The Walking Dead, “Tell It to the Frogs”: I gotta process this.

I’ll be honest. The show had me a little scared this week. When the first half of the episode so heavily featured Rick Grimes and The Background Players, I was worried we were in for as big a bummer as we got last week. Fortunately, that was not the case, and we got a taste of how good ‘The Walking Dead’ can actually be.

Miracle of miracles, Rick’s alive! And while it’s great because, hey, it’s Rick, and he’s alive, it sucks because it’s seriously going to turn out the lights on Lori and Shane throwing down and having sex in the middle of the woods. And while you might expect Lori to still struggle with her feelings for Shane despite the fact that her husband’s just returned from the dead, she’s having an easier time of it because, before leaving for Atlanta, Shane told her and Carl that Rick was dead. Now, I can understand Shane wanting to sleep with his best friend’s attractive wife. As a man, I can say unequivocally and without doubt that all men do nothing but think about bedding their friends’ wives, but telling Lori that Rick was dead? That’s pretty low, and feeds in to my theory that Shane isn’t just a man being led around by his circumstances. He’s using the end of the world to live out some crazy messianic delusion of his. He takes his best friend’s wife and is already raising his son, and he’s set himself up as the de facto leader of the survivors. He may not be the big boss, but people certainly acquiesce to him.

So Lori tells Shane that she wants nothing to do with him. No more talking to her. No more talking to Carl. Nothing. That’s the price he’ll pay for lying about Rick. Harsh words for any man to hear, but Shane’s in a unique position to blow off a little steam, and does so by beating the ever-loving hell out of Ed, the redneck, wife-beating a**hole who, come on, really had it coming. And it was here, friends, that we saw exactly what this show is about. The world’s gone to hell, and our heroes can try and set up a small oasis amidst all that chaos, hunt deer, wash their clothes in the lake and talk about how much they miss their vibrators, but none of it matters. As Doc Brown might say, they’re not thinking fourth-dimensionally. The walker (why the do people in zombie movies act like they’ve never heard of zombies?) they found in the woods won’t be the first they’ll encounter. There will always be more, and just keeping one step ahead of them will be a constant struggle. The question is, how do you keep your head, your humanity, in the middle of all that? Shane will probably face no consequences for what he did to Ed, and when that’s the world you live in, what’s to keep you from beating up the next Ed, or the one after that? Getting in the middle of all that is a little disturbing, and I was glad to see the show go there so early in its run.

Speaking of Ed, I thought it was a great idea to add a character like him into the mix. With these sorts of things, you usually see everyone pitching in and helping each other, and Ed is just not that person. He’s lazy and he hits his wife, and at the end of the world, he’s happy to be lazy and hit his wife. There may be something a little Sun-and-Jin about their relationship, but it’s interesting to see how the rest of the group reacts to him, and how that’ll play out going forward. I would say that it’d also be interesting to see how much his wife and daughter develop as they come out from under his thumb, but after all of her wailing and gnashing of teeth after Shane tussled him up, I’m hesitant as to whether or not that’ll happen at all.

And speaking of disturbing, Shane’s tussle wasn’t the only thing we got this week. Rick, after a sudden attack of conscience, has taken Short Round and some others back into Atlanta to rescue Merle, who was left handcuffed on top of a building at the end of last week’s episode. Merle’s delirious, probably suffering from heat exhaustion, and zombie literally knocking down his door. And what does he do to get away from them? He saws his own hand off. Once Rick and the others got on the roof and the music started playing, you could see what was coming, but it really was a great reveal, and was truly disturbing. And while Merle’s hand was there, Merle himself was nowhere to be found. Spooky, right?

A rocky start, but “Frogs” really pulled it out in the end and showed us what the show can do. The season’s breezing by, which is unsurprising considering it’s only six episodes long. For those of you who were wondering, the show’s been renewed for a second season. Unsurprising, given the numbers it’s pulling in for AMC. So, six episodes to whet out whistles and then a long break. But the show will be back. And I have a feeling it’ll be sometime around Halloween. If I were a betting man, I might even place a bet on it.

A Brief Rumination on South Park

I have no desire to ever review ‘South Park.’ And I don’t mean that in some uppity Parents Television Council kind of way, but instead because I consider the show to be unreviewable by me for reasons I don’t fully understand. I watch the show every week and have almost every year since it started. My very first piece of published writing was an editorial on why people should watch the show the week after the season premiere. It’s cuh-razy because the little kids say the swears! Actually scratch that. I got a poem published as the prelude to a book when I was 8. Suck it, struggling writers; I think my parents congratulated me with a trip to Golden Corral.

Still, as I watched the conclusion of the excellent, “The Coon and Friends” trilogy, I started thinking about the show and what I liked about it. I might be one of the world’s most immature 29 year-olds, but I also know I won’t laugh at any old thing set in front of me. In other words, when I went to that Golden Corral buffet, I didn’t just take one of everything, I left the carrots on the hot plate. Once I started thinking, I realized that what I like about ‘South Park’ is that I can fool myself into thinking that it’s matured with me.

