Slowly but surely, information is leaking in on the upcoming Arrested Development movie. This comes from Mitch Hurwitz, at a panel for his upcoming show, “Sit Down, Shut Up,” at this weekend’s WonderCon…
Here’s what’s going on with the movie. Everyone goes off and has careers and that kind of thing, so it’s been a little challenging to schedule everybody together, but everyone who has agreed to make this movie has agreed to make this movie, and we’re going to make the movie. I haven’t written it yet, so I’ll be accepting pitches. We’re determined to do this. It was a great joy and priviledge, all kidding aside, to do a show that took risks and with such a wonderful cast and wonderful writers. For us, it’s irresistible. Here’s an interesting thing about it. When we did the show, one of the things that really made it work is that we didn’t hold ourselves up to any standard. We got a lot of positive critical recommendations, but we even kind of ignored those and just did what was funny to us, and kind of remained the underdog in a great way. It was very clear early on that we weren’t going to be a big hit, so it really was a labor of love. Now suddenly, there is a bar to hit. I think the key to this is once we get as many pieces as we’re going to, which appears we have, we’ll just dive in and have fun and see if we can create the same thing. But we’re excited about it.
Cool, huh? Remember everyone, these next five years are going to go by quick!
Up first this week is the trailer for April’s The Mutant Chronicles. I’m not really sure what this one is about, but it looks like a mix between Judge Dredd, Saving Private Ryan, and the Walter M. Miller novel, A Canticle for Leibowitz, which really puts the kaibosh on my screenplay, Judge Dredd Saves Private Leibowitz. No. That’s horrible. It really puts the kaibosh on my screenplay, Judge Dredd Sav— dammit!
Next up we’ve got the trailer for Franklyn, starring Ryan Phillippe. In this one, Phillippe plays a giant Tootsie Roll Pop that’s covered with toilet paper and looks like a ghost for Halloween. And that’s about it.
Lastly, we have the international teaser for Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian. When asked about why he felt the need to film a sequel, Ben Stiller said, “Budget cuts forced us to slash the fun and excitement out of the original. And, well, we all just kind of felt like we could do better.” Unfortunately, budget cuts have forced the producers to dramatically downsize both the fun and excitement of the sequel. All of it. This movie’s going to be horrible.
Here’s something you won’t find anywhere else, the winners from last night’s Academy Awards! But first, a couple of our favorite moments from the show. Enjoy!
Now, the winners…
BEST PICTURE: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), A Kennedy/Marshall Production, Kathleen Kennedy, Frank Marshall and Ceán Chaffin, Producers Frost/Nixon (Universal), A Universal Pictures, Imagine Entertainment and Working Title Production,Brian Grazer, Ron Howard and Eric Fellner, Producers Milk (Focus Features), A Groundswell and Jinks/Cohen Company Production, Dan Jinks and Bruce Cohen, Producers The Reader (The Weinstein Company), A Mirage Enterprises and Neunte Babelsberg Film GmbH Production, Nominees to be determined Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight), A Celador Films Production,Christian Colson, Producer
DIRECTING: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), David Fincher Frost/Nixon (Universal), Ron Howard Milk (Focus Features), Gus Van Sant The Reader (The Weinstein Company), Stephen Daldry Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight), Danny Boyle
ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE:
Richard Jenkins – The Visitor (Overture Films)
Frank Langella – Frost/Nixon (Universal) Sean Penn – Milk (Focus Features)
Brad Pitt – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.)
Mickey Rourke – The Wrestler (Fox Searchlight)
ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE:
Anne Hathaway – Rachel Getting Married (Sony Pictures Classics)
Angelina Jolie – Changeling (Universal)
Melissa Leo – Frozen River (Sony Pictures Classics)
Meryl Streep – Doubt (Miramax) Kate Winslet – The Reader (The Weinstein Company)
ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE:
Josh Brolin – Milk (Focus Features)
Robert Downey Jr. – Tropic Thunder (DreamWorks, Distributed by DreamWorks/Paramount)
Philip Seymour Hoffman – Doubt (Miramax) Heath Ledger – The Dark Knight (Warner Bros.)
