LOSTWATCH!! – “Don’t tell me what I can’t do.”

In the new timeline, Locke’s working overtime on making us all feel sorry for him. But because he’s spent so much of the past few seasons being a complete douchebag, we’re really torn even though he’s in a wheelchair.

After faceplanting in his front yard, Locke takes a relaxing bath. Sadly, things don’t go much better for him there.

When he gets to work that morning, he makes smalltalk with his boss — who looks like a walking, talking STD — before being canned.

His luck begins to change when he meets Hurley, who as it turns out owns Locke’s company, and is more than willing to lend a helping hand.

Hurley sends Locke to his temp agency for a job. Locke is thinking something along the lines of a figure skating instructor or a contestant on So You Think You Can Dance. Rose, who runs the office, brings the ban hammer down on all of that mess and tells Locke he needs to be more realistic.

So Locke gets a job eating humble pie, amirite?? Naah, but seriously he starts as a substitute teacher, which for anyone who’s ever done that before knows that those jobs aren’t handled through temp agencies. Just sayin’. Anyway, he meets Mr. Benjamin Linus during his lunch break. Who knew that everyone on the show would end up moving to LA?

Now that Locke’s smiling again and coming to terms with the fact that he’ll never ever get out of his wheelchair (except for when he’s face down in his lawn), he’s learning to accept himself, and those around him, and himself. When he goes home that night, he finally comes clean about what he was doing in Australia.

Locke and Helen kiss and make up and all is right with the world once again.

Just like a fairy tale. Anyway, there’s a whole ton of crap going on on the island. Ben and the Ajira folks take some time to bury real-Locke. Ben, who’s looking more like the guy who goes door to door to notify the neighbors that he’s moved in, delivers a touching eulogy.

Elsewhere, not-Locke, who from here on out will be referred to as Locke, is looking to recruit more people to his cause, and Richard’s just the man to help him.

It turns out that Richard isn’t the man to help him, so Locke goes off to find Sawyer. When he finally finds him all boozed-up in Dharmaville, well, things aren’t looking too good.

Locke puts his disgust away long enough to try and bring him over to his side. He asks, “What if I could tell you why you were brought to this island?” Sawyer’s so drunk he doesn’t quite know how to react.

But in the end Sawyer puts his pants on and they take off. Locke says he’s got something he wants to show him. He leads Sawyer to a mysterious cave. Inside, there are names and numbers scrawled all over the walls. Locke tells Sawyer that it was an ancient system Jacob had come up with find out who the last Cylon was on Battlestar Galactica.

And oh yeah, someone needs to take Jacob’s place, protect the island, yadda yadda yadda.

Will they make it home? The best laid plans of mice and men, right Sawyer? *snicker* Literary humor!

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2 responses to “LOSTWATCH!! – “Don’t tell me what I can’t do.”

  1. This is hilarious, thanks for posting!

  2. Locke, not-Locke…you know you love him.
    Great post, very funny!

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