Have you ever gone back and watched early episodes? It’s kind of painful. The animation is a lot worse and the cussing really is half of the jokes. Everything worked because, before then, it had never been done. Back then, saying things like, “oh my god, they killed Kenny,” or, “respect my authori-TAH” was earth-shattering. Oddly enough, this is where my admiration for Trey Parker and Matt Stone comes into play. They saw the limitations of what they were doing and kept an eye on making movies and longer story arcs. South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut was really well put-together and filled with great, catchy songs. They had already done the wheels-off Orgazmo and fired off BASEketball while the show was in its infancy. Each movie was a strong leap from the one before it, but nobody would have put any money on them perfecting high-concept silliness.

With the dawn of the new millennium, Parker and Stone began thinking bigger for the show. We saw multi-part episodes, Mr. Hanky, Towelie and the wonderful comeuppance of Scott Tenorman. At the same time, they became more self aware with episodes like, “Simpsons Already Did It,” and, “Trapped in the Closet.” Then, Trey and Matt unleashed, Team America: World Police in 2004 and made me happy and ronery all at the same time. I consider this a milestone because since then, many of my favorite episodes seemed to have perfected that balance of ‘South Park’ silliness and a more complex story. “Cartoon Wars I and II” was a fantastic explanation of what is funny and pleasing to audiences, and, in addition to explaining where ‘Family Guy’ got its ideas, it also winkingly admitted that people like shows that “don’t get all preachy and up [their] own ass with messages.”

Since this episode, most of my favorites have taken the epic story-telling approach. If you haven’t seen the following episodes enjoy laughing at distasteful comedy, you really need to use the internet machine to find them:

“With Apologies to Jesse Jackson”
“D-Yikes!”
“Night of the Living Homeless”
“Imagination Land I, II and III”
“Major Boobage”
“Canada on Strike”
“About Last Night…”
“Fishsticks”
“Margaritaville”
“The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs”
“You Have 0 Friends”
“Crippled Summer”

Why am I just listing episodes? Do I have a point? What is a horse shoe? Are there any horse socks? I think Trey and Matt have grown bored with making simple episodes. The fall season opener was some throwaway crap about NASCAR that I couldn’t remember five things about if you held a gun to my head. It was no bueno. But, if you give them three episodes of space, they make a superhero story that is equal parts ridiculous and sublime. Is this the future of the show? Does this mean they are winding this down for bigger things? Comedy Central will probably pay them for as long as they want the money, but I figured I would at least kind of slap these ramblings up and see what everyone else thought. Until next time… MintberrrrryCRUNCH!!!

It’s Always Sunny – I’m Never Getting Too Old For This $#!@ (Lethal Weapon 5 Edition)

For me, It’s Always Sunny’s biggest flaw is that they take a fantastic concept or idea and fail to stick the landing just as often as they hit it. For every time they try out for the Philadelphia Eagles, they run off and buy a boat for no logical reason. For every time they figure out who pooped the bed, they turn around and tell us the story of American Independence in a weird flashback vehicle. That is why I tried to suspend my excitement for the viewing of Lethal Weapon 5 as much as possible. Six viewings later (not entirely because I am weirdo, I had two different friends come over who wanted to see the episode plus couldn’t sleep on Friday), I have to say that this episode ranks very high on the all-time list for me.

The episode started with janitor Charlie walking the halls of his high school and soaking up the admiration of the students. For no logical reason, everyone calls him “Professor” and he dishes out Mr. T quality advice to each of them. I am fully planning on visiting the high school my wife teaches at and yelling for some kid to “keep that GPA up, up, up” before this school year ends. This is Charlie at his best and it sets the tone for the whole episode.

Dee’s job is to help move the plot along with her classroom of drama students and she quickly finds a somewhat plausible reason to want to take the kids to the bar to see a movie. The school doesn’t have any arts funding and, shockingly, Dave Foley won’t give her money to take an overnight trip to NYC to see a Broadway show. I still expected them to use Foley more than a simple straight man, but it was just nice to see him. I even Tivoed the latest Kids in The Hall special on IFC just to thank him for being back on my TV screen.

In another long-missed show staple I like to call “the guys arguing about stupid crap in the most hilarious way possible,” Frank, Mac and Dennis are trying to figure out whether the black face they used in their Lethal Weapon 5 movie was racist. They mine this joke for all it’s worth, discussing proper voices, situations, the work of Al Jolson and everything else in-between. When Frank declared that James Earl Jones did perfect black face because he was Darth Vader and Vader was white, it was clear this episode was going all in on every joke.

Before I get to the main event, I would be remiss to not point out the Jugaloo kid that Charlie took an interest in. After finding a student in full ICP makeup in the bathroom, he first asks everyone bullying him why they painted his face, and then tells the boy that “the professor has taken an interest in [him]!” I was hoping for a nice Miracles reference to tie it all together, but I will never turn down a chance for someone funny to mock these people, no matter how easy it is.

Finally, the piece de resistance – the official screening of LW5. Here’s a trailer someone already made:

Everything about this made me happy. The terrible accents. The Tommy Wiseau sex scene (I don’t care what Howerton says, The Room played a role here). Charlie’s use of wigs to play various parts. Fake tears. Shark meat. Dee taking out the trash during the torture scene. Mac and Dennis switching parts halfway through. Mac playing Murtaugh the way Robert Downey, Jr. played a black man did in Tropic Thunder.