Michael Shannon – Revolutionary Road (DreamWorks, Distributed by Paramount Vantage)
ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE:
Amy Adams – Doubt (Miramax) Penélope Cruz – Vicky Cristina Barcelona (The Weinstein Company)
Viola Davis – Doubt (Miramax)
Taraji P. Henson – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.)
Marisa Tomei – The Wrestler (Fox Searchlight)
ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Screenplay by Eric Roth, Screen story by Eric Roth and Robin Swicord Doubt (Miramax), Written by John Patrick Shanley Frost/Nixon (Universal), Screenplay by Peter Morgan The Reader (The Weinstein Company), Screenplay by David Hare Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight), Screenplay by Simon Beaufoy
ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Frozen River (Sony Pictures Classics), Written by Courtney Hunt Happy-Go-Lucky (Miramax), Written by Mike Leigh In Bruges (Focus Features), Written by Martin McDonagh Milk (Focus Features), Written by Dustin Lance Black WALL-E (Walt Disney), Screenplay by Andrew Stanton, Jim Reardon, Original story by Andrew Stanton, Pete Docter
FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: The Baader Meinhof Complex A Constantin Film Production, Germany The Class (Sony Pictures Classics), A Haut et Court Production, France Departures (Regent Releasing), A Departures Film Partners Production, Japan Revanche (Janus Films), A Prisma Film/Fernseh Production, Austria Waltz with Bashir (Sony Pictures Classics), A Bridgit Folman Film Gang Production, Israel
ANIMATED FEATURE FILM: Bolt (Walt Disney), Chris Williams and Byron Howard Kung Fu Panda (DreamWorks Animation, Distributed by Paramount), John Stevenson and Mark Osborne WALL-E (Walt Disney), Andrew Stanton
ART DIRECTION: Changeling (Universal), Art Direction: James J. Murakami, Set Decoration: Gary Fettis The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Art Direction: Donald Graham Burt, Set Decoration: Victor J. Zolfo The Dark Knight (Warner Bros.), Art Direction: Nathan Crowley, Set Decoration: Peter Lando The Duchess (Paramount Vantage, Pathé and BBC Films), Art Direction: Michael Carlin, Set Decoration: Rebecca Alleway Revolutionary Road (DreamWorks, Distributed by Paramount Vantage), Art Direction: Kristi Zea, Set Decoration: Debra Schutt
CINEMATOGRAPHY: Changeling (Universal), Tom Stern The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Claudio Miranda The Dark Knight (Warner Bros.), Wally Pfister The Reader (The Weinstein Company), Chris Menges and Roger Deakins Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight), Anthony Dod Mantle
COSTUME DESIGN: Australia (20th Century Fox), Catherine Martin The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Jacqueline West The Duchess (Paramount Vantage, Pathé and BBC Films), Michael O’Connor Milk (Focus Features), Danny Glicker Revolutionary Road (DreamWorks, Distributed by Paramount Vantage), Albert Wolsky
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: The Betrayal (Nerakhoon) (Cinema Guild), A Pandinlao Films Production, Ellen Kuras and Thavisouk Phrasavath Encounters at the End of the World (THINKFilm and Image Entertainment), A Creative Differences Production, Werner Herzog and Henry Kaiser The Garden A Black Valley Films Production, Scott Hamilton Kennedy Man on Wire (Magnolia Pictures), A Wall to Wall Production, James Marsh and Simon Chinn Trouble the Water (Zeitgeist Films), An Elsewhere Films Production, Tia Lessin and Carl Deal
FILM EDITING: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall The Dark Knight (Warner Bros.), Lee Smith Frost/Nixon (Universal), Mike Hill and Dan Hanley Milk (Focus Features), Elliot Graham Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight), Chris Dickens
MAKEUP: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Greg Cannom The Dark Knight (Warner Bros.), John Caglione, Jr. and Conor O’Sullivan Hellboy II: The Golden Army (Universal), Mike Elizalde and Thom Floutz
