LOSTWATCH!! – “It worked.”

It worked! Or did it? The answer is no, it didn’t. But what if it did? Unfortunately, we’ll never know, although I have a feeling we just may find out.

Jack and the other Losties are back on Flight 815, but not just any Flight 815. Small details aren’t as we remember them. Jack’s hair is different, Sun and Jin are Vietnamese, Rose and Bernard can’t keep their hands off each other, and Boone looks like a young porn star Jack Nicholson.

Even though the plane isn’t crash-landing on some crazy island, the flight is still chock full of action…

…a lot of banal small talk…

…and so many sensual misunderstandings.

So anyway, they land. Kate escapes from the Federal Marshal, Sawyer is dashing, and Locke isn’t depressed about being in a wheelchair.

At the end of the episode, we get the feeling that Jack knows more than he’s letting on.

Well, that’s it. Alls well that ends well, right? I hope you enjoyed Lost, everyon–wait. There’s more. Well, okay. What’s this? Kate in a tree? On the island? The Swan site? Noo! It didn’t work! (Or did it?) Jack’s got some egg on his face, and tensions are running high.

And what? Juliette!

But suddenly, they hear a small voice coming from the wreckage of the destroyed hatch. It’s Juliette! And she’s alive! But how do they get to her?

Sawyer: I’ve got an idea. Let’s wrap these chains around the bumper of a 30 year old van and use it to haul these gigantic steel beams away.

It works somehow, and Sawyer is able to get to Juliette. After falling down a 300 ft. shaft and being crushed by tons of rubble, she’s barely hanging on, and she looks horrible. Sadly, it wasn’t meant to be.

So Juliette’s dead and everybody heads to the temple, except for Sawyer and Miles, who hang around to bury her back underneath all the rubble. Where she was. In the first place.

Luckily, the creators chose the very last season to introduce yet another mystery: the Other Others. They swarm out of the temple and take the Losties prisoner. And here’s their leader! This is what we’ve been waiting for. The wise old oriental man comes out of the shadows to tell us all that the island is nothing but an “ain-shee-en Shy-nee see-caret.”

Chinese Guy: Me no like-um.

No, wait. That’s an indian. How about this?

Chinese Guy: Shoo’ dem!

Hurley blurts out that they’ve been sent by Jacob. That changes their tune. So he hands over the guitar case, and the Chinese Guy finds a list inside with all of the Losties names on it. So what the hell, they’ll fix Sayid. Using their mystical temple magic, they submerge him in a pool of healing waters, which promptly kills him.

Chinese Guy: He dead now. You pay me.

Jack: That’s not what we wanted.

Chinese Guy: You pay!

Jack knows that, unless he pays, there’s no way he’ll ever get his dry-cleaning back, so he forks over a couple of bucks. Before the guy leaves, he asks Hurley to come with him. He takes him to a special room full of bonsai trees, because of course, taking care of bonsai trees is what Oriental people do to relax. Why didn’t he just take him to his opium den or Korean grocery store? Anyway, Hurley delivers the bad news: Jacob’s dead. Before he knows it, everybody is going batsh*t crazy, locking the doors and spreading ash on the ground.

LOCKE him out? I don’t know. Something’s coming. And it’s not good.

But we’re not finished yet! Jacob’s dead, and the Chief has spent the entire afternoon questioning Locke about the murder. With nothing to pin on him, he tries one last thing.

They have to let him go. As Locke leaves the police station, the Chief thinks about something he said…

Locke: I used to sing in a barbershop quartet in Dharmaville, Iowa.

Locke: And just like that, he was gone.

On the next episode of Lost, Desmond returns with his long lost brother…


2 responses to “LOSTWATCH!! – “It worked.”

  1. Seriously could not stop laughing at “Feminism!”

  2. You got a solid blurt laugh at the dry cleaning joke. Well done. And well done LOST for adding a bunch of stereotypical Asians to bust wide open the joke vault.

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