Basically, if you didn’t like this, I don’t want to know you.

I promise I won’t always cheerlead this show (and I still want to be on record as saying that “The League” has had a better season and “Archer” will too), but in a world where Outsourced and Big Bang Theory count as edgy and hilarious social commentaries about foreigners and NERDZ, I don’t want to ever sell what really makes me laugh short. In short, go suck an egg.

Good Times:

• Charlie: I’ll tell you what. I’ll take him down to the locker room. I’ll lather him up real good. I’ll strip all these silly clothes off him. I’m gonna clean him. Sparkling clean. Brand new kid for you.
  Principal: No, please don’t bathe the students.
  Charlie: You’re right. He’s a big man. You can bathe yourself, can’t you, Rich?
  Richie: Yeah, dawg.
  Charlie: He’s bathing himself and I’m watching.

• Mac: They’re actors. They’re trying to create an illusion. In the Lord of the Rings movie, Ian McKellen plays a wizard. You think he goes home at night and shoots laser beams into his boyfriend’s asshole?

• Frank: Look at that! James Earl Jones is doing a great black-face.
  Dennis: James Earl Jones has a black-face, he is a black man!

Community, “Cooperative Calligraphy”: Verbal dyspraxia and octopus laws.

Oh Dan Harmon, you saucy minx. Just when I start to get my Joel McHale lust under control, you have to put him in his underwear again! Aside from that highlight, this was an average to above average episode – nothing really groundbreaking, and there were certainly some weak points, but a solid mid-season contribution, nonetheless.

I maintain once again that Donald Glover is this show’s breakout star. “Sometimes I think I’ve lost something really important to me, and it turns out I already ate it.” Kudos to the writer who came up with that little bit of heaven and kudos to Donald Glover for delivering it in a way that makes it not only seem appropriate for that character but makes us all (no? just me?) think back and wonder if we’ve ever believed something was lost, only to realize it was… swallowed.

What this episode really left us with was questions. A hallmark of the great writing on Community is that there is enough obvious comedy to keep the casual viewer interested but enough layers to keep the dedicated fans invested. Britta knows what kind of underwear Jeff “usually” wears? Troy only carries a pillow in his backpack? Troy’s look when he realizes Shirley may have gotten pregnant during Halloween – was that a callback to her time stuck in the bathroom with Chang? Or something else? Mmm hmmm… (that’s a sassy, eyebrow raised, insinuating look mmm hmmm, by the way)

Also, Ryan Murphy – take note – this is how you build a plotline. With a few exceptions (Jeff seemed to go from 0 to maniac a little quick for believability), the build up during the great pen hunt was reasonable. We start off with platitudes, go to a cursory search around the room, and eventually land on a boys vs. girls strip search – I mean, that is, after all, how I got my favorite red Swingline stapler out of my thieving co-worker’s ass.

Speaking of making people uncomfortable, are the writers essentially telling us that Abed does, in fact, have Asperger’s? That seemed a little more implied prior to this episode.

Anyway, far more good elements than not-good elements this (um, last – sorry, busy weekend) week. The conclusion was particularly well done, and some of the subtler moments really landed for die-hard fans – Jeff’s lawyerspeak, Abed handing Annie the first piece of chocolate and Pierce jumping (so to speak) on the opportunity to take off his shirt. The closing bumper was great because – well, puppies, but also for the Dean’s booing of the “equality and togetherness” float. For me – a borderline-psychotic-dog-lover, the real question was, would I have rather watched this episode or the puppy parade, and the episode edged out the puppies, but only barely. I mean, puppies on one hand, Community (and Joel McHale) on the other?  Peanut butter? Chocolate? I’m just saying… a little more puppy screen time next time, and we may achieve the perfect episode.

Quality writing, people. Quality:

• With every moment , these puppies grow older and less deserving of our attention.
• Britta: So, if I took it, it’s larceny, but if you find it under Mother Hen, it’s a mistake. Shirley: Mother hen? I think we’re about the same age. Britta: Sure, unless time is linear. Shirley: I’ll make your ass linear. Britta: That doesn’t make any sense. Shirley: I’ll make your ass sense.
• Gwynnifer
• Just a quick nonviolent reminder…. (Fair warning to friends, family and co-workers: I will be using this insufferably)

The Office, “Christening”: Do you smell, like, a wet, warm cheese?

There’s really nothing wrong with The Office. Really, there isn’t. It’s just a show that’s run its course. It used to be SO funny and cutting-edge, and now, its lead-ins are the two funniest network sitcoms, and it just can’t keep up. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it’s done. I didn’t take notes for the first half of the episode – what was there to comment on? Jim and Pam’s relationship and new-baby mishaps are cute and funny in a facebook-update-from-a-new-parent-before-their-posts-get-so-boring-and-repetitive-that-you-want-to-kill-yourself kind of way, but they’re not “Diversity Day,” “Healthcare” or “The Alliance” funny. Was spontaneous dental hydroplosion really that funny? Or was it just a more innocent time?

