Tag Archives: humor

All Good Things…

Tonight we say goodbye to one of the best shows in the history of television. Goodbye, Lost. There will never be another show like you, although that won’t stop ABC from trying to find one.

Oh yeah. I’ve got more of this stuff coming, too, for those of you who still care.

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LOSTWATCH!! – “I think I’m remembering stuff.”

Eccentric millionaire and shut-in Hugo Reyes has it rough. He spends most of his time at award ceremonies, being honored for his various and sundry philanthropic work.



After this latest ceremony, his mother surprises him with an unexpected announcement.



So Hurley goes on his date.


And there went his first impression. Unfortunately, things don’t get much better.

Something’s obviously wrong with Libby, and it isn’t long before someone comes to take her away.


Now that Hurley sees there’s something wrong with her — and realizes they could never, ever be together — he must have her. His obsession consumes him and he sinks into a deep depression. And it’s in the throes of that depression that Desmond finds him stuffing his face in the middle of a Mr. Clucks.



Maybe Desmond’s got a point, or maybe the crazy Scotsman is just craaazy. But he does give Hurley an idea. If Libby can’t come to him, he’ll go to Libby, and visit her in the barrel! Or the bush. But then there would need to be two of them. Wait—nevermind. To the mental institution! Hurley’s first obstacle, getting past the stuffy, old institution keep!


Luckily, Hurley’s wise to the cut of his jib and makes himself look like a nubile fifteen year old.


Ugh. Haunting. Anyway, Libbey’s pretty happy to see him. And even happier to hear Hurley’s idea.


Well, maybe not that idea. But the next one is pretty good.


So they go to the beach that very moment!


And who’s that, spying our two lovers from afar?


But Desmond isn’t done yet. He’s spotted again, across town, spying on a bunch of kids Mr. Locke at the high school. But never fear. Mr. Linus is on the case!



W. T. F? Anyway, on the island Hurley is sharing a different kind of special moment with Libby when he’s interrupted by that jerk, Ilana.


And that’s exactly what happens. Ilana’s so sure that her idea is the best. She took some dynamite from the Black Rock. How hard could it be to use it to blow up the Ajira plane, right?


Ilana blowing herself up seemed so unlikely, that when Hurley volunteers to take over as leader, NO ONE OBJECTS.


And off they go. Jack looks resigned. Richard looks frustrated. Miles looks nervous. Lapidus is still there? And Sun, well, she still can’t speak English.




Things aren’t much better in Locke’s camp. After sitting still for days, Sawyer’s gotten restless, and Locke is sick of his lip.



Things perk up a bit when Sayid comes back to camp with a special surprise for Locke.


Locke tells Sayid that he has something to show Desmond, and the two go off alone into the jungle. As they’re walking, Desmond hears someone following them, but why the hell is the show throwing out more questions with only FIVE EPISODES LEFT? Seriously, who is this kid? And why is he dressed like one of the Lost Boys?


Anyway, they finally reach their destination. And what is it that Locke just HAD to show Desmond? It’s a…well? Where could this be going?


And PUSH!


His mission accomplished, Locke heads back to camp, and to more of Sawyer’s questions.


But wait. Who’s that coming out of the jungle?


Lazy Sunday

Because honestly, I don’t know what else to put some of this stuff under. Please pardon the advertisement clustercuss YouTube is slowly becoming.

LOSTWATCH!! – “What if this wasn’t supposed to be our life?”

Hey, does anyone remember that Desmond guy? No? Me neither. But it turns out that Widmore had him hidden on his submarine to use in his nefarious scheme. Let’s watch!


They’re not going to be able to do much with Desmond acting like this, so Widmore decides to move his SECRET TEST up a bit…like NOW!



So Desmond is prepped inside a box that looks like the raptor cage from Jurassic Park. Once everything’s ready, they flip the switch.


The discharge is so powerful that it drains energy from all over the station!



And we fade to white to reveal…


Desmond decides she isn’t worth the trouble and finds his limo driver. It ain’t no thang, because let’s face it, Desmond’s got problems, but a b***h ain’t one. Ya heard? Anyway, if he really needs a woman, Minkowski’s got it taken care of.


Desmond tells Minkowski to just drive him to the boss’s office. Just who is this boss, you may be wondering. Well, Desmond’s boss is none other than…Zoe?


Just kidding. It’s Widmore.


Widmore sends Desmond to pick up Charlie Pace, who’s hair is all buzzed and gross now. Charlie’s band is supposed to play with Widmore’s son at some fancy-schmancy party. What follows is the dumbest and most cliched scene we’ve ever seen in Lost.


Inside some sh***y little dive bar…



Which he’ll do on his way to Widmore’s expensive, rich-people party. As they’re driving, Charlie’s band SOULSTORM comes on the radio.


A sudden attack of conscience forces Desmond back down to rescue Charlie. But as he reaches the car, he sees a mysterious vision.



Desmond calls “the boss” (his secret name for Widmore) to tell him the bad news.


Widmore’s a busy man and can’t be bothered with things like talking to his family, so Desmond’s charged with disappointing him. He doesn’t care because there are much weightier things to be discussed!


How the hell did Faraday make that jump? I had a dream I made out with Scarlett Johansson once, but that doesn’t mean I broke into her house the next day to tell her that we were lovers in another life (yes I did). All I’m saying is that it’s very convenient that he figured out EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING ON. And from what, deja vu?



So Desmond goes to meet Penny, who for some reason isn’t scared to death by being approached by a man in a completely empty sports stadium.


And of course Desmond quantum leaps just as he’s about to bag the girl. When he comes to on the island, he’s a changed man.




Huh? But suddenly…!