ORIGINAL SCORE: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Alexandre Desplat Defiance (Paramount Vantage), James Newton Howard Milk (Focus Features), Danny Elfman Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight), A.R. Rahman WALL-E (Walt Disney), Thomas Newman
ORIGINAL SONG:
“Down to Earth” from WALL-E (Walt Disney), Music by Peter Gabriel and Thomas Newman, Lyric by Peter Gabriel “Jai Ho” from Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight), Music by A.R. Rahman, Lyric by Gulzar
“O Saya” from Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight), Music and Lyric by A.R. Rahman and Maya Arulpragasam
SOUND MIXING: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), David Parker, Michael Semanick, Ren Klyce and Mark Weingarten The Dark Knight (Warner Bros.), Lora Hirschberg, Gary Rizzo and Ed Novick Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight), Ian Tapp, Richard Pryke and Resul Pookutty WALL-E (Walt Disney),Tom Myers, Michael Semanick and Ben Burtt Wanted (Universal), Chris Jenkins, Frank A. Montaño and Petr Forejt
SOUND EDITING: The Dark Knight (Warner Bros.), Richard King Iron Man (Paramount and Marvel Entertainment), Frank Eulner and Christopher Boyes Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight), Tom Sayers WALL-E (Walt Disney), Ben Burtt and Matthew Wood Wanted (Universal),Wylie Stateman
VISUAL EFFECTS: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Eric Barba, Steve Preeg, Burt Dalton and Craig Barron The Dark Knight (Warner Bros.), Nick Davis, Chris Corbould, Tim Webber and Paul Franklin Iron Man (Paramount and Marvel Entertainment), John Nelson, Ben Snow, Dan Sudick and Shane Mahan
DOCUMENTARY SHORT: The Conscience of Nhem En A Farallon Films Production, Steven Okazaki The Final Inch A Vermilion Films Production, Irene Taylor Brodsky and Tom Grant Smile Pinki A Principe Production, Megan Mylan The Witness – From the Balcony of Room 306 A Rock Paper Scissors Production, Adam Pertofsky and Margaret Hyde
ANIMATED SHORT FILM: La Maison en Petits Cubes A Robot Communications Production, Kunio Kato Lavatory – Lovestory A Melnitsa Animation Studio and CTB Film Company Production, Konstantin Bronzit Oktapodi (Talantis Films) A Gobelins, L’école de l’image Production, Emud Mokhberi and Thierry Marchand Presto (Walt Disney) A Pixar Animation Studios Production, Doug Sweetland This Way Up A Nexus Production, Alan Smith and Adam Foulkes
LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM: Auf der Strecke (On the Line) (Hamburg Shortfilmagency), An Academy of Media Arts Cologne Production, Reto Caffi Manon on the Asphalt (La Luna Productions), A La Luna Production, Elizabeth Marre and Olivier Pont New Boy (Network Ireland Television), A Zanzibar Films Production, Steph Green and Tamara Anghie The Pig An M & M Production, Tivi Magnusson and Dorte Høgh Spielzeugland (Toyland) A Mephisto Film Production, Jochen Alexander Freydank
The episode opens with Desmond, the drunken Scot, running like a drunk through some sort of ethnic flea market. Did we mention he was drunk?
Desmond: Hwahaheeey! Ah need ah doctah! Mah wife is havin’ a bay-beh! Is thea n’ary a doctah in tha’ hooooose! Wha? Five quid for peanuts? Gedouddahere!
Luckily, a doctor follows Desmond to his boat, where he finds Penny, drunk! in the midst of childbirth!
Desmond: Can ‘ye help hah, brotha?
Doctor: Ah yesh. I use, anchen’ Chinee seekaret.
Penny gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. Unfortunately, the doctor and his advanced island medicine think he’s a witch and throws him off a cliff.
Now it’s later, and Desmond has a new kid. They’re on their way to an island. A very special island, that Desmond thought he’d never see again. It’s called the Land of the Lost, and it’s filled with the biggest dinosaurs you ever imagined. As Desmond tells all this to his son, Penny comes out.
Desmond: And yah dahd’s jus’ gonna look a’roun’ for a few hours, an’ then we’ah off.
Penny: Hey kid, yer dad tell ‘ya who he’s gonna be lookin’ for? Go on, Des, tell yer son about the whore!