Funny thing, extensive experience watching TV only gives you enough insight to say what’s wrong with a show, but not quite enough to tell you how to fix it. With the office, these characters and their social dysfunctions have just been done to death. Each week, they’re put into a new scenario or “situation” if you will, and either Michael or Dwight or both will act crazy. Jim, Pam, Phyllis, Darryl and Stanley will play the straight men and women, and everyone else gets to be a quirky side character. It’s like the writers expect some kind of “situational comedy” to emerge from putting the simple act of inserting the characters into a new scenario.

That might’ve been enough twenty years ago, and hell, it may have even been enough five years ago, though I truly think The Office used to have a certain irreverent quality that it’s lost, but it’s not enough any more. Dwight selling Sabre products at the church was typical Dwight. And it made me think “oh, that crazy Dwight! Always the salesman!” but it didn’t make me laugh. Ryan playing the anti-establishment card and complaining about the password-protected Wi-Fi made me think “oh, that hipster Ryan! Always with the ironic glasses!” but it didn’t make me laugh. And Toby’s sad sack struggle with even entering the church made me think “oh, poor Eeyore Toby! Always with the uncomfortable references to his screwed up life!” but it definitely didn’t make me laugh.

There were parts that made me smile…

• everyone sneezing on Dwight
• Michael’s godfather impression (though even that got a little sad and uncomfortable when Pam forced him to acknowledge that he was not, in fact, CeCe’s godfather)
• Erin telling Michael “I wish I had a job that I could just leave”
• Jim accusing Angela of stealing CeCe, only to find out she actually stole the scones
• The kid who decided to bail on the mission trip
• Erin telling Michael to “get in quick.” “Why quick?” “Because it’s faster”

It’s all solidly mediocre humor, but that’s the best I can say, and I think that these days, that’s the best The Office can do.

P.S. Looks like we missed reviewing The Office’s Halloween episode – insert the word “costume” after every sixth word above, and you’re good to go.

Boardwalk Empire, “Family Limitation”: Lead in the pencil.

Can STD’s be transmitted through the TV screen? Because every time I see Paz de la Huerta I feel like I need to get tested. I understand some women just ooze sexuality, but she does it the same way an open herpes sore might (or so I imagine (I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about me. My herpes cleared up a long time ago)). Her scenes with Margaret make for some good TV, though. And I don’t imagine we’ve seen the end of things between them with this episode.

I thought it was telling that Lucy, who realizes she isn’t Nucky’s only woman, would once again try exerting her dominance over Margaret by making her take her clothes off in front of her. Especially in light of Margaret’s story about the old man and the rooster who would peck out a tune on a small piano. Lucy’s no more than a one-trick pony, in or out of the bedroom. And speaking of Margaret, she really knows how to pick them, huh? The show seems to set her up only to knock her back down. But, if Lucy can’t expect to be the only apple of Nucky’s eye, then neither can she.

In Chicago, Jimmy’s cementing his place inside Johnny Torrio’s outfit, and for me, their meeting with Sheridan in Greektown was where a lot of the show came together in this episode. Now, I’m honestly not sure if it was any sort of nuanced storytelling that really lit my fire as it was people getting shot up. I will say that Sheridan’s brains splattering all over the floor definitely didn’t hurt things.

Given Jimmy’s new standing in Torrio’s eyes – the bees knees for figuring out the Greek situation – I’m not entirely sure whether or not I can trust Capone’s peace offering at the end of the episode. It’s obvious Capone is the kind of person who can dish it out, but can’t take it himself. And when Jimmy starting making cracks about his service in World War I, you saw how fast Capone froze up. You look at other things, like Capone firing off a gun right next to Jimmy’s head, and you think this is one crazy son of a b**ch. He can’t be trusted. But then again, you look at his admission of his son’s deafness and have to ask yourself if he’s looking for a true friend. Someone who’s going to rise with through Torrio’s ranks.

So, Lucky Luciano’s still in the mix. He has a quiet presence, but when the show calls for it, he really RISES to the occasion. Nucky may try muscling him out, but Lucky’s going to hold FIRM. I guess you could say Lucky’s got a huge BONER for Jimmy’s mom. And that’s alright. But please, no more shots of him walking naked to answer the phone.

This was a really solid episode, and showed that the show is much more than just ‘The Sopranos’ set in the 20’s. Now for the exciting stuff! The Republican National Convention! Some headshots thrown into the mix would not be unwelcome.

Terriers, “Agua Caliente”: Cartel grab.

