FRAK ATTACK!! – “You are the harbinger of death Kara Thrace.”

Last time on Battlestar Galactica, tensions ran high as Starbuck and Lieutenant Commander Hunter faced-off over the launch keys to the Alabama‘s nuclear missiles. Pushed to the breaking point, Helo and his band of Merry Men relieve Starbuck of duty. But before anyone can breathe a sigh of relief, big dumb Anders stumbles out of his quarters.

Anders: Man, I am so wasted right no– woah. What’s going on?

Anders is all whacked out on Jello-shooters. Needless to say, everything gets shot to s**t, and Gaeta gets shot in the leg.

Everyone’s standing around, with their sweaty muscles, breathing hard and holding guns to everyone’s heads. Starbuck has an idea – she and a few others will jump to Leoben’s baseship to see if his story checks out. Helo nods. That sounds reasonable. Gaeta says his leg hurts. Anyway, they jump to the baseship, or peices of the baseships.

Athena: Looks like we found what’s left of them.

Theoden: So much death.

President Roslin is in sickbay, undergoing diloxin treatments for her cancer. A few beds down, she hears another patient complaining about her treatment. She walks over to take a peek, and guess who it is? Major Kira Nerys from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine!

Roslin: Hi, I’m Laura Roslin. What’s your name?

Kira: We don’t have time for this! Tell the Captain there are five Dominion warships headed straight for the Station!

Roslin: I’m sorry, I don’t get that reference.

Kira tells her to make sure Quark isn’t up to any of his old tricks.

On the baseship, Starbuck and co. learn about the Cylon civil war from Natalie. Natalie says that if they can’t bring things to a decisive end within the next 24 hours, the rebels will seize the capitol. Athena is mobbed by a gaggle of Sharons. The whole thing brings back a lot of unpleasant memories for her.

Athena: I’d really just like to be left alone right now.

Sharon #1: Me too.

Sharon #2: Me three.

Athena: Please. Stop.

Sharon #3: Me four.

Sharon #4: Me five.

Athena: I hate my life.

Back in sickbay, Roslin tries talking to Major Kira again. This whole cancer thing has got her on a religious kick, and she thinks maybe the two of them can find some common ground. Again, she’s disappointed.

Kira: Everyone says he’s just another Starfleet captain, but he’ll always be the Emmisary to me.

Leoben has convinced the other Cylons to let Starbuck see the Hybrid, who’s been coming up with some crazy stuff lately. Her room looks like a Friday night at the UC-Berkeley student union. Smoke, jazz, bohemians snapping their fingers, with the Hybrid right in the middle.

Hybrid: People packed in metal tubes. Cigarettes, death sticks, a clever ruse. The will to live sucked out of me. Teacher never told us this is how life would be. Groovy man.

Crowd: *snap* *snap* *snap* *snap*

Natalie: Screw this. Let’s just unbox D’Anna.

Leoben: Cool beans.

The clock’s just about run out on the Demetrius, and Helo is getting ready to jump back to the Galactica. But suddenly, just before they take off, the baseship appears. Success!

Starbuck: Looks like everything worked out just fine, Helo.

Helo: It sure did, Starbuck. It sure did.

Late that night, Adama and Roslin sit up talking to each other. Adama asks if she’s met anyone or had any experiences that have changed her perspective on things lately.

Roslin: There was this one woman I met in sickbay.

Adama: Tell me about her.

Roslin: Hmm? Oh. Nothing. She’s dead now.

The End


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