Desmond: Don’ worry. Mum’s jus’ had a wee bit too much to drink. Yeah? Funny mommy.
On the island, Charlotte’s not doing so hot. She has a headache, double-vision, and a burning feeling that she just can’t explain. Unfortunately, so does Faraday.
Faraday: Don’t worry. Nothing’s going to happen to you. I won’t let it. And we’re gonna get out of this, and go away together. And we’ll be happy. And, man, you’re just so pretty.
Faraday’s moment is interrupted by this big f’ing explosion, and savages armed with bows and arrows spring out of the jungle. Their leader, who’s jaw is wired shut for some reason, demands to know hhmhmhmpphmhmh.
Ellie: Whmmmaamma iss ymuh leeedddma?
Faraday: Um… what?
Ellie: Mpph!
Faraday: Huh?
Ellie: Mmmddpp!
Faraday: What?
Ellie: Bbbppmmmppppph!
Faraday: Say again?
Sawyer, Juliette, and Locke were also ambushed, but Locke would have none of it, and went all First Blood on their ass. Juliette questions them, and is surprised to find they both speak a strange, archaic language.
Brit #1: Quien son estas gentes?
Brit #2: Callete!
Before Brit #1 can give away too much information, Brit #2 snaps his neck and runs into the jungle. Locke just watches, because it’s all part of the plan. Sawyer gets so mad his giant muscles tear right through his shirt.
Sawyer: Why didn’t you shoot him?
Locke: I think you mean, WHEN didn’t I shoot him!
The Brits lead Faraday, Charlotte, and Miles to their camp, which look strangely like anOTHER (*wink*) camp we’ve seen before. They’re greeted by a familiar face. It’s Richard Alpert, who’s wondering if they’ve come back for their bomb.
Faraday: Bomb?
Richard: Yeah. The Fast and the Furious 2? HI-YO!
Faraday: That’s horrible.
Richard: I know.
Desmond’s search for Faraday’s mother has led him to Oxford. Where, strangely, there’s no record of her or Faraday ever working for the university. Desmond goes snooping around, and breaks in to Faraday’s old laboratory. All he finds is a bunch of boxed up equipped, and garbage bags full of freeze-dried hamsters. A janitor catches him snooping around. When Desmond asks what he could do to keep this whole thing quiet, the janitor gets a wicked look on his face.
Janitor: You and me, in my tool shed. Fifteen minutes, no rules.
So it turns out that whoever was on the island before Richard and his band of merry englishmen left a hydrogen bomb. The housing’s cracked, and Richard has no idea what to do with it. Well, Faraday’s a scientist, and he’ll get rid of it! Richard asks him how he can trust him. Faraday looks longingly at Charlotte.
Faraday: Well, there’s this girl. And she’s very special. And I would never do anything to hurt her. And the only hydrogen bomb going off, is the one in my heart.
Charlotte: Oh holy hell.
Outside, Brit#2 has come back to camp. Richard is none too pleased. What if his captors followed him back?
Brit #2: WTF, mate? You think that old buggah knows this island bettah’ than me?
Locke: Hey, guys.
Brit #2: Dammit!
Richard: Smooth move… Widmore!
Locke: *gasp*
Locke and Richard go off to talk. Locke tells him that he’s their leader, and he needs to know how to get off the island. Richard’s confused. If Locke is their leader, why would he want to leave the island.
Locke: Uhhh… um. Oh no! Another flash is coming! Scary! Tell me before it’s too late!
Richard: Bull. S**t.
Ellie leads Faraday to the bomb. He goes over it carefully and sees where the housing has cracked open. He runs over.
Faraday: Hurry, we need to bury this thing!
Ellie: Huh? The two of us?
Faraday: Yeah, we’ll bury it right behind you!
Ellie: Wha?
Sawyer: Ha!
Sawyer jumps up and smashes her in the face, and we can only hope she died. As they make their way back to the Other’s camp, there’s another flash, and the camp disappears.
Faraday: Charlotte!
As Charlotte spins around, blood gushes out of her nose and she passes out. Faraday rushes over and hugs her limp body.
