LOSTWATCH!! (super extended edition) – “All of you have to go back.”

Lost’s stunning season finale picks up right where the last one left off. Jack summons Kate to a secret airport rendezvous to ask if she has any spare change. Nothing? Well, maybe they should head back to the island and check if there’s any there. Kate is furious. How dare he come back after all this time, after all he’s done, hat in hand with an obituary for Jonathan Lockeham and ask her to go back to the island?

Jack looks pathetic and says he thinks he has lice.

In the present, Jack and Sawyer find Hurley taking a wizz in the jungle. Sawyer watches a beat too long and the whole thing is really awkward. Luckily, Locke walks out of the bushes and they’re able to get down to business.

DANGER! looms on the freighter after Desmond finds 500 pounds of C4 ready to blow them all to itty-bits. Jin and Michael take a closer look.

Jin: Rook heah. Whyahs, boom. And heah, boom. Cee-foh, boom.

Desmond scratches his beard and turns to Michael. “Are ‘ye gettin’ any o’this, brutha?”

In the jungle, Kate stumbles out of the brush and into Keamy, who’s brought Ben to the chopper. Kate says she’s being chased by Ben’s people, so Keamy sends Goku and Cocoa Bean to check things out, and that’s when things get awesome. Everything about Keamy screams douchebag, so when he eventually dies you want it to be really satisfying. And satisfying this is. Sayid does a back flip out of the bushes and kicks him in the throat. Then he kills him just to watch him die. In return for helping them out, the Others have agreed to let Kate and Sayid and whoever else leave the island. They’ve all been through a lot together, and their farewell is bittersweet.

Sayid: Hey Ben, you’re awesome.

Ben: You’re awesome.

As everyone leaves, Keamy’s hand twitches. The end? In the future, Hurley gets a visit from a sassy black woman asking if he’s going to do anything crazy. He says that he doesn’t have any drugs, but wait, who is this? It’s WALT! He’s back, but kind of bummed.

Walt: ‘Sup dog. Wish you had come to see. That would have been a slaaaam dunk. Why ya’ll lyin’ about the crash?

Hurley: If we don’t lie, everyone who stayed on the island is DEAD! You got that? DEAD!

Walt: You a stone cold trip, ‘ya heard?

Back on the island, Jack and Locke continue their great, unending b**ch fight over what’s better, science or faith. Ben pops out of one of his secret tunnels and tells Jack there’s a chopper waiting to take him off the island. Jack sweats and John squints, and both will live to fight another day.

On the freighter, Michael suggests they use a tank of liquid nitrogen to freeze the bomb, that way, it won’t blow up until it explodes, and they won’t die until they’re all killed, possibly not until they’re dead. Everyone high-fives and congratulates each other on how innovative they are.

Faraday comes back to the island to pick up more castaways. Juliette thanks him for all the work he’s done. He thinks that maybe he loves her now.

Ben shows Locke the elevator shaft that leads to the Orchid Station. After a few minutes, Locke asks Ben how deep the shaft goes. Ben says it goes deep. Reeeeeeal deep. There are so many Dharma stations, Locke is curious as to what crazy purpose this new one serves. Ben gives him a videotape and we all take a stroll down Exposition Lane. What does the Orchid do? Nobody knows. But the endpoint isn’t really important, it’s how they get there. Anyway, they shouldn’t put metal in the weird transport chamber.

But wait, he’s back! Keamy’s roaming the halls of the Orchid station, trying to lure Ben and Locke out of their hiding places.

Keamy: You cannot hide forever, Ben.

Ben: I will not fight you.

Keamy: Give yourself to the Dark Side. It is the only way you can save your friends. Yes, your thoughts betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for… sister. So, you have a twin sister. Your feelings have now betrayed her too. Obi-Wan was wise to hide her from me. Now his failure is complete. If you will not turn to the Dark Side… perhaps she will!

Ben: NO!

Ben leaps out of the shadows and stabs Keamy in the neck with his lightsaber. When Locke tells him that along with Keamy, he may have killed his friends too, Ben’s voice goes down a few octaves. “Goooood.” With his dying breath, Keamy says that no matter where Ben goes, Widmore will follow him. “Goooood.”

On the beach, Charlotte tells Faraday that she’s decided to stay on the island. When Juliette says she’s also going to hang back, a dejected Faraday skulks off. He knows what this means. From now on, it’s guys only. Why the hell hasn’t he taken off his tie yet?

Oh noes! Jack, Kate and friends are so close to the freighter, but they’re losing fuel fast. Captain Ron yells that they need to get rid of any extra weight. Everyone looks around. Hey, how about that rope! Throw out those canisters! Here, toss out these fuel cans, they’re pretty heavy, with fuel. Alright, that’s it. That’s all the extra weight they could lose. Or is it?

Captain Ron: Hey Hurley, any more weight back there we could lose?

Hurley: No way, dude.

Captain Ron: Um… you sure?

Sawyer hears the call and decides to sacrifice his spot on the chopper so that the others can make it to the freighter. His clothes are pretty heavy, so he loses them first. The he leans over and kisses Kate in a way that makes us unsure who we’d like to trade places with. Then he jumps over the side.

In the future, Future Sayid comes to bust Hurley out of the mental hospital. Outside, there’s a man sitting alone in a car. Like a big, straight-haired cat, Sayid approaches.

Man: Do you have the time?

