Jack, Kate, and the rest of the Oceanic Six are sunning themselves on the upper deck of Penny Widmore’s yacht, weaving the delicate web of lies they’re going to have to put out there once they make it back to civilization. Jack goes around the circle, making sure everyone is in agreement, but Hurley’s having reservations.
Hurley: Lying’s not cool, dude.
Jack: You know what, dude? You’re really harshin’ everyone’s mellow here.
Not now, but three years in the future, Hurley and Sayid are racing down the street when they’re pulled over by a cop. But this isn’t just any cop. It’s Anna-Lucia, who, in one of Lost’s more awesome moments, was shot and killed in season 2. It was good. It was right. But now she’s back. And she comes around to Hurley’s window and stares at him with those big, terrible, Frankenstein eyes. And we don’t hear what she’s saying because we’re wondering if it’s normal for a woman’s eyebrows to be that thick. And then Libby says hi and oh good it’s over.
On the island, Faraday’s finally made his way back to camp. Sawyer’s always ready with a witty retort. But this time, his nicknames go too far.
Sawyer: Welcome back, Dr. Wizard.
Miles: I think it’s Mr. Wizard.
Sawyer: Nobody’s talkin’ to you, slant-eyes.
Miles: Are you f**king KIDDING me?!
Sawyer: Well, I mean, eehehehehe. What I meant was…
Everyone just kind of walks away. This show has taken a serious wrong turn somewhere.
Back in L.A., Hurley’s stopped at a Love’s truck stop to pick up some clean clothes. He comes out with a pair of Carhartts and the first season of Ice Road Truckers on DVD. And then he eats at the Shoney’s inside. Those places just smell like garbage.
At the hotel, Ben unscrews an air vent where he’s hidden the maltese falcon. Jack comes out of the bathroom, digging through his pockets.
Jack: Umm. Ben, have you seen my medicinal cocaine? I have it for, like, headaches. And my cocaine addiction.
Ben: Get your stuff, Jack. We’re leaving.
Jack: Where are we going?
Ben: You’re going home.
Jack: Where are you going?
Ben: Where do you think? I’m getting rid of that rotting corpse in my van. It’s been like three days, and we’re in California. Maggots are having babies in his eyes.
Jack: Dammit, Ben. Why do you have to say it like that?
Elsewhere, Hurley’s dad is making himself a sandwich when the doorbell rings. He comes to the door.
Hurley’s dad: Who is it?
Hurley: Dad? It’s me. Hurley.
Hurley’s dad: Hurley’s not home, man. Just kidding. WTF, son? Who’s the terrorist? Haha, I got jokes!
Hurley tells his dad about the safe house, and asks if they can hide out for a few days. His dad knows that he’s escaped from a mental institution and probably killed three people, but they can totally crash with them. A couple of minutes later, Hurley’s mom walks in and asks, “Hoogo, what is this terrorista on my houch?” They’re so Spanish.
To get rid of Locke’s body, Ben goes to see the Wolf, who says he can take care of it as long as Ben can keep his spurs from jingling and jangling. Quentin Tarantino tells him he looks like a dork and then they all take a picture together.
The castaways on the island have been trying to start a fire all day to cook all the food they don’t have anymore. Neil, who before crashing on the island, had a very successful career chasing tornadoes with Helen Hunt, freaking out.
Rose: Why don’t you chill out, jive muthafu**a.
Neil: No, Rose. I will not chill out. We’re stuck. We have no food. When I smile you see way too much of my gums. And Bernard here can’t even make a FIIIIIIIYYYYYYYYEEEE!
In a very unfortunate twist of irony, Neil is shot with a flaming arrow. Then, at his funeral, nobody showed up, except for Rose. Even though they fought all the time, they were best friends. More irony. Anyway, everyone scatters into the jungle as flaming arrows rain down on the beach.
Kate’s visiting Sun, who’s in L.A. for some sinister reason. Kate tells her that someone knows Aaron isn’t really her child, and that they’re trying to take him away.
Sun: Are you going to do anything about it?
Kate: Of course! What kind of person do you think I am?.
Sun: What kind of person? Well, the sort of person who can make hard decisions. Like the time you told me to get on the helicopter, so that you could go get Jin.
Kate: And it begins! You always pull this shit, Sun. “My poor husband who got blown up.” I don’t know why I put up with it.
Hurley’s asked Jack to take care of Sayid, who’s still passed out from the poison dart. As they’re loading him into Jack’s jeep, he pauses.
Hurley’s dad: Dr. Shepherd?
Jack: (out of breath) Yeah?
Hurley’s dad: After we’re done here, can I still be in a couple of episodes? Ever since they canceled Nash Bridges, I got nothin’, man.
Jack’s able to get Sayid back to the hospital and wake him up. Things have changed in the three years since they got off the island, and Sayid isn’t very happy to see him. See, Jack’s a drug addict posing as a doctor, and Sayid is a former member of the Republican Guard. You bet they don’t get along! And what’s worse, they were both charged with disorderly conduct after getting into a fight a couple of years back, and a judge ordered them to move in together. Can you imagine all the nutty situations they’ll get into? Well, you won’t have to, because their new sitcom will be airing this Fall on ABC.
Ben goes to see Hurley, and tells him that he needs to come back to the island. Hurley looks right into the camera and says, “I feel so… Lost?” *wink* I’m really starting to hate this show.
The crowd of fleeing castaways has thinned out a bit, and now Sawyer and Juliet are all alone, sneaking through the underbrush. Suddenly, they’re bushwhacked by a group of British soldiers. They tie up Sawyer and are going to do all sort of disgusting shit to Juliette when a knife flies out of the jungle, catching one of the soldiers in the neck. Sawyer busts through his ropes and his shirt and takes the rest of them out. He and Juliette peer into the jungle. Locke mozies out, pulls his knife from the dead soldier’s body, and cleans it on his pants. He smiles at the other two.
Locke: The hunt. Begins.
Ben visits a church that has a laboratory in the basement for some reason. I bet they’re about to answer all sorts of questions for us. Hey! It’s that chick you took Desmond in the Way Back Machine from season 3.
Ben: I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get them all.
Eloise: Well, then. I guess we’ll have to go to the OTHER island.
Okay. I really hate this show now.