Faraday: She loves me too.
After a long day of searching, Desmond comes back to his boat empty handed. Penny looks concerned.
Penny: And?
Desmond: Uh, Faraday’s mum is dead. Oh, I saw yah fahtha’.
Penny: What? Why didn’t you write anything aboot that?
Jack, Kate, and the rest of the Oceanic Six are sunning themselves on the upper deck of Penny Widmore’s yacht, weaving the delicate web of lies they’re going to have to put out there once they make it back to civilization. Jack goes around the circle, making sure everyone is in agreement, but Hurley’s having reservations.
Not now, but three years in the future, Hurley and Sayid are racing down the street when they’re pulled over by a cop. But this isn’t just any cop. It’s Anna-Lucia, who, in one of Lost’s more awesome moments, was shot and killed in season 2. It was good. It was right. But now she’s back. And she comes around to Hurley’s window and stares at him with those big, terrible, Frankenstein eyes. And we don’t hear what she’s saying because we’re wondering if it’s normal for a woman’s eyebrows to be that thick. And then Libby says hi and oh good it’s over.
On the island, Faraday’s finally made his way back to camp. Sawyer’s always ready with a witty retort. But this time, his nicknames go too far.
Sawyer: Welcome back, Dr. Wizard.
Miles: I think it’s Mr. Wizard.
Sawyer: Nobody’s talkin’ to you, slant-eyes.
Miles: Are you f**king KIDDING me?!
Sawyer: Well, I mean, eehehehehe. What I meant was…
Everyone just kind of walks away. This show has taken a serious wrong turn somewhere.
Back in L.A., Hurley’s stopped at a Love’s truck stop to pick up some clean clothes. He comes out with a pair of Carhartts and the first season of Ice Road Truckers on DVD. And then he eats at the Shoney’s inside. Those places just smell like garbage.
At the hotel, Ben unscrews an air vent where he’s hidden the maltese falcon. Jack comes out of the bathroom, digging through his pockets.
Jack: Umm. Ben, have you seen my medicinal cocaine? I have it for, like, headaches. And my cocaine addiction.
Ben: Get your stuff, Jack. We’re leaving.
Jack: Where are we going?
Ben: You’re going home.
Jack: Where are you going?
Ben: Where do you think? I’m getting rid of that rotting corpse in my van. It’s been like three days, and we’re in California. Maggots are having babies in his eyes.
Jack: Dammit, Ben. Why do you have to say it like that?
Elsewhere, Hurley’s dad is making himself a sandwich when the doorbell rings. He comes to the door.
Hurley’s dad: Who is it?
Hurley: Dad? It’s me. Hurley.
Hurley’s dad: Hurley’s not home, man. Just kidding. WTF, son? Who’s the terrorist? Haha, I got jokes!
Hurley tells his dad about the safe house, and asks if they can hide out for a few days. His dad knows that he’s escaped from a mental institution and probably killed three people, but they can totally crash with them. A couple of minutes later, Hurley’s mom walks in and asks, “Hoogo, what is this terrorista on my houch?” They’re so Spanish.
To get rid of Locke’s body, Ben goes to see the Wolf, who says he can take care of it as long as Ben can keep his spurs from jingling and jangling. Quentin Tarantino tells him he looks like a dork and then they all take a picture together.
The castaways on the island have been trying to start a fire all day to cook all the food they don’t have anymore. Neil, who before crashing on the island, had a very successful career chasing tornadoes with Helen Hunt, freaking out.
Rose: Why don’t you chill out, jive muthafu**a.
Neil: No, Rose. I will not chill out. We’re stuck. We have no food. When I smile you see way too much of my gums. And Bernard here can’t even make a FIIIIIIIYYYYYYYYEEEE!
In a very unfortunate twist of irony, Neil is shot with a flaming arrow. Then, at his funeral, nobody showed up, except for Rose. Even though they fought all the time, they were best friends. More irony. Anyway, everyone scatters into the jungle as flaming arrows rain down on the beach.
Kate’s visiting Sun, who’s in L.A. for some sinister reason. Kate tells her that someone knows Aaron isn’t really her child, and that they’re trying to take him away.
