How did people hurt each other before guns were invented? Unfortunately, we don’t know. “Records” and “history” are spotty and unreliable, so we’re forced to turn to comic books for our information, and in extreme cases, movie adaptations of comic books. So this week, let’s jump in the Way-back Machine and take a look at…
1. The finest male specimens this side of Thermopylae.
Ha ha! Why use armor when the enemies’ spears will be deflected by our rock hard abs! Ah yes, you’ve noticed our capes. Scarlet. The color of Persian blood. Ha ha! Yes, we keep our packages carefully bound in strips of leather! Much more accessible when our enemies are in need of a good pecker-slap! Ha ha!
Fighting is all well and good, but we pay for blood. And not just a little. When someone gets slammed in the face with a shield, we want blood splattered on the ground, when they get their leg chopped off, we want buckets of the stuff flying through the air. Thankfully, the movie was in no short supply.
3. The filmmakers’ secret prejudice against Iran.
C’mon. If it’s Iraq now, it’s Iran later. Thankfully, the filmmakers had to the foresight to warn us freedom-loving Americans that if the Iranians had their way, the first thing they’d do is steal all of our gold then take our women and children as slaves. The first thing I did after watching the movie was salute the American flag, and then register for the Army. And speaking of Iran and how evil it is…
Oh s**t is this what they’re bringing with them!? How’d they do that to his arms? It’s off to Canada with me!
5. “This. Is. SPARTAAAA!!”
And just like that, the internet community was changed forever. This ranks right up there with other meme fads like All Your Base and the Star Wars Kid. One of my favorites…