LOSTWATCH!! – “This place is death!”

The episode begins with Sun sitting in her car, watching as the other castaways meet with Ben on the dock. She spends twenty minutes looking down at her gun, trying to pump herself up.

Sun: Alright alright alright alright. Alright! Let’s do this. Leeeerrrroyyyy uhJjjjennnnnnnkiiiiiinnsss!

Level 1 Paladin: Oh man, she just ran in.

Of course, Sun and her guild are wiped out by a group of proto-dragons. Oh, and Jin’s still alive. He’s back on the island, having washed up with Rousseau and her band of traveling Frenchmen in the last episode. They’re a little nervous once they find out that Jin had been to the island before, but told him that if he helped them find the radio tower, they’d help him find his camp.

Frenchie #1: Gerard Depardieu? Baguette! Aaahaha!

Frenchie #2: Smoke break!

They’re making their way through the jungle when they hear the smoke monster. Of course, the French don’t know it’s a smoke monster, but once they realize its hostile intentions, they immediately surrender (jokes!)! Not one to be appeased, Smokie rips one of their arms off.

In the end it doesn’t matter, because there’s a sudden flash, and Jin finds himself alone in the jungle. But he’s not alone! Once he gets back to the beach, he finds Rousseau, who’s obviously PMS’ing, because she’s waving a gun around and shooting people. Wokka wokka! Things turn south when she recognizes Jin.

Rousseau: You’re him! The disappearing Chinaman!

Jin: The Donger?

There’s another flash, and Jin finds Sawyer, who spends a few awkward moments trying to pantomime what’s going on. After five years three months on the island, Jin’s really getting tired of this shit. Locke explains that they need to go back to the Orchid, and that he’s going to try bringing Jack and everyone else back to the island. He looks at Sawyer.

Locke: You think he got all that?

Back on the dock, Sun is obviously PMS’ing because she’s waving a gun around. Ben says that if would just chill the f**k out, he can prove to her that Jin’s still alive. Sun is intrigued by this new development, and decides to see how things play out. When everyone else finds out that Jack was only being friends with them so they’d come back to the island, they all storm off in a tizzy.

On the island, the flashes are coming quicker and quicker. Charlotte isn’t dealing with this very well. Whatever’s messed up in her brain isn’t getting any better, and she’s taking breaks from gushing blood out of her nose only to slip into these wierd hallucination/flashbacks.

Charlotte: This place is death! *blaaah*

Sawyer: What do you suppose that means?

Locke and the others have to get to the Orchid, so they leave Faraday to take care of Charlotte while they go ahead. After they leave, Charlotte reveals a stunning secret!

Charlotte: Dan, I grew up here, on the island. But I left when I was a little girl. I spent years trying to find it again. One day, a man with a creepy beard came and told me that I could never return, or else I’d die!

Faraday: Wha-?

Charlotte: That man was you, Daniel! Don’t grow your beard! It creeps the shit out of people!

And then she died. Faraday gets all weepy and it’s very touching. Anyway, Locke and the others find the Orchid. While they’re all patting each other on the back and congratulating themselves on finding it, it disappears. Heartbreaking.

Locke: Well, we’ll just have to look for the well. *snicker* See what I did there?

Miles: Shut up

To get underground, Locke will have to climb down the well. Before he goes, Jin makes him promise he won’t bring his wife back.

Locke: Yeah. Sure thing, Jin. I won’t bring Sun back.

Jin: Promise, John.

Locke: Huh? I’m too far down!

As Locke moves down the well, there’s yet another flash, and this time, the well disappears. Locke falls down a good four hundred feet, and busts his leg open. Luckily Christian Shepherd lives down there, and can probably help him out.

Christian: I’m here to help you the rest of the way.

Locke: Good! Can you please help me up?

Christian: I’m sorry, all questions must be submitted in writing. Come on over here and give this wheel a yank.

Locke: I don’t know if you saw, the bone is sticking out.

Christian: You really are a whiner, huh?

Locke stumbles around, but finally grabs hold of the wheel, and spins it around. There’s another flash

Christian: Say ‘hello’ to my son!

Locke: For all your help with my leg? Blow me.

After hemming and hawing the entire episode, Ben’s taken Jack and Sun to the person who can help them get back to the island. As they’re going inside, they meet Desmond.

Desmond: Wha’ ah the chances, mates? Let’s goo grab a pint tah celebrate. You wid’ me?

Sun: Why do we hang out with him again?

They go inside and find Eloise Hawking, who I guess is also Faraday’s mother. She looks at Ben and his friends.

Eloise: I thought I said to bring them all back.

Ben: This was all I could get on short notice.

Eloise: Alright. Let’s break these fools.

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One response to “LOSTWATCH!! – “This place is death!”

  1. is this from season 1? seems like this aired SO long ago.

    ❤ you jimmy bing.

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