LOSTWATCH!! – “We believe he has been, claimed.”

When we last left our heroes, Sayid had miraculously risen from the grave. No one’s really sure how it happened, but they’re happy to take credit for it.

But not everyone is so excited. Ever since Juliet died, Sawyer’s turned into a total pill. He spends his time moping around with his hair all in his face, and he already told Kate that as soon as he sees his chance, he’s GONE.

And that’s exactly what happens.

So they send Kate, Jin and Mac from Always Sunny to go catch him. While they’re off in the jungle, Dogan and his hippie friend arrest Sayid for terrorism. Then they announce that they’ll be trying him in a civilian court instead of a military tribunal. Needless to say, the Republicans go nuts. In the end it’s discovered that Sayid was never read his Miranda rights and they have to let him go. So America, and freedom, and the Bible.

When Sayid comes back he tells Jack that he’s sick. Dogan and the hippie know what’s wrong with him and tell Jack to give him a special pill. Jack’s having none of it until they tell him what’s inside it.

Dogan: Listen, Jack. People would rather see Kate end up with the polar bear than with you. Give Sayid the pill and quit being such a little b**ch, huh? Man up, okay?

Jack: You want him to eat it?

Dogan: Oh, yeah. I guess he could eat it, too.

Jack: Huh?

Jack goes out to talk to Sayid. He asks Miles and Hurley for a little privacy.

Jack lays it all out. He didn’t save Sayid’s life, it was Dogan and his weird hot tub. For some reason they’re trying to protect them. Jack doesn’t understand why, but he feels like they should trust them. Dogan’s been on the island for years and may be the only protection from its mysteries Jack and the other survivors have. But, you know what? Naaahhh. Don’t take the pill.

Sayid: I feel good about our decision.

Jack goes back to tell Dogan what they’ve decided.

But Dogan knows Jack will be much more cooperative if he can get him on his side, so he tries a peace offering.

Jack: Why does he need to take the pill?

Dogan: Because if he doesn’t, the same thing that happened to your sister will also happen to him!

Jack: Well that makes sense because my sisBWWWAAAAAAAHHHHH?!?!?!

Things are slow-going in the jungle, mostly because of Mac and his hair-brained schemes. Finally, Kate’s had enough and she judo-chops him unconscious. She tells Jin that she’s not going to back to the Temple. She’s going to live with Sawyer, because she thinks they’ve got a pretty good thing going. She tracks Sawyer to Dharmaville and spies him digging up an old shoebox full of love mementos from his time with Juliet. Out on the dock, he tells her that he doesn’t really blame Jack for her death, he blames himself. He sits there, staring out at the ocean, replaying Juliet’s death in his head over and over and again.

(Back in the jungle, Mac wakes up and chases Jin around for a while before someone shoots him. I don’t know.)

In the new timeline, which we’re referring to as the New Timeline, Kate’s escaped from the Federal Marshal. She hijacked a cab and is on the run. Claire, who just can’t catch a break, has the misfortune of being inside when Kate steals it. After listening to her crying for half an hour, Kate pulls over and tells her to get out.

She’s about to drive off when she has a sudden attack of conscience. She can’t just leave a poor pregnant woman alone in a strange place. She tells Claire to get back in the car and offers to take her wherever she needs to go. Together they find the woman who was supposed to adopt her child.

The shock sends Claire into labor. And as if her luck couldn’t get any worse, she gets Dr. Rapist at the hospital.

The doc’s just got Claire squared away when the fuzz show up, looking for Kate.

Lady Cop: Excuse me, Ms. Littleton? Have you seen Ms. Joan Hart?

Claire: No.

Lady Cop: What about Clarissa Explainsitall?

Claire: Mmm, no.

Lady Cop: Sabrina Teenagewitch?

With no leads turning up after three questions, the cops give up on catching a convicted murderer and leave. Kate pokes her head out from the bathroom.

Kate tells Claire that she’ll text her sometime and leaves before things get awkward. So, back on the island. Who was that Jin saw in the jungle?


4 responses to “LOSTWATCH!! – “We believe he has been, claimed.”

  1. I kept picturing a “FEMINISM!” slide right after “Finally, Kate’s had enough and she judo-chops him unconscious.”

  2. Haha, oh Dr. Rapist–he’s the worst.

    I think every LOSTWATCH should include a “FEMINISM!” pic of Kate judo-chopping someone, and another one of her crying, “Me so sad.” Because we know every single episode will include both of those things–she’s so dynamic.

    Also, wouldn’t it be funny if Claire is chubby because she’s pregnant again?!

  3. This. Was. Epic. I thought the SAME thing when she said “Joan Hart.” I looked around the room to see if anyone else caught it (or cared) and I was alone… sadly. Until now. Thank you blogs and television for validating my totally normal obession with Melissa Joan Hart….

    “Lady Cop: Excuse me, Ms. Littleton? Have you seen Ms. Joan Hart?

    Claire: No.

    Lady Cop: What about Clarissa Explainsitall?

    Claire: Mmm, no.

    Lady Cop: Sabrina Teenagewitch?

    With no leads turning up after three questions, the cops give up on catching a convicted murderer and leave.”

  4. Agreed.

    There is a discussion of LOST happening at my blog right now. I invite you to be a part of it!


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