“Agua Caliente” provided a nice little follow-up to “Change Partners,” showing us what happened to Britt’s old partner, Ray, whom we assumed had been picked up by the cops at the end of that episode. Turns out that would have been too neat and tidy. And in TV Land, neat and tidy is no good. You know what else is no good? ‘Neat & Tidy.’ A CBS buddy cop show which ran from 1983 to 1983. But maybe I’m getting off topic…

So what did happen? It’s the question fans have been asking, and all revealed after some of Ray’s drug cartel friends take Brit and throw him in the trunk of a car. Before the cops could pick him up, Ray skipped town and fell in with some shady characters south of the border. I know, I’m not really narrowing things down, am I? I keed, I keed. But seriously, if you live in Mexico, you probably work for a drug cartel. Anyway, while out on a “run,” (drug slang for a drug deal) Ray’s pulled over by the cops and books it, leaving the precious drugs behind to be taken in and bagged as evidence by what’s apparently the only incorruptible police station in the entire country. How much did Ray lose, you ask? Well, if you guessed a lot, you’d be wrong. Ray lost what had to have been three or four small packages of cocaine. It really didn’t look like very much, but one of the cartel bigwigs tells Britt that its street value was about $80,000, so who am I to argue? Anyway, Britt’s got to help Ray get it back or else they’ll kill Katie, who they’re following back in Ocean Beach.

The point of the episode seemed to be to provide some closure to the Katie’s-cheating-ways storyline. After spending weeks skipping class and dodging her professor, Katie’s forced back in the classroom to take her final. In her rush to get out of there, she leaves behind her cellphone, which is just the excuse her professor needs to drop by. But of course, when he does, he’s taken hostage by the Mexican thug staking Katie out, which is a problem most of us have probably had to deal with before. Luckily, Hank, Britt and Gustafson get there just in time to save them. Hank gets shot in the arm, but all in all it’s a small price to pay.

At the end of the episode, Hank, laid out on an ambulance gurney, has some stern words for Katie’s professor. Hank says that if he ever catches wind of him sleeping with another one of his students, Hank will make sure his wife finds out, along with every veterinary school from here to blah blah blah. Now, why would Hank make such a nasty threat? To protect Katie, and by extension, her relationship with Britt, right? It’s one of those situations in which the answer is so obvious that we fail to question the logic behind it. Katie’s a big girl, and it’s not like she fell on her professor’s penis on accident. If anyone needs a talking to, maybe it’s her. It’s just possible that she’s hurting her relationship with Britt even more than her professor. A crazy theory, I know. But there you go.

What I liked most about the episode was how much we got to see Gustafson, a character who could probably hold his own show, and just might get the chance now that Terriers’ chances of coming back for another season are almost nonexistent. His dynamic with Hank is very different from Britt’s, but that may be what I liked about it. Hank treats Britt too much like his little buddy, but it’s clear that he and Gustafson are on equal footing. Well, almost equal. Gustafson probably considers himself to be a little above Hank’s station in life. See? We’ve got conflict. That’s 13 on the air right there. Anyway, it felt like the show actually got a little better with Hank and Britt split up. Odd. Especially, for a show whose chemistry between its two leads is one of its biggest selling points.

Glee, “Never Been Kissed”: Worst. Episode. Ever.

Get your coffee and settle in, because this isn’t going to be short. Usually my notes for an episode are between 10 and 15 bullet points, but my notes were two complete pages for this insulting, condescending, poorly constructed, steaming pile of crap. I’m confident in saying that this is Glee’s version of “Jack and Bai Ling’s Tattoo Time,” even without going back to watch old episodes (which would at least expose me to some the episodes that gave this show what used to be a good reputation for fun performances, quirky characters and boundary-pushing plots).

My criticisms started out lighthearted enough. I noted that Chord Overstreet is WAY better looking than Macaulay Culkin and wondered if Quinn doesn’t know better than to go to Sue for advice – I mean, the last time we saw these two characters interact, Quinn was essentially blackmailing Sue to let her back into the Cheerios and make her captain. Little did I know, things were about to get much, much worse.

I raised my eyebrow at the steel drums that conveniently appeared during Puck and Artie’s spontaneous lunchtime performance, but I was willing to give the performance a chance to overcome the absurdity. It didn’t. That scene was completely without set-up or justification, and ultimately, it didn’t even serve a purpose in the plot. If Puck had some grand plan for the money, fine. But he didn’t – and even after he got the money and developed the plan to take out the girls, he had no intention of paying, so why did he want the money?

I swear it’s like every week, the writers spin a wheel and decide which former enemies will team up this week – will it be Brittany and Artie? Artie and Puck? Mercedes and Santana?  Each week it’s someone new, and it would be believable if they didn’t all claim to hate one another, or if some vestige of the former friendship of convenience was acknowledged somewhere down the road. But no – it’s just a transparent plot contrivance to create a new superficial conflict each week. I get that we can’t keep going back to the Will vs. Sue well again and again because admittedly, that started to get stale in season one. But c’mon, there IS potential. Sunshine Corazon? WTF happened to her? Coach Beiste (more on her later) was set up as this slightly offbeat but nonetheless capable rival to Sue. Coach Beiste was supposed to be a force to be reckoned with. But like this show, her character to this point has been nothing but wasted potential.

I mean, seriously. This episode was bad – really bad, like, I-don’t-remember-why-I-watch-this-show-and-I-don’t-know-if-I-want-to-watch-it-again-bad. I haven’t felt this way about a show since Heroes. Getting a spot on my DVR series recording is as close as I get to marriage – it’s a serious commitment, and I don’t take the decision to remove lightly at all. But consider this a trial separation, Glee. Sue said that she’d have to go straight to the wound care center to get the image of Beiste in flagrante out of her mind. Well, I’m going to have to go watch a couple episodes of Two and a Half Men and According to Jim to cleanse my TV palate of this episode. This is what you’ve done to me, Glee.  