Desmond just watches her go, that big, charming Scotsman grin plastered on his face.


Yep. That’s the one. When he gets back to the limo, he has a question for Minkowski.



LOSTWATCH!! – “I don’t like secrets.”

When we last saw Sun and Jin, they had been held for questioning by Homeland Security. From the defeated look on Jin’s face, we can only assume the experience was less than pleasant for him.


They get a warmer reception at their hotel, although it still isn’t doing much for their perception of Americans.


Once they get up to their room, Sun tries to loosen the mood.


But in the end, Jin’s bruised confidence in his masculinity is no match for Sun’s feminine wiles.


And he’s back. It’s amazing what a night of passion and unbridled ecstasy can do for a person.


And if you can believe it, Sun’s even happier than he is.

Before Jin has to come up with an excuse, he’s saved by a knock at the door.


When Sun opens the door, she finds an old friend (new friend? I don’t know anymore).


It’s Martin Keamy, who can be a real EGGHEAD. But don’t piss him off, ’cause you wouldn’t want him to CRACK your SHELLS legs! He tells Jin that if he doesn’t get his money, things will not end well for him.

And the same goes for Sun.



The Federales confiscated all of Jin’s money at the airport, so Sun is going to have to bail them out with her private account. She’ll head to the bank with Keamy’s weird translator friend while Jin goes with Keamy to his next business appointment. Things aren’t looking good once they get there. Keamy’s tied Jin up inside a refrigerator while he deals with another matter.


Outside, Jin can hear a struggle — and gunshots! Jin chews through his restraints, then chews through the refrigerator door for some reason. We he goes out into the kitchen, everyone’s dead. Everyone except for the translator guy, who’s come back with Sun and is now sticking a gun in Jin’s back. But Jin’s got the upper hand, because he knows KARATE. Well, he doesn’t really, but he’s Asian, so he tricks the translator by pretending he knows KARATE.


One lucky shot.

Sorry, sorry. That was the last one. I promise. Anyway, what do Jin and Sun do now?


Yeah! So on the island, Jin is packing up to get the hell out of Dodge. Locke is out foraging in the jungle for berries or twigs or some crazy crap like that, so now’s the perfect time to go. He could have gotten out in time, but Sawyer held him up.


Suddenly, they’re attacked! Guess by who.


While he’s unconscious, Jin is plagued by horrible nightmares of this crazy man-woman violating him. When he wakes up, he’s alone in her dark sex dungeon.


Jin turns the movie on, but it takes him a minute to get the reference.


Suddenly the lights turn on and the woman from the jungle comes inside.


Zoe runs her hand seductively down her adam’s apple. The air is electric with sexual energy. The tiny hairs of her mustache stand on end. But Jin just isn’t having it.


Widmore tells Jin that there’s so much he’s missed in the years he and Sun have been separated. To prove it — because the fact that Jin’s missed things in three years is something that needed to be proved — Widmore shows him a bunch of creepy pictures he’s taken of Sun and their daughter.


And speaking of Sun, things have been kind of hard on her these past few years, and it’s all starting to bubble up to the surface.



A woman just can’t win, can she? Always the fixer, Jack goes to see if there’s anything he can do to help.


I think that went really well. But if for some reason Jack only pissed Sun off more, wait until you see what happens when Locke drops by.


When Jack and the others finally get Sun back to camp, they discover that she can’t speak English.




It looks like they’ve got a little bit of time to kill, so that night Jack tries smoothing things over with Sun.


It’s here! It’s here!

You might remember Red Letter Media’s hilarious Phantom Menace review that came out a few months ago. Well, their long-awaited, 90-minute Attack of the Clones review is finally here and you can watch the first half hour below.

Check out Red Letter Media’s YouTube page to watch the rest.

LOSTWATCH!! – “El Diablo!”

This week Last week, we find found our Castaways regrouping and planning their next move.



Magically, we’re transported back to a simpler time. A time without islands, magic and evil monsters. We find Richard Alpert as a poor farmer living on a small island. His wife is sick and he has precious little time to get the magic elixir from the village doctor, who’s a real evil monster!

For his song, the doctor gives Richard a cure for all that ails ‘ya.


He got what he needed, but Richard grew up on the streets, so he beats the doctor half to death and robs him anyway. As quickly as he can, Richard gets the medicine to his wife, but alas, he’s too late!




To serve out his sentence, Richard is sent to the island prison of…


There, after years of imprisonment, he meets a man who promises him the thing he wants most: escape! All he asks for in return is help digging his secret tunnels.


Now, Richard is the property of Magnus Hanso, but he’s having a harder time adjusting to slavery than he thought he would.


So anyway, they head off across the Atlantic. But when a storm brews up they drift off course, toward a mysterious island!



A massive tidal wave tosses them on the shore. When Richard finally regains consciousness, they’re killing the prisoners! They’re killing the prisoners!


But before Richard can be struck down, the ship is attacked by a familiar face. The Man in Black releases Richard from his chains in exchange for a favor.


Richard accepts (because, seriously, what else was he going to do?) and now he’s off to meet Jacob.



Jacob takes Richard back to the statue and explains what he’s gotten himself caught up in.


Ever since the Man in Black moved out of their apartment, Jacob’s been looking for a new wingman. Someone to hit the clubs with. Richard’s got just the right mix of Latin flair and sweet dumb foreigner to be a real chick magnet.



But there’s one more thing.


So Richard goes to tell the Man in Black that he’s switched sides.



In the present day, Richard’s gone back to the same spot where he spoke to the Man in Black all those years before.

But someone’s followed him. It’s Hurley! He’s come to give Richard some extra motivation.




{coda}