Sun: Are you going to do anything about it?
Kate: Of course! What kind of person do you think I am?.
Sun: What kind of person? Well, the sort of person who can make hard decisions. Like the time you told me to get on the helicopter, so that you could go get Jin.
Kate: And it begins! You always pull this shit, Sun. “My poor husband who got blown up.” I don’t know why I put up with it.
Hurley’s asked Jack to take care of Sayid, who’s still passed out from the poison dart. As they’re loading him into Jack’s jeep, he pauses.
Hurley’s dad: Dr. Shepherd?
Jack: (out of breath) Yeah?
Hurley’s dad: After we’re done here, can I still be in a couple of episodes? Ever since they canceled Nash Bridges, I got nothin’, man.
Jack’s able to get Sayid back to the hospital and wake him up. Things have changed in the three years since they got off the island, and Sayid isn’t very happy to see him. See, Jack’s a drug addict posing as a doctor, and Sayid is a former member of the Republican Guard. You bet they don’t get along! And what’s worse, they were both charged with disorderly conduct after getting into a fight a couple of years back, and a judge ordered them to move in together. Can you imagine all the nutty situations they’ll get into? Well, you won’t have to, because their new sitcom will be airing this Fall on ABC.
Ben goes to see Hurley, and tells him that he needs to come back to the island. Hurley looks right into the camera and says, “I feel so… Lost?” *wink* I’m really starting to hate this show.
The crowd of fleeing castaways has thinned out a bit, and now Sawyer and Juliet are all alone, sneaking through the underbrush. Suddenly, they’re bushwhacked by a group of British soldiers. They tie up Sawyer and are going to do all sort of disgusting shit to Juliette when a knife flies out of the jungle, catching one of the soldiers in the neck. Sawyer busts through his ropes and his shirt and takes the rest of them out. He and Juliette peer into the jungle. Locke mozies out, pulls his knife from the dead soldier’s body, and cleans it on his pants. He smiles at the other two.
Locke: The hunt. Begins.
Ben visits a church that has a laboratory in the basement for some reason. I bet they’re about to answer all sorts of questions for us. Hey! It’s that chick you took Desmond in the Way Back Machine from season 3.
Ben: I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get them all.
Eloise: Well, then. I guess we’ll have to go to the OTHERisland.
Trailer Monday… on a Wednesday? Bwaah? I actually have a reason for holding off for a few days, which has nothing to do with how lazy I am. More at trailer #3.
First up this week we’ve got the teaser for The Year One, starring Jack Black and Michael Cera. While this one looks pretty funny, I’m going to be seriously pissed if this is the reason Cera is holding out on the Arrested Development movie.
Coming to theaters this April is Dragonball Evolution, the live action version of the popular cartoon, which promises to be just as shitty as the popular cartoon. I do have to admit, the movie offers up some impressive eye candy. And then there’s that Emily Rossum, who could do all sorts of things with my dragonballs.
And now for the creme de la creme, and the reason this post is two days late. This afternoon, Yahoo! Movies posted the trailer for Inglourious Basterds, Quentin Tarantino’s highly-anticipated World War II flick. I’ve been hearing stuff about this movie for close to ten years, and now that it’s almost here… well that’s just fine. Brad Pitt’s accent may seem a little overboard the first time you watch it, but after another fifty, you’re going to love it. Enjoy.
Lost’s fifth season opens up inside a Dharma Initiative television studio, where Dr. Chang is filming the orientation video for the Arrow Station. Suddenly, a worker bursts through the doors with a message. Dr. Chang is a dick, and, man, he just totally loses it.
Flash forward to the future. Jack has agreed to help Ben reunite the Oceanic 6 and return to the island. He tries to ask Ben when the last time he saw Locke Jeremy Bentham was. Of course, since he’s a drunk, all we hear is…
Jack: So, um… when was lie, the las’ time you saw Locke? ‘Cause he came oer one nigh’ an was all like, “No, not Locke anymore, but Jermy Bentham, but lie iss’okay iss’okayhahaha–*uchk!* Uhhsorryahburped.
Ben: What?