Sayid: Yes. Time… to die! Wait, that’s no good. It’s death o’clock!

Sayid busts into Hurley’s room and tells him that Jonathan Lockeham is dead and that they need to get somewhere safe. Hurley tells him he’s sees dead people. Before they leave, he looks down at a board game spread out on the table before him.

Hurley: Yahtzee, Abraham Lincoln.

The bomb on the freighter has another five minutes before it explodes. As soon as the chopper lands, they cram it full with the same people who were on it five minutes earlier, including Desmond, Sun and Aaron. They have to leave, NOW! But can they leave without Jin? Jack thinks so, and off they go.

Down below, Michael is alone with the bomb. Suddenly, Christian Shepherd appears to him and says that his entire arc this season was meant to be very anticlimactic. Boom, the bomb explodes and the freighter goes up in flames. On the chopper, Sun freaks out. She screaming and cussing at Jack, who tries calming her down. Who knows, maybe Jin survived. Jin’s head flies up and smashes into the chopper’s windshield. Nope, he’s dead.

In Korea, we see future Sun bump into Charles Widmore. He’s all smiles and handshakes, but Sun gets right down to the nitty-gritty.

Sun: I am a woman with great resources. If we work together, we shall banish the traitors to the Land of Wind and Ghosts. Hai!

What a b***h. It’ll be interesting to see how this one plays out.

In the Orchid, Ben’s stuffed the transporter full of metal, which blows it up somehow. But a big explosion isn’t even the cool part. It’s what’s behind the transporter. Secret tunnels (the island is full of them, don’t you know?) Ben kisses Locke on the mouth. This is goodbye. The Others are waiting to make Locke their new leader. Ben, on the other hand, is meant for a different fate. Look, he tells Locke. I have some real crazy s**t to take care of that nobody’s really going to understand. Why don’t you get out of here? And try not to set the island on fire or anything crazy like that LOL. Locke runs away and Ben crawls down one of the tunnels. What does he find on the other end? A wheel. But not just any wheel, a wheel of fortune. This is it for Ben. He knows that giving the wheel a spin means exiling himself from the island. With tears in his eyes, Ben buys a vowel, spins the wheel and the entire island disappears in a big flash of light.

The castaways on the chopper can’t believe their eyes, the island’s gone! Everyone’s freaked out, but not as much as the chopper, which spins out of control and crashes into the water. Surprisingly, Aaron takes charge of the whole situation. “We’ve got to swim!” he yells, diving out of the wreckage. Jack’s way out of breath, but is able to help everyone into an inflatable raft.

They spend most of their time alone arguing. Hurley can’t believe that Locke was actually able to move the island. No, he didn’t move the island, Jack says. Well then, what’s Jack’s explanation? Well, it wasn’t the island that disppeared, it was the chopper. Hurley hits him. We all knew there was a lot of pent up anger there. Slowly, the seriousness of their situation sinks in. They’re alone, in the middle of the south Pacific, with no one looking for them. What are they going to do?

???: Hello over there!

A boat! But not just any boat, it’s Penny’s boat! Of course, no one is more excited than Desmond to see her. How did she find them, he asks. She gives him the only answer that makes any sense, she followed her heart. True love triumphs in the face of overwhelming odds. It makes me want to puke. Together with Penny, they come up with a plan to get back to civilization, and cover up their entire experience on the island. They don’t want to do it, but who’s going to believe a crap story about a disappearing island? Together, the Oceanic 6 make their way back to civilization.

Years later, drunk Jack uses the powers of alcohol to break into the Hoffs/Drawlar Funeral Parlor. He spends a few minutes stumbling around, knocking things off of shelves before future Ben walks in, all decked out in some slick looking duds. He gives Jack a choice, he can take the blue or the red pill, but once he decides there’s no going back. Jack makes his choice, he’ll go back to the island. Ben tells him it’s not good enough. They all have to come back. It won’t be easy. Kate’s looking hot in someone else’s dress shirts, Aaron just graduated summa cum laude from Harvard, Hurley’s being held in the Baltimore Hospital for the Criminally Insane, Sun is working with Cobra Commander to try and take over the world, and Sayid is busy finishing off Treadstone after his wife, Nadia, was killed in India. Ben smiles. Goooood. Before they leave, Ben looks back to the coffin. The one from last season that set the internets abuzz with theories as to who was inside.

Ben: Have you ever seen Weekend At Bernie’s?

Jack: I’m thirsty.

Ben: Uhhh. Let’s just go.

And we find that the body in the coffin, the mysterious Jonathan Lockeham, is none other than John Locke! Wha? How does that fit into the grand scheme of things? What happened on the island? What does this all me–

Hopefully we all got our fill, because that’s it for the next seven months. With only 34 episodes left, it’s going to be quite a ride until the end. Hopefully you’ve enjoyed LOSTWATCH!! as much as we’ve enjoyed writing it. See you all in February. Sucks, doesn’t it?

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4 responses to “LOSTWATCH!! (super extended edition) – “All of you have to go back.”

  1. You’re losin’ it James.

  2. LOL! This was a great one. Love the first picture of Kate – sooo funny. Faraday now in love with Juliet – yes, I believe that is the case! ha! And Ben’s “goooooood” – nice touch.

    “True love triumphs in the face of overwhelming odds. It makes me want to puke.” Yes, that is the best quote of the whole thing. Awesome!

  3. ^ Much appreciated Dube! Thanks!

  4. You’re welcome!

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