“What did we do to deserve this?” or “Oh, the humanity!”

Summertime. No school. Vacation. Big, blockbuster movies. It’s what we look forward to. Every summer we God-fearing, patriotic Americans (and our stupid, high school age kids) flock to our local cineplex to watch big-budget action flicks, hilarious and heartwarming animated movies, and slightly homoerotic art house films. But this year, 2010, Summer has been a cruel and unforgiving bitch goddess. While she occasionally dangles a Toy Story 3 or Predators in our faces, we’re forced to pay for it by enduring an unending stream of crap. Here are just a few choice selections.

Avatar: The Last Airbender: Hey! What a cool trailer! And look at those special effects! What’s that? M. Night Shyamalan hasn’t made a decent movie since Signs, and some would argue The Sixth Sense, and Avatar is almost universally hated by critics? Oh. I guess you’re right. Well, for a second there, I forgot how f’ing stupid Japanime or Manga or whatever the hell it’s called is. That was nice.

Jonah Hex: The Jonah Hex movie had been cooking for close to ten years before being released this Summer. And what’s better than waiting on something for ten years? Being disappointed after waiting ten years. I’ll admit, casting Josh Brolin in the lead role got my hopes up. But after Megan Fox was cast as walking, talking case of syphilis, I knew there was no saving this one. Oh well. At least I still have my Wild Wild West DVD.

Despicable Me: Poor Steve Carell. He’s given us big laughs on The Office, but Tinseltown hasn’t been as kind to him. Fortunately he’s found a way around that. Instead of doing more movies like Little Miss Sunshine, which rely way too much on iffy concepts like comedy and depth, he can do a kids movie, where jokes like “I said a DART GUN, not a FART GUN!” are–pffFFFTTT! A fart gun!! Hahaha!! Oh–holy s**t. Okay. You’ve won me over.

The A-Team: I was listening to TV on the Internet a few days ago, and Todd VanDerWerff brought up a good point. The A-Team is about a group of soldiers who were framed by the government and sent to prison. Why wouldn’t a network like FX or Showtime develop that as a rebooted TV series and explore some of that mythology, instead of turning it into a two-hour excuse for Bradley Cooper to smirk at the camera and shoot planes out of the sky. In a tank. On a parachute.

Salt: If I didn’t know better, I’d say that Angelina Jolie’s skin is pulled way too tight around her skull to be taken seriously as a superspy. And if the news is completely honest with me, which I like to think it is, I know that Russian spies don’t spend their time jumping out of windows and shooting people. They live in New Jersey and barbecue. Also, didn’t she retire from acting so she could adopt children full-time? I think I read that in The New Yorker.

All things considered, this is one of the worst Summers for movies in recent memory. So we have to ask: Who will save us?

In a recent article, sci-fi site io9 asked the question: Will Inception be Christopher Nolan’s first flop? The answer? Shut up io9. Of course it won’t. With Leonardo DiCaprio and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Nolan will make us all feel like we’re watching The Matrix for the very first time. And today, when most movies are adapted from comic books or 80s TV shows, that’s a very special feeling, indeed. So, Christopher Nolan, we salute you and hereby name you our new god!


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