Jack finds a piece of pizza stuck in his beard and passes out with it still in his mouth. Ben takes some time to listen to soft music and reflect on all the weird shit going on. Back on the island, the castaways have realized that something’s gone wrong. Mad wrong. On the beach, Sawyer is busy pacing back and forth without his shirt on while Juliet guzzles down a bottle of Dharma rum. Bernard runs out of the jungle looking for Rose, who’s really turned into a jive-talkin’ racial stereotype. Sawyer ain’t got no time for jive-talkin’. He’s gotta get back to the camp.
Rose: You can’t go back to the camp.
Sawyer: Why not, Opie?
Rose: Because there is no camp! Wait… how is that a joke?
Of course, they go back anyway. Pushing his way past castaways who have been there for four seasons even though we’ve never seen them is Daniel Faraday, who just might have some answers.
Faraday: You’re camp didn’t disappear… it hasn’t been BUILT yet! What? Commercial!
Back in the States, Kate gets a visit from an unwelcome guest. He introduces himself as Walter Peck, from the Environmental Protection Agency, third district.
Peck: May I take a blood sample, Ms. Austen?
Kate: No.
Peck: And why not, Ms. Austen?
Kate: Because you did not use the magic word.
Peck: What is the magic word, Ms. Austen?
Kate: Please.
Peck: May I, please, take a blood sample, Ms. Austen?
Kate: Why do you want a blood sample?
Peck: Because I want to know more about your son! Frankly, I’ve heard a lot of wild stories in the media and we want to asses any possibility that you’re not telling us the entire truth. Now you either give me a blood sample, or I come back with a court order.
Kate tells Peck that if he gets a court order, she’ll sue his funny ass for wrongful prosecution. In the meantime, she packs a bag so she and Aaron can make their getaway. Before they leave, she lets him tell all his thing bye-bye. She sits around waiting for the next half-hour as Aaron says goodbye to all of his toys. As they’re leaving, they narrowly miss Peck in the driveway, who’s had time to go out, get a court order, and come back.
In the jungle, Sawyer is pacing back and forth without his shirt on busy looking for clues. Faraday won’t explain what’s going on, because that might make it easier for those watching at home. Instead, he walks around, taking time to examine random things like plants and rocks, then making cryptic comments.
Faraday: No hatch, huh? Might be because it hasn’t been built… YET!
Elsewhere on the island, Locke sure is having a time of it. First there’s a bright light, and everyone’s disappeared. Then he sees Mr. Eko’s brother’s plane crash. Then Ethan the Other pops out of the jungle. Then he gets shot. Hahaha. It sure is hard to feel bad for him… because he’s an ass.
Sun is standing in line at the airport when she’s mistaken for a terrorist and held in a back office. Before she can get the ACLU on the phone, Charles Widmore bursts in and asks exactly what interests the two of them may have in common. Sun just spends twenty minutes talking about how mad she is now that Jin’s dead. She’s really being a little twerp about the whole thing.
Hurley and Sayid are headed to Sayid’s safe house. Because Hurley has a thyroid thing, they have to stop for food.
Hurley: You want a fry?
Sayid: No thank you.
Hurley: You know, maybe if you ate more comfort food, you wouldn’t have to go around, shooting people.
Sayid: You know, maybe if you laid off the comfort food, you wouldn’t need to wear your mom’s pregnancy pants.
Hurley: Dude, harsh. *uchk!* Oh, sorry. I burped.
On the island, the castaways have jumped to a point in time where the hatch still exists. Sawyer says they should go around the back and get Desmond, who should still be inside. That’s when Faraday gets an idea, they should go around the back and get Desmond, who should still be inside.
Juliette: Great idea, Daniel.
Sawyer: But–
Charlotte: First rate, Dan.
Sawyer: I just sa–
Juliette: You still looking for your shirt?
They go around to the hatch’s back door. Faraday gets instructions from his handbook.
Faraday: Draw a door. Knock three times.
Desmond stumbles out with a rifle and his CDC gear.
Desmond: Look out, brutha!
Faraday: Um… what?
Desmond: The hot lava, brutha! You’re nah protected! Ya’need lava shoes!