Let’s move on. Kurt goes to spy at the all boys’ school, where an impromptu concert with the Glee club rock stars has brought all the kids a runnin’. Horseshit. Hey Ryan Murphy – if we’re going to go for a semi-serious storyline about acceptance of homosexuality in high s chool, then try to get the plausibility factor somewhere south of dozens of high school guys come together to sing, sway, dance, snap and fist pump their way through a song that I’ve never actually heard but can still unhesitatingly call teeny bop, bubble gum, top 40 tripe. Nothing against top 40 pop – it’s Glee’s bread and butter – but if there was to be any semblance of reality in that room, and if we’re to take Kurt’s struggle seriously, then do not torpedo all authenticity and credibility with that performance because all I could think was “this is so gay.” And even Kurt thought so – next scene at Dalton, he asked if all three of the guys he was meeting with were gay. I’m not a gay man, and fortunately, I never had to deal with what I have no doubt is a traumatizing struggle, so I recognize that this comes from a place of ignorance, but if you want to make a dramatic and serious situation land with the audience, you can’t have it play in the most unrealistic and stereotypical surroundings possible.

Next scene. In the span of thirty seconds, Mike Chang tells Tina about how Sam uses Beiste to help him “cool down.” Tina suggests they get a room to… test that theory? As they’re making out, Mike suggests they cool down. Tina thinks about Beiste and lets her name slip, just like Sam did with Quinn earlier in the episode. And Mike acts completely bewildered. He has no idea where that came from, and omg, he’d better keep his eye on Beiste because clearly she’s after Tina? WTF? It doesn’t even make any sense, people!

Let’s go macro for a minute. What does this show have against plot development? It’s like they dive in to the deep end of every storyline with little to no build-up or establishing scenes. And heaven forbid they should have any story arcs that run through several episodes (the Artie and Brittany thing is just the exception that proves the rule – whatever the hell that means). It’s like every episode they throw a bunch of characters, a bunch of storylines and a bunch of songs in three buckets, and they pull one out of each bucket until they have enough to fill 44 minutes. Slap a shaky structure around it and hot damn, you’ve got a Glee episode. I’m beginning to think Family Guy isn’t the only show written by manatees.

Kurt. A+ performance for Chris Colfer, as usual, but I’m done with the character’s self-righteous emo bullshit. Newsflash, Kurt – what you’re experiencing at the hands of the bully is not just harassment – it’s assault. You can’t bitch about how your school has a permissive culture toward harassment of homosexuals when you let yourself be physically assaulted every day and don’t tell anyone about it. I actually felt sad for Kurt – he clearly and genuinely belongs at a place like Dalton Academy – not just because it has a zero tolerance harassment policy (your school does, too, Kurt – especially when it’s assault and you report it) but also in terms of culture and sophistication. The writers created a chemistry there – or as much chemistry as a location or environment and a character can have, and they only have two ways out now. One, Kurt can leave McKinley and go to Dalton or two, he can spend more time at Dalton and find out that it’s not so perfect after all and he really belongs with the Glee kids at McKinley. If they just let it go, which they will, because they suck, the writers will have nipped another good, organic storyline in the bud.

Alright, more on Beiste, as promised.  Does anyone else feel bait and switched with her character? The writers set her up to be the Sue Sylvester to Sue Sylvester, shaking things up and making a stir at William McKinley High School, and instead she’s just another one of the moody, bratty kids. There is not a doubt in my mind that a woman who looks like that (and let’s not beat around the bush – she’s an unattractive woman; it’s not the worst thing that’s ever happened to anyone, and by refusing to acknowledge it, we’re just putting more of a taboo on it. Not everyone gets to be attractive. If you’re not, you find other ways to stand out and be accepted – Steve Buscemi is a movie star for God’s sake.) and is a high school football coach has faced adversity before because of her role in a male-dominated job, has faced teasing before because of her looks and has faced being the target of teenagers (pretty mild, all things considered) cruel insensitivity before. So stop trying to make me think that these are extraordinary circumstances – they’re not, and she needs to get the f over it. It’s one thing for the high school students to act like insufferable, immature kids. It’s another thing for the adults to do the same.  

Whew – let’s try some positivity for a second. I enjoyed Puck’s manipulation of Brittany and Santana, and I especially loved Brittany rubbing Artie’s leg at dinner and then asking innocently why he hadn’t responded. But then I got pissed off again when I realized Puck never had any intention of using the money anyway and that whole scene was a pointless meandering excuse to plug in a song and celebrate Puck’s return as the bad boy.  

Speaking of being bad… in a good way, Sue’s triumphant laugh through the confetti cannons was, no question, the best part of the episode.

Speaking of being bad… in a bad way, the Start Me Up/Livin’ on a Prayer mashup was just… clunky. It wasn’t particularly memorable or… what’s the auditory term for being aesthetically displeasing? Bad.

