LOSTWATCH!! – “I’ll miss you, John. I really will.”

Jeremy Bentham is the author of the bestselling series, Parliamentary Reform Catecthism. After finishing his latest book, he’s taken a much-needed vacation in the middle of the desert. But one night, after being caught in a snowstorm and wrecking his car, things go horribly wrong. Jeremy wakes up to find he’s been taken in by Annie, his self-proclaimed, “number-one fan.” While at first she seems good-natured and helpful, things quickly change. When Jeremy tells Annie about his plan to bring his friends, even Sun, back to the island, Annie becomes angry!

Annie: I can’t let you go, Jeremy. You’ll stay here, and write a new episode of Lost. One where you don’t have to wear Jack’s dad’s shoes. Because, what the hell kind of sense does that make?

And yeah, she breaks his legs..

Bentham is eventually rescued by the enigmatic Desmond Mobay, who smashes Annie in the head with a pig trophy. He and Bentham take off on a whirlwind trip across five continents and twenty three countries town to try and convince the Oceanic 6 to come back to the island with them. First up is Sayid, who for some, *ahem* unexplained reason, has only been able to get work shingling roofs.

Sayid: John! Can you tell this guy I speak English?

Foreman: You take el shingles, okay?

Sayid: Do you understand me? I have a double doctorate in astrophysics and archaeology!

Foreman: No dinero today!

Well, Locke tried, I guess, but it just wasn’t meant to be. Next up is, Walt? Yep. He’s back. Walt is now 47 and living on New York’s Lower East Side. When Walt sees him, he can tell that Locke’s been under a lot of stress.

Walt: You know what you could use?

Locke: The gentle touch of a man?

Walt: Tyson’s Chicken Nuggets.

Locke: But the island — wait. What?

Walt: They’re Anytizers! You can have them anytime! Get it?

Locke: Are you kidding me? You know, if that explosion hadn’t killed your dad, this would have.

Walt: Dad’s dead?

Locke: Get away from me.

Locke leaves Walt to think about the choices he’s made. Next, he visits Hurley at the mental institution. After spending so much time wearing pajamas and a robe, and having other people clean up his mess for him, he’s really kind of let himself go.

Hurley: I just gave myself a Holy Frijole. Look it up.

Locke: Um, I forgot. The island doesn’t need you to come back.

Things really haven’t gone as well as Locke would have hoped. But he still has a few people to visit, and hopefully Kate will be more receptive. Surprise! She’s not.

Kate: Have you ever loved somebody, John?

Locke: Huh?

Kate: I think about you sometimes. About how desperate you were to stay on that island. Then I realized, it’s because you’ve never–

Locke: Blah blah blah you’re a bitch. Thanks anyway.

Locke is so upset that when he leaves Kate’s place he has a heart attack and passes out. When he comes to, he’s in the hospital, and you’ll never guess who he meets! It’s Jack, who’s begun a long downward spiral, apparantly.

Locke: Have you been drinking? It’s like ten in the morning.

Jack: Dude, you’re lucky I even showed, okay?

Jack has to totally, like, split, before his sponsor freaks out. So, Locke’s failed. None of the others have agreed to go back with him. A defeated man, who obviously takes things way too far, Locke goes back to his ratty apartment to hang himself. Of course, things never go as planned.

Locke: Well this isn’t working. I’m going back to the island.

One week later, on the island.

Caesar: So, how did you enjoy your trip, my main man?

Locke: It was… to DIE for?


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