Faraday tells Desmond that he’s special, but in that, you have to wear a helmet sort of way. Sometime in the future, or the past, because all of this has stopped making sense, Desmond wakes up from a dream. Penny stirs beside him.
Penny: What is it, Des?
Desmond: … Lava shoes, Pen. I’ve gotta go back.
Desmond heads up top and looks out over the ocean. A second later he jumps in the water. Next stop, Scotland! Stay tuned for more LOSTWATCH!! coming soon!
Last night’s football match between the Pittsburgh Iron Workers and the Arizona Redbirds offered up a look at some of this year’s hottest new movies, and since all of this blog’s success comes vicariously through the hard work of others, we’ve got them all for you, right here in one spot! Now that’s what I call a touchdown.
First up, the much-anticipated teaser for Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. In this one, there’s a special transformer who carries around Linkin Park, who once again provides the smokin’ soundtrack. And then there’s another transformer who tries to convince you that the movie’s title doesn’t suck. Anyway, there’ll be a lot of explosions.
In May, the follow-up to 2006’s The DaVinci Code, Angels and Demons, will be released. I’m not really sure what this one is about, but I do know that it doesn’t feature an albino monk flagellating himself, so I really have no interest in seeing it.
Well, it took them long enough, but a live-action adaptation of G.I. Joe is finally coming to the big screen. In The Rise of Cobra, boobs, guns, and explosions all come together into one… well, they sure do come together. Take a look, and we’ll see you next week.
Hunt. Find. Kill. Taken, or as I refer to it, the poor man’s Man On Fire opened this weekend, and boy is it dark! Can it stand up to all of Oscar season’s art house fare? Let’s see! Liam Neeson stars as ex-special forces/CIA/FBI/secret service “preventer” Bryan Mills. It’s never really elaborated on exactly what he used to do, but whatever it was, it required a degree in badassery from Badass University. And judging from his leather jacket and scratchy voice, Liam Neeson graduated summa cum laude. After his daughter is kidnapped in Paris by a prostitution ring, he’s there, huntin’ down the bad guys and gettin’ what’s his. If any of you have seen the commercials, it looks really good. What? There’s an actual movie that fills up another 90 minutes? Crap. (spoilers abound!)
What I liked about this movie: There’s one cool scene where Liam Neeson stabs some greasy European in the legs with nails, to which he attaches a car battery, then things get awesome. Hmmm. Yeah. That’s about it.
What bugged me about this movie: It’s true that women are kidnapped, drugged, and forced into prostitution. It’s a real thing, and has the potential for a really good story. Taken “took” (ZING!) that premise, and filled it with a bunch of unbelievable plot contrivances and action movie cliches. First, he lets his daughter, who’s 17, go to Paris for the summer with only her best friend? Granted, he thinks it’s a bad idea, and doesn’t have full custody of her, but still. He’s spend his entire adult life fighting communists and terrorists and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, but withers under Famke Janssen’s stare? I don’t get it. And he arrives in Paris with nothing but a can-do attitude, and works his way up to the top of this international criminal organization, all inside of two days, which, of course, was more than enough time for the bad guys to turn his daughter into a coked-out slut.
Something one reviewer said that made a lot of sense to me was that this movie was below Liam Neeson. This is Oskar Schindler. This is Jean Valjean. This is Qui-Gon Jinn the future Abraham Lincoln. Seeing him running around popping bad guys, and all under an hour and a half, felt like sort of a cop-out. What’s really funny is that his role isn’t exceptionally well-written, and he still looks akward playing it. And the rest of the cast ain’t doing him any favors, either.
Maggie Grace, who’s almost ten years older than the girl she’s playing, feels more like a caricature of a teenage girl than an actual teenage girl. That’s not too surprising. Unrealistically written kids are a pox on modern American films. A pox, I say! Famke Janssen delivers and unmemorable performance as Neeson’s ex-wife, who when he finally brings his daughter home, has little more to say than, “I owe you one, k?” If this movie is the sort that interests you, Denzel Washington’s Man On Fire is much better. You can skip this one without feeling like you missed anything. C
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