It’s a rare case when we get a movie that was more interesting than the book it was based off of, but that’s exactly what we got with…
Denzel Washington is a washed-up soldier. Dakota Fanning is the little girl that finally forces her way… into his heart. Along the way, lots of people get killed. Let’s take a look!
1. Mexico City.
Maybe Mexico City doesn’t belong on a list of things we love, because it’s obviously the most dangerous city in the entire world (well, maybe behind Bahgdad. MAYBE.). You go outside, you get kidnapped. And probably have your ear cut off. After your parents are robbed of millions of dollars, you’re dumped in your underwear off the Av Insurgentes Nte. Which obviously is pretty horrible. It’s a pretty picture though.
2. Christopher Walken.
“Listen. Creasy. I live heah. In Mexico. I lihve. Like a king. Ovah heah. And. No. I hahve no ideah. If Gawd. Will fuhgive us. For waht. We’ve done. Heah. Hahve some ribs.”
I love Christopher Walken. And what’s not to love? This guy does nothing but hang out, eat barbecue and read off of cue cards.
3. Putting a punk in his place.
“I’m going to tear your family apart piece by piece! YOU UNDERSTAND ME?” Coolest line in the whole movie.
Maybe it’s a good thing the picture is a little blurry. Good guys spend plenty of time getting knocked around by the bad guys, while we in the audience can do little more than cringe and wish it weren’t so. Not in this movie. Creasy has a thing for tearing off people’s fingers, whether it be with a knife, or a sawed-off shotgun, as with this poor bastard.
4. Sticking a big ole’ suppository bomb up someone’s ass.
Not only did Creasy blow up the guy’s motorcade with a bazooka, he strapped him to the hood of a car in his underwear with a bomb up his butt. And then, when he tried the whole, “Leesten Senior Creesy, I am jus’ a profesional. I am sorry about ‘de leedle gurl,” Denzel roasted him. Fantastic.
5. Sacrificing yourself for the little girl.
He shot everybody’s hands off, and still got Dakota Fanning back. Of course, he had to trade himself to save her, but she’s worth it. And in the end, it didn’t matter. He had already been shot and was half dead anyway. So, just when the bad guys think they’re gonna go to work on him, they look, and he’s slumped over in his seat. It’s the ultimate f*** you! Linda Ronstadt’s Blue Bayou plays us out.
That’s all for this week. Until next time! Send suggestions to firstname.lastname@example.org.