Walking out of this movie, all the way back in 1997, I thought it would be a real funny prank to drop-kick my brother in the nuts and yell, “I know kung-fu!” He was none too pleased, as are his as-yet unborn children (sorry bro). This week, we take a look at…
What is it about a woman in leather that gives me hot pants? Trinity had me hoping she’d take the red pill, as in THE MORNING AFTER! ZOMGROFL!!1! …uuuhhhh. I’m sorry.
2. The clothes.
Morpheus showed us that you could beat the hell out of whoever you came up against, and look good doing it. Well, at least you could look good. He got his ass pretty well handed to him.
3. Joe Pantoliano.
We all enjoyed watching this guy, who for some reason, looks a lot like Jackie Earle Haley. In the movie’s final cut, he meets his end after Marcus Chong shoots a lightning bolt into his chest. There was a scene that got scrapped, however, where Cypher kills Tony Soprano’s horse and Chrissy cuts his head off. Good stuff.
4. “I know kung-fu.”
The Matrix is like the ultimate bit-torrent engine. So what would your Matrix powers be? I’ve got mine narrowed down to Drunken Boxing, Robot Boxing, doing the robot, doing the dew and keeping it real. And my Matrix name is Sandra Day O’Connor.
5. The Almighty Power of HACK.
How do you hack a computer? What about a system as complex as the Matrix? We’re not completely sure, but we do know a few things. First, you need like ten computer screens. This way you can look at, like, all the symbols and stuff. Then you need like twenty keyboards so you can hack everything at once. And make sure your OS shows everything in weird symbols that don’t do anything when you type in commands. And make sure you have a good place to take cover when the Internet explodes.
That’s all for this week. Will I get my act together and keep these things more regular? Tune in next week to find out!