Lost’s fifth season opens up inside a Dharma Initiative television studio, where Dr. Chang is filming the orientation video for the Arrow Station. Suddenly, a worker bursts through the doors with a message. Dr. Chang is a dick, and, man, he just totally loses it.
Flash forward to the future. Jack has agreed to help Ben reunite the Oceanic 6 and return to the island. He tries to ask Ben when the last time he saw Locke Jeremy Bentham was. Of course, since he’s a drunk, all we hear is…
Jack: So, um… when was lie, the las’ time you saw Locke? ‘Cause he came oer one nigh’ an was all like, “No, not Locke anymore, but Jermy Bentham, but lie iss’okay iss’okayhahaha–*uchk!* Uhhsorryahburped.
Jack finds a piece of pizza stuck in his beard and passes out with it still in his mouth. Ben takes some time to listen to soft music and reflect on all the weird shit going on. Back on the island, the castaways have realized that something’s gone wrong. Mad wrong. On the beach, Sawyer is busy pacing back and forth without his shirt on while Juliet guzzles down a bottle of Dharma rum. Bernard runs out of the jungle looking for Rose, who’s really turned into a jive-talkin’ racial stereotype. Sawyer ain’t got no time for jive-talkin’. He’s gotta get back to the camp.
Rose: You can’t go back to the camp.
Sawyer: Why not, Opie?
Rose: Because there is no camp! Wait… how is that a joke?
Of course, they go back anyway. Pushing his way past castaways who have been there for four seasons even though we’ve never seen them is Daniel Faraday, who just might have some answers.
Faraday: You’re camp didn’t disappear… it hasn’t been BUILT yet! What? Commercial!
Back in the States, Kate gets a visit from an unwelcome guest. He introduces himself as Walter Peck, from the Environmental Protection Agency, third district.
Peck: May I take a blood sample, Ms. Austen?
Peck: And why not, Ms. Austen?
Kate: Because you did not use the magic word.
Peck: What is the magic word, Ms. Austen?
Peck: May I, please, take a blood sample, Ms. Austen?
Kate: Why do you want a blood sample?
Peck: Because I want to know more about your son! Frankly, I’ve heard a lot of wild stories in the media and we want to asses any possibility that you’re not telling us the entire truth. Now you either give me a blood sample, or I come back with a court order.
Kate tells Peck that if he gets a court order, she’ll sue his funny ass for wrongful prosecution. In the meantime, she packs a bag so she and Aaron can make their getaway. Before they leave, she lets him tell all his thing bye-bye. She sits around waiting for the next half-hour as Aaron says goodbye to all of his toys. As they’re leaving, they narrowly miss Peck in the driveway, who’s had time to go out, get a court order, and come back.
In the jungle, Sawyer is pacing back and forth without his shirt on busy looking for clues. Faraday won’t explain what’s going on, because that might make it easier for those watching at home. Instead, he walks around, taking time to examine random things like plants and rocks, then making cryptic comments.
Faraday: No hatch, huh? Might be because it hasn’t been built… YET!
Elsewhere on the island, Locke sure is having a time of it. First there’s a bright light, and everyone’s disappeared. Then he sees Mr. Eko’s brother’s plane crash. Then Ethan the Other pops out of the jungle. Then he gets shot. Hahaha. It sure is hard to feel bad for him… because he’s an ass.
Sun is standing in line at the airport when she’s mistaken for a terrorist and held in a back office. Before she can get the ACLU on the phone, Charles Widmore bursts in and asks exactly what interests the two of them may have in common. Sun just spends twenty minutes talking about how mad she is now that Jin’s dead. She’s really being a little twerp about the whole thing.
Hurley and Sayid are headed to Sayid’s safe house. Because Hurley has a thyroid thing, they have to stop for food.
Hurley: You want a fry?
Sayid: No thank you.
Hurley: You know, maybe if you ate more comfort food, you wouldn’t have to go around, shooting people.
Sayid: You know, maybe if you laid off the comfort food, you wouldn’t need to wear your mom’s pregnancy pants.
Hurley: Dude, harsh. *uchk!* Oh, sorry. I burped.
On the island, the castaways have jumped to a point in time where the hatch still exists. Sawyer says they should go around the back and get Desmond, who should still be inside. That’s when Faraday gets an idea, they should go around the back and get Desmond, who should still be inside.
Juliette: Great idea, Daniel.
Charlotte: First rate, Dan.
Sawyer: I just sa–
Juliette: You still looking for your shirt?
They go around to the hatch’s back door. Faraday gets instructions from his handbook.
Faraday: Draw a door. Knock three times.
Desmond stumbles out with a rifle and his CDC gear.
Desmond: Look out, brutha!
Faraday: Um… what?
Desmond: The hot lava, brutha! You’re nah protected! Ya’need lava shoes!
Faraday tells Desmond that he’s special, but in that, you have to wear a helmet sort of way. Sometime in the future, or the past, because all of this has stopped making sense, Desmond wakes up from a dream. Penny stirs beside him.
Penny: What is it, Des?
Desmond: … Lava shoes, Pen. I’ve gotta go back.
Desmond heads up top and looks out over the ocean. A second later he jumps in the water. Next stop, Scotland! Stay tuned for more LOSTWATCH!! coming soon!