LOSTWATCH!! – “Jacob sent me.”

The episode opens with Desmond, the drunken Scot, running like a drunk through some sort of ethnic flea market. Did we mention he was drunk?

Desmond: Hwahaheeey! Ah need ah doctah! Mah wife is havin’ a bay-beh! Is thea n’ary a doctah in tha’ hooooose! Wha? Five quid for peanuts? Gedouddahere!

Luckily, a doctor follows Desmond to his boat, where he finds Penny, drunk! in the midst of childbirth!

Desmond: Can ‘ye help hah, brotha?

Doctor: Ah yesh. I use, anchen’ Chinee seekaret.

Penny gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. Unfortunately, the doctor and his advanced island medicine think he’s a witch and throws him off a cliff.

Now it’s later, and Desmond has a new kid. They’re on their way to an island. A very special island, that Desmond thought he’d never see again. It’s called the Land of the Lost, and it’s filled with the biggest dinosaurs you ever imagined. As Desmond tells all this to his son, Penny comes out.

Desmond: And yah dahd’s jus’ gonna look a’roun’ for a few hours, an’ then we’ah off.

Penny: Hey kid, yer dad tell ‘ya who he’s gonna be lookin’ for? Go on, Des, tell yer son about the whore!

Desmond: Don’ worry. Mum’s jus’ had a wee bit too much to drink. Yeah? Funny mommy.

On the island, Charlotte’s not doing so hot. She has a headache, double-vision, and a burning feeling that she just can’t explain. Unfortunately, so does Faraday.

Faraday: Don’t worry. Nothing’s going to happen to you. I won’t let it. And we’re gonna get out of this, and go away together. And we’ll be happy. And, man, you’re just so pretty.

Faraday’s moment is interrupted by this big f’ing explosion, and savages armed with bows and arrows spring out of the jungle. Their leader, who’s jaw is wired shut for some reason, demands to know hhmhmhmpphmhmh.

Ellie: Whmmmaamma iss ymuh leeedddma?

Faraday: Um… what?

Ellie: Mpph!

Faraday: Huh?

Ellie: Mmmddpp!

Faraday: What?

Ellie: Bbbppmmmppppph!

Faraday: Say again?

Sawyer, Juliette, and Locke were also ambushed, but Locke would have none of it, and went all First Blood on their ass. Juliette questions them, and is surprised to find they both speak a strange, archaic language.

Brit #1: Quien son estas gentes?

Brit #2: Callete!

Before Brit #1 can give away too much information, Brit #2 snaps his neck and runs into the jungle. Locke just watches, because it’s all part of the plan. Sawyer gets so mad his giant muscles tear right through his shirt.

Sawyer: Why didn’t you shoot him?

Locke: I think you mean, WHEN didn’t I shoot him!

The Brits lead Faraday, Charlotte, and Miles to their camp, which look strangely like anOTHER (*wink*) camp we’ve seen before. They’re greeted by a familiar face. It’s Richard Alpert, who’s wondering if they’ve come back for their bomb.

Faraday: Bomb?

Richard: Yeah. The Fast and the Furious 2? HI-YO!

Faraday: That’s horrible.

Richard: I know.

Desmond’s search for Faraday’s mother has led him to Oxford. Where, strangely, there’s no record of her or Faraday ever working for the university. Desmond goes snooping around, and breaks in to Faraday’s old laboratory. All he finds is a bunch of boxed up equipped, and garbage bags full of freeze-dried hamsters. A janitor catches him snooping around. When Desmond asks what he could do to keep this whole thing quiet, the janitor gets a wicked look on his face.

Janitor: You and me, in my tool shed. Fifteen minutes, no rules.

So it turns out that whoever was on the island before Richard and his band of merry englishmen left a hydrogen bomb. The housing’s cracked, and Richard has no idea what to do with it. Well, Faraday’s a scientist, and he’ll get rid of it! Richard asks him how he can trust him. Faraday looks longingly at Charlotte.

Faraday: Well, there’s this girl. And she’s very special. And I would never do anything to hurt her. And the only hydrogen bomb going off, is the one in my heart.

Charlotte: Oh holy hell.

Outside, Brit#2 has come back to camp. Richard is none too pleased. What if his captors followed him back?

Brit #2: WTF, mate? You think that old buggah knows this island bettah’ than me?

Locke: Hey, guys.

Brit #2: Dammit!

Richard: Smooth move… Widmore!

Locke: *gasp*

Locke and Richard go off to talk. Locke tells him that he’s their leader, and he needs to know how to get off the island. Richard’s confused. If Locke is their leader, why would he want to leave the island.

Locke: Uhhh… um. Oh no! Another flash is coming! Scary! Tell me before it’s too late!

Richard: Bull. S**t.

Ellie leads Faraday to the bomb. He goes over it carefully and sees where the housing has cracked open. He runs over.

Faraday: Hurry, we need to bury this thing!

Ellie: Huh? The two of us?

Faraday: Yeah, we’ll bury it right behind you!

Ellie: Wha?

Sawyer: Ha!

Sawyer jumps up and smashes her in the face, and we can only hope she died. As they make their way back to the Other’s camp, there’s another flash, and the camp disappears.

Faraday: Charlotte!

As Charlotte spins around, blood gushes out of her nose and she passes out. Faraday rushes over and hugs her limp body.

Faraday: She loves me too.

After a long day of searching, Desmond comes back to his boat empty handed. Penny looks concerned.

Penny: And?

Desmond: Uh, Faraday’s mum is dead. Oh, I saw yah fahtha’.

Penny: What? Why didn’t you write anything aboot that?

Desmond: Meh.

Stay tuned for another LOSTWATCH!! coming soon!

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