As for the surprise locker room kiss – it wasn’t exactly a revelation, and in fact, I had this weird sense of déjà vu as it was happening. I kept thinking maybe there had been some foreshadowing before, but then I realized I was thinking of an episode of Buffy, a comparison which does a disservice to the realistic plotlines and true-to-life character development of the vampires, slayers, witches and werewolves of the Buffyverse. I hope the writers do something meaningful with that little nugget – it could really have potential.

Okay, I’m wrapping it up, promise. Schu. Stupid, shit-eating grin Shu. Even though it was just a few of the Glee club members who were misappropriating Beiste’s image, let’s be sure to maximize her humiliation by telling EVERYONE in the Glee club about it and then making her the center of attention as the guys sing for her forgiveness. Unreal. Small concession: the guys’ Stop in the Name of Love/Free Your Mind mashup was better than the girls’, but not by much and mostly due to the fact that Free Your Mind is like the Chuck Norris of 90s songs – an eternal lyrical BAMF.

Last, but not least – I want to tell you a story. About the day I quit reality TV cold turkey. Anyone who has suffered from reality TV addiction knows that this affliction can be a crippling slippery slope to dark and terrifying places. I started light – I watched Flavor of Love. Then Flavor of Love 2. Then I Love New York. I Love Money, and finally, Charm School. But when Mo’Nique compared the journey of the Charm School contestants to the journey of the fleeing slaves in the Underground Railroad, I turned the television off, and with very few exceptions (I freaking love Scream Queens, ya’ll), I haven’t watched reality TV since. Several years earlier, I saw Spiderman, and when Tobey Maguire said “No Gobby – YOU’RE out. Out of your MIND,” my mind was made up. I never saw another Spiderman movie, or – come to think of it – another movie with either Kirsten Dunst or Tobey Maguire – again.

I tell you that to tell you this. When Coach Beiste said “Deep down inside, where no one can see…” I almost clicked my television off right then and there. I felt the bile rise in my throat, and I started to physically shake. That is 5th grade fan fic writing right there, and I was embarrassed for Glee, Fox, Ryan Murphy and most of all, Dot Jones.

Then, it got worse. In a truly painful example of audience pandering, Schu tells Beiste that she’s a beautiful and amazing woman, whose heart is just too big for most men to stand. Beiste replies, “You really think I’m pretty Will?” “Inside and out.” And at this point I scream at my TV – then date her, dick. If you are going to fuck with an emotionally vulnerable woman, and try to sell the audience on this trite “beauty is on the inside” bullshit, then you’d better be prepared to back it up mister. Make a real point and take a real stand – Glee writers, Schu, whomever – have Schu fall for Beiste and legitimize this ridiculous scene instead of passing off his insulting charity as kindness.   

This episode was irresponsible, offensive and nonsensical, and the songs sucked. Screw you guys, I’m going home…. To watch South Park, which has a much more plausible storyline. You see, BP opened the gates to a new dimension when they drilled on the moon and released Cthulhu….

P.S. I realize I didn’t mention Kurt’s budding relationship with Blaine. I was happy for Kurt. Simple as that. It was a relatively solid, if expected, storyline.  I was glad he found someone he could feel comfortable with because he was very obviously not finding that anywhere else, and I was relieved that this may herald the end of emo Kurt. It wasn’t groundbreaking, but it wasn’t bad (which in an episode like this, may have actually been worth noting). I hope it goes somewhere postitive and fun. I think a duet with them would be fantastic.

P.P.S. I make it a point not to read any other Glee reviews before I’ve written my own, so I read this after I’d written all of the above. I love this blog and its authors, and I 100 percent respect what they have to say here, and if only for the good it might have done for a popular culture that tends to either ignore or alternatively cartoonize (yes, it’s a word now) homosexuals, especially in content aimed at younger audiences, I might be convinced to give this episode a pass. It wasn’t good writing or good TV, but it may have served a greater purpose.

The Walking Dead, “Guts”: D-d-d-do you have it?

Remember last week when I talked about your typical zombie story, with your typical group of survivors doing typical things? Well, the show gave us about as typical an episode as you can get this week, with Rick hooking up with a small group of survivors trying to get out of Atlanta. This is one of those instances in which the show strays from the comic book. In the comic, Rick meets up with Glenn and it’s the two of them who escape the city. Here, we were introduced to the blandest group of survivors imaginable who didn’t seem to have much purpose beyond being ethnic, cowering in front of the racist guy, and dropping little bits of knowledge to advance the story here and there. All in all, it was not great.

Well, I’m being too harsh. Overall, the episode wasn’t great, but there were great bits sprinkled throughout. One of those moments can be seen above, in which Rick and Glenn smother themselves in zombie guts in an elaborate attempt to hijack a moving truck. It’s beats like these in which I feel the show is treading some new ground, showing us things we’ve never seen before in a story like this. Other times, not so much. Case in point, the aforementioned group of stereotypes. If I were Rick and Glenn, I would have hijacked the moving truck and peeled out of there. What was so great about the pilot was the eerie quiet, the sense of desolation. I think a lot of this could still have been preserved with the hordes of zombies and even Glenn around, but with these other jokers there’s just no chance.

