodes.

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