Hark! The return of this thing! Let’s get down and dirty with…
1. Who am I?
I know. It sucks. You can tie all sorts of crazy knots and speak twenty different languages, then you have these really weird dreams where you get shot and fall off a yacht into the ocean. You wonder, what does it all mean? The better question; who cares? You look like that Matt Damon guy and you’re on a fishing boat headed for Italy. You’ve already won.
2. Clive Owen.
“Look at this. Look at what they make you give. Uuuggh.” Dead.
3. Cut their hair. Have sex.
The cops are looking for you, so you and the girl you’ve brought into this nightmare hole up in some dirty motel. They know your names, they know what you look like, so what do you do? You, of course, do nothing, besides stop off at a Walgreen’s – or Aldi, if you’re in Europe – and buy a cheap hair-coloring kit. You take a dirty pair of scissors and, in one stroke, chop off all your girl’s hair. It looks AWESOME. Then you spend an hour checking out your bullet wounds in the mirror while she colors her hair in the bathtub. When she comes out, you stumble around awkwardly until you’re both on the bed doing it. Then you wait a couple of years and do it all again with Julia Stiles.
4. Nykwana Wombosi/Mr. Eko.
“My enemies in Afreeka ah too strong, so my drug deela frens’ and I will dress up as fake prees’ and fly to Australia, before crashing on a mizzterious eye-land an’ bein’ killed by my crazy gos’ brudda.”
5. Dude, look!
Not only is he shooting a gun, he’s shooting a gun while flying down a six-story stairwell on the back of a dead guy. So not only does he get to do all this acrobatic stuff with guns and dead people, but he does it all while looking like Matt Damon. Then he waits a couple of years and does it all again with Julie Stiles.
Will there be another column next week? No promises! Send suggestions to firstname.lastname@example.org.