LOSTWATCH!! – “Do you have any idea how badly I want to kill you?”

A lot has happened since our last LOSTWATCH!! A lot that I’ll eventually write about and post sometime around ahhcoughcoughmumblemumble. But for now, enjoy this “special” “edition” of LOSTWATCH!! in preparation for tonight’s sixth season premiere! That’s right. The last season of Lost EVAR!!1!

We’re going back — way back to where it all began — to meet Jacob, who lives on the island in a sexually ambiguous relationship with his roommate.

Other Guy: How’d that boat find the island?

Jacob: No idea. *snicker*

Other Guy: Do you have any idea how badly I want to kiss you? I mean kill. I badly want to kill you. Uhhhuhuh… *cough* Well. I’m gonna go.

Jacob’s been busy, and we see him visiting our heroes, or gathering his flock, as it were. When he sees a young Kate stealing lunchboxes at the cornerstore, he offers to pay for it.

Jacob: I’ll atone for your sins, little girl. I mean, pay for your lunch box.

We don’t know what he’s doing, but we know he looks good doing it.

Sawyer, Juliette and Kate are finally headed back to the real world. Still, Kate can’t shake the feeling that there’s something she forgot to do.

Kate: Oh. Uh, guys. So, Jack has this bomb, and well, you’re gonna laugh when you hear this, but…

Sawyer’s having none of it, but before he knows it Juliette is beating the hell out of the Dharma captain and turning the sub around.

Sawyer: Wha happen?

Juliette: I changed my mind. Woman’s prerogative. *wink*

He can’t stay mad at her, and they head back. Once they’re on the beach, they meet up with some old friends. Rose and Bernard have been living on the beach for years now, blissfully unaware of the Losties and all the s**t they’ve been getting themselves into.

Kate: Get ready to have your worlds rocked, because Jack’s got a bomb!

Bernard: We hardly care about that, Kate. We’re retired!

Kate: Get back to me when your skin’s melting off your body. Face!

Elsewhere, Jack, Sayid, Richard and Eloise are taking the hydrogen bomb apart so they can move it to the Swan site. While they’re working, Richard asks Jack about Locke.

Richard: So, Locke. Is he, you know, special?

Jack: You mean like first kiss special or… retarded special?

Richard: Um, a sunrise. Like, you think he could be the One?

Jack: No he’s more retarded special.

Richard: Hm. Well, we’re in Dharmaville now. Most of the things on this island involve guns, so watch out for all the people shooting guns at you.

Luckily Hurley and Miles are waiting with a Dharma van, and once Jack and Sayid are inside, Hurley guns it for the Swan site. But they don’t get very far. Kate, Juliette and Sawyer are waiting for them.

Sawyer: Hey, doc. Mind if we have a chat?

Jack: Uh, sure.

Sawyer: Well, how ’bout we talk about a punch to face! And a pile drive to the face!

Juliette runs up and pushes Sawyer off him. Surprise! She’s having second thoughts.

Sawyer: You’ve got to be f**king kidding me.

Juliette: I changed my mind. Woman’s prerogative. *wink*

Sawyer: You’re really starting to piss me off.

Jack straps the bomb to his back and crawls off toward the Swan, and Kate helps him scope the place out. Before Jack goes down, Kate brushes the bloody skin flaps out of his eyes, and says that, maybe, if they make it through all of this, they’ll finally settle down, buy that house they’ve always talked about and have some niños. Such a nice moment, but it’s cut short because things are starting to get hot down by the drill. Dr. Change and Bobcat Goldwaith are arguing with each other.

It looks like they’ve just hit the pocket of electromagnetism. We’re all so excited that we don’t even realize that this concept makes absolutely no sense. Jack runs up like Steamin’ Willie Beamen and tosses the bomb down the shaft.

Liam Neeson: Release the Kraken!

Jack: Uh-oh! Shit gettin’ real!

Magnets grab Juliette and drag her down into the pit. Sawyer tries to grab her but it’s too late. She’s gone, and there’s no. possible. way. she could ever survive the fall. Or is there?

In the future, Locke and his merry band of Christians are on their way to meet Jacob. Locke takes the time to ask Ben some questions.

Locke: So, what’s Jacob like?

Ben: Ah, man, he’s like… he’s like a total ass. I don’t even like him anymore.

Locke: Why did you lie about seeing him?

Ben: Because that’s what I do, John. I lie. So if you’re going to keep listening to “liars,” and “masturbators,” then I feel sorry for you.

Locke: Well, no, it’s just that– Wait. What was the second thing you said?

They finally get to the four-toed statue, and Locke takes Ben inside. They got some business to take care of. Unfinished business, or maybe risky business. I’m not sure. Outside, the folks from the Ajira flight show up, and they’ve brought a surprise. It’s dead John Locke.

Richard: But if he’s there, and he’s there, then…uh-oh!

Inside the statue, Locke and Ben find Jacob. Ben immediately bursts into tears. He runs up and hugs Jacob.

Ben: I always believed in you! Why didn’t you believe in me? What about me?

Jacob: What about you?

It turns out Ben was always a little psychotic, and Jacob’s finally pushed him over the line. He pulls out a shank and stabs Jacob in the chest. This will not end well.

Juliette, who’s still alive because of, oooh, let’s say magnetism, picks up one of her severed limbs and begins beating it over the bomb, because that usually works. Suddenly, the bomb ex–

Here’s hoping your Lost experience is orgasmic as I know mine will be!

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