LOSTWATCH!! – “Who’s gonna get my back?”

Well, we sure know who’s going to be getting Juliette’s back, amirite? Haaaaa. It’s the swingin’ 70’s. Dharma’s heyday. The Dharmafolks are busy conducting experiments on who’s mellow is more yellow and who’s got the loosest caboose. That is, until Horace comes in, harshin’ everyone’s buzz.

Phil: Is that Horace? Is he carrying dynamite?! Ruh-roh. Better call LaFleur.

Dharma Guy: (into phone) Hello? Get me Jean Philippe LaFleur… I don’t care! Interrupt him!

They’ve all had a bit to drink and things are getting out of hand. They don’t take kindly to Miles, who’s trying to get everyone to settle down.

Finally, they head out to meet LeFleur, the shadowy head of Dharma security. A moment later the door opens. We hear a scruffy voice and see a lone form cloaked in shadow. We widen to reveal…!

When LaFleur hears what’s wrong, he gets a wistful look in his eye. A smile plays across his lips and a slight breeze ruffles his hair.

LaFleur: This reminds me of something. A long time ago. The perfect end to the perfect day. A day just like this one this one this one this one…

Three Years Earlier

LaFleur: We were dropped into the middle of the jungle, dressed as civilians. We were doin’ one thang, and one thang only. Killin’ Hostiles.

LaFleur: We found two of them beatin’ up on Horace’s wife. After we took ’em out, she wanted to bury ’em. I didn’t like it. If we left ’em out, the Hostiles couldn’t help but imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives.

Dharma Guy: That’s kind of f**ked up.

LaFleur: She seemed a little shady to me. And I was right not to trust her. Once we got to that sonic fence, she gave us what for. Almost zapped our brains out.

LaFleur: When we woke up we’s was with Horace. Had his knickers all up in a knot over that Richard guy. The fancy boy with the makeup. I told him not to worry. I’d set things straight.

Dharma Guy: Whad’ya do, LaFleur?

LaFleur: I told him we’s the ones killed his Hostile buddies, and if he weren’t careful, we’d kill him and the rest of his eyeliner-wearin’ buddies, too.

——————–

Richard: My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

LaFleur: What now?

Richard: Nuss’ing. Mistare LeFlooure, ve vequiah JUSTICE! You meh tell Horse he hat nuss’ing to fere from ‘ze Hostiles, zo longk az ve can bringk bek ze man zey killed in ze jungle zis afternoon.

LaFleur: Hoss, you are tryin’ mah patience.

——————–

LaFleur: So anyway, I told Horace what the deal was, and he told Amy that she was gonna have to give over her dead boyfriend.

Amy: Will they respect his body?

Horace: Oh no. They’ll do horrible, horrible things to it. And he’s just gonna lie there and take it.

LaFleur: Because we smoothed things out with the Hostiles, Horace said we could stay on the island a spell. We’d have to leave sometime, but there weren’t no rush, ya’ know? At first, Juliette was a little skeptical, but I straightened her out, if ya’ know what I mean…hehehe…

Miles: LaFleur, we’ve got visitors! You’re gonna want to see this!

LaFleur and Miles jump in The Mystery Machine and head down to the beach, where they’re met with an unexpected surprise.

Hurley: Dudes! Blast from the past, or is that the future? When do we eat?

LaFleur: You know, Miles, I think this may just be mah masterpiece.

Miles: The hell are you talking about, dude?

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