Andy Blasts Off

(Today’s movie review is brought to us by guest columnist Andy Rooney.)

I don’t go to the movies often. I don’t much care for them. You don’t get enough for your money, if you ask me. Four dollars to watch Robert Deniro stare at underage girls? Last time I checked, I didn’t need a theater for that.

You can imagine how surprised I was to find myself sitting inside my local cineplex watching Moon, which I had never heard of before. I would have called my daughter and asked her how I had gotten there, but I don’t own a cell phone. I don’t much care for them. Giving all this attention to cell phones doesn’t seem very fair to regular phones, if you ask me.

The movie wasn’t that bad. It stars Sam Rockwell, who I had never heard of before, playing astronaut Sam Bell. He’s finishing out a three-year rotation on some sort of power plant on the moon, which is a ridiculous concept. Last time I checked, the only rocks you could get a power boost out of weren’t legal, outside of Colombia, anyway. But that’s another story.

Kevin Spacey, who I loved in Rocket Gibraltar and Working Girl, plays Sam’s computer sidekick, GERTY. GERTY isn’t like most computers you may have seen, the ones that steal your bank account number and send your social security checks to those Nigerian princes. GERTY’s there to help Sam out when he needs it, and send his medical profile to the hospital and alert his doctor if he ever falls down in the shower.

After the movie I thought that, when you get right down to it, our moon isn’t very interesting. So drab looking, floating out there all alone. When you look at Jupiter or Saturn and their moons, ours just doesn’t measure up. And whose idea was it to call the moon, “Moon?” Seems a little unoriginal, like if McDonald’s starting calling Big Macs hamburgers. If it were up to me, I’d have named the moon Betty. I’ve always liked that name.

Another question: what are we supposed to do with the moon? We’ve walked around on it and taken a lot of pictures of it, but what now? It seems like an awful waste, letting it just sit up there in space. Whoever’s in charge of the moon should think about sending a boatload of Chinamen up there. They did such a good job on the railroads. I’d really like to see railroads on the moon, I just don’t know where I’d go. It wouldn’t be to the movies, I can tell you that.


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