LOSTWATCH!! – “You’re all going back to the island?”

It’s taken three years, but Jack and the others have finally made it back to the island. But there’s no time to celebrate. As Jack comes to, he hears a distant cry, and runs to investigate. He finds Hurley struggling to survive in two feet of water.

Jack: Hurley! Your body can be used as a flotation device!

Klaus: Get him out of ze f**king vater!

After Jack jumps in and hauls Hurley to shore, he finds Kate lying unconscious. A gentle nudge, and she wakes up.

Kate: Are we back?

Jack: No, we crashed on a completely different island! Are you serious? C’mon.

46 Hours Earlier

Eloise takes the castaways to her underground lair, which is decorated with lots of mysterious photos and graphs that no one would really take the time to draw on a chalk board. The Dharma folks called this place the Outpost, but obviously didn’t care that much about it, because they didn’t take the time to design one of their cool logos for it. I’m thinking a lighthouse, or maybe a castle.

Anyway, the Outpost’s entire purpose is to predict exactly which points in time the island is jumping to. Eloise has the coordinates of the next jump, and the castaways have 36 hours to get on the plane that will take them there. This makes Desmond a sad panda, and he takes a second to believe When Desmond hears that Jack and co. are planning on going back to the island, his accent, that he’s worked so hard to hide comes right back.

Desmond: So wha’ shu’ah do, brutha? Shu’ah jus’ shushu shu shu shu… !

Eloise says that the island isn’t done with Desmond either, so expect to see lots more of him later. Eloise also says that the castaways have to recreate the circumstances of the original crash as best they can in order to get back to the island. And that’s not all. She says that to recreate the castaway’s original flight, they’ll have to use Locke’s body as a stand-in for Jack’s dad.

Eloise: Isn’t that f**ked up?

He’ll also need his shoes, or something.

Jack: This is ridiculous!

Eloise: Then go watch Criminal Minds! Piss your Wednesday nights away!

Jack finds Ben in the chapel. Who is this woman? Why is she helping them? All of this would be a little easier for Jack to digest if he had a little proof that what she was saying was true. Ben motions toward a painting on the wall.

Ben: Thomas.

Jack: The Apostle?

Ben: No. Dave Thomas. Wendy’s. Let’s get a  Frosty, and one of those disgusting Caesar salads they sell.

That night, Jack goes home to find Kate in his bed, which is something we’ve all wished would happen to us. She tells him she’s decided to go back to the island with them. What changed her mind?

Kate: Teach a man to fish, you know?

Jack: That doesn’t make any sense. Where’s Aaron?

Kate: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Jack: I’m not sure you know what words mean.

Jack gets a phone call from Ben, who has had the ever-loving s**t knocked out of him. It all kind of makes you wonder how long it’ll be until he snaps and shoots everyone up. Anyway, Ben needs Jack to pick up Locke’s body. It’s being kept in the back of a Saltgrass Steak House.

Jack: You stuck a rotting corpse in the cook room of a steakhouse?! What the hell were you thinking?

Ben: I can’t hear you, Jack. There’s too much blood in my ears.

Jack gets to the steak house and meets Jill. She’s stashed Locke’s body for Ben.

Jack: I’m here to see the body, and a menu! Oh, I’m bad!

After a deeply satisfying, if a little overpriced meal, Jack takes the body to the airport to load it on the plane. After he’s finished filling out some paperwork, he sees that one guy from Three Kings.

Caesar: I’m sorry joo los’ jour friend my main man. Mi nombre Ceasar Gutierrez, and I’m 100% Spanish praise Allah.

Jack: You look like someone I know.

Miraculously, and ironically with no explanation at all, Sayid and Hurley also show up at the airport, and with tickets for the exact flight they need to take to get back to the island! As they’re all settling in for the flight, Ben comes aboard, and Hurley totally flips.

Huley: Who told him he could come!

The flight attendant tells Jack that if he can’t keep his pet bear under control, they’re going to have to move him to the cargo hold.

Jack sits down next to Kate, who’d be able to get rid of those bags under her eyes if she tried a little makeup.

Jack: This is great, huh? All together again. It’s a good feeling. Like way back, a week ago, when I was into all that coedine. I mean, that’s horrible. I would never get into that stuff again. No siree.

Kate: What’s the point, Jack? We’re all on the same plane, but we’re not together.

Jack: Uh… okay. Bummer.

When the pilot of the plane comes over the intercom, Jack recognizes him as Lapidus. He goes up to say hi. The stewardess asks him to stand back. They’re on a high terror alert because of the Three Kings. A beshaven Frank comes out to meet Jack.

Frank: Hey, doc. Is that Sayid? And Kate? And Hurley? And Sun? But if they’re here… then where are we… uh-oh!

Jack: Why isn’t anybody as excited as I am?

It doesn’t matter because the plane flies through the Langoliers hole in the sky anyway, and they crash back on the island. Or rather, on the runway that Kate and Sawyer were helping to build in season 3. Eh? Eh? Screw you, haters. So, back on the island, Jack alone, he saves Hurley, Kate wakes up, and a van! Who is it? It’s Jin, or rather it’s 1977 Jin, with a hole mess of Soul Glo in his hair.

Jin: Hey groovy cats!


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