Another bit that rubbed me the wrong way, and that I’m having trouble finding an eloquent way to fit into this review: Before Rick and co. can get down and dirty with this guy they’re going to chop up, Rick pulls out the guy’s wallet and says a few words about him. I understand that the “walking dead” in the title refer more to the survivors than it does the zombies, and when all is said and done these characters may be in very, very bad places, so the writers need to show the gradual declination of their humanity, but still, can we get rid of trite stuff like this and just chop the guy’s head off? I’m sure there are better ways to show the audience Rick’s humanity, and none of them involve him saying, “Don’t kill the living!”

Back at the survivor camp, the writers are really trying to impress on us that SHANE IS SLEEPING WITH LORI. And for those of you who don’t understand the importance of this, Lori is Rick’s wife. And when Rick comes back, he will like finding out that his friend and ex-partner has been keeping his side of the bed warm none too much. Give us some credit. We don’t need EVERYTHING spelled out for us. I like Shane this week about as much as I did last week, which is to say not much at all. I think the real fireworks are going to begin in the next episode, when Shane sees his leadership role in the group threatened by Rick. That’ll be some good stuff (foreknowledge!).

I know I just spent most of the review hating on this episode, but my feelings toward the show aren’t that bad and certainly not pessimistic. I think the show has the potential to be truly great and a more-than-worthy addition to AMC’s lineup, but like so many shows before it, it’s got to find its way. I’m just hoping that way doesn’t tread too much through stock characters and trite platitudes about humanity.

Things that Happened In the Episode that Don’t Happen In Real Life:

• People don’t call rainstorms cloudbursts.
• People don’t slap handcuffs on some piece of white trash, then walk ten feet away to gaze into the distance and collect their thoughts.
• Big black guys with backwards Kangol caps don’t go down that easy.
  
• People don’t wait that long to step in when the aforementioned white trash is beating up on the aforementioned black guy.

Community, “The Aerodynamics of Gender”: Double-bounce me!

Brace yourselves. I know that all four of you who read this do so for the joy of hearing me wax poetic about Joel McHale’s rockin’ body, and boy do I love the producers for putting it on display again in this week’s opening scene – a basketball game between Jeff and Troy – BUT I’m beginning to gather evidence that Joel McHale may actually be somewhat of an asshole in real life, which just makes those toned arms seem less majestic and that chiseled jaw a little less… I don’t know… chisel-y. Don’t worry – we’re not imaginary breaking up just yet, but he is on thin ice, mister, and he’d better watch his step.

Now that that messiness is out of the way, let’s talk about the fact that I can’t understand a fucking word that comes out of Abed’s mouth. I get that he was being insulting, but he talks too damn fast, and the volume is up on my TV as loud as it can get, and I just don’t understand rap music these days and why are all these kids on my lawn?!?!

Seriously, though, I bet this episode was 5-10% funnier than I thought it was because I couldn’t understand some of his mean-girl insults. He was “commissioned” by the girls (Britta sucks, btw) to be a bitch to the bitches but then he realized that all girls are bitches when he became the bitchiest bitch that ever bitched. The concept was fine, and the execution was above average, largely due to Chang’s background celebrations of every burn and “Oh Snap” moment.  He continues to be a highlight of the show as the misfit desperately trying to belong to the group. And props must be given to the writers for finding a good place for Chang after his fall from grace as the Spanish professor. More often that not, when shows significantly alter a character’s on-screen role, they either find a way to quickly bring the character back to his/her original place in the story (see: ‘The Office’ – Michael, Jim, Pam and Jim again) or the characters gets shoved awkwardly to the side because no one quite knows what to do with him/her (see: ‘The Office’ – Darryl, Ryan).

And then there was the trampoline. It was nice to see Jeff unwind a bit, and Donald Glover has seriously great comedic timing, but the main purpose of this B-story was that it provided a vehicle for Pierce to be hilariously insane. “I’m going to slit your butts’ throats!” “These balls… on your butts!”  “Enhance… enhance… enhance… stop. That’s it!” as the screen shows “How to download photos from you spy camera” in 96-point font.  Good stuff, all of it, but the absolute high point was Joshua the gardener’s completely out-of-left-field racism. Another example of Community keeping its viewers on their toes and guessing – that’s just good comedy, people.

And speaking of good comedy – the reemergence of the term “gaywad” continues to brighten my day like the neon wind shorts and matching leg warmers I wore when that term was in its heyday. Overall, it was a solid episode. I just don’t get why ‘Community’ insists on every episode having A Very Important Lesson. I wondered if it’s just more heavy-handed on this show, but maybe every comedy does it to keep its characters grounded, but honestly, 30 Rock, The Office and others don’t seem to bother with it most of the time, and I think they’re stronger for it… yes, even ‘The Office.’

Last but not least — the Abed/Troy bumper at the end was weak. If only the weather guy had been this guy – it would’ve been fantastic – one of those things that’s only relevant to a relatively small population, but that population would appreciate the shit out of it.

P.S. I still love you Joel. Mostly because of this. Let’s never fight again.